Today

Today
I was getting frustrated about things I kept speaking on and seeking to change and it turns out I have no control over certain parts so I just had to stop giving that narrative power and speak on the other parts of life that bring me joy.
This coupling business is not in my lexicon and acceptance of what it is is becoming key to sanity.
I have been consumed for the better part of 30 years trying to be good enough for someone to love me in the relationship way. It has not happened. It is something that - because of my non couples status - has trivialized any of my other accomplishments and successes.
Thoughts like "if only I had a man to celebrate me getting my masters with'
Or if only I had a man we could vacation in Paris and kiss someone on the pink sand beaches of Bermuda
Or if only I had a man to help me carry these groceries, help me flip this mattress or comfort me in this moment.
There is also the "damn this cookery that I did is banging -if only I had a man/ partner to share this with' and YO walking this street is a bit precarious if only I could call my dude and he can meet me or just be on the phone as I navigate this world"
I pictured me sharing my life and love and trials and triumphs with a handsome loving dude and him sharing his world and all that with me too.
Life and more specifically GOD has other plans.
I know my life ain't over
But again certain things I wanted and thought I would have are out of the picture seriously.
This is a depressing thought.
Things like what?
I'm 43- not had any children. Not have had any acts that would lead to children but that's another conversation
All my peoples around me that are wanting kids have had 1,2,3 of them. I will not get to parent one.
Folks have continued to ask me why don't I adopt or do invitro fertilization and my answer is steady- I have no support to raise a child alone. It does take a village and mine is woefully lacking. It is no shade or disrespect on the people I choose to be in my life- but I can list the parents and the supports they have starting with and including their parents that are still alive.
Again- not my situation.
Just not my life...

Sent from my iPhone

Toni Morrison

Toni Morrison



Sadly we lost an icon of an amazing writer and a Black woman who wrote of the experience of Black people- spoke for Black Woman and just eloquently opened my mind up to the ways I can be allowed to express myself.
The fact that I feel allowed to express myself in the manner I do- sometimes fully, Sometimes not at all, sometimes too much sometimes not enough - the fact I can write all those things is a testimony to her paving the way and being.
I am eternally grateful for all the Black women writers who kicked down doors and showed us the way to go.
Thank you

Friday Feelings

🤖

Friday tends to get a better rap than it deserves.
I mean just because it is at the end of the work week and generally has 2 days of either rest and relaxation or debauchery following (depending on your mood) is probably why.
Truthfully one of them days should be dedicated to the LORD but hey, he knows your heart, no?
Anywho- I enjoy each day individually and as a collective particularly when surrounded by vacation and blue water.
I enjoy any day above ground so there's that.
But today, spoke to brother 1 and he is depressed.
Life is definitely trying him.
I mean life is trying us all- but when mental illness is mixed into the realities of life it is something that can be trying moreso than for regular folks.
He is about to move to a closer place (shelter/ rooming housing assignment) in the Bronx rather than at the bottom of the Jackie Robinson in Brooklyn.
I'm pleased as this will mean he is a bit closer than the long travel and potentially we can visit more.
I don't know what this will do to his stability struggle but there is that.
Small steps towards good news is a thing. So I'm pleased.
He on the other hand is meh.
I mean looking at it from his perspective I am not sure what he is actually looking for but yeah he is not all together excited but not upset.
A muted happiness? That could be a good book title
Anywho
Life is just going along doing its thing.
I'm trying to do my part in the participatory parts of it
We shall see how they all collide.
To be continued...

that's all...

At the end of the day

At the end of the day
I just want someone to say
Hey
Good job.
You did well.
Or try again tomorrow
I love you
I support you
You matter to me

that's all...

Saw this

Saw this today as I was 

thinking

about my mommy 

and all the things i wished i can say

tell her

just receive love from her

and

i realize

physically

she is not here

 but always 

in my heart. 

It's these little messages that i get from the universe

that keeps me going. 

that's all...

Peeves... not the ghost

If you have ever wondered what one of the things that grinds my gears and really really pisses me off would be- either to avoid doing it or to testing the theory-- it is while I am on the phone with you in full fledged conversation. I am speaking. I am making a point (most likely there is a story involved)
and what do you do?
One of two things:

• YOU COMPLETELY IGNORE ME and START TALKING OVER ME WITH SOME COMPLETELY UNRELATED TOPIC- like if I am stating my feeling about my day or what is going on and you then decide to be like oh, have you seen the new Childish Gambino/Beyoncé video? Uhhh, sir/ madame are you fucking kidding me? We were not even talking about  Donald Glover or Beyoncé and why is that what you are switching the conversation to?
• YOU START TALKING TO SOMEONE ELSE IN FULL FLEDGED CONVERSATION WHILE I AM TALKING AS IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PHONE TO YOUR EAR TALKING TO ME (I am not talking about if people start talking to you because that sometimes happens- but if you proceed to hold a damn conversation with them- I ain't En Vogue, I do not Hold On')

