At the end of the day

At the end of the day
I just want someone to say
Hey
Good job.
You did well.
Or try again tomorrow
I love you
I support you
You matter to me

that's all...

Here's a Bible passage I'd like to share with you...

"Behold, God is my salvation;

 I will trust, and not be afraid:

for the Lord Jehovah is my strength

and my song;

 he also is become my salvation."

 

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭12:2‬ ‭KJV‬‬

http://bible.com/1/isa.12.2.kjv

needed this today

coffee thought...

hmmm

Mom...

There is not much to say

 because

I tend to miss your physical presence

 more than I can articulate.

And like I always say,

I know you are in a better place

with your mom

and peace

but selfishly I wish I could just be

your daughter- a child

safe

with my mom sitting next to me

or hugging me

or just being a mom to me

and I know that is it not possible

and I know it is not tangible

but I know it is just one wish of mine.

at any rate,

rest well

you are missed

and

always loved.

work work work

coffee thought...

Coffee thought...

Commuting in to work today and there are a bunch of traffic disruptions.

Today, the Pope is headed to NYC and the world is up in arms and disarray trying to prepare and accommodate his visit. 

While he is supposed to be the leader of the Catholic Church and the closest representative to GOD I am feeling very annoyed by this visit. And no offense to the man personally or professionally- cause he and this visit did not do nothing to me- not even change my MTA commute. This disruption and annoyance I feel in my spirit is reminding me of the last time a papal visit happened- specifically April 2008. While all the hoopla that was surrounding the then Pope and him coming to the Bronx to say mass at Yankee Stadium and all the things that were going on.  On the day he came to the Bronx, that was the day we had my mothers funeral. And in meeting the priest prior to having mass arrangements he made a comment that having mass that day was inconvenient/ or getting back from that mass at the stadium was an inconvenience. I remember saying to myself damn sorry my mothers death is an inconvenience to you. And from that point on I have been utterly unfazed by anything St. Augustine or Catholic church wise. I know the Lord thru my upbringing and I have faith and I pray. But I cannot feel reverence for man (priest/ pope) anything because of simple empathy that was not shown. And why how many years later do I bring this up? Because I feel crazy resentment at all that. I feel stupidly angry at something that I cannot change or control. And I feel utterly lost without the guidance and words of my mom and dad. It's stupid cause I am an adult. I think. I mean my bills say I am. But dammit apparently I am no ones child anymore. 

That hurts. 

that's all... 

coffee thought ...

Thinking about numbers in life- today being 9/11 and all.

This number is etched permanently in my brain- 

just like some of the other numbers of importance in my life:

5/23

16

4/08

1/13

8/25

4/05

10/23

3

0

These numbers do not mean anything to most people

 but have very significant meanings to me.

 But back to the original number I am mentioning today-

 many years ago

 people's lives were changed drastically on this date. 

Everyone remembers where they were

 and what they were doing 

and who they were living with 

and who they were loving with

and when the Towers fell

everyone remembered how they were getting home

and who they were looking for 

and what emotions were being felt

and who was missing

and who was never found

and what was never said

 and many things like that. 

Many people made dramatic choices as a result of that day- 

there were a few weddings and life changing plans because of it all--

 and this is not to say that these events would not have eventually happened- 

it is just that when you see destruction and tragedy at hand

one tends to revis their own mortality and place in the world.

So with all that being said...

 What have we accomplished since then?

 Individually

 and as a whole nation

 what has been done to uplift and advance this society? 

What have we done to bring us all together

 in a way that was prevalent that day

 (and yes people tend to bond over tragedies...

and there were a fair few directives and initiatives made

 and some resolute actions are decided on

 because of the emotions of the time...)

What have we gained since then? 

Not only physically

 but spiritually and emotionally

 and just what are we doing?

As a whole, I have no clue anymore

 I used to have a fuller broader and wider breath of emotions to spare for the world 

for all humanity 

however when I have nothing left for me

 I have nothing left to give.

All those number mean something to me.

 Important.

Of Importance.

but what do they add up to?

that's all...

I done said

I done said
all
I can say
about the subject matter
and there is
nothing more
I can say
But I will
Cause
I am me
and
I have to say it
I am like
I'm good and I notice something(s) about my friends
and then when I tell them
(the folks that say they can handle my thoughts and worlds
and let's wrap that all up into the random musings of me)
oh hell.
It's like wow.
 And it's like clearly
I have a problem
so let's just shut you up
 and change the nature of this relationship
 and move from there.
I am like what?
So I give you what I notice-
not that I asked you for anything
and this is like nope- shift.
Well damn.



but I done
said
all that I was gone say

I thought it would get easier {30 for 30- day 5}

I thought it would get easier
You know 7 years is a long time
But I can truly say
It is never easy
And this is not just another day
Of course the rational me
Rationalizes.
You are in a better place
You are no longer in pain
You are free
You are..
But the irrational me
The one that I am forever keeping in check
Irrationally
Wants more time
Wants a simple conversation
Wants to hold your hand
Wants to not feel hurt
And I know, rationally and irrationality that
It is not possible
That
I have to get over it- this-
I have to let it go
I have to not -
Not think about it
Not think about all of the things that happened
Not think about all the things that didn't happen
Not want what I can never have
And just stop feeling
Because
I thought that with time
My wounds would heal
And it would get easier
But it's not true
Because My wounds
Apparently Left untreated
Refuse to heal
And are
A daily reminder
Of the battle that was loss
Maybe this time
When my pain is palpable
And my heart won't stop hurting



For mom.

