Quarantine Day #78 [COVID_19]

In case you were wondering what is happening in the world... we are still under quarantine especially in NYC where we are hard hit with this virus. Today, the US death toll due to the virus has topped 100,000 - which is a very tragic milestone. It has been 2 months and 17 days of indoors total for me. Not that I haven't been outside at all... but listen...I have been diligently #socialdistancing or #physicaldistancing for the most part. Been working from home every damn day and it is harder than it actually looks. Things that I have found out about myself while home:

• I have not bought another office chair, therefore my ass still hurts in this small assed one (pun intended). 
• I did purchase a new desk and played Bean the builder putting it together over 2 days and many curse words later. I mean the shit is snazzy now, but them 2 days of construction were about to be the downfall of me. Mama I made it! But dammit. 
  
• Because I got a bigger desk, I had to relocate my crafts. Moved everything over to the closet area.

• And because I am a glutton for punishment I then decided to purchase and put together a corner bookshelf. Yeah, I did that to myself, however that was a quick and easy job.

• One would think that without all the outsideness that I would be saving a shit-ton of money. LIES! Apparently, I have a new fascination with Amazon and eveything else that will deliver to my house. Go figure! #1 on my list is jewelry and I have been buying mad bracelets and necklaces in hopes I can be adorned when outside opens up again. 
• Speaking of outside not opening up, my trips this year are all cancelled. Meaning no Bermuda, no Nebraska (conference), no Florida to visit my good sis Sparkles & no Vegas! UGH do you know what a no blue water summer will do to me? I am not interested in finding out. 

I am trying to keep this part of my life together along with all the other things. 

Just keep a sis in your prayers and the world at large. 

that's all...

Toni Morrison

Toni Morrison



Sadly we lost an icon of an amazing writer and a Black woman who wrote of the experience of Black people- spoke for Black Woman and just eloquently opened my mind up to the ways I can be allowed to express myself.
The fact that I feel allowed to express myself in the manner I do- sometimes fully, Sometimes not at all, sometimes too much sometimes not enough - the fact I can write all those things is a testimony to her paving the way and being.
I am eternally grateful for all the Black women writers who kicked down doors and showed us the way to go.
Thank you

Friday Feelings

🤖

Friday tends to get a better rap than it deserves.
I mean just because it is at the end of the work week and generally has 2 days of either rest and relaxation or debauchery following (depending on your mood) is probably why.
Truthfully one of them days should be dedicated to the LORD but hey, he knows your heart, no?
Anywho- I enjoy each day individually and as a collective particularly when surrounded by vacation and blue water.
I enjoy any day above ground so there's that.
But today, spoke to brother 1 and he is depressed.
Life is definitely trying him.
I mean life is trying us all- but when mental illness is mixed into the realities of life it is something that can be trying moreso than for regular folks.
He is about to move to a closer place (shelter/ rooming housing assignment) in the Bronx rather than at the bottom of the Jackie Robinson in Brooklyn.
I'm pleased as this will mean he is a bit closer than the long travel and potentially we can visit more.
I don't know what this will do to his stability struggle but there is that.
Small steps towards good news is a thing. So I'm pleased.
He on the other hand is meh.
I mean looking at it from his perspective I am not sure what he is actually looking for but yeah he is not all together excited but not upset.
A muted happiness? That could be a good book title
Anywho
Life is just going along doing its thing.
I'm trying to do my part in the participatory parts of it
We shall see how they all collide.
To be continued...

that's all...

At the end of the day

At the end of the day
I just want someone to say
Hey
Good job.
You did well.
Or try again tomorrow
I love you
I support you
You matter to me

that's all...

Picking up the pieces

Today is June 20, 2018. 

A full 7 months later I am returning to writing.

 I stopped. 

Everything Stopped. 

My life as I knew it just stopped.

I guess I should explain...

A lot has happened. 

The day after I wrote that last blog (11/07/17) my younger brother died.

Michael S. Bean
July 26, 1977- November 8, 2017

Mike was in the hospital from June 30 from a having a stroke. The hospital took a few days in determining treatment and he had another massive stroke that took out his left side of his body and communication skills. He continued to fight and try to breathe and learn to communicate again and simple things like learning how to swallow again. His spouse was absolute trash and while I have sympathy and possibly empathy for loosing a spouse, there are some rather fucked up things she said and did thruout the whole damn process. I have text messages from him saying that she is trying to starve him and does not care about him and just things that contributed to this. Note: I cannot blame anyone for anything- his life choices (i.e spouse choices and health choices and etc) are/ were his and I own that. I had a different perception of what a loving partner brings to the table (inclusive of health insurance and common sense and food in the house or general partnership and caring for each other - maybe I'm way off which is why...) so with that being said in the hospital they amputated his left leg and he never recovered from alot of things (falling out the bed- some terrible health care and decision making- altho there were some angels in there and for that I am grateful.)

