Getting back to me...

Hello. 

How are you doing?

Nice to see you here. 

I hope you stuck around to see how this here life turned out--- cause I did. 

I mean

I am back

(sort of) 

I am coming back slowly to something of myself

Some semblance of... me 

or 

this new me

this new me that carries these scars

this new me that has this hurt

this new me that has this new pain 

this new me that has this new pain and no new ways of dealing. 

So

I am trying to come back to myself 

come back to the things that make me happy

like

blogging

writing about 

life

stuff

love

hope

dreams

accomplishments

family

just back to me

Yeah,

I thank you for sticking around

and being patient

cause 

GOD is not thru with me yet

and I am not thru yet

and 

I 

am 

coming back

that's all...

Picking up the pieces

Today is June 20, 2018. 

A full 7 months later I am returning to writing.

 I stopped. 

Everything Stopped. 

My life as I knew it just stopped.

I guess I should explain...

A lot has happened. 

The day after I wrote that last blog (11/07/17) my younger brother died.

Michael S. Bean
July 26, 1977- November 8, 2017

Mike was in the hospital from June 30 from a having a stroke. The hospital took a few days in determining treatment and he had another massive stroke that took out his left side of his body and communication skills. He continued to fight and try to breathe and learn to communicate again and simple things like learning how to swallow again. His spouse was absolute trash and while I have sympathy and possibly empathy for loosing a spouse, there are some rather fucked up things she said and did thruout the whole damn process. I have text messages from him saying that she is trying to starve him and does not care about him and just things that contributed to this. Note: I cannot blame anyone for anything- his life choices (i.e spouse choices and health choices and etc) are/ were his and I own that. I had a different perception of what a loving partner brings to the table (inclusive of health insurance and common sense and food in the house or general partnership and caring for each other - maybe I'm way off which is why...) so with that being said in the hospital they amputated his left leg and he never recovered from alot of things (falling out the bed- some terrible health care and decision making- altho there were some angels in there and for that I am grateful.)

The call came at 5 am on that Wednesday morning and immediately I went into fixing it mode. What did I have to do to lay my brother to rest, to make sure his legacy and memory is honored and to just let him be at peace. This is the prayer and guiding principles to the actions I take- let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.. song from church. My friends/ family (TD, Sparkles, Sunshine, other brothers, Bermuda family) were phenomenal. I can't begin to say all the ways they supported Bro #1 & I but they did. We had a service for him the following week. His co-workers showed up for him- he touched so many people in life it is astonishing. I hope he knew how much he was loved. I wish he knew how much he is missed and how much of an impact he had and has on people. I still tear up thinking about my little brother (case in point as I type this) but I hope he know just how much he meant to me. He is brilliant. I read the eulogy. I made it thru without tears. And then, we pick up the pieces. 

We cleared his stuff out her apartment per her request in December and from that point on I have had 2 text messages from her. No, she is not getting his ashes- that is a blog for another day--- but all this was stressing and highly debilitating to me- a person who is functioning barely at a productive level. 

And this is topping off the passing of two of the matriarchs of my family:

Marie E. Tuzo Bean Lodge
June 2016

'Granny' as she was know to me all my damn life passed June 2016. She was in the hospital for what seemed like a chest cold, pneumonia or what turned out to be potentially lung cancer. She was vibrant and 'rude' until the end. I flew to Bermuda to see her off which was traumatic as I am in the country of my father's birth representing this extension of the family- alone- but surrounded by so much family. This woman was heroic and iconic in more ways than can be listed and I felt this was my connection to my Dad. The last. Luckily I have amazing cousins and 2 Aunties and an Uncle left (out of 10 children) that keep me in the loop. Her passing was really hard on me and just coping and living without her Bermudian accent and wise words that were imparted randomly truly affected me. Sorely missed always in my heart. 

Eleanor M. Anderson
May, 2017

Grandma Anderson passed May, 2017. Devastating. She fought a long battle with cancer and was not herself towards the end. She was having seizures and while her mind was amazingly sharper than anyone I know, her body just couldn't hold on any more. What gets me is that of course she planned her own funeral (years ago she was telling Eileen & I where important papers were and where things were and wrote her eulogy. Always prepared- I don't know if she was a girl scout). Her passing was disastrous in just so many ways. Yes as with everyone I am thankful she was not suffering but I know we (as in all of the people she touched) were not ready to let go. 

