Welcome back... i think...

Consider the last time I posted on this Blog... 

• we were in the midst of COVID_19 and all of the things that went along with it
• there was no vaccine on ready (October 2020)
• we {the world} was working from home a.k.a remote work to the fullest. everyday the commute was to the office a.k.a the end of the bedroom or office and zoomed in. 
• folks were perishing left and right. Like death was everywhere. 

It was a GOD-damned pandemic. Many many things happened during and after that time.   

• Vaccines came about 2021 
• I spend 2 summers in Bermuda working from there (praise be)
• I had a cousin pass due to the illness.
• My brother was in/ out/ in/ out the hospital for many an illness. 

Life was truly hectic. Travel was scarce. We had to be back on campus partially Sept 2021. 

UGH. 

Things to not remember. 

But I survived. 

Amen...

that's all...

Friday Feelings

🤖

Friday tends to get a better rap than it deserves.
I mean just because it is at the end of the work week and generally has 2 days of either rest and relaxation or debauchery following (depending on your mood) is probably why.
Truthfully one of them days should be dedicated to the LORD but hey, he knows your heart, no?
Anywho- I enjoy each day individually and as a collective particularly when surrounded by vacation and blue water.
I enjoy any day above ground so there's that.
But today, spoke to brother 1 and he is depressed.
Life is definitely trying him.
I mean life is trying us all- but when mental illness is mixed into the realities of life it is something that can be trying moreso than for regular folks.
He is about to move to a closer place (shelter/ rooming housing assignment) in the Bronx rather than at the bottom of the Jackie Robinson in Brooklyn.
I'm pleased as this will mean he is a bit closer than the long travel and potentially we can visit more.
I don't know what this will do to his stability struggle but there is that.
Small steps towards good news is a thing. So I'm pleased.
He on the other hand is meh.
I mean looking at it from his perspective I am not sure what he is actually looking for but yeah he is not all together excited but not upset.
A muted happiness? That could be a good book title
Anywho
Life is just going along doing its thing.
I'm trying to do my part in the participatory parts of it
We shall see how they all collide.
To be continued...

that's all...

Conversations... on Men aint shit

Back story:

Reading a q & A from an author we both follow and admire. 
Basically a woman writes in saying she is a fiance of a 7 yr relationship + is currently pregnant and taking care of him as he has cancer. Finds out he has a million dollar insurance policy and she is not listed (as they are not married- his mom and brother are). Add to this he is living in her place and she is stressed financially, emotionally and physically and he asked and she listed him on her insurance policy as she wanted the best for him. She is UPSET and wondering if she has the right (i mean she is baby momma + fiance and he is not looking out for spawns future and because she does not have the title of wife tho is doing wifey things he feels justified and she thinks he should be a decent human being considering she thought they were building a future together.)
SO me & my girls convo is OFF THE CHAIN cause as Aretha says (R.I.P.) Ain't no way...
I mean what say you?

Horoscope: Gemini: July 31st, 2018

Release from restrictive circumstances and pressures is the key issue of this time period. 

Obligations and responsibilities are not so demanding now, 

and you are able to enjoy a greater level of freedom in your daily life.

Picking up the pieces

Today is June 20, 2018. 

A full 7 months later I am returning to writing.

 I stopped. 

Everything Stopped. 

My life as I knew it just stopped.

I guess I should explain...

A lot has happened. 

The day after I wrote that last blog (11/07/17) my younger brother died.

Michael S. Bean
July 26, 1977- November 8, 2017

Mike was in the hospital from June 30 from a having a stroke. The hospital took a few days in determining treatment and he had another massive stroke that took out his left side of his body and communication skills. He continued to fight and try to breathe and learn to communicate again and simple things like learning how to swallow again. His spouse was absolute trash and while I have sympathy and possibly empathy for loosing a spouse, there are some rather fucked up things she said and did thruout the whole damn process. I have text messages from him saying that she is trying to starve him and does not care about him and just things that contributed to this. Note: I cannot blame anyone for anything- his life choices (i.e spouse choices and health choices and etc) are/ were his and I own that. I had a different perception of what a loving partner brings to the table (inclusive of health insurance and common sense and food in the house or general partnership and caring for each other - maybe I'm way off which is why...) so with that being said in the hospital they amputated his left leg and he never recovered from alot of things (falling out the bed- some terrible health care and decision making- altho there were some angels in there and for that I am grateful.)

