coffee thought...

Coffee thought...

Left work at 10:30 this evening.
There is always work to be done and more to do. Fun time in the OFA world when you are switching teams and all of the responsibilities that goes with it. Or that you asked for it. And it was sold to you in a crack pipe of accolades and praise.
Eh.
Maybe tomorrow.
that's all...

Oh side note:
Watched President Obama give his farewell speech today. This signifies an end of an era and truly a historic time in this Nation that had promise and growth and challenge and successes. Now... here are the real obstacles with the current elected person to our office. It is not at all anything funny and pretty messed up to see what human beings voted to run what was/ is the 'greatest nation' around. Right now- we are beyond the laughing stock of this world and something that is truly not funny.
We shall see how HOW we all survive this next 4 years- like I was telling a fellow #nobehaviorcrew member that is is like High school or college where you may hate hate hate it but you got 4 years here and have to stick it out. That is what we gonna have to do. Hardcore. Everyday. Strive for better. Never make the same mistake. Change the system. Break the broken system. Fight for social justice and make our voices heard. Yes, by any means necessary. By all means necessary.
As Mr. President Barack Obama said
Yes we can
Yes we did

Ok that's all...

coffee thought... VOTE!

coffee thought 💭 

Today is Election Day here in the USA 🇺🇸 and we are caught between Donald trump and Hillary Clinton. Now- I have not written anything about this upcoming election for a few reasons- specifically but not just limited to the nastiest vitriol that had been being spewed by the Donald. He went so far in one of the debates to call mrs Clinton a nasty woman. Now - they used to be friends- if not friends then cordial or human towards one another. At this time- he is actin like a petulant child 👶🏽 that needs to get beat. As in pick your own switch from off the road and beaten way. I am currently on my way to vote in this election- possibly seeing the first Woman president of these here United States. Imagine that... 8 years ago we elected the first African American president and we (America) are being all 'progressive' and what not. We shall see who knows...
But I'm with her...

that's all...

I think I know where...

I think I know where I fucked up...

It would have to be karate kid part 2 theme song came out. The words happen to have something in there about

I'll be the man

Who will fight for your honor

I'll be your hero

You've been dreaming of

We'll be together

Knowing forever

That we did it all

For the glory of love

Now, taken individually out of context these are just words to support a kick ass storyline about this dude rescuing this girl and them falling in love innocently and stuff-- but when you put those words in the psyche of a ___ year old impressionable pre-teen whose hormones are raging and whose dream of love had yet to be fulfilled (in whatever way a teenager gets their dreams fulfilled) this thought process sticks with you as you get older.
And you are more aware
You are more aware of what you want in a man- not only for a man who will 'fight for your honor' (and I do not mean in some janky ancient Chinese ritual) but in the way they will fight to be with you- stand by you and with you when you are acting in a way that calls for less than a loving manner, and he will stand by you when you are excelling and accomplishing some real black-woman- magic shit, and he will stand by you when you are in danger and are falling. A man who will be proud to have you and know that YES you are worth IT. So, I assumed somewhere in my mind I equated this song to something of a great comparison to what I wanted to feel when I finally felt love.
These ideals kinda transpire in the way I evaluate a man to be able to be partnerable- because all of the things I wish a man to do for/with me I will be doing for/with him (like support and love and comfort and womanly stuff, ya know?) 
And it stuck.
Funny thing about 90's music. It's old.
And in recognizing the age of the music and the movie soundtrack you also get to thinking these ideals of  love and a man who will fight for your honor are just as old and antiquated and obsolete when unfortunately due to the rampant fragility of some black male ego these days, black men wont even claim you, stand up and fight for our equality and fight for our presence, safety, rights et. al...
but... it's good to know where I fucked up in the 'game' thinking that is truth...it is actually entertainment and a good movie.

Honest words... Beau Taplin

I came across these random words

 in no particular order 

but somehow

 all have great meaning

 in my life

 at this particular time. 

(hell truthfully at many particular times)

And what is fascinating about these words

 is that they are there,

 mostly in black and white

 to see. 

And I read them aloud to hear, 

how they hit me. 

how they resonate with me 

how I want to deny them 

but hold them at the same time 

And how.. 

as I always say with words

They are completely fallible

and mischievous

and full of promise

at the same damn time.

coffee thought ...