The call came at 5 am on that Wednesday morning and immediately I went into fixing it mode. What did I have to do to lay my brother to rest, to make sure his legacy and memory is honored and to just let him be at peace. This is the prayer and guiding principles to the actions I take- let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.. song from church. My friends/ family (TD, Sparkles, Sunshine, other brothers, Bermuda family) were phenomenal. I can't begin to say all the ways they supported Bro #1 & I but they did. We had a service for him the following week. His co-workers showed up for him- he touched so many people in life it is astonishing. I hope he knew how much he was loved. I wish he knew how much he is missed and how much of an impact he had and has on people. I still tear up thinking about my little brother (case in point as I type this) but I hope he know just how much he meant to me. He is brilliant. I read the eulogy. I made it thru without tears. And then, we pick up the pieces. 

We cleared his stuff out her apartment per her request in December and from that point on I have had 2 text messages from her. No, she is not getting his ashes- that is a blog for another day--- but all this was stressing and highly debilitating to me- a person who is functioning barely at a productive level. 

And this is topping off the passing of two of the matriarchs of my family:

Marie E. Tuzo Bean Lodge
June 2016

'Granny' as she was know to me all my damn life passed June 2016. She was in the hospital for what seemed like a chest cold, pneumonia or what turned out to be potentially lung cancer. She was vibrant and 'rude' until the end. I flew to Bermuda to see her off which was traumatic as I am in the country of my father's birth representing this extension of the family- alone- but surrounded by so much family. This woman was heroic and iconic in more ways than can be listed and I felt this was my connection to my Dad. The last. Luckily I have amazing cousins and 2 Aunties and an Uncle left (out of 10 children) that keep me in the loop. Her passing was really hard on me and just coping and living without her Bermudian accent and wise words that were imparted randomly truly affected me. Sorely missed always in my heart. 

Eleanor M. Anderson
May, 2017

Grandma Anderson passed May, 2017. Devastating. She fought a long battle with cancer and was not herself towards the end. She was having seizures and while her mind was amazingly sharper than anyone I know, her body just couldn't hold on any more. What gets me is that of course she planned her own funeral (years ago she was telling Eileen & I where important papers were and where things were and wrote her eulogy. Always prepared- I don't know if she was a girl scout). Her passing was disastrous in just so many ways. Yes as with everyone I am thankful she was not suffering but I know we (as in all of the people she touched) were not ready to let go. 

With all this, dealing with Bro#1 and his living situation and how this loss of his brother would affect his overall well being- I felt as if I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. He is currently in a shelter and this is in and of itself heartbreaking and what am I supposed to do? 

the last pic of the three

How can I just... I just don't know. We were 3. ALWAYS.  We legit balanced each other out with just the right amount of ratchet and educatedness. My two bothers literally are the angel/ devil of consciousness that guide me at times. How can a person just let that go? It is more than a loss... it is shattering to the soul. Something that I know is not repaired yet. 

Thru all this, I was navigating how to translate my work with Financial Education into something that was more fulfilling and an actual position and how I can solidify my next career moves. I presented at my jobs student affairs conference in February and then presented on Financial Education in June with my boss. That was something that was eye opening for me in the realm of possibilities for advancement and overall worth. 

So with all the things that happened to me (around me/ with me/ about me/ outside of me) the last 2 years, I feel that after a while I became numb to everything. Going thru the motions and just surviving. Not living altho I gave a great perception of 'living my best life' while trying to 'live my life like its golden' I was just there. 

Here. 

Not feeling anything but sadness. 

I could not write tho I had so many things to say. 

I could not believe because what is there to believe in - how and who do I ask this to?

Can I say Prayer helps. 

Breathing helps. 

And as of now, I am just finding my strength to be 

alive

again

picking up all the pieces 

and painstakingly putting them back into place. 

never to be the same again 

but tying to be beautiful

and whole

again. 

Step one:

GOD.

that's all

Grandma...

Is gone. 

I am at a loss

and 

while i can say there is no more pain

this hurts.

