Try

At this point in my life, 

and at this particular evening 

how about someone 

"try a little tenderness"

with me 

as in 

just try

really try

really just attempt

any tenderness 

with me

because 

i am afraid

that this
old heart of mine 

is failing 

at the lack of

love

and tenderness

in life.

that's all...

Something {30 for 30- day 7}

Was it something
That was done or
was it something I said?
Your actions
My reactions
The silence
The anger
The thoughts of what we had
Not what we have
Maybe it was because
I no longer accepted the lies
And maybe it was because
You didn't even try
But
Definitely because You know
I knew
That I am not the only one
loving you
So
Maybe it was because
It was something I done did
Guess that's this life
And this choice I will no longer have to live.

Horoscope: Gemini: March 28th, 2015

You take life very seriously now. 

You question major commitments and decisions

 you have made in the past,

 such as career choices, 

place of residence, 

marriage and other major relationships. 

This is a time of self-analysis

 and questioning 

about the direction 

you have taken in your life.

Well isn't this the sh*t that keeps me up at night every damned night and twice on Sundays too?
I mean, while I live in contribution and do 'right' as defined by Websters et. al... I am often in wonderment of this direction of life... this path I am on... this choice that the universe says I am choosing? Like really? Like I am actively choosing to be single and live without companionship and without love or without having that relationship I desire or family and children that I dreamt about. 
The universe is saying this is my choice?
I need to see the receipts on that one, because this is not what I signed up for. 
I rebuke that sh*t.. 
But, 
until I get the proof that THAT is what it is, 
I feel like young Natalie Wood in the end of Miracle on 34th street
reciting
'I believe, I believe, I know it is silly but I believe"
and magically (via Santa, right?) her 'dreams' came true. 

I believe...
I believe...
I believe...

that's all..

Random dream- bridges over water

Dream- bridges over water

I had a dream that I was under this bridge and trying to figure out how to get across the troubled waters. The bridge looked to be a combination of wood and metal but I was in a grassy area and I was stuck. What was interesting is that I know I couldn't go over the bridge because there was a troll on the bridge blocking my way (scary troll at that thus I was trying to hide and move at the same time). Upon the water/ currents I see fish in the water (reddish/ orangey ones) and I know they are dangerous to me- but I HAVE TO CROSS THIS BRIDGE.  Staying still is not an option- but as much as I am trying to look for materials  to build a boat or a pole vault (why I think I can pole vault over this big ass water is besides the point) I cannot find anything to make into some sort of assistance. On the other side there is comfort- safety there/ stress-less awaits me there as I know this troll thing won't be after me and I know I would be safe. Now- I have the desire and the where-with-all to try to craft tools to get out my situation but I just can't. And my mind is racing against the rising current on this sunny day. Odd. 

I woke up very frustrated and mad at myself for not being able to get myself out this situation that apparently I got myself in. 

Is this my life? 

Who is the troll? Trolls belong under the bridge- so by me being the one under the bridge am I the troll?

Am I subconsciously blocking my own way (as a troll nonetheless) and do I really lack the skill set to help myself?

Am I that helpless that I can't cross a raging river full of pariahs and eminent death to get to my safety?

sigh....

coffee thought... Horoscope: Gemini: February 15th, 2015

You can afford to be avant-garde today-

let the progressive revolutionary in you roam at will.

Today is filled with thought-provoking discussions about controversial topics,

unusual or offbeat ideas, or "whacky" concepts.

The tempo of your life is increasing and

may leave you feeling frazzled today however,

because you are quite restless at present,

 you may say things which leave others stunned.

This means as usual I will find a way to put my foot in my mouth

concerning matters of the heart...

specifically matters of my heart

but hey,

why not feel frazzled and be restless...

it beats the alternative

(calm and bored).

anywho...that's all...

Sent from my iPhone

Crusin..

I'm in that kind of mood where I want to be 

Crusin with my love, 

carefree and in love, 

just being cool..

enjoying each other

even in the silence...

