Eye see you

This is me- today October 1, 2020. 

Just trying to live this LIFE thru this quarantine and be cute!

Quarantine Day #8- COVID_19

March 23rd, 2020
Monday

Major updates:  This world is under the massive throes of COVID_19 which is: 

COVID-19, 'CO' stands for 'corona,' 'VI' for 'virus,' and 'D' for disease. Formerly, this disease was referred to as “2019 novel coronavirus” or “2019-nCoV”. There are many types of human coronaviruses including some that commonly cause mild upper-respiratory tract illnesses. The most common symptoms are fever, cough, shortness of breath, and breathing difficulties. In more severe cases infection can cause pneumonia, severe acute respiratory syndrome, and even death. The period within which the symptoms would appear is 2-14 days.

So basically this has been wrecking havoc on the work from ~December 2019 first recognized in China and fastly infected the world. The US has been taking some precautions all over from grounding flights, mandatory testing of some groups, and closing off borders.

Basically my institution had to react fast from December when we had to move students from our various study away sights to safer locations, but as they moved so did the virus to Italy, Florence, and then came to the mainland US. First known case was Westchester in the Jewish Community on the east coast (it came to Washington State in a Senior home and took a lot of vulnerable folks out). Anywho, when things were looking like there was mandatory social distancing / about to be a quarantine in place and massive disruptions to regular life as one knows it shit started getting real. Like in the really everyone was panic buying toilet paper (like really toilet paper-- one of the symptoms is not excessive shitting but oh well) and then runs on food and all cleaning supplies and purell is hot on the black market.
So being the person I am, considering I get paid monthly, I tend to buy in bulk as needed cause that is how my paycheck allows. So I am swayZ on Toilet Paper!!! Come holla at your girl!
No, in all seriousness, I did have to check the bro as he prepared with 2 hero sandwiches and a soda (like this was some Weekend at Bernies or something!)

ANYWHO, my job allowed us to work from home starting  March 10 I was going in intermittently (as I am not a regular fan of Friday work OR MTA travel). The proverbial shit hit the fan on 3/11 and shut services down including my Game of Life...after NYU edition that I worked so hard on. Like prepared and was going to be a flagship event at my institution.
Like had 150 registered students.
Had a new way of providing information and great prizes.  Had food ordered.
Had 40+ volunteers.
Had good snacks!
Had laminated some posters! Like used a lamination machine and everything.
Eh, I guess will be prepared for next year.
But yeah, as of that 3/11 date, have not been allowed back in the offices. Luckily, I have a work computer that I can remote in from home and our IT people are excellent. So this is the dream, right?

Working from home is my ultimate dream (so to speak). In the sense of being of great use and functional and efficient without getting on the MTA and the NYC elements is #winning.
Yes, there are certain aspects of my day-to-day when educating folkx needs some face-to-face time however, keeping up with the times allowed me to already have video coaching and phone coaching available (again #winning). ALL THIS AND NO BRA= JACKPOT!!!
I mean, that all sounds good, but I do like a structure now and again, I do like some parts of the outside world,  and my bras are cute so I like to wear them too. Working from home is definitely something I can rock with, but there are a few things I have learned about myself:

1. I need a new office chair as the cushion on my ass + the cushion on the seat are in constant battle and my flat ass ain't winning. Plus this office chair is 18 years old and for someone who was not this current wright. 
2. Speaking of weight, I am NOT trying to come out of this quarantine situation ANY pounds heavier (they closed the gyms) so I need to social distance from the fridge and every other quarantine snack that I bought. 
3. My office space (desk) is not as functional as I would like- and truthfully this is why I need a dedicated office to begin with. 
4. The real problems this is showing me is the inequalities of the world are exacerbated with the haves and the have nots and the essential workers (nurses, doctors, cashiers and some folks that don;t even get minimum wage). 
5. The way higher education + lower education is treating teachers and moving to virtual learning/ online learning shows who has viable access to internet, computers, and are competent with this learning style. Never mind the food insecurities and housing securities that are heightened this time.
6. Thinking about the abusers who have more access to their victims as folks are told to shelter in place. 

All of this is a lot. 

And my anxiety is acting up

And my asthma and Allergies (all A things) are making me think "OH God, is this The Rona???" every time I sneeze.

Just a lil update on life over here in the big city.

that's all...