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

Here I am again.
Both brothers in the hospital dealing with amputation and sanity in their forms of illnesses that have been manifesting over the years
and
here I am trying not to be the visiting nurse service because my mentals cannot take this.
My sanity cannot handle this.
I seriously think they coordinate this bi-monthly series of visits and short to long stays in the hospitals and mental institutions respectively out of a lack of anything else to do
or
 just cause it's Tuesday
or
just cause some days they may be bored.
I know that sounds cruel and i am quite possibly writing this out of some anger or upsetness or some not right thinking in my head.
But- as of right now,  I am seriously not this strong black woman that I have been for upwards of three decades now.
It is tiresome-
And I am tired. I am exhausted. I am beat.
I am also just not sure how much more I am supposed to give when I legitimately have nothing left. Maybe if I had a stronger heart or stronger soul or a stronger mind I could do this.
Alone.
 Like I have been.
And in all my aloneness I have dealt with many an issue.
But now, at this time. I can not. I will not. I shall not.
I have to take care of me right this minute because my care of me cannot be entrusted to anyone else- I mean who else is there for me?
And if I do not choose me, then why on earth would...
At any rate, I know my faith in the Lord has carried me and will continue to do so.
That is all I got.
But even the Lord got a day of rest.
Even the Lord wants us to take care of ourselves and all that jazz. 

Cause I am not the one for this foolishness.

And call me selfish.
Call me making this about me.
Call me not being a good sister, friend, granddaughter, whatever.
Call me anything anyone wants to call me.
But don't call me for that shit.
that's all...

Family

Family...Is the cause of joy and equal amounts of heartache and pain and my family in particular is one hell of a peoples.

For the past 2 weeks I have been dealing with my siblings in the hospital- one with congestive heart failure and one with the mental issues that have plagued him and I am trying trying trying to just breathe
I am trying (and feeling like I am failing) at being the good sister to them both because what does that even look like? I mean I am sympathetic and empathetic and am worrying about the well being of both of them and I am trying to coordinate care and information sharing between the two and don't even get me started on the 'fiancée ' or whatever that is because welcome- you want the title well here is the responsibility and all that comes along with that partnership. I mean some days I feel for her and wonder what she got herself into and other days I am like 6 years in hey step it up, right?
And the other one that wants what he wants (ex/ his apartment) and the detrimental issues that come along with that.
What is this sister to do?
I pray and call and visit (although truthful I have not been to the mental hospital because I may want to stay myself ) thru all I am going thru with work and friends and feelings and

EMOTIONS AND ALONENESS.

Yes. In all caps. Bold. 28 font. All that.

I selfishly want someone here for me to comfort me and support me thru these trials- hell I have been the major support for the majority of the folks in my life yet when it comes to me- here I am. I don't know how much longer I can do this - superwoman and strong blackwoman facade because talk about impostor syndrome.
And all I want to do is cry but physically I'm not able to do that because I can't
And I can't
And I can't have these thoughts of not getting up and just staying where I am and not doing
Cause I am not allowed to be the one that needs help and I am not the one who is allowed to ask for anything for me from anyone I am the one who has to figure it out- for myself and for everyone else around me and I am the one who has to be responsible and be... Together
But separate
Funny.
Family... The family that could or would be there to support or whatever thru this is no where to be found- at the first sign of disruption to the wonderful image presented dropped like flies. Which I mean is great since you get a sense of where people stand with you, right?
So, you also get a clear picture that the sacrifices and things you did for others is NOT anything that can be reciprocated for me.
Remember that
And you know at the time I was sacrificing my time and presence and things for folks I was not doing that for anyone or any thoughts or anything it was just something that needed to be done and I did it. Others was out and about living their life and I was there. I was present.
I
I was a damned fool.
But hey, one life to live and lesson learned.
Too bad tho
I would have enjoyed my life too ya know
But I digress
And here I stand- balancing precariously the health and decisions (the sisterly ones) I can make for one brother while doing the same for the other.
And I want my mother and father here- selfishly for me
Selfishness is a great trait of mine.
Because I tend to want what I want when I want it (of course working for it) and yet, always keeping in mind the fairness of it all
But selfishly wanting them to say

Hey, you doing alright baby

You are good (enough)

You are worthy of love even...