Thinking about numbers in life- today being 9/11 and all.

This number is etched permanently in my brain- 

just like some of the other numbers of importance in my life:

5/23

16

4/08

1/13

8/25

4/05

10/23

3

0

These numbers do not mean anything to most people

 but have very significant meanings to me.

 But back to the original number I am mentioning today-

 many years ago

 people's lives were changed drastically on this date. 

Everyone remembers where they were

 and what they were doing 

and who they were living with 

and who they were loving with

and when the Towers fell

everyone remembered how they were getting home

and who they were looking for 

and what emotions were being felt

and who was missing

and who was never found

and what was never said

 and many things like that. 

Many people made dramatic choices as a result of that day- 

there were a few weddings and life changing plans because of it all--

 and this is not to say that these events would not have eventually happened- 

it is just that when you see destruction and tragedy at hand

one tends to revis their own mortality and place in the world.

So with all that being said...

 What have we accomplished since then?

 Individually

 and as a whole nation

 what has been done to uplift and advance this society? 

What have we done to bring us all together

 in a way that was prevalent that day

 (and yes people tend to bond over tragedies...

and there were a fair few directives and initiatives made

 and some resolute actions are decided on

 because of the emotions of the time...)

What have we gained since then? 

Not only physically

 but spiritually and emotionally

 and just what are we doing?

As a whole, I have no clue anymore

 I used to have a fuller broader and wider breath of emotions to spare for the world 

for all humanity 

however when I have nothing left for me

 I have nothing left to give.

All those number mean something to me.

 Important.

Of Importance.

but what do they add up to?

that's all...

I done said

I done said
all
I can say
about the subject matter
and there is
nothing more
I can say
But I will
Cause
I am me
and
I have to say it
I am like
I'm good and I notice something(s) about my friends
and then when I tell them
(the folks that say they can handle my thoughts and worlds
and let's wrap that all up into the random musings of me)
oh hell.
It's like wow.
 And it's like clearly
I have a problem
so let's just shut you up
 and change the nature of this relationship
 and move from there.
I am like what?
So I give you what I notice-
not that I asked you for anything
and this is like nope- shift.
Well damn.



but I done
said
all that I was gone say

The age of...

The age of...

This move I just saw called The Age of Adeline and it was really really a good movie about life, choices, and love.
*spoiler alert*- in case you have intentions of seeing this movie stop here, watch the movie, and then return to the normal reading of this blog... if you are not going to watch the movie, stop here, watch it anyway, and then return to the normal reading of this blog...

A freak accident happened and this woman ended up not aging in the conventional sense. Her age did increase, but her appearance did not.  The choices she had to continue to make throughout her life
(specifically surrounding love and companionship) were particularly interesting- see she could not ever tell the truth about herself (because she would have become a specimen/ a scientific experiment to be analyzed and militated probably for profits since the world is seeking increasingly the fountain of youth) and if you cannot tell the truth about yourself then your relationships and feelings are all

• based on lies
• never inherently bringing you close to someone
• are false themselves since again you are living a lie
• are complicated....

I mean I can go on and make a better list but I shall not. So, in this movie Adeline struggled to live-  every few years she changed her identity to not be found out. The only person who was a constant was her daughter whom she stayed away from so that people would not question why the daughter looks like her grandmother. Now, Adeline 'lived' but never had a life (does that make sense?) Yes, she had a child from when she was normal, but this child ages and she does not. Imagine seeing everyone around you down to your pets leave- aka die and you are here 'living'. It is epically lonely to say the least.
And imagine never being able to trust that someone will love you as you are, mortal secret and all, and choose to be with you regardless.
That is what gets me about this movie (and the acting was superb) but the 'letting go' and loving someone regardless of the risk. And the person you choose doing the same for you.
FOR YOU.
It is entirely liberating (in the movies at least) and freeing.
It is something I know I seek (I mean it would be nice, right?)
love
is definitely something.
I know what they portrayed in this movie (him courting her, making an effort, and showing her his love in many many ways/and then her showing him something he has never seen before) seems amazing. At the end of the movie, when the father is toasting his wife, the love of his life, and saying things like this partner of his made him strive to be a better man, husband, etc... sigh.
It is definitely a wish of mine for whatever/ whenever God sees fit to reveal and sends love to me that there is mutual fascinating with each other and a passionate love that is lifelong.
Again, someday.
But until then, there are great movies to keep hope alive and keep the thoughts positive about the current state of affairs.
Gotta just love love in all its forms.

into the woods...