Today

Today
I was getting frustrated about things I kept speaking on and seeking to change and it turns out I have no control over certain parts so I just had to stop giving that narrative power and speak on the other parts of life that bring me joy.
This coupling business is not in my lexicon and acceptance of what it is is becoming key to sanity.
I have been consumed for the better part of 30 years trying to be good enough for someone to love me in the relationship way. It has not happened. It is something that - because of my non couples status - has trivialized any of my other accomplishments and successes.
Thoughts like "if only I had a man to celebrate me getting my masters with'
Or if only I had a man we could vacation in Paris and kiss someone on the pink sand beaches of Bermuda
Or if only I had a man to help me carry these groceries, help me flip this mattress or comfort me in this moment.
There is also the "damn this cookery that I did is banging -if only I had a man/ partner to share this with' and YO walking this street is a bit precarious if only I could call my dude and he can meet me or just be on the phone as I navigate this world"
I pictured me sharing my life and love and trials and triumphs with a handsome loving dude and him sharing his world and all that with me too.
Life and more specifically GOD has other plans.
I know my life ain't over
But again certain things I wanted and thought I would have are out of the picture seriously.
This is a depressing thought.
Things like what?
I'm 43- not had any children. Not have had any acts that would lead to children but that's another conversation
All my peoples around me that are wanting kids have had 1,2,3 of them. I will not get to parent one.
Folks have continued to ask me why don't I adopt or do invitro fertilization and my answer is steady- I have no support to raise a child alone. It does take a village and mine is woefully lacking. It is no shade or disrespect on the people I choose to be in my life- but I can list the parents and the supports they have starting with and including their parents that are still alive.
Again- not my situation.
Just not my life...

Sent from my iPhone

Toni Morrison

Toni Morrison



Sadly we lost an icon of an amazing writer and a Black woman who wrote of the experience of Black people- spoke for Black Woman and just eloquently opened my mind up to the ways I can be allowed to express myself.
The fact that I feel allowed to express myself in the manner I do- sometimes fully, Sometimes not at all, sometimes too much sometimes not enough - the fact I can write all those things is a testimony to her paving the way and being.
I am eternally grateful for all the Black women writers who kicked down doors and showed us the way to go.
Thank you

Friday Feelings

🤖

Friday tends to get a better rap than it deserves.
I mean just because it is at the end of the work week and generally has 2 days of either rest and relaxation or debauchery following (depending on your mood) is probably why.
Truthfully one of them days should be dedicated to the LORD but hey, he knows your heart, no?
Anywho- I enjoy each day individually and as a collective particularly when surrounded by vacation and blue water.
I enjoy any day above ground so there's that.
But today, spoke to brother 1 and he is depressed.
Life is definitely trying him.
I mean life is trying us all- but when mental illness is mixed into the realities of life it is something that can be trying moreso than for regular folks.
He is about to move to a closer place (shelter/ rooming housing assignment) in the Bronx rather than at the bottom of the Jackie Robinson in Brooklyn.
I'm pleased as this will mean he is a bit closer than the long travel and potentially we can visit more.
I don't know what this will do to his stability struggle but there is that.
Small steps towards good news is a thing. So I'm pleased.
He on the other hand is meh.
I mean looking at it from his perspective I am not sure what he is actually looking for but yeah he is not all together excited but not upset.
A muted happiness? That could be a good book title
Anywho
Life is just going along doing its thing.
I'm trying to do my part in the participatory parts of it
We shall see how they all collide.
To be continued...

that's all...

Getting some

Getting some

Thoughts out there in the universe

First of all today is July 13th 2019

Saturday

Not sure that means anything to anybody in this world but that's the current date.

I'm sitting on an airplane headed to Chicago for a quick layover and then flight to Bloomington Indiana. Never been to Chicago or Indiana, so this will get checked off my bucket list for sure.

I am eternally grateful for the flights and the ability to travel for work- headed to a conference on financial wellness. Hopefully I learn new and exciting things that I can implement to my current program. Speaking of the current program

We (NYU Financial Education) are prominently listed at #15 on this list that came out of the top 50 financial literacy programs. Now, #15 may be like eh to some but realistically it is like oh shit for me.

1- I started this program a year ago

2- It is a one woman shop * I do have 2 Graduate interns that are amazing. I had to hire and train them up in financial aid, then get them comfortable with financial literacy terms and processes, and then get them certified as well as train them on how to counsel students, make presentations and put on workshops ALL WHILE MEETING WITH AND COUNSELING STUDENTS MYSELF AND SETTING PILLARS AND PARAMETERS FOR THIS PROGRAM AND CREATING VISION.

3- we serve a vast number of students and alumni and families with excellent service

4- I want to grow this to something even greater

5- I need an assistant

6- I am currently studying for my certification via a nationally recognized organization.

7- partnering with financial aid and other campus partners and growing relationships

So yeah- I am fully embracing this role and making strides. I am feeling damn near fulfilled but also in want of more and it is an interesting place to be. Career wise, I am growing and utilizing my talents.