You are beautiful

And you are ... Ok

But
Those are words I will never hear from their lips again
And my solace (like a broken record) is the fact that she is no longer in pain
And my strength is (was) the things I thought I could do
But realizing
I am not special
And I am not capable
And I am just faking the funk
Just waking up
Here
Not even present
Just here
Again

And at some point

I am loosing it

And by it I mean any semblance of 'good' that I thought I was
Am
Are
Like for example,
here i am in this world living and working and going about my daily life.
I pray. Do good. Exercise more often than not. I consider myself kind, caring, etc (just so we are clear that does not mean if you are not these things as well you aren't as good and don't deserve) but basically all that stuff has lead me to this place of unsatisfactory being.
And in case you think I am magically praying for and waiting for a companion to 'save' me, complete me or whatever me you are beyond utterly mistaken about me and should cease immediately reading this blog.
No, here is what it is-
At some point there has to be an it's your turn- you get to go, you get to try this out (relationship/ male companionship/ possibly cohabitation/ lest we go into the realm of physical touch)
And at some point there has got to be an enough is enough of this singled life that you are living and working at.
And at some point you think wow, you could possibly be loved cause you certainly do love
and at some point you are entirely mistaken with that whole thing- but because you have some semblance of faith you preserver really well and even live and happen to enjoy most of the life you are building...
And at some point you look around at your family and friends and peers and thank god for them and think at some point you can too have something/ someone to share them with.
And at some point you don't know what point you get real good at not expecting it for you- whatever it is- cause that point you can't recognize at all.
And at some point you think about the things you are not- specifically someones choice. Someones reciprocal love. Someones risk. Someones heart.
And at some point you believe the things that society is saying about women like you- unattached, unwanted, undesirable and hell maybe even undeserved.
And at some point you kind of hope for the end to be nearer than the beginning cause this story can not fathom a happy ending.
At some point you stop feeling
And at some point you ask God to remove those desires from your wants because if it is not meant for you (children/ companionship, etc) then remove those wants from your heart and soul and you can refocus on other things that matter to other folks and leave those matters of the heart for those that need use of their heart.
at some point....

Sometimes...

Sometimes

I just love it when a friend actually recognizes when life is getting me down and takes the time out to just send a little reminder ...
And I remember, and I am thankful for the blessing that they are.
❤️
that's all...

Sometimes I feel...

So today is 'daughters day' and people over Facebook are wishing other people on Facebook Happy Daughters Day. And that's great and all if you have a daughter.  And it is equally great and all if you have a parent that recognized such things. But what if you are a daughter who unfortunately has no one to wish you a happy daughters day-  then what does that make you?

What does that make me?

And not for nothing, these contrived pseudo days we celebrate that are put into the psyche of society really do more harm than good [I'm looking at you specifically Valentine's Day] causing a whole heap of negative emotions and wild thoughts of worthiness and worthlessness at the same damn time. Them some two bad bitches.

Anywho...
Just thought I put it out there
Happy Daughters Day to the daughter I don't have (...)
and happy daughters day to the daughter I hope I was.

coffee thought...

Saturday in the city with no other agenda other than food with a
friend, self care (mani/pedicure), and movies. It is just a day,
doing ordinary things, but when you do ordinary things with
extraordinary folks it just feels better.
Trust me, it does.
And I am clear that I'm gonna miss this.
But just like life, nothing lasts forever.
that's all...

Loving you {30 for 30- day 9}

Loving you

Is like pouring water

into a closed bottle.

A closed and empty bottle. 

I am pouring and pouring 

and realize

After some time 

That this task is useless

That I am wasting this water 

On this empty vessel

You. 

And I should stop. 

I should not waste 

my water on you 

I should not continue 

To nourish

Feed

Sustain

Cherish

Enhance

Care for

Maintain

Entertain 

You

I'll save my water

For someone 

Who truly 

Appreciates

The wonderful benefits

Of 

My water. 

{30 for 30 ~ day 8}

There are

Some days

Where I

Wish my

Silence was

Visible for

You to

See

Because

On those

Days I

Tend to

Speak louder

Than I

Need to

So that

I can

Confuse you

And then

You won't

Hear my

Deafening cries

I need to... {30 for 30~ day 4}

I need to

Remember to love myself

I need to

remember when I am looking outside

for validation or justification

I need to look within.

I need to

remember when I need empathy

to first grant that to myself.

I need to

remember that I cannot expect

anyone to understand

exactly what it feels like

to be me

at this very moment -

so they cannot support

or sympathize with what I am feeling.

I need to

remember that I am ok.

Just breathe.

I need to

remember that this too shall pass.

I need to

remember why

I need to remember...

Whose left...?

Whose Left to Love the Black Woman?

