Quarantine Day #78 [COVID_19]

In case you were wondering what is happening in the world... we are still under quarantine especially in NYC where we are hard hit with this virus. Today, the US death toll due to the virus has topped 100,000 - which is a very tragic milestone. It has been 2 months and 17 days of indoors total for me. Not that I haven't been outside at all... but listen...I have been diligently #socialdistancing or #physicaldistancing for the most part. Been working from home every damn day and it is harder than it actually looks. Things that I have found out about myself while home:

• I have not bought another office chair, therefore my ass still hurts in this small assed one (pun intended). 
• I did purchase a new desk and played Bean the builder putting it together over 2 days and many curse words later. I mean the shit is snazzy now, but them 2 days of construction were about to be the downfall of me. Mama I made it! But dammit. 
  
• Because I got a bigger desk, I had to relocate my crafts. Moved everything over to the closet area.

• And because I am a glutton for punishment I then decided to purchase and put together a corner bookshelf. Yeah, I did that to myself, however that was a quick and easy job.

• One would think that without all the outsideness that I would be saving a shit-ton of money. LIES! Apparently, I have a new fascination with Amazon and eveything else that will deliver to my house. Go figure! #1 on my list is jewelry and I have been buying mad bracelets and necklaces in hopes I can be adorned when outside opens up again. 
• Speaking of outside not opening up, my trips this year are all cancelled. Meaning no Bermuda, no Nebraska (conference), no Florida to visit my good sis Sparkles & no Vegas! UGH do you know what a no blue water summer will do to me? I am not interested in finding out. 

I am trying to keep this part of my life together along with all the other things. 

Just keep a sis in your prayers and the world at large. 

that's all...

Grandma...

Is gone. 

I am at a loss

and 

while i can say there is no more pain

this hurts.

coffee thought ...

coffee thought ...

☕️

Today is the day. Pretty much I have an appointment at 11:30 to figure out some things about 'the girls' and while I am trying to be brave I am also a bit scared. It is something to get to this point in life and then to have this scare. Which is what it is a scare. I am not claiming I have anything just scared of something.

that's all..

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

Here I am again.
Both brothers in the hospital dealing with amputation and sanity in their forms of illnesses that have been manifesting over the years
and
here I am trying not to be the visiting nurse service because my mentals cannot take this.
My sanity cannot handle this.
I seriously think they coordinate this bi-monthly series of visits and short to long stays in the hospitals and mental institutions respectively out of a lack of anything else to do
or
 just cause it's Tuesday
or
just cause some days they may be bored.
I know that sounds cruel and i am quite possibly writing this out of some anger or upsetness or some not right thinking in my head.
But- as of right now,  I am seriously not this strong black woman that I have been for upwards of three decades now.
It is tiresome-
And I am tired. I am exhausted. I am beat.
I am also just not sure how much more I am supposed to give when I legitimately have nothing left. Maybe if I had a stronger heart or stronger soul or a stronger mind I could do this.
Alone.
 Like I have been.
And in all my aloneness I have dealt with many an issue.
But now, at this time. I can not. I will not. I shall not.
I have to take care of me right this minute because my care of me cannot be entrusted to anyone else- I mean who else is there for me?
And if I do not choose me, then why on earth would...
At any rate, I know my faith in the Lord has carried me and will continue to do so.
That is all I got.
But even the Lord got a day of rest.
Even the Lord wants us to take care of ourselves and all that jazz. 

Cause I am not the one for this foolishness.

And call me selfish.
Call me making this about me.
Call me not being a good sister, friend, granddaughter, whatever.
Call me anything anyone wants to call me.
But don't call me for that shit.
that's all...

Sometimes...

Sometimes

I just love it when a friend actually recognizes when life is getting me down and takes the time out to just send a little reminder ...
And I remember, and I am thankful for the blessing that they are.
❤️
that's all...

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

More like coffee thoughts and the myriad of things running thru my head.
Work has kicked it up a notch (or 7) and I am in the midst of transitioning (yay more leadership) but with that I have lost two going on three folks from my team. This means the remaining members need to step it up but also I need to make sure they are competent to do so otherwise I am stuck and then I am the one who can't move forward.
sigh...
that's all...
oh-
and I wish sleep would return to me
because the things that are troubling me are things I have no control over
and if I have no control over them
then who can I turn to [yes of course God...]
but I mean
don't he/ she got bigger things to conquer
than singing my soul to sleep?
eh...
now
that's all...

coffee thought...