The call came at 5 am on that Wednesday morning and immediately I went into fixing it mode. What did I have to do to lay my brother to rest, to make sure his legacy and memory is honored and to just let him be at peace. This is the prayer and guiding principles to the actions I take- let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.. song from church. My friends/ family (TD, Sparkles, Sunshine, other brothers, Bermuda family) were phenomenal. I can't begin to say all the ways they supported Bro #1 & I but they did. We had a service for him the following week. His co-workers showed up for him- he touched so many people in life it is astonishing. I hope he knew how much he was loved. I wish he knew how much he is missed and how much of an impact he had and has on people. I still tear up thinking about my little brother (case in point as I type this) but I hope he know just how much he meant to me. He is brilliant. I read the eulogy. I made it thru without tears. And then, we pick up the pieces. 

We cleared his stuff out her apartment per her request in December and from that point on I have had 2 text messages from her. No, she is not getting his ashes- that is a blog for another day--- but all this was stressing and highly debilitating to me- a person who is functioning barely at a productive level. 

And this is topping off the passing of two of the matriarchs of my family:

Marie E. Tuzo Bean Lodge
June 2016

'Granny' as she was know to me all my damn life passed June 2016. She was in the hospital for what seemed like a chest cold, pneumonia or what turned out to be potentially lung cancer. She was vibrant and 'rude' until the end. I flew to Bermuda to see her off which was traumatic as I am in the country of my father's birth representing this extension of the family- alone- but surrounded by so much family. This woman was heroic and iconic in more ways than can be listed and I felt this was my connection to my Dad. The last. Luckily I have amazing cousins and 2 Aunties and an Uncle left (out of 10 children) that keep me in the loop. Her passing was really hard on me and just coping and living without her Bermudian accent and wise words that were imparted randomly truly affected me. Sorely missed always in my heart. 

Eleanor M. Anderson
May, 2017

Grandma Anderson passed May, 2017. Devastating. She fought a long battle with cancer and was not herself towards the end. She was having seizures and while her mind was amazingly sharper than anyone I know, her body just couldn't hold on any more. What gets me is that of course she planned her own funeral (years ago she was telling Eileen & I where important papers were and where things were and wrote her eulogy. Always prepared- I don't know if she was a girl scout). Her passing was disastrous in just so many ways. Yes as with everyone I am thankful she was not suffering but I know we (as in all of the people she touched) were not ready to let go. 

With all this, dealing with Bro#1 and his living situation and how this loss of his brother would affect his overall well being- I felt as if I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. He is currently in a shelter and this is in and of itself heartbreaking and what am I supposed to do? 

the last pic of the three

How can I just... I just don't know. We were 3. ALWAYS.  We legit balanced each other out with just the right amount of ratchet and educatedness. My two bothers literally are the angel/ devil of consciousness that guide me at times. How can a person just let that go? It is more than a loss... it is shattering to the soul. Something that I know is not repaired yet. 

Thru all this, I was navigating how to translate my work with Financial Education into something that was more fulfilling and an actual position and how I can solidify my next career moves. I presented at my jobs student affairs conference in February and then presented on Financial Education in June with my boss. That was something that was eye opening for me in the realm of possibilities for advancement and overall worth. 

So with all the things that happened to me (around me/ with me/ about me/ outside of me) the last 2 years, I feel that after a while I became numb to everything. Going thru the motions and just surviving. Not living altho I gave a great perception of 'living my best life' while trying to 'live my life like its golden' I was just there. 

Here. 

Not feeling anything but sadness. 

I could not write tho I had so many things to say. 

I could not believe because what is there to believe in - how and who do I ask this to?

Can I say Prayer helps. 

Breathing helps. 

And as of now, I am just finding my strength to be 

alive

again

picking up all the pieces 

and painstakingly putting them back into place. 

never to be the same again 

but tying to be beautiful

and whole

again. 

Step one:

GOD.

that's all

today...

After today, that is the truth. 

What I do know is that

God is good

All the time 

and 

All the time 

God is good. 

coffee thought ...

coffee thought ...

☕️

Today is the day. Pretty much I have an appointment at 11:30 to figure out some things about 'the girls' and while I am trying to be brave I am also a bit scared. It is something to get to this point in life and then to have this scare. Which is what it is a scare. I am not claiming I have anything just scared of something.

that's all..

sometimes....

Sometimes 

you need the wisdom 

of someone elses mother 

to tell you the things 

that you kinda already know 

but needed to hear out loud anyway. 

