Friday Feelings

🤖

Friday tends to get a better rap than it deserves.
I mean just because it is at the end of the work week and generally has 2 days of either rest and relaxation or debauchery following (depending on your mood) is probably why.
Truthfully one of them days should be dedicated to the LORD but hey, he knows your heart, no?
Anywho- I enjoy each day individually and as a collective particularly when surrounded by vacation and blue water.
I enjoy any day above ground so there's that.
But today, spoke to brother 1 and he is depressed.
Life is definitely trying him.
I mean life is trying us all- but when mental illness is mixed into the realities of life it is something that can be trying moreso than for regular folks.
He is about to move to a closer place (shelter/ rooming housing assignment) in the Bronx rather than at the bottom of the Jackie Robinson in Brooklyn.
I'm pleased as this will mean he is a bit closer than the long travel and potentially we can visit more.
I don't know what this will do to his stability struggle but there is that.
Small steps towards good news is a thing. So I'm pleased.
He on the other hand is meh.
I mean looking at it from his perspective I am not sure what he is actually looking for but yeah he is not all together excited but not upset.
A muted happiness? That could be a good book title
Anywho
Life is just going along doing its thing.
I'm trying to do my part in the participatory parts of it
We shall see how they all collide.
To be continued...

that's all...

Getting some

Getting some

Thoughts out there in the universe

First of all today is July 13th 2019

Saturday

Not sure that means anything to anybody in this world but that's the current date.

I'm sitting on an airplane headed to Chicago for a quick layover and then flight to Bloomington Indiana. Never been to Chicago or Indiana, so this will get checked off my bucket list for sure.

I am eternally grateful for the flights and the ability to travel for work- headed to a conference on financial wellness. Hopefully I learn new and exciting things that I can implement to my current program. Speaking of the current program

We (NYU Financial Education) are prominently listed at #15 on this list that came out of the top 50 financial literacy programs. Now, #15 may be like eh to some but realistically it is like oh shit for me.

1- I started this program a year ago

2- It is a one woman shop * I do have 2 Graduate interns that are amazing. I had to hire and train them up in financial aid, then get them comfortable with financial literacy terms and processes, and then get them certified as well as train them on how to counsel students, make presentations and put on workshops ALL WHILE MEETING WITH AND COUNSELING STUDENTS MYSELF AND SETTING PILLARS AND PARAMETERS FOR THIS PROGRAM AND CREATING VISION.

3- we serve a vast number of students and alumni and families with excellent service

4- I want to grow this to something even greater

5- I need an assistant

6- I am currently studying for my certification via a nationally recognized organization.

7- partnering with financial aid and other campus partners and growing relationships

So yeah- I am fully embracing this role and making strides. I am feeling damn near fulfilled but also in want of more and it is an interesting place to be. Career wise, I am growing and utilizing my talents.

On the EdD front, I did apply to NYU and was rejected. Definitely an ego blow as I think I am good enough and thought I was doing good enough work to be admitted and make a difference. I have good folks around me telling me and encouraging me to re-apply. To find out specifically why I was not admitted and to not give up. I am thinking on it. Seriously.

On the life, love, living front- relationship is still non existent and it is still something that is utterly frustrating to me. Like WTF man (man being man and also in this case being GOD). Again I ask am I not good enough, not worthy? As the common denominator in this equation it makes me wonder. Like am I truly a zero? Remembering the math skills that I do know, anything multiplied by 0=0. Am I that zero?

Random.

that's all...

visiting hours

Since I am on vacation, I decided to go visit my father's grave in the cemetery. I know i am the only one that come out here when i do because 1- the brothers do not have a car 2- it is not a priority to take public transportation for them ever so 3- if i do not drive them they do not come here. 

Anywho- life goes on and I do what I do. 

This headstone of my father which took 23 years to purchase after a few attempts and disagreements with the family is a sight. It is emotional for me to look at his name etched in stone, conspicuous hyphen in between birth and death date. 

It is heavy. 

Beautiful

but heavy.

The next tombstone visited is where Grandma lay.

Anderson. 

May she rest eternally there. 

It is too soon for the inscription to happen. 

But she is there. 

small miracles...

Tiny miracles are great- don't get me wrong- I mean a miracle is a miracle... it just may not be enough to save us

- grey's anatomy 

Today is a day I feel that this is more true than not. I am looking for a miracle <tries not to break out into song ala SASA days> and so far I can't see one happening. I am sure opening my eyes, taking a breath, getting up out of bed all counts and I should be more than thankful I can even accomplish those traits on a daily basis. I am thankful. I am grateful. I am... also very aware that sometimes it is a miracle I am here- still. And not the alternate in the depth of darkness that I feel on days. 

