Friendly conversations...

Sunshine:  excuse you

who told you you could get to work at 11?

i thought you had a meeting or something this morning

 Sent at 2:11 PM on Wednesday

 Sunshine:  *wondering if this is people ignoring me again. hmmmm...

 Sent at 2:15 PM on Wednesday

 Sunshine:  UGGHHHHHHHHHGHGHHGHGHGHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Sent at 2:41 PM on Wednesday

 me:  really

hahahahaah

well

since i was up at 2

and was getting sleepy at 5

i sent an email to the boss saying look i cant

i will try to be there at 11

and re-arranged my morning to fit into lunch time this afternoon

 Sunshine:  WHAT WAS you doing up at 2? didn't you hang up on me to go to sleep? oh my goodness you late night cheating on me

 me:  YESSS

No

iwent to sleep at 1

woke up @ 2:10 choking

ever happen to you

 Sunshine:  dick in the mouth?

 me:  like i swallowed or somethign

REALLY

REALLY?

shit if only

i would be choking then

THAT i am sure of

 Sunshine:  better start practicing then

 me:  that i want to do

 Sunshine:  choking is frowned upon

 me:  alas no willing participants

 Sunshine:  ask a cucumber. they seldom tell you no

 me:  but seeing as how i am like samantha from sex in the city and can swallow a lot of things with no lube

LOLOL

 Sunshine:  goodbye

 me:  i despise cucumbers

and really

 Sunshine:  i don't think someone who works with children should be having this conversation

 me:  you saying by to me ?\

 Sunshine:  well trick you aint eating it

 me:  exactly ms CEO

 Sunshine:  that's frowned upon too

 me:  isnt that what people supposed to do?

eat the booty like groceries

 Sunshine:  eat the dick?

 me:  HAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAAHAHAH

OMG

i am leaving this coversation

 Sunshine:  lmao

you said it

well you made me say it

anyway

 me:  smh smh

 Sunshine:  well as long as you not shaking your ass

 me:  not today

Take a breath

Take a breath

One of the most annoying things in my world is when you think you are going to go to sleep and everything in the universe conspires against this notion. As if me without sleep is a productive pleasant member of society. Where?
This social experiment or whatsoever starts out by waking up at a decent hour (8am) on the weekend to not sleep in too late- this after going to bed at 3 am after a day of walking (14,000 steps y'all!), doing laundry (4 loads) and cleaning the bathroom from top to bottom and changing color schemes etc ... I wake up and make breakfast and wash dishes and clean out the freezer and trash old unidentifiable things. Next I do work on computer write a literary verse or three and make edits upon edits while watching Netflix (no chill) and chatting to various persons on the phone. Yay! While contemplating life and all the things that are happening and realizing all the things are happening just over there somewhere... I am here...
So laters in the fine evening, even tho I am tired about 8pm I clean some more and put away laundry and start to purge some clothes I will never return to, exfoliate and slap a calming face mask on and prepare for the work week. I sort some jewelry and feel adequately tired after washing said face mask off and feel that being in bed by 12:14 cause should give me a good amount of sleep for a 5am wake up and gym start time... What happens?
Can you tell me?
Well... It starts by my mind/ brain/ subconscious realizing that yup, she may need some rest as the body is beat and the soul is weary and the spirit is weakening but let she not rest because why must she get a chance to breathe.
Take a breath...
And so, as I recall all 7,951,023 things I said today, thought today, thought I said today, said my thoughts today
I realize I cannot find the sane reason
As to
Why I am blogging at 2:30 am and I am not asleep
I am truly fucked up
And
Considering the complicated math equation I am figuring out in my head involving how much sleep I would actually achieve if I fell asleep right this second it all equates to
Not. Enough.
It is all
Not. Enough.
There are truly not enough sheep to count to get me to sleep... And while we are at it... whose bright idea was it to count sheep? Aren't they loud and smelly and wooly and funky and baaaa'ing all the time? Not exactly relaxing and stuff.
Maybe I'll take a walk and count my lucky stars...
that's all...

Dream last night

Dreamt that there was this muscle bound chocolate dude 

that was showing his tattoos to me 

(and TRS) 

and I was laying on my right side in a bathing suit (cornbread fed) 

and hair was crazy curly/ hands folded like prayer under my cheek.