Thanks Mom.. 

I still hear you. 

that's all..

because I struggle (still)

waiting

I have been struggling with the issues surrounding the writing of this post for some time now-- mainly because if I put it into words then I have to deal with it being reality-- if I put it to print then it can never be taken back- even after you control+alt+delete it away-- the words make it real and since the words have been in my subconscious and conscious for about 5 months now I figure no peace of my mind will come until I release this piece of my mind.

Finally, a boob shot for the fans!

apparently they found something

So because I have hit a certain # in age, one must maintain the fine specimen of a being that I am (#goddess). And part of that maintaining is getting everything checked out and OK'd for the coming years. SOOOO I go in to get the girls checked out cause they there and they need some care and after the most uncomfortable experience ever- EVER- where a kind Jamaican nurse or technician is mashing the boobs on this panel so they can get a great pic of them for prosperity. And they find something that needs to be further investigated. A lump. A thing. An abnormality that should not be there. And they tell me not to panic- which is not my normal modus operandus but the minute they say do not do something I up and do that something. And I immediately think about all the things this means and why and knowing that that "C" word runs in my family and specifically my Aunt had a mastectomy makes me think

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
No really
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

as if I do not have enough shit to deal with... now this? And there are a wealth of emotions (fear/ anger/ frustration/ indignation/ stubbornness/ complacency/ avocation) along with countless tears and migraines and drinks (cause alcohol, why not?) and more sleepless nights come flooding in each and every day henceforth. Sometimes for a quick second while I am on the #6 train (yes sometimes I be the crazy black woman with tears running down my face silently on the MTA)... I pause. There are many many things I cannot change in the world, many many things I cannot help to notice that are here and we all have to deal with many many things in any which way possible. This here (whatever it is) is just another of the things I gots to deal with. I am positive that this will all work out- because FAITH- but can I be on record in saying that:

1. someone has a lot of explaining to do 
2. I happen to love my boobs
3. what the fuck 
4. why me

And I have not spoken about this to many people- just 2. Because I have my secrets (every good girl does!) and I just do not want to give power to this narrative. Not today... not ever... It just is what it is- you know?

that's all...

Isolation...

Hmm... food for thought..

"In western culture 

isolation 

is considered one of the most 

stringent of punishments."

From when you are a child and are sick- you are kept inside and not allowed to interact with other kids. I mean when someone has the flu or chicken pox you are kept away from them [presumably so they can heal-- but also so they do not spread]. Think about it-- when someone does wrong or commits a crime they are removed from society (at large) and sent to prison. When they do more wrong, they are then sent into solitary confinement- further isolating them from interaction around them as further punishment.

Now a days there is great talk and strain made about 'putting kids in time out' in some random place somewhere rather than laying of the hands on them (I am not gonna say which method I had or prefer but i mean sometimes time out ain't gonna cut it). I remember when we were kids, going to sit in the corner because I did something wrong or bad...

so it is very disconcerting that when one lives in isolation they tend to be viewed as being punished-- punished by the fact she is not wived up or booed up or with child... or society views the single woman as being punished  because she does not have a man to rescue her in this world.

funny thing, some people cannot wait to grow up- i mean when we are kids we cannot wait until we can do what we want- no rules no one to answer to. We (who had to listen to rules and do chores and live within some kind of parental establishment ) could not just wait to be 'grown'---> mind you there is no handbook for being grown other than I can have cake when i want to seemed to be the goal.
Now me, as the only girl in my immediate family, i cherished solitude. I loved solitude, i live in solitude- being sent to the corner was being sent to a happy place [my imagination is still a vividly and wild place to be] and most times as a kid i preferred the company of myself and played by myself because that is just who I was... who I am.

So this solitude that I have lived in prepared me to live... to love... to love to live.  It is strangely cathartic that I am OK with this because I am told that it is NOT OK to be OK with ...this.... and not that I am not in want of other things in my life (you all know cause i have written about it ad nauseam) but currently if it is not the will of the Lord in this good 2016-2017 and beyond then it is just
that.
OK
it is what this adulting thing is all about...
and also monitoring your cake intake. 
and drinking water. 
and using coconut oil
and staying in prayer.
and do'ing. 