Currently flying at 39453 feet in the air traveling from Fort Lauderdale at 529 miles per hour over Savannah at this point. Going home.
Home.
That is something that I am thankful to be able to have is a home. I was visiting (with my sister girl TD) at my other sister girl house.
It was a lovely time- basically where we were able to rest relax and
just be.
And we talked cause we all can take up a storm. But it was soo good to see pearls again after having not seen her in quite some time (since I drove her to Florida).
We went to the beach and (according to them) were attacked by fishes.
It was the funniest thing. The sand on this beach was hot as hellfire and we were doing our best bay watch runs to the water and was thoroughly enjoying the food drinks dranks and drunks. Lol. As we were watching the birds dive down near the pier and scoop up the fishes I felt a little fish by my foot and was like oh. Well we are in the ocean so I guess it is to be expected. Then TD feels a fish. Then pearls daughter was like Ohhhh mommy you better get out the water (she gets skeeved by these things) and the next thing you know there was a school or a damn near university of fishes (mind you these fish are like 3 inches at max) swimming by us. Let me tell you the craziness and the screaming them ladies did. I was cracking up laughing and they were grabbing on to TD for safety:
FYI we are in boob high water and FYI #2 we were swimming topless so 'they' were jumping out the water and the while damn beach was watching. You can't make this stuff up. TD was like (all deadpan) monotonous get off me.
 I died. apparently, being of Island parentage and used to fish and fish swimming near you/ by you and of course being that I am part mermaid, sea enchantress, goddess I am used to things like that...
Gotta love the silliness.
But on a serious tip, because of the spiritual beliefs and God that we believe in she cleanses her house spiritually in a regular basis. We talked about some of the things (spirits and prayers) and last night
was interesting if the nights that I was troubled in my sleep (prayers AND had to sleep with the light on) 
There are some things that are un-explainable...There are some things you don't ask questions on
that's all...

Secrets

The thing about secrets is
The only way to keep a secret is to keep it-
as in not share it
and
just deal with it.
Especially if it is yours...
I was in the car with my cuz and we were discussing
[all that jazz]
and
I was like
it's not like I... well it's...
And she was like
what are you saying???
Now, I interpreted the horrified look on her face as
a horrified look
and
quickly astutely changed the subject.
because burdened be or not,
since this secret is yours (mine) you (I) need not worry
if it will come out if you (I) don't share it.
sounds simple.
so simple
"it could all be so simple... but you'd rather make it hard... loving you is like a battle... and we both end up with scars..." thank you Lauryn Hill
I mean, sometimes I want to tell- tell those that don't know... tell those who i think would care...
And just be the "__________" blank woman that they think is associated with IT.
I mean insert any adjective you may think as IT
but IT is what it is.
So for a person like me, who loves to communicate and am stifled by this thing
who do I tell?

coffee thought...horoscope time

 

maybe...I mean it is Wednesday... happy hump day!

I need to... {30 for 30~ day 4}

I need to

Remember to love myself

I need to

remember when I am looking outside

for validation or justification

I need to look within.

I need to

remember when I need empathy

to first grant that to myself.

I need to

remember that I cannot expect

anyone to understand

exactly what it feels like

to be me

at this very moment -

so they cannot support

or sympathize with what I am feeling.

I need to

remember that I am ok.

Just breathe.

I need to

remember that this too shall pass.

I need to

remember why

I need to remember...

Afternoon- random dreams

I write down my random dreams just to see where my mind is that day/night/season. Good thing I don't always put too much thought into it (cause a dream is something I cannot control with as much control I am trying to have in my daily life) Both dreams are just odd in the sense that some things I feel I know I feel (like a sense of not being heard) and some things I think I know I just don't know, and some folks in my dream I am wondering why they are there? Like who do they represent?
Eh...I'll leave it for the true dream interpreters to figure out. 


Afternoon
Woke up 3 pm
Dreamt that I was in VS and was looking for a tan waffle shirt long sleeve with pink writing. There was some other Caucasian girl there that was looking at the same thing but her small size was not there. HE appeared on my right side (headphones in) and I was like oh do you like this shirt? HE was like it's aight- but the random white chick asks the same thing and you go its looks sexy. I get annoyed but accepted it as 'whatever' because it's HE.
We walk to the back of the store and see a bunch of females running (in my hand I have picked up a cobalt blue hard makeup case) and we see this security guard (that is my Ex) chase this black girl into the bathroom. We are moving towards the registers and there are a few heavyset black women as cashiers (which does not fit the stereotypical VS mode). I go up to one to check the price of the case and before I can speak the Ex comes out with the female thief and is like are you going to pay for that (I mean I am at the register) and I am like what do you think (cause I am annoyed at his presence and that he is arresting this girl even tho she is obviously stealing) and he says, I was not talking to you I was talking to Him. So HE is apparently are stuffing female undergarments into a bag (black plastic garbage bag) and HE looks annoyed at him and say 'what do you think' . Ex says, well by putting it into a plastic bag, it looks like you are stealing it, I am about to intervene (I don't really know how or what to do) and before I turn towards HE the sales lady says to me 'do you have someone to talk to? You look like there is a lot going on and make sure you talk to that someone. ' let me give you my card' and she reaches for her card to give me (she is a psychic reader/medium etc) I am still waiting for the price and HE having heard all this go up next to me on the left and looks at her (so she can read Him) and she says you know you got a strong woman here (HE says I know) and she says and you tell her/ give her a lot to handle (HE says yes I do) she says make sure you know that (and implies that you make sure to tell her and show her you love her) I am like shaking my head and HE goes 'it just happened that way, but I get it. I will.
I am like what? What just happened? What HE get/ got? What should I know?
The Ex looks dejected and continues to arrest the poor girl, and continues to look at me disgusted (what did I do?) She gave the blue case to me HE puts His arm thru mine and we start walking out. I am confused, and HE says to me don't worry, we'll talk. HE walks out with the garbage bag full of ladies underwear (odd) but we get right outside the door of the VS store and HE turns to me and looks at me. I stop and stare at him like, Ok what? (and because it is a dream I put my right hand on my hip like do something/ say something). HE proceeds to put his srm around my waist and pulls me in to kiss him (which seems natural in the grand scheme of things) and I apparently do not resist. We (after a kiss or 12 lol) are standing in a room (not my room) and HE hands me the garbage bag of undies and says put this on- so I take the bag and look inside and it is something very risque in there that I am supposed to put on. As I leave to do what I am told these thoughts in my dream head are:
Wait- so I just am gonna go with this? And don't feel no way about it? And I am gonna just act like this is normal (us) and everyone is cool with this?
I woke up before I left the room to change clothes because even in my dreams....