 He was showing many things on himself and then putting on oil. 

Yummy.

 I was like OK, then closed my eyes to go to sleep. 

TRS was on her computer. 

We were all 3 in a room (looked like room from childhood bedroom). 

He takes some lotion and semi paints in on my leg tat (thigh) 

and then rubs it in

 sensuously and massages

 the lotion and my thigh talking about

 we have to protect your art and it's fascinating. 

He is rubbing with his right hand

 as his left is between my legs but holding/ propping up the left leg.

What is interesting is that I am surprised

 he is rubbing my leg but thrilled (😱)

 and he is looking at me mischievously sliding his hand up.

 I look over at TRS 

ho is busy on her computer 

and I lean up to put my fingers under his chin

. He kisses me oh so softy and I am melting.

 He then puts my leg near/ on his shoulder and is massaging the leg with both hands

 (deep tissue) 

and I am trying to position myself closer to his waist.

 Why? Hmmmm

My other leg I am resting on is already curled behind him 

so he is intimately involved in my area down there... 

I mean it is a dream, right? 

He moves his right hand to pull slide me closer to him

 by my right waist and turns my head toward him.

TRS is no longer there (yay!) 

and he has 1/2 his clothes still 

and is just Adonis like. 

Smooth and close hair cut. 

Beautiful smile and mine.

And ready. And so am I... 

That is what I remember.

coffee thought...

May the 4th be with you..

Which is a silly as joke but considering today is May 4 I guess it is fitting.

What is not fitting are my clothes after this cruise I went on with my friends. Leading up to this vacation that was being planned over a year ago has been one of the most stressful times of my life- particularly dealing with work, family, friends, me (and in no particular order)

Figuring out how to get oneself to the airport via the MTA that don't ever want to go your way on a regular basis is a feat. Coupled with the fact I had a houseguest for 3 weeks prior to my leaving with left me with only 2 days to get my sh*t together so that I can vacate is stressful- you would think vacationing is not (yes 1st world problems)

Anywho, once I got to Florida, relaxation was able to commence and whatever I didn't have someone had. And let me tell you the amount of drinks alone on that cruise would have equaled a plane ticket to Bermuda and back. Trust me.

Yay unlimited drink package. And yay for NCL on getting their sh*t together- because this boat was not leaving Miami unless they did have it together. 

But utterly fascinating was the sisterhood that was felt during that trip. Missing from the photo below is Steph. 

I mean considering I do not have actual sisters (tho I have adopted TD & others along the way) it was great to be like in a great mix of supporting and hilarious and smart and caring and understanding and intelligent and dynamic women. Truly. We checked in on each other and made sure everyone was having fun. We covered each other with no one stealing from the other and I got some much needed sun and sand and sleep which is a rare 3 combination. 

 I missed some peoples presence but such is life.

I loved hanging out with my nephew and his foolishness- watching him daily interact with his mom and the rest of the folks is pure genius. 

He is truly a blessed heart and his mom is a saint! Kids are great! 

There was a moment on this trip where I was being someone's social worker or counselor so to speak and this person was born on Mom's birthday but having difficulties with his family and his elder moms care and basically I was like pray and understand you did/ doing the best you can. I guess that is what has to or needs to be said and heard at times (even on vacation). Funny enough the gang was like he needs his own friends and you good to chat with him for like 1/2 HR. It was riotous. But, all in all was able to sleep, pray, think, talk and generally overall just disconnect from some of the stressors of my life. I did not check emails or log on the computer (cause I was not getting charged erroneously for nothing nor anyone's issues since I do not got it like that). Now, my itsy bitsy tiny issue that happened at the end of the trip came in the way of getting from the airport- but you know once again I figured it out.

that's the way life goes, no?

coffee thought...

The thought of the truths that were not told to me

is something that is unnerving to the basis of this here relationship.

 I can only operate with the information that is given to me

and

 when you start out with lies then everything else is built upon that shaken and unsteady ground.

 It is something that can rarely be stable and trusted-

 you know that solid ground that people claim to want to be in at all times.

 It is not that hard IF we all speak the

Truth.

The mother fucking truth.

I mean.

just because I demand the truth in my actions and being

 does not mean folks can exist in this space

clearly people go about a whole lot to keep the truth hidden

but then again is it still the truth even in the dark?