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

Here I am again.
Both brothers in the hospital dealing with amputation and sanity in their forms of illnesses that have been manifesting over the years
and
here I am trying not to be the visiting nurse service because my mentals cannot take this.
My sanity cannot handle this.
I seriously think they coordinate this bi-monthly series of visits and short to long stays in the hospitals and mental institutions respectively out of a lack of anything else to do
or
 just cause it's Tuesday
or
just cause some days they may be bored.
I know that sounds cruel and i am quite possibly writing this out of some anger or upsetness or some not right thinking in my head.
But- as of right now,  I am seriously not this strong black woman that I have been for upwards of three decades now.
It is tiresome-
And I am tired. I am exhausted. I am beat.
I am also just not sure how much more I am supposed to give when I legitimately have nothing left. Maybe if I had a stronger heart or stronger soul or a stronger mind I could do this.
Alone.
 Like I have been.
And in all my aloneness I have dealt with many an issue.
But now, at this time. I can not. I will not. I shall not.
I have to take care of me right this minute because my care of me cannot be entrusted to anyone else- I mean who else is there for me?
And if I do not choose me, then why on earth would...
At any rate, I know my faith in the Lord has carried me and will continue to do so.
That is all I got.
But even the Lord got a day of rest.
Even the Lord wants us to take care of ourselves and all that jazz. 

Cause I am not the one for this foolishness.

And call me selfish.
Call me making this about me.
Call me not being a good sister, friend, granddaughter, whatever.
Call me anything anyone wants to call me.
But don't call me for that shit.
that's all...

Complain Complaining Contemplating Complaints

Complain complaining contemplating Complaints
Some issues...As this is what seems to be my current occupation
As in lodge your complaints with me...
And expect me to what?
Handle it?
Nah, my name ain't Olivia.
But after the conversations with some folks today I need to take a page out her current book and BE SELFISH..
Period
So basically had a conference call with the brothers. There have been myriads of challenges- specifically this week one of them collapsed at the bus stop and had an ambulance called.
The other brothers precarious housing situation just got more unstable as his friend had a surprise visit from their social worker and now he has to be out pronto otherwise they are both on the street.
Great.
So, as I do, once you tell me this I am asking all these damn questions like where are you with your housing applications and where is your social worker and what's your next move. He has no response but rebuttals as in you don't know all I've been doing. Correct. As I have stated multiple times is that I am only capable of giving you information based on the factors you provide me.
Period.
And when the information is not complete and I am seeking answers and questions and you are getting upset then
again
what did you call me for? to complain? to listen? to unload all your baggage on me and expect me to carry this along with the other weights of my life and be happy and silent about it?
Same things for friends who call to verbally vomit their gripes and life issues on me and while I am happy to be a friend
and stand by you
and listen to you
and support you...
ya'll need to know that
I am not the one to
fix it
I am not the one to do the

• thinking
• planning
• rationalizing
• creative budgeting
• innovative wording
• or experimental loving

that may suit your emotional, spiritual, and physical needs
that would leave me in a place of utter dissatisfaction
just stop.
I am not the one
thanks...

Family

Family...Is the cause of joy and equal amounts of heartache and pain and my family in particular is one hell of a peoples.

For the past 2 weeks I have been dealing with my siblings in the hospital- one with congestive heart failure and one with the mental issues that have plagued him and I am trying trying trying to just breathe
I am trying (and feeling like I am failing) at being the good sister to them both because what does that even look like? I mean I am sympathetic and empathetic and am worrying about the well being of both of them and I am trying to coordinate care and information sharing between the two and don't even get me started on the 'fiancée ' or whatever that is because welcome- you want the title well here is the responsibility and all that comes along with that partnership. I mean some days I feel for her and wonder what she got herself into and other days I am like 6 years in hey step it up, right?
And the other one that wants what he wants (ex/ his apartment) and the detrimental issues that come along with that.
What is this sister to do?
I pray and call and visit (although truthful I have not been to the mental hospital because I may want to stay myself ) thru all I am going thru with work and friends and feelings and

EMOTIONS AND ALONENESS.

Yes. In all caps. Bold. 28 font. All that.

