Here's a Bible passage I'd like to share with you...

"Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time:"

‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭5:6‬ ‭KJV‬‬

coffee thought...

Coffee thought...

Commuting in to work today and there are a bunch of traffic disruptions.

Today, the Pope is headed to NYC and the world is up in arms and disarray trying to prepare and accommodate his visit. 

While he is supposed to be the leader of the Catholic Church and the closest representative to GOD I am feeling very annoyed by this visit. And no offense to the man personally or professionally- cause he and this visit did not do nothing to me- not even change my MTA commute. This disruption and annoyance I feel in my spirit is reminding me of the last time a papal visit happened- specifically April 2008. While all the hoopla that was surrounding the then Pope and him coming to the Bronx to say mass at Yankee Stadium and all the things that were going on.  On the day he came to the Bronx, that was the day we had my mothers funeral. And in meeting the priest prior to having mass arrangements he made a comment that having mass that day was inconvenient/ or getting back from that mass at the stadium was an inconvenience. I remember saying to myself damn sorry my mothers death is an inconvenience to you. And from that point on I have been utterly unfazed by anything St. Augustine or Catholic church wise. I know the Lord thru my upbringing and I have faith and I pray. But I cannot feel reverence for man (priest/ pope) anything because of simple empathy that was not shown. And why how many years later do I bring this up? Because I feel crazy resentment at all that. I feel stupidly angry at something that I cannot change or control. And I feel utterly lost without the guidance and words of my mom and dad. It's stupid cause I am an adult. I think. I mean my bills say I am. But dammit apparently I am no ones child anymore. 

That hurts. 

that's all... 

up and above the clouds...

Location: Somewhere flying over the Atlantic ocean

Right now I m about an hour away for St. Thomas USVI- which is good because my arse is about and hour away from being numb on these non cushy American Airlines cramped seats. (Now, while I am a curvy girl I am in no way too big to sit in a seat here however these seats are pushing it even for the small chicks in us all)  In all my years of flying , one thing that never has happened to me happened today- and I can truly say it was moving and humbling to say the least. 

TSA gathering

While we were waiting in the Miami airport there were a bunch of TSA officers surrounding our terminal.  Now, being in a post 9/11 time and everyone is a suspect when flying and the officers and police personnel with loaded guns were showing up, I got concerned. So we asked what was happening at our terminal. Unfortunately we learned that an officer (Colvin Georges) was killed in the line of duty- and his body was being air-lifted on our plane back to his family in St. Thomas. 

There was a bit of a press conference and a lot of officers paying their respect to the family.  Once the ceremony on the tarmac was completed, the plane loaded, we were off and as we were taxing down the runway, the plane was sprayed with hoses.  It was sad, humbling and awe inspiring at the same time.  Continued prayers and blessing for that family and all the families of those who serve, protect, watch over, rescue, and maintain civility for us all. 

  

sunset.

9/11 ten years later

9/11 ten years later

Sunday was a difficult and emotional day.
It was the 10th anniversary of September 11th.
That day marked so many many meanings and to think 10 years ago would we be here?
Last year, Peanut was born. That was and continues to truly a blessing.
A few years back- Jacob was born- again another blessing on a day many many people remember tragedy. It seems out of tragedy there were indeed many things to be thankful of.
I clearly remember where I was that day- what I had to do to get home- what my good friend SS & I had to do to get home.
I remember smoking a cigarette on the corner of 14th & west 10th waiting for a bus--
watching the sky and listening to the silence of the air but still hearing the noise of the hearts of us as a people.
The many hours of worrying and travel and the sense of is this really happening here in NY? Worrying about my mother who was stuck in NJ cause they shut down the bridges- finally reaching her via phone and so thankful to hear from her.
I remember speaking to someone and they professed their love for me- funny how that didn't turn out- amazing what tragedy and liquor brings out.
Anyway- fast forward a decade-
Where am I now?
Where are we now?
Think who is not here to see how much I have accomplished or how much is left to accomplish.
Think of who is here...
I went to a brunch for my sister friend Sparkle- kind of bringing together all those who lost someone thru the years- not just on 9/11 but thru the years.
Honestly it was kinda hard - some things are kept repressed until brought to the forefront- but what was beautiful about the celebrate was the many faiths that were represented and the prayers that were said.
We recited the Surah Al-Fatiha, prayed bahai prayers, Christian prayers & buddhist chants for everyone and all of us.
I had a Good day.
Nevermind I found out some news about how someone passed on [it was not what was presented to me but then again I felt I knew all along that something was not right.]
This does not change the love I have continually for this person or who they were to me.
I guess the truth eventually sets you free- but why hide it?
What purpose did it serve?
Does it make anymore sense now than then?
Maybe now as an adult I have more wits about me and I am able to comprehend more- maybe I am finally able to realize truths I already knew when facts just did not add up.
This is why (I assume) I attempt to be authentic in all I do and am fiercely contemptuous of those who mis speak the truth.
Maybe it is all a rouse.