With all this, dealing with Bro#1 and his living situation and how this loss of his brother would affect his overall well being- I felt as if I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. He is currently in a shelter and this is in and of itself heartbreaking and what am I supposed to do? 

the last pic of the three

How can I just... I just don't know. We were 3. ALWAYS.  We legit balanced each other out with just the right amount of ratchet and educatedness. My two bothers literally are the angel/ devil of consciousness that guide me at times. How can a person just let that go? It is more than a loss... it is shattering to the soul. Something that I know is not repaired yet. 

Thru all this, I was navigating how to translate my work with Financial Education into something that was more fulfilling and an actual position and how I can solidify my next career moves. I presented at my jobs student affairs conference in February and then presented on Financial Education in June with my boss. That was something that was eye opening for me in the realm of possibilities for advancement and overall worth. 

So with all the things that happened to me (around me/ with me/ about me/ outside of me) the last 2 years, I feel that after a while I became numb to everything. Going thru the motions and just surviving. Not living altho I gave a great perception of 'living my best life' while trying to 'live my life like its golden' I was just there. 

Here. 

Not feeling anything but sadness. 

I could not write tho I had so many things to say. 

I could not believe because what is there to believe in - how and who do I ask this to?

Can I say Prayer helps. 

Breathing helps. 

And as of now, I am just finding my strength to be 

alive

again

picking up all the pieces 

and painstakingly putting them back into place. 

never to be the same again 

but tying to be beautiful

and whole

again. 

Step one:

GOD.

that's all

Becoming

Friendly conversations...

Sunshine:  excuse you

who told you you could get to work at 11?

i thought you had a meeting or something this morning

 Sent at 2:11 PM on Wednesday

 Sunshine:  *wondering if this is people ignoring me again. hmmmm...

 Sent at 2:15 PM on Wednesday

 Sunshine:  UGGHHHHHHHHHGHGHHGHGHGHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Sent at 2:41 PM on Wednesday

 me:  really

hahahahaah

well

since i was up at 2

and was getting sleepy at 5

i sent an email to the boss saying look i cant

i will try to be there at 11

and re-arranged my morning to fit into lunch time this afternoon

 Sunshine:  WHAT WAS you doing up at 2? didn't you hang up on me to go to sleep? oh my goodness you late night cheating on me

 me:  YESSS

No

iwent to sleep at 1

woke up @ 2:10 choking

ever happen to you

 Sunshine:  dick in the mouth?

 me:  like i swallowed or somethign

REALLY

REALLY?

shit if only

i would be choking then

THAT i am sure of

 Sunshine:  better start practicing then

 me:  that i want to do

 Sunshine:  choking is frowned upon

 me:  alas no willing participants

 Sunshine:  ask a cucumber. they seldom tell you no

 me:  but seeing as how i am like samantha from sex in the city and can swallow a lot of things with no lube

LOLOL

 Sunshine:  goodbye

 me:  i despise cucumbers

and really

 Sunshine:  i don't think someone who works with children should be having this conversation

 me:  you saying by to me ?\

 Sunshine:  well trick you aint eating it

 me:  exactly ms CEO

 Sunshine:  that's frowned upon too

 me:  isnt that what people supposed to do?

eat the booty like groceries

 Sunshine:  eat the dick?

 me:  HAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAAHAHAH

OMG

i am leaving this coversation

 Sunshine:  lmao

you said it

well you made me say it

anyway

 me:  smh smh

 Sunshine:  well as long as you not shaking your ass

 me:  not today

Horoscope: Gemini: March 21st, 2017

There is optimism, there is faith, and there is a tendency to take chances at the deepest emotional levels. This is a time of exploring your feelings, a kind of restlessness for new emotional experience.A feeling that anything is possible if you set your sights high enough characterizes mood today.

There is so much to be said about this statement of truths here.

I am feeling that everything and anything inclusive of nothing is possible today.

And I have been trying to make this happen longer than not.

I am feeling beyond restless- because I rest less than normal

and I am trying not to take a crazy chance based on fear

or jump out of the fire and into the depths of hell.

Sigh

that's all..

coffee thought...

A few things.

First I do not owe you shit.

Let's get that clear.