I took this quiz from (http://higherperspectives.com/relational-psychology-test/) and found the answers (and subsequent questions about my life) very interesting...

Feel free to judge...

This is what they call a relational psychology test. The answers to these questions indicate relevance to values that you hold in your personal lives. Let’s get to it!

Picture yourself walking through a beautiful forest. The sun is out, there’s a perfect breeze. It’s just beautiful.

Who are you walking with? Him

As you continue on in your walk through the forest, you come across an animal.

What kind of animal is it? Frog

You come up to the animal.

What does the animal do? Follows & Walks (hops) with me

You’re walking deeper into the woods yet, and you come to a clearing. There’s a house in the middle of the clearing.

How big is it? Is it fenced in or no? Small to medium cottage, low stone homely & Inviting

You walk up to the door of the home and it’s open a bit. You enter and see a table.

Describe what’s on the table. Plates & candles & napkins & fruit and food.

You finish looking around the house and leave out the back door. There’s a huge lawn and in the center is a garden. In the garden, you find a cup.

What is the cup made out of? What do you do with the cup? a big mug- sturdy for the large coffees I love! I pick it up and take it with me (never know when I will run into a Starbucks on my journey...)

As you walk to the end of the garden, you find yourself at a body of water.

What kind of body of water is it? A lake? River? Pond? it is a lake/ very huge river very pretty

You must cross this water in order to get home.

How wet do you get? I swim out to a boat (so very?) and then row the boat.

Ready for some answers?

The person you were walking with is the most important person in your life. Wait...

The size of the animal you come across is a representation of the size of your problems. ok, a cool small frog...

If your action was more severe, it means you tend to be more aggressive. If it was peaceful, then more passive. welp..guess I'm a bit passive...

The size of your home is representative of the size of your ambition. small to medium-- hmmmm

If there was no fence around the home, it means you tend to be more open. stone fence-- that's telling... a damned stone fence, huh?

If what you saw on the table wasn’t food, people, or flowers, it indicates some unhappiness. well there was food & other stuff-- does that mean I am semi-unhappy?

How durable the cup you found was is representative of how strong your relationship is with the person in the first part of the story. What you do with it is representative of your attitude toward them. well the cup is a big mug so I guess its a big thing.. and I take it with me so does that mean I take this relationship with me?

The size of the body of water is related to the size of your sexual drive. gasp! we all knew that...hehehe

If you became very wet, it indicates that sex is important to you. If not very wet, it may mean it’s less important. all the way wet... literally when I think of... anywho glad I can swim, huh...

sooo this means that.... oh boy. I need a drink.

coffee thought...{30 for 30 ~ day 13}

What would you risk for love?

At this juncture in my life
I feel there is nothing greater than love therefore the risk should be just as equal- but on both sides
I know me- I risk my being for the love of someone else {but not just any love because my love ain't any old love}
I risk everything, everything you hear me for love- my comfort zone, my safety net, my facade is removed and my core is revealed. My truth you know.
I am vulnerable.

Exposed. 

Fragile. 

Hoping that if my love sees all this they would still want me
choose me
Love me.
So, what would you risk for love?
So far, I risk me.

that's all...

I need to... {30 for 30~ day 4}

I need to

Remember to love myself

I need to

remember when I am looking outside

for validation or justification

I need to look within.

I need to

remember when I need empathy

to first grant that to myself.

I need to

remember that I cannot expect

anyone to understand

exactly what it feels like

to be me

at this very moment -

so they cannot support

or sympathize with what I am feeling.

I need to

remember that I am ok.

Just breathe.

I need to

remember that this too shall pass.

I need to

remember why

I need to remember...

I wanted... {30 for 30~ day 3}

I wanted
To be beauty in your eyes
I wanted
To be passion in your thighs
I wanted
To be eloquence on your tongue
I wanted
To be intelligence and the one.
I wanted to be desired by your lips
I wanted
To be inspired by your quips
I wanted
To be amazed by your Hips
I wanted
to be and loved
I wanted
To be mattered and deserved
Above all I wanted to be heard.
I wanted
To care
I wanted
you to dare
I wanted
You