On the EdD front, I did apply to NYU and was rejected. Definitely an ego blow as I think I am good enough and thought I was doing good enough work to be admitted and make a difference. I have good folks around me telling me and encouraging me to re-apply. To find out specifically why I was not admitted and to not give up. I am thinking on it. Seriously.

On the life, love, living front- relationship is still non existent and it is still something that is utterly frustrating to me. Like WTF man (man being man and also in this case being GOD). Again I ask am I not good enough, not worthy? As the common denominator in this equation it makes me wonder. Like am I truly a zero? Remembering the math skills that I do know, anything multiplied by 0=0. Am I that zero?

Random.

that's all...

Coffee thoughts

Coffee thoughts

I thought I didn't have anything to say but that's a lie
You see, here we'd are say 2 of July in the year of 2019 and I am like what the perpetual fuck??? Is it so hard to find a decent man out here in these streets? For the life of me and about to be the death of me I am like sir, Sirs- can we talk?
For instance, I have dabbled here and there on this dating app as to put myself out there. As out there as I'm Going to be since I Am Done with the loud young clubs, blind dating, set ups, unrequited loves lost, married men, unsure of their sexual preference boys and the likes of the sort.
The truth is I'm just a simple woman. Who wants love. Period. I'm not asking for anything more than I care to give but then again what am
I willing to give? That's thought for another day
Anywho
I'm on this dating app trying to meet sane men. Apparently, this is the akin to the quest for the lost city of Atlantis or big foot (hey- maybe all the good men are in Atlantis? )
The randomness of the responses to my profile range from you too beautiful to not have a man hidden somewhere (thanks?) to I find you look just like my sister and that turns me on truly (no thank you).
And I am trying to figure out if this is what is left out there in the world.
Are these the 'lines' that are doing it for the ladies out there?
Are these the actual lines and intentions of Men that are attracting the coupling?
Lawd-- if those are the words that are supposed to be doing it [whatever it it] then I am not the one for it.
Keep me out of it
Keep it away from me
Like, No  for real.
Men out here cannot be saying this reckless shit and expecting seriousness of the responses, like really?

I'm at a loss.
And I lost at this Game of Love thing...




Sent from my iPhone

Reflections...

•Long Post•

Hanging out with the family & friends at the beach, enjoying my last day and the everything that is happening around me, loving the sun & saltwater on my skin- just being present. 

I took a walk because I found myself suddenly getting emotional thinking about LIFE...how precious IT is & how easily things can change • I started crying missing my Dad, wishing he could have been around to show me his island home; he could have shown me which rocks he used to climb/ jump off of, could have reminisced about his 9 siblings, Granny, and the days of his youth • I cried missing my Mom, thinking about how she met my father in Bermuda • I cried thinking about the brother • I cried thinking about my cousin who just passed • It was just a lot.
It is a lot.
Maybe I just needed to cry- for all the things that ain’t right right now and I guess for all the things that are. I’m alive right now and it was a different situation just 1 week ago. I know I’m extremely blessed & forever grateful. • I eventually got myself together, prayed, fixed my face and proceeded to continue living this gift of life. And getting in the water. And laughing at things including myself. And enjoying all of IT. .

Horoscope: Gemini: July 31st, 2018

Release from restrictive circumstances and pressures is the key issue of this time period. 

Obligations and responsibilities are not so demanding now, 

and you are able to enjoy a greater level of freedom in your daily life.

Saw this

Saw this today as I was 

thinking

about my mommy 

and all the things i wished i can say

tell her

just receive love from her

and

i realize

physically

she is not here

 but always 

in my heart. 

It's these little messages that i get from the universe

that keeps me going. 

that's all...

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown - Sally's Rant (YOU BLOCKHEAD!)

I have got to say as I sit here and watch the annual viewing of 

The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown... 

it dawns on me about all the wonderful gems in it. 

it is lifes' true lesson!!!

check it- Sally here is infatuated with Linus- a co-dependent blanket loving boy. 

He has a great heart, and is waiting in the 'most sincere' pumpkin patch. 

Now- where this notion of the Great Pumpkin came from- dunno, but he believes this pumpkin dude is supposed to bring toys and whatnot to the children's. 

Anywho, his sis Lucy thinks he is crazy- 

for sticking to his beliefs of this pumpkin patch...

and she tells him in a sisterly way. 

Charlie Brown, 

as good as a friend would do, 

tells him too, but lets him go about his business- cause men. 

SO basically it is Sally- 

the love-struck lil sister of Charlie Brown 

who volunteers to forgo trick-or-treating 

[henceforth acquiring her own sweets & treats] 

to 'stand by and support her man' in his dream. 