Gods purpose for crazy people.

these are some notes from a service that I listened to recently... entitled

Gods purpose for crazy people.
It is much harder to be a Christian than it is to be just human?
What is a Christian?
Who is a Christian?
Devotion to any system can be faked. One can always appear to believer but to actually believe is harder than "faking belief(s)".
You can practice a religion but it may never truly affect your life, never make difference if you don't live your religion
Character is harder to get than new clothes. (Word...and there are A lot of folks walking around here naked in character...)
A mean spirit is uglier than any tattoo you may get. (Ditto for being hard to remove as well)
Some people don't want to be good, they just want to look good i.e just want to deal with the outside and not with what is on the inside.
We resist Jesus calls- and he wants us to have a deeper relationship with him.  Our relationship with him challenges how we treat each other.
Love somebody.
Try it... cause everybody wants you to believe we know how to love someone. But how many people love themselves? Do you want that on you???
Dealing with the perception of who we think we are- he knows the truth.
Love your neighbor and hate your enemy- so they thought it was. We should love the enemy too- we are aspiring to do that. We need go do BETTER- we need to learn how to live with them crazy people. That blew my mind.
 Listen to this:
Crazy people will make your life hard- they will make you miserable. You may know some crazy people...Jesus knows that if he puts them in your life they will make you pray and test ya... I gave you crazy people to get on your nerves AND to give you patience... (really?)
Agape in Greek= love??? Define that for yourself...
We should take joy & pleasure in crazy people- he needs us to be joyful to them/ find joy in them/ show love to them/ love them. Show principled love in them he wants us to be perfect.
Maturity as an adult is something that is (perceived as) perfect - dealing with people will make you trust and talk to Jesus...
AMEN
********************************
in reading this over I truly need to be thankful for all of the oddities in my life and the folks that come along with that..
forever grateful...

Angels on my windshield?

well, I was on my way out shopping and I hop into my car in the freezing cold to battle the shopping beasts when what do i see?

these little angel wings on my windshield prepared to protect me in the event of any mishap.

good to know as I go about the day...

*oh, and she will be protecting you too*...fyi...

(hey you see what you wanna see & I will too)

Is damn a curse?

is damn a curse?
when i was a kid and bordering on the 'oh i'm telling' edge i kind of recall that saying damn was almost not able to get ya in trouble.
now today as an adult with an impressive command of the 'foul language' i am contemplating giving up cursing for lent.
normally i give up something like chocolate or an occassional red meat or something of the sorts but cursing?? i dont know..now when we give up something for 40 days etc is it supposed to be something that i truly love? will miss? is a real & true sacrafice? all that can be said about the use of a well placed censored word or 2 (or 3 or more strung together in a fabolous statement of how i really feel about you...) which brings me back to my original question...is damn a curse? am i immediately looking for a way to cheat the system here/ make it easier for me to cope?
shoot...

preachers

preachers
this is really a touchy subject (pun intended)...
as a woman baptised catholic, holy communion, youth choir, catholic grade school, confirmation, God-mother of 5 *boys nonetheless- i must say there is something about preachers/ reverends/ pastors/ deacons that automatically put me off. As in AUTOMATICALLY i get repulsed & my skin begins to crawl. I understand that most of their 'influence/ power/ &might' comes from what we ascribe to them i. e. how we hold them either as an example of how we should live (as a supposed holy figure & representative on earth) or as a vessel which delivers the word of God on any given day. (again see holy figure & person on earth) my problem with this is the blatant hypocrisy of a few of the pastors/ reverends & preachers alike (& maybe i am doing them all a collective disservice by grouping everyone into the same category but i view them all as the same on some days)
hypocrisy in the sense that they preach.. pass down the word or their word depending on the time of day and expect their sheep to follow. like this pastor i knew commented on the fact that people were watching/ commenting on the BET Awards & commenting on the supposed tribute to Michael Jackson.
the man just passed away on 06/25. people (BET) want to be the first to pay him tribute & they happen to be having an awards ceremony that weekend. So what happened? Some execs get together and call a few people to see if they can re-arrange a few things and perform at the show. A few good notables were Ne-Yo singing lady in my life. Jamie Foxx & Ne-Yo singing a tribute at the end. Flashbacks of MJ's life.
People (read: common everyday folk) were commenting on it live & in color via Facebook or every other source. Pastor/preacher commented on the awards itself & the fact people (us common folk) were giving so much honor/praise to MJ akin in an idolatorous spectacle & we should spend as much time in the church with the word than listening/watching this mess. Yet he tuned in himself just to have something to say it seems.
my point...
Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Some definitely hold their opinion in higher regard than others since they hold themselves in higher regard than others. Some even chastise and berate others for not following their set path of religiousness and holiness.
I know I have (and have always had) an issues with confession. From what I was taught God was in you, around you and watching over you at all time. So why in the Sam hell would I have to go into a closet with a priest or whomever to 'confess my sins' & be forgiven by you preacher man? The way I see it, God was there, he/she knows what went down. We'll deal with that specific at a later date (when I roll up on them pearly gates).
I digressed...
All I am saying is paying tribute to a Black man (yes I said it cause he started out that way) who had an impact on many peoples lives musically, lyrically changed the way music is heard, visually changed the way videos are filmed, and internationally sold out everyplace- I see no wrong in honoring his life.
One of my problems with preachers is that *and this is paraphrased* they want to be so heavenly minded & end up being no earthly good.