So

I appreciate the miracles all around me- I thank GOD daily for the colors of the trees and the presence of my mind and I thank GOD for just being random some days. 

So I appreciate the miracles- small that I am. 

But, as that saying goes

It may not be enough

that's all...

Gemini horoscope for Jan 16 2017 (coffee thought...)

coffee thought...

Sometimes when you look really hard for something, you don't find it even if it's in plain sight. That's because - at that moment when we're in a panicked search - that thing we're searching for seems so elusive and so important that we think it will be impossible to find, or it will be in some unreachable place. You are looking for something now, Gemini. You are looking hard. Perhaps you've been looking for quite some time. But it is out there. You just need to relax - and instead of searching - beckon it to come to you.

look

just relax

look

just breathe

look

just be

coffee thought...

Coffee thought...

Left work at 10:30 this evening.
There is always work to be done and more to do. Fun time in the OFA world when you are switching teams and all of the responsibilities that goes with it. Or that you asked for it. And it was sold to you in a crack pipe of accolades and praise.
Eh.
Maybe tomorrow.
that's all...

Oh side note:
Watched President Obama give his farewell speech today. This signifies an end of an era and truly a historic time in this Nation that had promise and growth and challenge and successes. Now... here are the real obstacles with the current elected person to our office. It is not at all anything funny and pretty messed up to see what human beings voted to run what was/ is the 'greatest nation' around. Right now- we are beyond the laughing stock of this world and something that is truly not funny.
We shall see how HOW we all survive this next 4 years- like I was telling a fellow #nobehaviorcrew member that is is like High school or college where you may hate hate hate it but you got 4 years here and have to stick it out. That is what we gonna have to do. Hardcore. Everyday. Strive for better. Never make the same mistake. Change the system. Break the broken system. Fight for social justice and make our voices heard. Yes, by any means necessary. By all means necessary.
As Mr. President Barack Obama said
Yes we can
Yes we did

Ok that's all...

because I struggle (still)

waiting

I have been struggling with the issues surrounding the writing of this post for some time now-- mainly because if I put it into words then I have to deal with it being reality-- if I put it to print then it can never be taken back- even after you control+alt+delete it away-- the words make it real and since the words have been in my subconscious and conscious for about 5 months now I figure no peace of my mind will come until I release this piece of my mind.

Finally, a boob shot for the fans!

apparently they found something

So because I have hit a certain # in age, one must maintain the fine specimen of a being that I am (#goddess). And part of that maintaining is getting everything checked out and OK'd for the coming years. SOOOO I go in to get the girls checked out cause they there and they need some care and after the most uncomfortable experience ever- EVER- where a kind Jamaican nurse or technician is mashing the boobs on this panel so they can get a great pic of them for prosperity. And they find something that needs to be further investigated. A lump. A thing. An abnormality that should not be there. And they tell me not to panic- which is not my normal modus operandus but the minute they say do not do something I up and do that something. And I immediately think about all the things this means and why and knowing that that "C" word runs in my family and specifically my Aunt had a mastectomy makes me think

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
No really
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

as if I do not have enough shit to deal with... now this? And there are a wealth of emotions (fear/ anger/ frustration/ indignation/ stubbornness/ complacency/ avocation) along with countless tears and migraines and drinks (cause alcohol, why not?) and more sleepless nights come flooding in each and every day henceforth. Sometimes for a quick second while I am on the #6 train (yes sometimes I be the crazy black woman with tears running down my face silently on the MTA)... I pause. There are many many things I cannot change in the world, many many things I cannot help to notice that are here and we all have to deal with many many things in any which way possible. This here (whatever it is) is just another of the things I gots to deal with. I am positive that this will all work out- because FAITH- but can I be on record in saying that:

1. someone has a lot of explaining to do 
2. I happen to love my boobs
3. what the fuck 
4. why me

And I have not spoken about this to many people- just 2. Because I have my secrets (every good girl does!) and I just do not want to give power to this narrative. Not today... not ever... It just is what it is- you know?

that's all...

coffee thought...

coffee thought...
Something about a Tuesday is very hopeful in my spirit and you know when You feel utterly blessed and can't articulate it? That is how I feel this morning. And I know I should feel that everyday but today of all days positivity ruminates from me.
Be blessed all!
that's all...

How I spent my summer (the short version)

This summer was filled with many things I did. I went to Bear Mountain a few times with the fam and thoroughly enjoyed the craziness. I had a few good nights out with some co-workers and some friends. Love the NYC nightlife ya know!!! AndI had the opportunity it's to reflect of the many blessings that are in and around the city of NY.
Was able to see Mozart at Lincoln center

listening to the orchestra

although it was a tragic occasion I ended up having to go to Bermuda to handle some family business and I did get to go to the beach. I definitely shed some tears there because of all the lives lost and the mortality of....us all. I didn't get lost in the triangle...although sometimes my mind...