I selfishly want someone here for me to comfort me and support me thru these trials- hell I have been the major support for the majority of the folks in my life yet when it comes to me- here I am. I don't know how much longer I can do this - superwoman and strong blackwoman facade because talk about impostor syndrome.
And all I want to do is cry but physically I'm not able to do that because I can't
And I can't
And I can't have these thoughts of not getting up and just staying where I am and not doing
Cause I am not allowed to be the one that needs help and I am not the one who is allowed to ask for anything for me from anyone I am the one who has to figure it out- for myself and for everyone else around me and I am the one who has to be responsible and be... Together
But separate
Funny.
Family... The family that could or would be there to support or whatever thru this is no where to be found- at the first sign of disruption to the wonderful image presented dropped like flies. Which I mean is great since you get a sense of where people stand with you, right?
So, you also get a clear picture that the sacrifices and things you did for others is NOT anything that can be reciprocated for me.
Remember that
And you know at the time I was sacrificing my time and presence and things for folks I was not doing that for anyone or any thoughts or anything it was just something that needed to be done and I did it. Others was out and about living their life and I was there. I was present.
I
I was a damned fool.
But hey, one life to live and lesson learned.
Too bad tho
I would have enjoyed my life too ya know
But I digress
And here I stand- balancing precariously the health and decisions (the sisterly ones) I can make for one brother while doing the same for the other.
And I want my mother and father here- selfishly for me
Selfishness is a great trait of mine.
Because I tend to want what I want when I want it (of course working for it) and yet, always keeping in mind the fairness of it all
But selfishly wanting them to say

Hey, you doing alright baby

You are good (enough)

You are worthy of love even...

You are beautiful

And you are ... Ok

But
Those are words I will never hear from their lips again
And my solace (like a broken record) is the fact that she is no longer in pain
And my strength is (was) the things I thought I could do
But realizing
I am not special
And I am not capable
And I am just faking the funk
Just waking up
Here
Not even present
Just here
Again

coffee thought...

Too much on my mind
When I wake up I am in disbelief that I am here.
Alive
Having to struggle to do this all again
Having to fight thru the day to get to the other side of pain and move forward. Recognizing that I have limitations.
I have severe doubts of what is possible and I am utterly human with emotions that are unchecked and recklessly running rampant thru my heart. Causing havoc and pain and hurt and wow
But I'm here
I wish I could lie to myself and others and be like
I'm fine
All is well
But it's not
And I am not
But I don't matter
Not in that way to anyone anyway
And so I go on
Another day
Breathing
that's all...

coffee thought...

It's been great lately...
 And by great i mean insane as all it can get.
Imagine getting a call that your brother is missing. And that folks have not seen him in 2 days.
And that he has been speaking to himself and having conversations in his head about the validity is the thoughts in his head. And imagine you call his job and there is no one that saw him.
And so you work with the sibling and friends to do the things you need to do- like file a missing persons report.
 You call around to friends.
You are relentlessly annoyed by his ex-girlfriend because whatever I'm doing is not enough (to her).
I drive around to his known places maybe he would be there at all random hours.
 I go to work.
 I try not to (and fail) at thinking about the things that could be happening and the thoughts of how this world treats a six-foot black man, a six-foot 300+ lb black man, let alone a six-foot 300+ lb black man with a mental illness.
 And you call hospitals looking for John Does that could fit the description and pray none fit the description. Finally 4 days later, in recalling the hospitals they check the psych ward of a place and he may be there.
 So I leave work and head over there to meet the other sibling and it is him.
There. Again.
We chat about life and he has to get his medicines regulated (because he has been off for some time) but there is that mess. And the there is his ex who is the reason he is in here to begin with. And his constant choice to be with her- or have her in his life, or love??
But we live in a world of choice and free will. Remember that...
Not more than a week later bro #2 goes to the hospital on a Saturday with chest pains. Let's be clear this one just got thru admonishing the other for lack of taking care of himself. Well turns out homeboy ain't been taking blood pressure medicine and not been taking diabetes medicines and has early congestive heart failure and one of his kidneys is failing because of this- lack of being in good health and care for yourself.
Note this one has a live in lover/ girlfriend/ love of his life for over 6 years and all that and this so where you are? Who are you being? And then gots the unmitigated gall to be upset and the one visit I made to him in the hospital.
Dude, with these choices you made that directly affects the choice I made-
free will, remember.

So I am over hospitals and care and bothers and I am very very clear on why I am alone because there is no partner in this world that would be able to be with me all thru this and support me and not loose their mind and their non-family stuff.And I am very clear on the person that I am who gives and cares for them and honestly will always love and want to have them around and be the brothers/ family we are supposed to be but I cannot be this savior or this healthcare person nurse nancy or anything to anyone. I cannot dare have someone mistakenly love me and have to deal with my family stuff because I know that I have a lot of things going on and I know that me alone is enough of the bat-shit crazy that a multitude of people can handle, let alone one lucky ass person so I know that they would not be equipped to handle me and all that my family issues. 
So yeah. I am very very clear why my heart is what it is for love. 
I am not equipped to deal with this. 
But it is a good thing I do not have to worry about all that, now isn't it.
that's all...