Is my issue/ voice/ concerns not important enough for you? Does my voice annoy you?
I am positive we have had enough of the counseling-of-you-time on this call and now I would like the balance of friendship to tilt in my favor during this conversation and NO- this is too hard for you to handle.
 Legit I do two things:

• I go silent
• I get off the phone

It is obvi that my presence is not needed in this one sided friendship so let me excuse myself politely (cause manners still count) and be on my way. I will talk to myself in the damn mirror before I begin to have a conversation of any depth with you again, thanks!
Old habits die hard- so I give people more chances than they deserve, but once I get the hint- boy oh boy.
Message received.
Case closed.
Not to be continued.

that's all...

oh, don't try this at home. with me. ever.
thanks.

coffee thought...

Thinking and singing at work today as I work hard and drink the coffee

[but it is not hard work drinking this coffee here]

and I am

SINGING ALOUD

in my office.

who does that?

ME

as I am feeling this song and the potential for love just swept over me for

no particular reason,

but just FYI I love this song, and the words,

 and the sentiment of someone singing this to me.

One day, it will happen... I claim it!

Give it a listen-- lyrics below

Knocks Me Off My Feet

Stevie Wonder

I see us in the park
Strolling the summer days of imaginings in my head
And words from our hearts
Told only to the wind felt even without being said
I don't want to bore you with my trouble

But there's somethin 'bout your love
That makes me weak and
Knocks me off my feet
There's somethin 'bout your love
That makes me weak and
Knocks me off my feet
Oh baby, said knocks me off my feet

I don't want to bore you with it
Oh but I love you, I love you, I love you
And I don't want to bore you with it
Oh but I love you, I love you, I love you
More and more

We lay beneath the stars
Under a lover's tree that's seen through the eyes of my mind
I reach out for the part
Of me that lives in you baby, that only our two hearts can find
But I don't wanna bore you with my trouble
But there's somethin 'bout your love
That makes me weak and
Knocks me off my feet

There's somethin 'bout your love
That makes me weak and
Knocks me off my feet

Oh baby said you knock me off my feet
I don't want to bore you with it
Oh but I love you, I, ooh honey
I don't want to bore you with it
Oh but I love you, I love you, love you
And I don't want to bore you with it
Oh but I love you, I love you, I love you
More and more

Songwriters: STEVIE WONDER

© EMI Music Publishing, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Some days

Some days

It is harder than others

to accept the reality

that

This is actually happening.

This is actually real.

And as heartbreaking this is-

the amount of faith I have in your journey you have no idea.

I pray daily and nightly for your recovery.

I pray for the other brothers safety and peace of mind.

I pray for the children in the world and the state of the world.

And I pray for me-

for my sanity.

For a piece of peace.

For comfort.

For reasons why

For the way

I just continue to pray

And believe there is a reason for this.

This trial

This struggle

This outcome

What is the reason- why is this happening ? What more can I do?

Just why

visiting hours

Since I am on vacation, I decided to go visit my father's grave in the cemetery. I know i am the only one that come out here when i do because 1- the brothers do not have a car 2- it is not a priority to take public transportation for them ever so 3- if i do not drive them they do not come here. 

Anywho- life goes on and I do what I do. 

This headstone of my father which took 23 years to purchase after a few attempts and disagreements with the family is a sight. It is emotional for me to look at his name etched in stone, conspicuous hyphen in between birth and death date. 

It is heavy. 

Beautiful

but heavy.

The next tombstone visited is where Grandma lay.

Anderson. 

May she rest eternally there. 

It is too soon for the inscription to happen. 

But she is there. 

sigh... lets talk about privilege

Saw this today and had some thoughts as an individual:

one would think someone would take accountability for their actions-- let's dissect this shall we...

• Unbeknownst to the writer-- wrong- as there are notifications that are sent to students when aid changes (via email) they have to check
• 'full summer scholarship'- wrong as summers are voluntary semesters and scholarship is granted based on application
• FOUR people at Bursar- wrong as Bursar receives money (cash check etc) and they do not grant scholarship- therefore from person one who does not deal with scholarship why not go to the office that granted the scholarship?
• sassily Yelled- can I get a re-enactment? is that up for interpretation?
• Deadline was May 1- wait-- I assume writer met the deadline and turned in all applicable paperwork- oh no- my bad why would a student do that?
• went to advisor and Dean- who helped get you the result you wanted but lost was the lesson in personal responsibility or applying for the aid since you know you need it and the consequences of said action.

Brava! well done! you too could be the next president.