It takes two people to be in this friendship 

and when one person consistently feels they are 

'doing all the work' 

and wakes the hell up and

 CHOOSES 

not to anymore - 

please do not get your damn ass panties in a bunch 

because this is the way it is.

 It's called life and free will and choice

Rant over. So where did that come from?

I had the pleasant opportunity to have a text message conversation with someone whom I called a friend - hell even sister at one point this past weekend and she got upset that our friendship isn't the same and attributes that to Me choosing others over her. I simply explained that as I evaluated the past 2-3 immediate years of this friendship I recognized where the reciprocity was present. 
Simply put- how has she shown up in my life. 
Has she attended any of my functions- like a housewarming or anything?
No. 
Has she made time to celebrate my birthday at any time (let alone the surprise birthday party that was thrown for me)- nope. And let's be clear- I get that maybe a set time/ date may conflict with many of other life plans out there- it happens - but my birthday happened with not so much as a " hey let's get together this random day to acknowledge you". 
Nope. That would never cross their mind. Yet I made it a point to be there for many of her birthdays in different states nonetheless. I traveled across 5 states when the third child was born. I was there for the beginning, middle and witnessed the demise of the 1st marriage and the beginnings and thru the current marriage. 
Yet because she chooses to view the few pics of IG of my life and create her own story (fascinating I tell you) about whom I choose to spend my time with and call out specific people- it seems to me that because maybe you are lacking somewhere (in your life perhaps? In my life- yup because you are not In my pictures perhaps? ) that there is this ...: angst? Jealousy? Over concern about the wrong things- like how about you think about why I pulled away and your contributions to that.

Let's be perfectly clear- because I had to ask you for money that was owed you said I made a federal case- uh no. I asked a year later for money that was owed- hardly a federal case. I traveled up and down the east coast and across several state lines for many a kids birth/ birthday party/ your mothers party and because I am not part of your mommy club or second wives club or whatever and I am an afterthought? Well I'm saving you the time it takes to after- think about me and removing myself from the equation.

Choices

I choose to spend time with friends that listen to me check up on me and show up for me. I gladly and willingly do the same for them no questions asked. I have and used to do that for her. I got wise and checked the interactions and see the feeling was not mutual and I fell back. 
It's life- not rocket science.

Eh. Some people are in your life for a reason, a season, a lifetime, but most of all a lesson. I have learned many a lesson- specifically do not expect people to care as much as I do because not everyone will- and hell not everyone was raised like me. 
Thank you for that. 
As I mentioned... I wish no harm or illness on her and her family- just my time will be spent elsewhere.
Deuces.

because I struggle (still)

waiting

I have been struggling with the issues surrounding the writing of this post for some time now-- mainly because if I put it into words then I have to deal with it being reality-- if I put it to print then it can never be taken back- even after you control+alt+delete it away-- the words make it real and since the words have been in my subconscious and conscious for about 5 months now I figure no peace of my mind will come until I release this piece of my mind.

Finally, a boob shot for the fans!

apparently they found something

So because I have hit a certain # in age, one must maintain the fine specimen of a being that I am (#goddess). And part of that maintaining is getting everything checked out and OK'd for the coming years. SOOOO I go in to get the girls checked out cause they there and they need some care and after the most uncomfortable experience ever- EVER- where a kind Jamaican nurse or technician is mashing the boobs on this panel so they can get a great pic of them for prosperity. And they find something that needs to be further investigated. A lump. A thing. An abnormality that should not be there. And they tell me not to panic- which is not my normal modus operandus but the minute they say do not do something I up and do that something. And I immediately think about all the things this means and why and knowing that that "C" word runs in my family and specifically my Aunt had a mastectomy makes me think

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
No really
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

as if I do not have enough shit to deal with... now this? And there are a wealth of emotions (fear/ anger/ frustration/ indignation/ stubbornness/ complacency/ avocation) along with countless tears and migraines and drinks (cause alcohol, why not?) and more sleepless nights come flooding in each and every day henceforth. Sometimes for a quick second while I am on the #6 train (yes sometimes I be the crazy black woman with tears running down my face silently on the MTA)... I pause. There are many many things I cannot change in the world, many many things I cannot help to notice that are here and we all have to deal with many many things in any which way possible. This here (whatever it is) is just another of the things I gots to deal with. I am positive that this will all work out- because FAITH- but can I be on record in saying that:

1. someone has a lot of explaining to do 
2. I happen to love my boobs
3. what the fuck 
4. why me

And I have not spoken about this to many people- just 2. Because I have my secrets (every good girl does!) and I just do not want to give power to this narrative. Not today... not ever... It just is what it is- you know?

that's all...