I am not immune

I am not immune

Considering I had an allergic reaction to life (or oatmeal or salad or strawberry shortcake) a few weeks ago and had to go get some steroids to help a sista out I felt it time to get an allergy test. Had to wait for the referral from my PCP but got that and went to this place on union square. This first 2 hour visit was 'interesting' and by interesting I was like WTF! To do a test or to test what you are allergic to they put random sample of things on your skin (the simple little needle prick) and 1/2 hour later if there are raised marks on the skin then I am allergic and the severity is from 1-5(?) anywho in this day and age their ain't no better way than this?


(This is both arms all marked up with a pen. Real sophisticated stuff. )
Well obviously not, as this first go round was the environmental tests for dust, tree pollens, molds, general things. And rodents. And rats. And roaches.
Say what?
Yes, in NYC they test for all them things considering NYC has all them things. Who knew!
And apparently I am allergic to German roaches as well as standard American roaches. So even my allergies are bougie. Great.
But also aside from that she prescribed be a crapload of prescriptions cause maybe my immune system and ph is off (according to the doctor). One of the scripts is an epi pen which I didn't get from my regular doc cause of the $159 price tag. For a one time use. Just in case. Uh no- but I think she gave me a coupon so maybe- cause I would have to remember to carry it..
But interesting to note I am also allergic to tobacco. Good thing I don't smoke but I have to stay away from all that.
So now I have to go back for the blood tests for the real stuff (nuts and bolts and oats and wine) could you imaging me allergic to wine? I'm about to go wine tasting on Saturday and that would truly be sad.
Oh on another note, leave it to the random questionnaire to actively point out how pitiful the nonexistent sex life really is.



I mean unless I can be allergic to the penis or the balls or the... Then why are you asking that question? And on top of that (no pun intended) since I wasn't in here because of an allergic reaction to sex why is that on the questionnaire? Why is that on my questionnaire? Are you mocking me random form? Does that happen in real life? Is this something else I now need be concerned about? Allergic reaction to the D. Great. For that, I'll get the epi pen.
HashtagPriorities.

Whatever happens

Do not forget the love light that lives in you 

- Jill Scott

*things I need to remember*

coffee thought...

showing some leg

Enjoy your days...
Yay.
Today is shaping up to be a great day
It is a Monday and I am not at work. I am chilling in a pool with my girls. And my girls are getting some much needed sun.
This afternoon we have massages we are scheduled for and that is something that I need (someone to touch my body please please please)
And on that note that one started his job today (whoo hoooo for making them power moves) many blessings be upon him...
And on another note it is the birthday of the philly boy- which truly means nothing other than it is a day in July.
It's amazing what time does to dates, huh?
In any event, the evenings dinner should be some combination of laughter, liquor and lightness.
that's all...

coffee thought...

Woke up crazy dizzy this morning
(Like I was twirling in circles in my dreams or something)
And no, I didn't drink last night
But woah this is not a good feeling
A) while standing still everything is moving
B) while walking I feel as if I am not walking a straight line
C) on a moving train-
D) later this afternoon on a boat (equilibrium is key)
Lord, pray for me
And deliver some coffee
that's all...

I thought it would get easier {30 for 30- day 5}

I thought it would get easier
You know 7 years is a long time
But I can truly say
It is never easy
And this is not just another day
Of course the rational me
Rationalizes.
You are in a better place
You are no longer in pain
You are free
You are..
But the irrational me
The one that I am forever keeping in check
Irrationally
Wants more time
Wants a simple conversation
Wants to hold your hand
Wants to not feel hurt
And I know, rationally and irrationality that
It is not possible
That
I have to get over it- this-
I have to let it go
I have to not -
Not think about it
Not think about all of the things that happened
Not think about all the things that didn't happen
Not want what I can never have
And just stop feeling
Because
I thought that with time
My wounds would heal
And it would get easier
But it's not true
Because My wounds
Apparently Left untreated
Refuse to heal
And are
A daily reminder
Of the battle that was loss
Maybe this time
When my pain is palpable
And my heart won't stop hurting



For mom.