Baby let's cruise away from here
Don't be confused baby, the way is clear
And if you want it you got it forever
Oh, this is not a one night stand baby

Let the music take your mind
And just release and you will find, baby

We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Baby, tonight belongs to us
Everything's right, do what you must, baby
And inch by inch we get closer and closer
Every little part of each other ooh, baby, baby

Let the music take your mind
Just release and you will find, baby

We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together

We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together

Cruise with me baby, baby
Oh baby

Oh baby let's cruise, let's flow
Let's glide, let's open up and go inside
And if you want it you got it forever
I can just stay there inside you and love you, baby

Let the music take your mind
And just release and you will find

We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together

We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together

We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together

We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together

I hate...poem of the evening

I hate

How I give you pieces of me

And watch you fumble

to hold them all

Unsure of where to put them

Unaware of where I belong 

Because

I am heavy

And

Messy

And

A lot

And

Too much

And

Imperfect

And

Complicated

And

Scared

And so I give you

Pieces of me

And watch you as you

Attempt to

See me

And understand me

And are possibly ashamed

To touch

But you never touch

And feel

And I am left in pieces

Right here

So after I give you pieces of me

And I see you

Struggle

To

Just

Have

A

Piece

Of

Me

I

I want them back

I want me back

I try to take them back

I want me back

I want to

To lessen the burden

Of me 

And I

Hope

Truly hope

you won't fail

Me

And I

hope I don't fall

Cause look at me... 

Trying to put all my pieces

Back into their

convenient hiding places

Because

Exposed

I am vulnerable

Exposed

I am liable

Exposed

I am hurt

Exposed

I am not what you want

Exposed

I am not what you can handle

But a part

In part

I love those pieces of me

Leela James - Fall For You

such a great song that totally captures falling...

Here we are, together

And everything between us is good

I'm right here in this cloud, baby

Ready to fly but before I take

Another step

Would you catch me if I fall for you?

'cause I'm falling

I'm falling, I'm falling

I'm so used to standing

So used to being on my own

But this thing is new, baby

It feels like I'm losing control

I'll take another step

If you catch me when I fall for you

'cause I'm falling

I'm falling, I'm falling

Will you promise to be there?

Stay by my side always?

Whenever I need you

Don't let me down, no, no

If I give you my all, don't let me fall

Would you do that for me, hold me?

Will you love, will you love me?

My heart is ready

For love and to be loved

And I chose you, baby

That's the one thing I'm sure of

So I will take this one last step

So catch me, I'm falling for you

I'm falling

I'm falling, I'm falling

I'm falling

I'm falling, I'm falling

Fwd: Word

I think I can safely say this without
Rhyme or reason
Or any reservations
About who may/ may not read this
Or who may judge me
Or who may laugh at me
Or who may/ may not actually love me
I can safely say this...
 

In thinking about love and choice and choices of love, I think...
I think that love is freeing.
I think that falling in love is a farce.
I think...
I think that freewill is amazing.
I think that people underestimate the power of choice and what it does for us. 
I think that...
I think that people do not know how to receive the love that is given to them.
I think that I think about the possible too much rather than the impossible.
I think that...
I think that what's for me is for me wherever it may be.
I think that my future husband will have to say this to me or show this concept of love to me regularly.
I think I think too much. 

songs from back in the day...

You know them artists from the 70's & 80's had it right

with some of the lyrics to the songs they sang.

Funny as you get older and have more (or less) life experiences

you tend to identify with somethings that folks sang about with all their heart.

Future heartbreak notwithstanding, 

I remember listening to this song

(way back in the day- but definitely not when it just came out)

 and hearing what she said-

but having not tried to love someone who wasn't having it (yet)

 I was not fully able to identify with it.  S

ometimes, I wished a song was written about me

(definitely not a sad depressing song--

but maybe a love song or something similar to that in this world).

Anywho, I give you Angela Bofill- I Try...

 

I try to do the best I can for you
But it seems it's not enough
And you know I care even when you're not there
But it's not what you want

You close your door when I wanna give you more
And I feel, I feel so out of place
And you know it's true
Don't you think I'm good enough for you

And can't you see that you're hurting me
And I want, I want this pain to stop
So if you really care, I mean if you really, really care
Well then open up your heart to me, open up to me

You know that I tried to be with you
And you know that I wanted to see it through
And you know that I needed to make you mine
Well it was just a, a matter of time

And you know that I tried to be with you
And you know that I wanted to make it through
You know that I needed to make you mine
And it was only a matter of time

And you know that I tried to be with you
And you know that I wanted to see it through
You know that I needed to make you mine
And it was only a matter of time

Oh, you know that I tried to be with you
Oh, you know that I needed to make you mine

 

Words of love to people who love words

I love
The creativity that people have to display
I love
the words they hide behind everyday
I love
the games they additionally choose to play
I love
they also get mad when I have something to say
Fear not
what I choose to tell you
Even tho it's true
You're lucky
I have decided to even spend some time with you
And when
I choose not to deal with all the bullshit you give
Just be lucky
I don't use these words to diminish the life you choose to live.
that's all...