This is a line from being Mary Jane that is resonating with me at this moment (getting caught up on all the craziness that is this show about a 38 yr old successful African-American woman who cannot find love/ man/ kids to complete   love her & make up the perfect picture of her life that she dreamed of - and the life that folks think makes you complete with all them things because if you do not have all them things you are not enough)
Anywho... this statement is because she was chatting with a very successful African-American male and he said something to the effect that African American men are targeted in this society (true) and it is more so than the women which is why they choose white women because they show them love (something asinine came out his mouth in this show) and she said while ya'll men running around being victims and choosing the white women who (some) helped create and foster the threatening stereotype of the African- American man who is left to love the Black Woman?
Considering she has to be all things to everyone (strong, intelligent, resilient, caring, nurturing, amazing, powerful, educated, sexy & chaste at the same time) who is left to handle all that?
I found that to be a good question (not that I agree all black males are running to white women) but I agree that with the perceived or real lack of good qualified men out there 
where does that leave me? whose left?
and just like the last piece of random food on a plate (already picked over and passed over and not wanted) does that mean I take 'what's left'? Are we (I) running out of options and should I be looking into a new kind of meal?
Hmmm... i believe i have lost my appetite...

that's all...

coffee thought...

Coffee thought

I sit and wonder is it worth it?

I am trying to be

The best person I can be

I am helpful

Sympathetic

Empathetic

I am funny

Sarcastic

Intelligent

Hell, I'm a charming motherfucker.

But I am just

Not

Enough

being honest...

today, i have done nothing remotely productive and it is almost noon.
well...
i did wake up.
i did wash dishes.
i did make an egg white omelette
i did make coffee.
i didn't wash those dishes yet.
but i mean i have been sitting on my couch for the past hour or so thinking about
motherhood.
that (motherhood) is apparently one hood I am not invited to.
oh yeah, i have heard more times than i can remember that i would make a great mother someday and i am a fabulous aunty/ godmother/ motherfigure etc etc but the reality is
it is something that i am actively sad about (really) as i sit here and read these wonderful posts about babys' first steps
being a momma to a little boy
being a momma to a little girl
feeling kicks in the belly for the first time
the joys (and pains) of labor
baby kisses
random songs about sheep
random hugs because you a momma
bedtime prayers with the little one
legacy
love
just stuff...
so as i sit here thinking about all that stuff (and reading about it/ seeing it on my timeline & newsfeed/ getting texts about it from friends & family) i wonder
why not me?
what does God have in store for me?
of course i am not supposed to question Gods will (or can i considering he gave us free will)
but then why give me all these life skills and anatomical 'things' complete with monthly reminders that "you too could be a mother but you have not had sex or gotten pregnant this month therefore we are going to cause you the utmost amount of pain humanly tolerable complete with vomiting, nausea, soreness, dizziness, cramps and moodiness as a reminder of what you are not"
i guess this is what it is supposed to be (for right now)
maybe i have a bigger purpose (maybe..but specifically what?)
maybe...
that's all...

songs from back in the day...

You know them artists from the 70's & 80's had it right

with some of the lyrics to the songs they sang.

Funny as you get older and have more (or less) life experiences

you tend to identify with somethings that folks sang about with all their heart.

Future heartbreak notwithstanding, 

I remember listening to this song

(way back in the day- but definitely not when it just came out)

 and hearing what she said-

but having not tried to love someone who wasn't having it (yet)

 I was not fully able to identify with it.  S

ometimes, I wished a song was written about me

(definitely not a sad depressing song--

but maybe a love song or something similar to that in this world).

Anywho, I give you Angela Bofill- I Try...

 

I try to do the best I can for you
But it seems it's not enough
And you know I care even when you're not there
But it's not what you want

You close your door when I wanna give you more
And I feel, I feel so out of place
And you know it's true
Don't you think I'm good enough for you

And can't you see that you're hurting me
And I want, I want this pain to stop
So if you really care, I mean if you really, really care
Well then open up your heart to me, open up to me

You know that I tried to be with you
And you know that I wanted to see it through
And you know that I needed to make you mine
Well it was just a, a matter of time

And you know that I tried to be with you
And you know that I wanted to make it through
You know that I needed to make you mine
And it was only a matter of time

And you know that I tried to be with you
And you know that I wanted to see it through
You know that I needed to make you mine
And it was only a matter of time

Oh, you know that I tried to be with you
Oh, you know that I needed to make you mine

 

I won't

I won't
Relive the day
or the tragedies that followed
Because I would have done that
over and over again
for the many years to follow
Still...
I won't relive the hurt
and the sorrow that occurred
Because those things never truly go away,
now do they?
I won't relive the heroism
because in direct relation to that heroism
is the constant threat and fear
we stay in.
Orange level alerts and
high terror threats
are no way
to live life.
I won't relive the promises made
Because even those
were buried away
when the dust that settled
Never spoken of again
Mysterious.
I will remember
I won't
ever forget.

9/11