I need to... {30 for 30~ day 4}

I need to

Remember to love myself

I need to

remember when I am looking outside

for validation or justification

I need to look within.

I need to

remember when I need empathy

to first grant that to myself.

I need to

remember that I cannot expect

anyone to understand

exactly what it feels like

to be me

at this very moment -

so they cannot support

or sympathize with what I am feeling.

I need to

remember that I am ok.

Just breathe.

I need to

remember that this too shall pass.

I need to

remember why

I need to remember...

I would be

I would be

Remiss if I didn't mention

The things that have happened this January

Lost keys in elevator shaft that ultimately tested my patience and strength. It also forced me to focus on my vision board and make that a reality.

The following week lost my parking cars and had to get a new one wit borrowed money from bro #3 as that was a severely unexpected expense. Did end up going to the gym.

Ended up in jury duty and then end the emergency room with horrific muscle spasms. 

Incredible. Bad. Pain killers needed.

Working thru some things that make me challenged. 

And then ... 

Challenges that make me me.

Such was January.

Jewels and gems along the way

Jewels and gems along the way

Right now I am waiting in the terminal for a flight enroute to NYC from Ft. Lauderdale. I didn't mention the flight from NYC to FLA because there was no flight. It was basically 20 hours of a power drive- but not straight thru.
My sister friend Gem was moving from NYC to fla. There were things she needed to take down personally including the car. Well, we figured we would leave Friday after work and arrive sometime Saturday evening. Have a good few days of Florida sun and go back to work rested. Not the case as we didn't leave until Sunday morning. Well I can completely say that i am blessed because by the grace of God we were protected thru the whole trip. All day on Saturday I was home. Doing things like cleaning and fixing up the place. Tried to get some rest but when you are expected to up and go at any moment it is not a place you can get totally rested at all. But somehow, between all the antics that did happen for her to be delayed in getting from her house to my house- again u can only say blessed.
Got to the Restaurant and why does a glass completely shatter in my hands. Like really. Is that a sign or something? Anyway before we even left the parking lot she was sleep and I was in my thoughts (along with traffic). She slept for s good 3 hours in the beginning and in that time I had a great run on thinking and thoughts. Part of my thoughts usually revolve around love and life and friends and movement and growth and alone and God and father and family and mommy and just...stuff.
When she woke up our great conversation started. I mean what I love about sisterhood is the truth and honesty. And the best thoughts and hopes and wishes we have for each other.
One of the major concerns in my life is the 'when will my love come along' thought process and when will I have ___ <~~ insert child, love, man, comfort, security. All of those things. All of em.
We laughed about the randomness of everything and the lives we have had this far. I dunno.
Some of the things she said- like love is out there for me and I need to just believe. And pray. And have faith.
I do.
During the ride we stopped for gas in a few places and stopped overnight in Wilson, NC. Had bojangles for the first time in my life. We had a suite it was interesting.
Time for rest. Monday rolls around and we have complementary breakfast and then gonna hit the road for the rest of the way. Road map says 10 hours. I think I can do the whole drive - considering she wasn't feeling well and considering it is what I could contribute. There are many many times in this world where I think I am not enough- not smart enough, not tall enough, not pretty enough, just not enough to be picked to be loved or wanted or...just enough.
(Mind you this is coupled with the random times that I am more than enough and am actually just enough but I digress)
And then it became a personal goal. Can I drive the whole way to Florida? Why would I?
What would that accomplish?
I don't know.
But I did it.

I won't

I won't
Relive the day
or the tragedies that followed
Because I would have done that
over and over again
for the many years to follow
Still...
I won't relive the hurt
and the sorrow that occurred
Because those things never truly go away,
now do they?
I won't relive the heroism
because in direct relation to that heroism
is the constant threat and fear
we stay in.
Orange level alerts and
high terror threats
are no way
to live life.
I won't relive the promises made
Because even those
were buried away
when the dust that settled
Never spoken of again
Mysterious.
I will remember
I won't
ever forget.