I dare say it is and has to be reckoned with on any level...

So,

in acknowledging the things that you believe about your relationships

and the truths you tell yourself about your current state of affairs

I wonder

Do you even know

 the things

 that were lied about anymore

 and

 how that effects the space

 we operate in?

Do you even care?

Hmmm. I wonder.

because they say the truth can set you free

or the truth has a way of coming to light.

eh

some people thrive on darkness

I myself sleep with a mask

but in truth

don't we all?

that's all...

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

More like coffee thoughts and the myriad of things running thru my head.
Work has kicked it up a notch (or 7) and I am in the midst of transitioning (yay more leadership) but with that I have lost two going on three folks from my team. This means the remaining members need to step it up but also I need to make sure they are competent to do so otherwise I am stuck and then I am the one who can't move forward.
sigh...
that's all...
oh-
and I wish sleep would return to me
because the things that are troubling me are things I have no control over
and if I have no control over them
then who can I turn to [yes of course God...]
but I mean
don't he/ she got bigger things to conquer
than singing my soul to sleep?
eh...
now
that's all...

coffee thought...

Coffee thought...

It is well passed the time for me to have some coffee 

but 

considering I have a ton of things to do

when I get home

and

 (considering it is already 11:06 pm on a Tuesday night) 

and

my day is sooo not over yet 

I may need to indulge 

in

 some...

sigh...

that's all...

Random lovely words...

Thinking about love tonight. 

Hopefully it will bring better dreams...

I don't know- Saturday 5/30

I don't know
What it says if u don't have coffee all week while on vacation in the
land of my father.
I mean I didn't kill anyone and I was not the coffee monster that
people (-__-) make me out to be - on the contrary I was enjoying my
days and nights in Bermuda.
What is funny is that I slept.
 At nights.
From exhaustion
and lack of coffee..
(except for one night-- but one out of 7 isn't bad)

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

Oh boy in in dire need of a substantial cup of coffee today.
I am sleepy and tired and just drained.
Had some crazy ass dreams last night
(With my mom driving me to a pier? Trying to make a cruise on time but this was night, so it was odd that we were rushing but she wasn't going on the boat. And bro 1 was driving in a car behind us- which is weird by itself.)
Anywho I woke up confused.
Need. Coffee. Stat.
that's all...

Afternoon- random dreams

I write down my random dreams just to see where my mind is that day/night/season. Good thing I don't always put too much thought into it (cause a dream is something I cannot control with as much control I am trying to have in my daily life) Both dreams are just odd in the sense that some things I feel I know I feel (like a sense of not being heard) and some things I think I know I just don't know, and some folks in my dream I am wondering why they are there? Like who do they represent?
Eh...I'll leave it for the true dream interpreters to figure out. 


Afternoon
Woke up 3 pm
Dreamt that I was in VS and was looking for a tan waffle shirt long sleeve with pink writing. There was some other Caucasian girl there that was looking at the same thing but her small size was not there. HE appeared on my right side (headphones in) and I was like oh do you like this shirt? HE was like it's aight- but the random white chick asks the same thing and you go its looks sexy. I get annoyed but accepted it as 'whatever' because it's HE.
We walk to the back of the store and see a bunch of females running (in my hand I have picked up a cobalt blue hard makeup case) and we see this security guard (that is my Ex) chase this black girl into the bathroom. We are moving towards the registers and there are a few heavyset black women as cashiers (which does not fit the stereotypical VS mode). I go up to one to check the price of the case and before I can speak the Ex comes out with the female thief and is like are you going to pay for that (I mean I am at the register) and I am like what do you think (cause I am annoyed at his presence and that he is arresting this girl even tho she is obviously stealing) and he says, I was not talking to you I was talking to Him. So HE is apparently are stuffing female undergarments into a bag (black plastic garbage bag) and HE looks annoyed at him and say 'what do you think' . Ex says, well by putting it into a plastic bag, it looks like you are stealing it, I am about to intervene (I don't really know how or what to do) and before I turn towards HE the sales lady says to me 'do you have someone to talk to? You look like there is a lot going on and make sure you talk to that someone. ' let me give you my card' and she reaches for her card to give me (she is a psychic reader/medium etc) I am still waiting for the price and HE having heard all this go up next to me on the left and looks at her (so she can read Him) and she says you know you got a strong woman here (HE says I know) and she says and you tell her/ give her a lot to handle (HE says yes I do) she says make sure you know that (and implies that you make sure to tell her and show her you love her) I am like shaking my head and HE goes 'it just happened that way, but I get it. I will.
I am like what? What just happened? What HE get/ got? What should I know?
The Ex looks dejected and continues to arrest the poor girl, and continues to look at me disgusted (what did I do?) She gave the blue case to me HE puts His arm thru mine and we start walking out. I am confused, and HE says to me don't worry, we'll talk. HE walks out with the garbage bag full of ladies underwear (odd) but we get right outside the door of the VS store and HE turns to me and looks at me. I stop and stare at him like, Ok what? (and because it is a dream I put my right hand on my hip like do something/ say something). HE proceeds to put his srm around my waist and pulls me in to kiss him (which seems natural in the grand scheme of things) and I apparently do not resist. We (after a kiss or 12 lol) are standing in a room (not my room) and HE hands me the garbage bag of undies and says put this on- so I take the bag and look inside and it is something very risque in there that I am supposed to put on. As I leave to do what I am told these thoughts in my dream head are:
Wait- so I just am gonna go with this? And don't feel no way about it? And I am gonna just act like this is normal (us) and everyone is cool with this?
I woke up before I left the room to change clothes because even in my dreams....