just random thoughts...

the 3rd anniversary of my 29th birthday

So apparently the 3rd anniversary of my 29th birthday came and went.

I am still HERE.

I am coming to terms with the insane adultness that recently decided to creep up on me and land right in the middle of my lap.

Yes, I said it crept up on me, because as prepared as I am for whatever may come, somehow one is never prepared for THIS.

• More than the death of my mother, it is MOM entering the new life as an Angel, and me entering my life as grown.


• More than me asking why and how am I going to make it thru this, it is us helping others and trying to make sure no one must go thru this ordeal as well (see relay for life... see St. Jude's Memorial fund)

It is without a doubt the life lessons that continue to enter the rational side of my brain; all the while the incoherent irrationalness of some of the thoughts that slip in the other side of my mind leads me to wonder…

I’ll let that be.

It is without a doubt why there is prayer, and why it works

My mother
is simply the best (just like her favorite Tina Turner song).
She is the epitome of goodness, giving, strength and love; something I strive to be a fraction of every single day I breathe.
Sadly, she succumbed to a very short and aggressive battle with cancer, gracefully choosing to exit this world to become an angel to us all.
My mother took her last breath around 10:25 pm on Saturday April 5, 2008 surrounded by her children.
I know my mother is watching over us,
as she cared for everyone that entered her life
and prayed for the benefit of all others.
I know she is no longer suffering.
I know she is at peace.
I know…

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.
Delicious Ambiguity"
Gilda Radner

I am disheartened yet to wise enough to know that death is a part of life,

nothing to be feared and truly nothing that can be stopped.

OK got that part (having lived through various deaths of loved ones who continually have such an impact on my life); and I have FAITH in GOD that everything happens for a reason or reasons and that there is truly purpose to this life being lived.
But
Because it is times like this where I think my comprehension of the education I have acquired in life + the knowledge of I and others + my learned skills make me someone who should "know" things.
Specifically how things like this (life) work.
How one should handle this.
No, I don't claim to be a genius or anything like that.
I play fair, do well always, live in contribution & expect the universe to reciprocate the same.
Well, let's just say there is no manual for dealing with this.
I don't have a rule book and no one sent me the memo
(Thanks)
SO I am stuck
I am not trying to be morbid or anything like that.
Hell, I haven't even admitted truthfully the reality of the situation to myself, for fear my thoughts at 12:25 am will keep me up in a morose and gloomy state.
I dare not go there… I am barely surviving here…
I PRAY for the doctors to be "off" in this aspect, but on point with her treatment.
I fight for the time that we should have, and have FAITH in all that GOD is directing me to do for her, with her.
Am I good enough? Is it enough? I don't know.
And I am confused.
I am confused because how can I think about all the things that didn't happen….
Like committed boyfriend relationship where he meets and admires her leading to marriage, extended family and kids.
Her being there with me through all the good bad ugly and beautifulness of life.
Her helping me pick out curtains, quilts, cutlery for a home where we will live.
Sheep.
Things that I know I took for granted because,

"She has always been there, and always will be there"
I mean isn't that just utterly and purely selfish of me?
So why am I here trying to be unconfused at the current prognosis of her health
The non treatment treatment of the doctors
The grim "you can't do this all by yourself"
And the harsh realization of life
Keep praying, I am not giving up this fight.
It is not time...this too shall pass