9/11

#KaraWalkerDomino

I visited the old Domino Sugar Factory (Williamsburg, BK) to get some culture and all that jazz primarily to see this art piece by Kara Walker. The images that were presented in this grand scale art instillation were fascinating to say the least (inclusive of the Marvelous Sugar Baby) and really thought provoking. Ms. Walker is paying homage/raising questions to those who 'refined' our sweet tastes...

Specifically, the trip subtly/ not so subtly were raising questions (to me) on who and how and what is valued -- starting back in the days with the complicated business of production of sugar and its ties to the Islands and slavery et al. She has images of little negro boys presumably workers from the fields carrying baskets who would have been child labor  (which was not illegal) in various poses and dispositions. These children were used to cultivate the sugar cane from the fields to wherever they went for profit.  The sugars (molasses) marks on the floor (representing blood maybe) was interesting...

The grand piece was a Sphinx that was made entirely out of white sugar which is

1. Not sugars' natural state but
2. Made in the image of a black woman and
3. Is naked

That was astonishing.

 I must say that people do not know how to react to a black woman's' body or a naked body (even if she is made of sugar). I am sure one of the objectives of the piece was to make people absolutely aware of and celebrate the intricacies and beauty of a woman (yay me) but some people cannot and do not know how to receive that. There were many comments and inappropriate pictures taken and it definitely made me think of the issues I face as a woman today (objectified/ subjectified/ sexualized/ etc) and the demoralization that women now and of the slavery days (which I can attribute her period of time to be) were constantly subjected to.  I think about us women-- from the woman workers in the kitchen, the women who raised the children of their own and others by whatever means (meaning their masters children, their children born out of non consensual means), the women who were left to be strong for the families as the men were just chattel away...

I think about the value placed on certain attributes women have- let's look at today's standards that all of hip-hop America is singing about: big asses & big breasts are the main value standards.  There are folks who are doing the most (butt implants/ breast implants/ liposuction and other crazy ass things) literally killing themselves to fit this mold. Because society says this is pretty.  Hell, even Beyoncé said pretty hurts...but this is what is considered attractive...but this is what men want...but this is what YOU (woman) need to be like to be worthy of love, attention, anything-- because if you are not that then you are not something society would like to know- never mind the brains or the compassion or the any other of the myriad of things that make up a woman. I could go on about the fucked up morals we have as a society based on any of the recent headlines, but I'll save that stand on my soapbox for another day. This 'art' was just...subtle in an overt way. Here are some of the pics:

 

These are my favorite because of the broken-ness that is surrounding the baby.

Day 21- 30 for 30 [National Poetry Month--I dreamt]

I dreamt

Of betrayal last night
In the most intimate way
I saw you and him
Kissing
Clandestinely
While in plain sight
And maybe
The suspicions I had of you
Were just right
Maybe because you never held my hand
Maybe you never truly loved me
Because I was no man
But maybe I'm confused
Because some of the things you said
Had us grinding (yes in the nude)
And maybe I am mistaken
I mean maybe my vision is a little shaken
Maybe I am wrong
Because here you go
Singing another love song
Maybe that's not for me
Yes I know- it's a song about 'he' or him
or whatever you choose
That's not me...In this reality
As I wake up
I remember
It's just a dream?

I dreamt of betrayal last night

Day 3~ 30 for 30 (National Poetry Month)

[standing in the sun while it's dark inside]

I wish you stood in the sun with me

I wish you could hold my hand

I wish you could talk to me in the light

Not just the stolen minutes at night

I wish the truth was real

I wish this rain could heal

I wish you knew how I feel

Not just the lies we tell to just deal

I wish you could acknowledge this

I wish you could feel us

I wish I could feel you

Not just my imagined pieces will do

I wish I could change the start

I wish you didn’t steal away my heart

I wish I didn’t fall apart

Damn, and here I thought I was so smart

 

I wish I was not your secret

I wish I was your visible honor

I wish you choose me

Not just the surreptitious shame we happen to be

Oh

How I just wish you stood in the sun with me

coffee thought...

Ahhhhh...

Sometimes it is worth it

even for just a second.

12.22.13

So

So
In the attempt to do something nice
I fell on the steps of the building I live in. Fell hard on my tailbone. There ain't no cushion back there to land on. What the hell.
Really world? I am too damn old for this.



Sent from my iPhone

Coffee thought...

Coffee thought...

The verdict is in
George Zimmerman was found not guilty for 'murdering' Trayvon Martin on Saturday after a 13 day trial. Many many folks are upset at this verdict and chant 'no justice no peace ' like people are actually listening to their voices rather than being preoccupied by the vessel that chant is coming from. No matter what folks say (black POTUS and all) we are forever engrained and enfranchised with a very racist and real society that devalues the sight, sound, presence, actions and achievement of the black man. when the messages consistently degrade your life and when. I can't thus early. I need some deep java. .. And can someone tell me exactly when no justice no peace has that been followed to an effective outcome. I mean it sounds good and all but really?


Sent from my iPhone