Also had a second dream that we (the brothers and I) owned a white pedophile van, and it was burning (for some reason)  and all our equipment was in there and I was trying to get bro #1's attention so that we can all move from the van and be safe before it blew up. No one was listening to me, and I am watching the gas burn more, trying to calculate exactly how long before this entire thing goes up in smoke and then I die. I truly felt scared and had to wake myself up because I felt that if the car exploded in this dream, I would really not make it.

Fwd: Dance

As I sit here listening to this song-

Dance with My Father (Luther Vandross) and I think about dancing- wheather it is doing the wobble or some other break it down move that comes out this day and age, I also think back (or forward) to the more acceptable dances that we as a society perform out there...and dancing with my father.

I am random in the thoughts that plague me at random times- mother thoughts some nights, father thoughts other night, random other folks thought random other nights, and i think (HA!) have I ever danced with my father? Is this something that ever happened in my lifetime? Is this something that I remember (or should remember?) Is this some fantasy that I dreamt? Is this something that daughters & sons should do- regularly- and dance with their parents because...
So every time I hear this song, from when it came out I always identified with the 'I would do anything to dance with my father again' sentiment because, let's face it, there are things that I wish I could do (or did) and having a silly little dance seems like one of them.
I think i remember that we kinda sorta danced in the street one time *or maybe this is some damned wishful thinking I have* and remembering that he held my hand...maybe...

Rainy night thoughts

Is that thunder and lightening again? 

While the overall sounds of the rain generally soothe my soul 

It is the crackling of fhe lightening and the feriousious thunder that scare the crap outta me. 

I have come to a couple of conclusions:

This sleeping alone business (especially nights like these) is something I am not cut out for. 

I wish I could just find 'him' for me already because right about now I know what I want and I know who I am. 

I just...

that's all. 

Day 21- 30 for 30 [National Poetry Month--I dreamt]

I dreamt

Of betrayal last night
In the most intimate way
I saw you and him
Kissing
Clandestinely
While in plain sight
And maybe
The suspicions I had of you
Were just right
Maybe because you never held my hand
Maybe you never truly loved me
Because I was no man
But maybe I'm confused
Because some of the things you said
Had us grinding (yes in the nude)
And maybe I am mistaken
I mean maybe my vision is a little shaken
Maybe I am wrong
Because here you go
Singing another love song
Maybe that's not for me
Yes I know- it's a song about 'he' or him
or whatever you choose
That's not me...In this reality
As I wake up
I remember
It's just a dream?

I dreamt of betrayal last night

Day 2- 30 for 30 (National Poetry Month)

2:34 am Insomniac moments



Blindly

I listen to the conversations in my head

Loudly they scream

Silently they say

It is all an illusion

A façade of false

A pretense of pretend

A lot like love…

But I know that

Or at least I thought I knew that

Because



Blindly

I listen to the conversations in my head

The louder they scream

The more my conscious hears

This is the truth

Wrapped up in the words

That are the reality

Of this heart...