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

On the way into work in this lovely fall weather. 

I am thinking about the change of season 

and 

the change of tides 

and 

just change in general- 

not unlike the loose change in my pockets- 

it may make a difference to some 

but as a whole 

a lotta change overall makes big bucks.

Sounds crazed? 

Maybe.

Such is the world we live in...

Isolation...

Hmm... food for thought..

"In western culture 

isolation 

is considered one of the most 

stringent of punishments."

From when you are a child and are sick- you are kept inside and not allowed to interact with other kids. I mean when someone has the flu or chicken pox you are kept away from them [presumably so they can heal-- but also so they do not spread]. Think about it-- when someone does wrong or commits a crime they are removed from society (at large) and sent to prison. When they do more wrong, they are then sent into solitary confinement- further isolating them from interaction around them as further punishment.

Now a days there is great talk and strain made about 'putting kids in time out' in some random place somewhere rather than laying of the hands on them (I am not gonna say which method I had or prefer but i mean sometimes time out ain't gonna cut it). I remember when we were kids, going to sit in the corner because I did something wrong or bad...

so it is very disconcerting that when one lives in isolation they tend to be viewed as being punished-- punished by the fact she is not wived up or booed up or with child... or society views the single woman as being punished  because she does not have a man to rescue her in this world.

funny thing, some people cannot wait to grow up- i mean when we are kids we cannot wait until we can do what we want- no rules no one to answer to. We (who had to listen to rules and do chores and live within some kind of parental establishment ) could not just wait to be 'grown'---> mind you there is no handbook for being grown other than I can have cake when i want to seemed to be the goal.
Now me, as the only girl in my immediate family, i cherished solitude. I loved solitude, i live in solitude- being sent to the corner was being sent to a happy place [my imagination is still a vividly and wild place to be] and most times as a kid i preferred the company of myself and played by myself because that is just who I was... who I am.

So this solitude that I have lived in prepared me to live... to love... to love to live.  It is strangely cathartic that I am OK with this because I am told that it is NOT OK to be OK with ...this.... and not that I am not in want of other things in my life (you all know cause i have written about it ad nauseam) but currently if it is not the will of the Lord in this good 2016-2017 and beyond then it is just
that.
OK
it is what this adulting thing is all about...
and also monitoring your cake intake. 
and drinking water. 
and using coconut oil
and staying in prayer.
and do'ing. 

Horoscope: Gemini: September 13th, 2016

You may be wearing your heart on your sleeve and everyone is out to abuse your resources-both mental and material. Don't be an easy target today when friends attempt take advantage of your good nature and push it beyond what can reasonably be expected of you. Sometimes you simply have to say no.

Remember, No is a complete sentence- Anon

Try

At this point in my life, 

and at this particular evening 

how about someone 

"try a little tenderness"

with me 

as in 

just try

really try

really just attempt

any tenderness 

with me

because 

i am afraid

that this
old heart of mine 

is failing 

at the lack of

love

and tenderness

in life.

that's all...

coffee thought ...6/16/16 8:08am

Monday's thinking

Who the fuck do you think I am?

(Listening to Beyoncé)

Something about this song is resonating with me

 (the funky beat)

 the drums, 

the lyrics:

The repetitive let it be let it be

And the when you hurt me

You hurt yourself you hurt yourself

But when you love me

You love yourself you love yourself

such a great song... 

Dream last night

Dreamt that there was this muscle bound chocolate dude 

that was showing his tattoos to me 

(and TRS) 

and I was laying on my right side in a bathing suit (cornbread fed) 

and hair was crazy curly/ hands folded like prayer under my cheek.

 He was showing many things on himself and then putting on oil. 

Yummy.

 I was like OK, then closed my eyes to go to sleep. 

TRS was on her computer. 

We were all 3 in a room (looked like room from childhood bedroom). 

He takes some lotion and semi paints in on my leg tat (thigh) 

and then rubs it in

 sensuously and massages

 the lotion and my thigh talking about

 we have to protect your art and it's fascinating. 