Also had a second dream that we (the brothers and I) owned a white pedophile van, and it was burning (for some reason)  and all our equipment was in there and I was trying to get bro #1's attention so that we can all move from the van and be safe before it blew up. No one was listening to me, and I am watching the gas burn more, trying to calculate exactly how long before this entire thing goes up in smoke and then I die. I truly felt scared and had to wake myself up because I felt that if the car exploded in this dream, I would really not make it.

I hate...poem of the evening

I hate

How I give you pieces of me

And watch you fumble

to hold them all

Unsure of where to put them

Unaware of where I belong 

Because

I am heavy

And

Messy

And

A lot

And

Too much

And

Imperfect

And

Complicated

And

Scared

And so I give you

Pieces of me

And watch you as you

Attempt to

See me

And understand me

And are possibly ashamed

To touch

But you never touch

And feel

And I am left in pieces

Right here

So after I give you pieces of me

And I see you

Struggle

To

Just

Have

A

Piece

Of

Me

I

I want them back

I want me back

I try to take them back

I want me back

I want to

To lessen the burden

Of me 

And I

Hope

Truly hope

you won't fail

Me

And I

hope I don't fall

Cause look at me... 

Trying to put all my pieces

Back into their

convenient hiding places

Because

Exposed

I am vulnerable

Exposed

I am liable

Exposed

I am hurt

Exposed

I am not what you want

Exposed

I am not what you can handle

But a part

In part

I love those pieces of me

to the man that hit my car

I do not know what made you do it,
I do not know why you decided to come off the highway and stop irrationally close to my car.
And as I notice you in my rear view mirror, you then proceed to hit my car.
And as I get out the car I can see the choice you have, which is to swing your car around mine and attempt to get away
or sit there as me, a black female approaches you, a white male in the car.
And you have a firefighter plaquard in the window.,
And you put the phone down as I approach.
And your eyes are glazed over from what seems to be a night of inebriation
And you look at me as if I am the crazy irrational black woman who walks up to you and says
Are you fucking kidding me?
Why the fuck did you hit my car?
And as you hold your hand up as if I am going to do something I realize that
you have no clue
you don't know what you just did
and
I ask you if you are alright
and luckily you had on your seat belt
and I say you know drinking and driving kills
as well as you should fucking know better
and I have a cousin who is a firefighter and how dare you
and take your ass home before this gets ugly
and drive your car in front of me so that I don't get hit again.

My cousins are alight. I am alright.
But I am not OK

I know

I know

You have a master plan

But sometimes you are just a little hard to figure.

 

quote from the Preacher's Wife

which I am currently indulging in

and throughly relating with and enjoying

at the same time.

 

Oh Lord, please show me.

 

Verbal diarrhea

Something that is not at all ok to say or have when you are trying to 'not make any sudden movements' around the players of your life and keep everyone at a safe distance. I truly am good at making sure all these walls I have built up are firmly and securely in place (lest my crazy come running out full speed ahead) and yet sometimes even when I am not aware I get comfortable and whams there that crazy goes spilling all over the place- uninvited and uncomfortable- and I'm sorry. Truly I am sorry. I am sorry because this is not something you asked for or signed up for and my verbal diarrhea is not something I expect anyone to handle or manage - which is why I keep it together, right? And it is not something that you wanted to know- NO - I am not something that you wanted to know SO Now what?

How do I clean up the mess (of me) that I made and keep you away from seeing it? How do maintain the carefully placed meticulously calculated relationship and not get messed up? How do I ask you to figuratively hold my hair whilst I make this mess and please don't judge me because I am human and flawed too- just how do I take back the truths you saw and the words I said and the thoughts that run rampant in my head...

Just how...

this is not ok. 

that's all...