Also, got a little creative with myself with some painting and re-decorating my home (home pics not avail but here is the start of a structured project. I promise it is a masterpiece.)

And finally had some time to work on some writing! Now, the subject matter is jarring but what about life is not? I mean there is more, more, more-- but i understand in time all things will come... and with that, we are about to fall into fall literally!

...to you...

for more reasons than I could tell you

is exactly why I couldn't tell you

coffee thought...

Coffee thought...

Commuting in to work today and there are a bunch of traffic disruptions.

Today, the Pope is headed to NYC and the world is up in arms and disarray trying to prepare and accommodate his visit. 

While he is supposed to be the leader of the Catholic Church and the closest representative to GOD I am feeling very annoyed by this visit. And no offense to the man personally or professionally- cause he and this visit did not do nothing to me- not even change my MTA commute. This disruption and annoyance I feel in my spirit is reminding me of the last time a papal visit happened- specifically April 2008. While all the hoopla that was surrounding the then Pope and him coming to the Bronx to say mass at Yankee Stadium and all the things that were going on.  On the day he came to the Bronx, that was the day we had my mothers funeral. And in meeting the priest prior to having mass arrangements he made a comment that having mass that day was inconvenient/ or getting back from that mass at the stadium was an inconvenience. I remember saying to myself damn sorry my mothers death is an inconvenience to you. And from that point on I have been utterly unfazed by anything St. Augustine or Catholic church wise. I know the Lord thru my upbringing and I have faith and I pray. But I cannot feel reverence for man (priest/ pope) anything because of simple empathy that was not shown. And why how many years later do I bring this up? Because I feel crazy resentment at all that. I feel stupidly angry at something that I cannot change or control. And I feel utterly lost without the guidance and words of my mom and dad. It's stupid cause I am an adult. I think. I mean my bills say I am. But dammit apparently I am no ones child anymore. 

That hurts. 

that's all... 

coffee thought...

showing some leg

Enjoy your days...
Yay.
Today is shaping up to be a great day
It is a Monday and I am not at work. I am chilling in a pool with my girls. And my girls are getting some much needed sun.
This afternoon we have massages we are scheduled for and that is something that I need (someone to touch my body please please please)
And on that note that one started his job today (whoo hoooo for making them power moves) many blessings be upon him...
And on another note it is the birthday of the philly boy- which truly means nothing other than it is a day in July.
It's amazing what time does to dates, huh?
In any event, the evenings dinner should be some combination of laughter, liquor and lightness.
that's all...

Old words...same thoughts

And the words remain the same 

And the thoughts remain the same 

And it is still 

The same 

Car troubles - 2/22/15

Car troubles - 2/22/15




Everyone that knows me knows that I love my car. I mean she is
definitely key to my freedom and movements in life.
So when my baby gives me issues I am in dire straights as to what to
do. Today I was headed to hang out with the girls at TD's home. It of
course had been snowing all damned day cause this winter is trying to make sure we know whose boss (it's you winter it's you). Yay for the covered parking garage! That is the blessing and the best $195 spent (thus far per month). Sacrifices, right?
I walk thru the snow with some drinks for the ladies and get to my lil baby. I try to start her up. Nothing. I blink because that has never

happened before. I try again still clicking sound and nothing. I pause. I regroup and think surely I heard wrong. And try again. Still clicking sound. Now, i am no damned mechanic but dammit to hell something something ain't right and I am 3 seconds from distraught (and really should not be distraught but I mean we are talking about my freedom here) and nothing. I call the girls to let them know i am not going anywhere and I am also on the
phone with another friend for moral support. Of course I have an
attitude because...why? Why why why now is this happening ? Like is there
not enough to keep my ass busy going on in this world? but no [universe] you feel fit to send me this drama.
This would be a good time to have a man in my life who I would be like
hun, I'm in trouble and he would be like ok, I got you. Period. But
that ain't my life. As I am searching for AA or AAA my home girl law and order comes thru with her car. She is like girl we got you and do you have jumper cables. Luckily sparkles gave me an emergency kit like a few years ago and I know there are cables in there and jumps my car. Let's be clear- we ain't know shit about what connects to what but 1- managed to make that connection 2- didn't get blowed up and 3- didn't get electrocuted. That is cause for celebration. So we high tail it over to autozone and I purchase a new battery. Cause the dude said it's definitely your battery. $200 later the battery installed I am able to drive over to TD's house and am definitely in need of the drinks I am carrying.
All I do want to say is thank god for sisters and the blessings that they are in my life. Lord knows I would be stuck without them.