Suffice it to say, when no great pumpkin shows up- 

she is highly upset, and unleashes a rant on him 

which includes a demand for reparations

I HOLLERED!

why, at this age is this such a true life/love/relationship advice?

well a few things

1- there was no proof of the pumpkin- only his belief & his words. Now, facts have proven that for several years there is no pumpkin- but she foolishly believes him.

2- baby girl while she wanted to be there with the dude, but she also wanted her own. So she forgoes her needs and sacrifices for him. 

3- when it turns out that ain't nothing happen- as in there is no great pumpkin, she wasted her time, she could have been enjoying herself with what she wanted to do

Life lesson- don't follow a man for your happiness- you have to get that yourself. 

Let's not even go about the life lesson Lucy taught Charlie Brown about contracts and notaries! 

Again, I hollered!

that's all...

Some days

Some days

It is harder than others

to accept the reality

that

This is actually happening.

This is actually real.

And as heartbreaking this is-

the amount of faith I have in your journey you have no idea.

I pray daily and nightly for your recovery.

I pray for the other brothers safety and peace of mind.

I pray for the children in the world and the state of the world.

And I pray for me-

for my sanity.

For a piece of peace.

For comfort.

For reasons why

For the way

I just continue to pray

And believe there is a reason for this.

This trial

This struggle

This outcome

What is the reason- why is this happening ? What more can I do?

Just why

visiting hours

Since I am on vacation, I decided to go visit my father's grave in the cemetery. I know i am the only one that come out here when i do because 1- the brothers do not have a car 2- it is not a priority to take public transportation for them ever so 3- if i do not drive them they do not come here. 

Anywho- life goes on and I do what I do. 

This headstone of my father which took 23 years to purchase after a few attempts and disagreements with the family is a sight. It is emotional for me to look at his name etched in stone, conspicuous hyphen in between birth and death date. 

It is heavy. 

Beautiful

but heavy.

The next tombstone visited is where Grandma lay.

Anderson. 

May she rest eternally there. 

It is too soon for the inscription to happen. 

But she is there. 

5 things 2.20.17

5 things

1. Own your own happiness
2. Challenge your own story
3. Enjoy the journey not the destination
4. Make relationships count
5. Balance work and play

Horoscope: Gemini: January 22nd, 2017

It's a great day to enjoy the quiet comforts of home and family in a preferably soft and harmonious setting. It's a great time to reflect over the achievements and challenges you've recently faced and strongly focus on how you'll make further advances in the future.

Hmmm somethings to think about...

Here's a Bible passage I'd like to share with you...

"Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time:"

‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭5:6‬ ‭KJV‬‬

Gemini horoscope for Jan 16 2017 (coffee thought...)

coffee thought...

Sometimes when you look really hard for something, you don't find it even if it's in plain sight. That's because - at that moment when we're in a panicked search - that thing we're searching for seems so elusive and so important that we think it will be impossible to find, or it will be in some unreachable place. You are looking for something now, Gemini. You are looking hard. Perhaps you've been looking for quite some time. But it is out there. You just need to relax - and instead of searching - beckon it to come to you.

look

just relax

look

just breathe

look

just be

coffee thought...

Coffee thought...

Left work at 10:30 this evening.
There is always work to be done and more to do. Fun time in the OFA world when you are switching teams and all of the responsibilities that goes with it. Or that you asked for it. And it was sold to you in a crack pipe of accolades and praise.
Eh.
Maybe tomorrow.
that's all...

Oh side note:
Watched President Obama give his farewell speech today. This signifies an end of an era and truly a historic time in this Nation that had promise and growth and challenge and successes. Now... here are the real obstacles with the current elected person to our office. It is not at all anything funny and pretty messed up to see what human beings voted to run what was/ is the 'greatest nation' around. Right now- we are beyond the laughing stock of this world and something that is truly not funny.
We shall see how HOW we all survive this next 4 years- like I was telling a fellow #nobehaviorcrew member that is is like High school or college where you may hate hate hate it but you got 4 years here and have to stick it out. That is what we gonna have to do. Hardcore. Everyday. Strive for better. Never make the same mistake. Change the system. Break the broken system. Fight for social justice and make our voices heard. Yes, by any means necessary. By all means necessary.
As Mr. President Barack Obama said
Yes we can
Yes we did

Ok that's all...

coffee thought ...

coffee thought ...

☕️

Today is the day. Pretty much I have an appointment at 11:30 to figure out some things about 'the girls' and while I am trying to be brave I am also a bit scared. It is something to get to this point in life and then to have this scare. Which is what it is a scare. I am not claiming I have anything just scared of something.

that's all..

sometimes....

Sometimes 

you need the wisdom 

of someone elses mother 

to tell you the things 

that you kinda already know 

but needed to hear out loud anyway. 

Thanks Mom.. 

I still hear you. 

that's all..