He is rubbing with his right hand

 as his left is between my legs but holding/ propping up the left leg.

What is interesting is that I am surprised

 he is rubbing my leg but thrilled (😱)

 and he is looking at me mischievously sliding his hand up.

 I look over at TRS 

ho is busy on her computer 

and I lean up to put my fingers under his chin

. He kisses me oh so softy and I am melting.

 He then puts my leg near/ on his shoulder and is massaging the leg with both hands

 (deep tissue) 

and I am trying to position myself closer to his waist.

 Why? Hmmmm

My other leg I am resting on is already curled behind him 

so he is intimately involved in my area down there... 

I mean it is a dream, right? 

He moves his right hand to pull slide me closer to him

 by my right waist and turns my head toward him.

TRS is no longer there (yay!) 

and he has 1/2 his clothes still 

and is just Adonis like. 

Smooth and close hair cut. 

Beautiful smile and mine.

And ready. And so am I... 

That is what I remember.

(Patience/ Risk/ Why/ Handsome)

Patience / Risk/ Why/  handsome 

There are some things worth waiting for 

And they also say

Some things worth risking it all for

And 

There are some questions that are never answered 

By you 

So

...something that I have never had much of 

Is Patience 

they say patience is a virtue

And because there are other virtues that are move valued- 

Such as drive / ambition/ success/ accomplishments

Patience is one I  have never had a use for...

It is something that just didn't suit me 

at times

But now, 

I am lost 

Trying to figure out how to feel

Trying to patiently wait

Trying to understand how you feel

Wait

Do you feel?

This?

After all I am preparing to risk 

Why am I so...

Crazy

Unhinged 

Mad

Raving

About the thoughts that I thought of you 

And the thoughts that I thought that you thought

And the thoughts that you thought 

Are keeping me up

Lessening the sleep that I already don't get

To mere minutes spent wondering 

Thinking 

Contemplating 

Conspiring

Listening... 

To these thoughts 

In my minds eye 

the most perfect way 

this could be 

would end these doubts and misery- sometimes my mind goes

 to this perfect place 

where 

we 

choose

Us

and are handsomely rewarded 

With love like air

easy and freeing

palpable 

tangible

Real

Here 

But 

since this is reality 

and my patience 

is wearing thin 

to nonexistent 

and my heart 

is asking why 

and my body 

is shouting 

take the risk 

and my mind 

is saying, 

slow down handsome... 

Time will tell

Time does tell 

on you

And 

This time has come 

To set my heart free

I choose

And this is how it has to be

Mainly for my sanity

Waiting Patiently for my freedoms 

For my breath to come back

Again

For my nights to be mine again

For my heart

To beat

Again

Patiently...

Waiting...

For...

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

I'm in dire need of some wonderfully good coffee. I need the warmth and comfort it continually gives me. I have come to expect that once I have my coffee my day gets exponentially better. It is fact.

So,

As I commute to work this fine day

After surviving another work out of my body

and another sleepless night of mind fuckery

Just get me to thee coffee and no one will get hurt.
that's all...

many many more words that make much sense

Family

Family...Is the cause of joy and equal amounts of heartache and pain and my family in particular is one hell of a peoples.

For the past 2 weeks I have been dealing with my siblings in the hospital- one with congestive heart failure and one with the mental issues that have plagued him and I am trying trying trying to just breathe
I am trying (and feeling like I am failing) at being the good sister to them both because what does that even look like? I mean I am sympathetic and empathetic and am worrying about the well being of both of them and I am trying to coordinate care and information sharing between the two and don't even get me started on the 'fiancée ' or whatever that is because welcome- you want the title well here is the responsibility and all that comes along with that partnership. I mean some days I feel for her and wonder what she got herself into and other days I am like 6 years in hey step it up, right?
And the other one that wants what he wants (ex/ his apartment) and the detrimental issues that come along with that.
What is this sister to do?
I pray and call and visit (although truthful I have not been to the mental hospital because I may want to stay myself ) thru all I am going thru with work and friends and feelings and

EMOTIONS AND ALONENESS.

Yes. In all caps. Bold. 28 font. All that.