But I know that

Or at least I thought I knew that

Because



Blindly

I listen to the conversations in my head

That are guiding my heart

Into this dangerous place

That I can’t trust or fathom...

And I can’t concede or believe

Deliberately…

But I know that

Or at least I thought I knew that

Because



Blindly

I listen to the conversations in my head

Battling for control of my mind

Leaving my thoughts tainted

This spirit be damned

My soul shattered

My core corrupted

Peace will never be with me

And I can see that…

Because...

coffee thought...

It is 7:41 and I am more productive than I have ever been on a weekday.
I am on the train after I got up at 5:40 (thank you insomnia)
Showered,
did my hair,
outfit together,
made lunch!! (And remembered to bring it to work...)
moved the car,
took out recycling and garbage.
Damn.
I think I am done for the day...and I have not even gotten to work.

Insomnia

Insomnia

I am plagued by thoughts
Reoccurring ones
Of missed opportunity
Of love lost
Of loneliness found

I am haunted by remembrances
Tangible ones
Of holding you in my arms
Of feeling secure
Of kissing your lips

I am mired by words
Spoken ones
Of wanting
And needing
And of loving me

Trouble lies in this bed
I am dreaming
But can't sleep
💔

coffee thought...



coffee


Thoughts?
yeah... kinda hard to think with all the
things that be goings on...goings on.

yeah,
that's all...

GW Bridge

random:

today, 80 years ago the GW bridge was opened to traffic connecting NY & NJ and making the start of major commutability (my word). One random night, Bro#2 & I were watching some documentary on the making of the bridge and basically reasons why they design is what it is. Something about crossing this bridge to NJ to me means 'Road Trip'. As a kid anytime we were headed that way (south I-95) it meant adventure, intrigue and mommy or daddy driving.
Let's also take a look at the days we (dad & us) used to take mom to work at her K-Mart corporation job in North Bergen NJ. Typically in the summer time, on the Thursdays bi-weekly when she got paid, we would take her to work for her 4pm-12am shift. From there, the family would hit up either Roy Rogers or White Castle and some random rock park in NJ [not too far from Berginline Ave ] where we would run, eat and play. Then around 7:30-8pm mom would come out and we would drive her to the bank in NJ to cash her check [yes apparently we were living check to her check], eat some food and drop he back off. Sometimes we would wait around until midnight (what did we do for 4 more hours?) and then Dad would pick mom up and we would drive home. Coming home across the George Washington Bridge at night with all the lights and cars with the original old time yellow license plates meant 'I am going home'. I know exactly how long it should take to get from the GW to Jerome Avenue (sans traffic and any additional construction on roads that seem to never get fixed). I know various shortcuts to take me to my home from any point off the bridge (try me!/ thanks mom).
Later, after Dad passed crossing the GW meant going up towards 'our new home'- Spring Valley NY. Something about a place called Spring Valley was an oxymoron to the arrival of 3 kids from the South Bronx (word.) Once I was able to figure out a bus schedule back to the city *red and tan lines* by the time the bus was crossing the bridge back to Washington Heights NY the excitement of being back on the block was palpable. At that time I put back on the mask I wear to make it on the MTA buses to Grandmas house I go (and the pollution/ violence/ ass foolery Mommy tried to remove us from--here I am willingly spending my hard earned money to go back to. Ahh the youth is wasted on the youth someone once said...) still something about that said 'I am going home'.
Fast forward even later on in life Moi finally being able to drive that bridge myself really really really was an accomplishment (complete with prayer) that I never thought I would be able to do.  Once I was driving myself, really the road trips began in earnest (Philly, VA, AC, NJ, Boston, CT etc)- that was excitement in the fast lane for true...
ahh the memories...So congratulations to the GW for making it to 80 yrs. Let's gear up for the next 80 and the many more road excursions to come.

Sunday night

This (11:17 pm) Sunday night time ritual of mines goes something like this:
Finish watching the news
Place dishes in the sink (sometimes wash said dishes)
Drink 6 oz of water- I tried for a full 8 it ain't happen
Go to bed
Close eyes
Stay up thinking about all the things you have to accomplish this week-specifically tomorrow in your head and promptly get overwhelmed.
Open eyes
Think
Worry
Repeat

Yeah so it goes...