I selfishly want someone here for me to comfort me and support me thru these trials- hell I have been the major support for the majority of the folks in my life yet when it comes to me- here I am. I don't know how much longer I can do this - superwoman and strong blackwoman facade because talk about impostor syndrome.
And all I want to do is cry but physically I'm not able to do that because I can't
And I can't
And I can't have these thoughts of not getting up and just staying where I am and not doing
Cause I am not allowed to be the one that needs help and I am not the one who is allowed to ask for anything for me from anyone I am the one who has to figure it out- for myself and for everyone else around me and I am the one who has to be responsible and be... Together
But separate
Funny.
Family... The family that could or would be there to support or whatever thru this is no where to be found- at the first sign of disruption to the wonderful image presented dropped like flies. Which I mean is great since you get a sense of where people stand with you, right?
So, you also get a clear picture that the sacrifices and things you did for others is NOT anything that can be reciprocated for me.
Remember that
And you know at the time I was sacrificing my time and presence and things for folks I was not doing that for anyone or any thoughts or anything it was just something that needed to be done and I did it. Others was out and about living their life and I was there. I was present.
I
I was a damned fool.
But hey, one life to live and lesson learned.
Too bad tho
I would have enjoyed my life too ya know
But I digress
And here I stand- balancing precariously the health and decisions (the sisterly ones) I can make for one brother while doing the same for the other.
And I want my mother and father here- selfishly for me
Selfishness is a great trait of mine.
Because I tend to want what I want when I want it (of course working for it) and yet, always keeping in mind the fairness of it all
But selfishly wanting them to say

Hey, you doing alright baby

You are good (enough)

You are worthy of love even...

You are beautiful

And you are ... Ok

But
Those are words I will never hear from their lips again
And my solace (like a broken record) is the fact that she is no longer in pain
And my strength is (was) the things I thought I could do
But realizing
I am not special
And I am not capable
And I am just faking the funk
Just waking up
Here
Not even present
Just here
Again

coffee thought...

Too much on my mind
When I wake up I am in disbelief that I am here.
Alive
Having to struggle to do this all again
Having to fight thru the day to get to the other side of pain and move forward. Recognizing that I have limitations.
I have severe doubts of what is possible and I am utterly human with emotions that are unchecked and recklessly running rampant thru my heart. Causing havoc and pain and hurt and wow
But I'm here
I wish I could lie to myself and others and be like
I'm fine
All is well
But it's not
And I am not
But I don't matter
Not in that way to anyone anyway
And so I go on
Another day
Breathing
that's all...

And at some point

I am loosing it

And by it I mean any semblance of 'good' that I thought I was
Am
Are
Like for example,
here i am in this world living and working and going about my daily life.
I pray. Do good. Exercise more often than not. I consider myself kind, caring, etc (just so we are clear that does not mean if you are not these things as well you aren't as good and don't deserve) but basically all that stuff has lead me to this place of unsatisfactory being.
And in case you think I am magically praying for and waiting for a companion to 'save' me, complete me or whatever me you are beyond utterly mistaken about me and should cease immediately reading this blog.
No, here is what it is-
At some point there has to be an it's your turn- you get to go, you get to try this out (relationship/ male companionship/ possibly cohabitation/ lest we go into the realm of physical touch)
And at some point there has got to be an enough is enough of this singled life that you are living and working at.
And at some point you think wow, you could possibly be loved cause you certainly do love
and at some point you are entirely mistaken with that whole thing- but because you have some semblance of faith you preserver really well and even live and happen to enjoy most of the life you are building...
And at some point you look around at your family and friends and peers and thank god for them and think at some point you can too have something/ someone to share them with.
And at some point you don't know what point you get real good at not expecting it for you- whatever it is- cause that point you can't recognize at all.
And at some point you think about the things you are not- specifically someones choice. Someones reciprocal love. Someones risk. Someones heart.
And at some point you believe the things that society is saying about women like you- unattached, unwanted, undesirable and hell maybe even undeserved.
And at some point you kind of hope for the end to be nearer than the beginning cause this story can not fathom a happy ending.
At some point you stop feeling
And at some point you ask God to remove those desires from your wants because if it is not meant for you (children/ companionship, etc) then remove those wants from your heart and soul and you can refocus on other things that matter to other folks and leave those matters of the heart for those that need use of their heart.
at some point....

Coffee thought two

Coffee thought two...

There are some times that I think I was not meant to be
Here
Cause some of the realities of these everyday situations just baffle me.