Recognition

So in the grand scheme of things, this is something that I have wanted for a while. On the bottom is the pic from our Enrollment Management Recognition Breakfast. I was recognized for my contribution to the work in the Financial Aid realm. I mean I guess this is a good thing, this lovely certificate.

The next pic is of my presentation at NASPA- specifically for their Symposium on Financial Literacy. Considering this is something I have been working on for over a year now- the Fin Ed work not the actual presentation, I think it rather cool to go to D.C. and present.

Moving on up in the world, I guess.

18 of them not bad..

Put "Yes" by the states you have been to...

The average is 8 for Americans. 

How do you match up?... not too bad

Alabama-

Alaska  

Arizona -

Arkansas 

California- yes

Colorado 

Connecticut - yes

Delaware - yes

Florida--yes

Georgia- yes

Hawaii  

Idaho  

Illinois -

Indiana-

Iowa  

Kansas -

Kentucky -

Louisiana - yes

Maine -

Maryland - yes

Massachusetts- yes

Michigan - 

Minnesota-

Mississippi--  

Missouri - 

Montana

Nebraska  

Nevada - yes  

New Hampshire -

New Jersey - yes

New Mexico -  

New York- yes

North Carolina - yes

North Dakota  

Ohio -

Oklahoma

Oregon  

Pennsylvania - yes

Rhode Island- yes

South Carolina- yes

South Dakota  

Tennessee - 

Texas-

Utah 

Vermont-

Virginia - yes

Washington State - 

Washington DC - yes

West Virginia - yes

Wisconsin - 

Wyoming

18 of them- not bad. 

I am almost semi well traveled

 (well not really...

 and not at all in them mid or red states because... 

well look at who is going to follow up 

President Barack Obama).

Time to fire up the airplane miles...

Me this year

Pictured are 12 'ME's that capture who I was being this 2016. 

There is a story behind everything that happened here- 

alas some pictures are worth more than 1,000 words... 

we shall see what this next year brings, right? 

Be blessed... 

that's all...

Tears in my eyes burn

Tears in my eyes burn

Because apparently prayer
repentance
remorseful feelings
past and
hurt
sorrow
future and
shortness of breath
migraines
ache
And physical pain
is not enough.
I'm not enough.

It is thru tears
I seek to find
clarity
in the prayers I cry at night.

I pray for my sanity
Because my thoughts of this life
Are crazy
And not in the ha-ha-you-so-crazy-girl
Kind of crazy way
But in the oh-there-are-people-locked-up-in-institutions-with-that-line-of-thought
kind of crazy
And
As someone who is conscientious about being conscious about my thoughts
And how they effect me
Affect others
And how I am trying to be sane
And safe
And satisfied
Everyday it is a struggle to remember
Who I am
And not question
Why
Am I
Because the hugest why is always looming over my thoughts
Actions
In- actions
Why God why

I pray for my health
Because
There are things that are there
but you know
just there and
I am supposed to remain calm and
keep going
as if things are not there
because you know
No.
Just keep going.
And because if I am healthy then I live.
Ironic
And
Alive.

I pray for companionship
And not in the platonic way
But then again
How dare I
Want
Need
Desire
Stop.

Then I pray for
less aloneness
For comfort in the noise
And for uncomfortable in the silence
Because
one can become accustomed
To
comfort in silence
And
uncomfortable noise.

So I pray for discernment
Absolution
Continued integrity
Courageously Authentically Responsibly
Wholly
Holy
While tears in my eyes burn
Salt streaking my skin
Following the tracks of
The last set of
Prayers I cried

And maybe someday
One day
In faith
My prayers will be answered
Hands cupping my face
Lips pressed to mine
Eyes seeking searching
For me
One day
Some day
The tears in my eyes
Won't burn
Anymore

Try

At this point in my life, 

and at this particular evening 

how about someone 

"try a little tenderness"

with me 

as in 

just try

really try

really just attempt

any tenderness 

with me

because 

i am afraid

that this
old heart of mine 

is failing 

at the lack of

love

and tenderness

in life.

that's all...

Sigh...

Honest words... Beau Taplin

I came across these random words

 in no particular order 

but somehow

 all have great meaning

 in my life

 at this particular time. 

(hell truthfully at many particular times)

And what is fascinating about these words

 is that they are there,

 mostly in black and white

 to see. 

And I read them aloud to hear, 

how they hit me. 

how they resonate with me 

how I want to deny them 

but hold them at the same time 

And how.. 

as I always say with words

They are completely fallible

and mischievous

and full of promise

at the same damn time.

And at some point

I am loosing it

And by it I mean any semblance of 'good' that I thought I was
Am
Are
Like for example,
here i am in this world living and working and going about my daily life.
I pray. Do good. Exercise more often than not. I consider myself kind, caring, etc (just so we are clear that does not mean if you are not these things as well you aren't as good and don't deserve) but basically all that stuff has lead me to this place of unsatisfactory being.
And in case you think I am magically praying for and waiting for a companion to 'save' me, complete me or whatever me you are beyond utterly mistaken about me and should cease immediately reading this blog.
No, here is what it is-
At some point there has to be an it's your turn- you get to go, you get to try this out (relationship/ male companionship/ possibly cohabitation/ lest we go into the realm of physical touch)
And at some point there has got to be an enough is enough of this singled life that you are living and working at.
And at some point you think wow, you could possibly be loved cause you certainly do love
and at some point you are entirely mistaken with that whole thing- but because you have some semblance of faith you preserver really well and even live and happen to enjoy most of the life you are building...
And at some point you look around at your family and friends and peers and thank god for them and think at some point you can too have something/ someone to share them with.
And at some point you don't know what point you get real good at not expecting it for you- whatever it is- cause that point you can't recognize at all.
And at some point you think about the things you are not- specifically someones choice. Someones reciprocal love. Someones risk. Someones heart.
And at some point you believe the things that society is saying about women like you- unattached, unwanted, undesirable and hell maybe even undeserved.
And at some point you kind of hope for the end to be nearer than the beginning cause this story can not fathom a happy ending.
At some point you stop feeling
And at some point you ask God to remove those desires from your wants because if it is not meant for you (children/ companionship, etc) then remove those wants from your heart and soul and you can refocus on other things that matter to other folks and leave those matters of the heart for those that need use of their heart.
at some point....

Quotes on love

"Never stop looking for what's not there"

&

"If you love me, your words should not hurt me"

stand out to me particularly on this night

Semi coffee thought for today...

Semi coffee thought for today:
Watched the movie magic mike XXL- and let me tell you something
There ain't bit a bit of believable plot in this movie here
However
The moves on one (or more) of these men there- I mean
Oh Lawd...
And maybe it is because of the lack of sexual anything in my life at
this time that them mens there looked ultra appealing
But i ain't mad at that.

that's all (too)...

...

 

I think it goes without saying 

but this is so 

powerful

just like prayer itself is powerful 

just like praying for others blessings is powerful

just like love itself is all powerful

 

 

I guess

I guess
You'll never know
How much this hurts me
But
This isn't about me
It's
You
And
I guess
You'll never know
How much I
...
But I guess
It doesn't matter
It isn't important
It is just
What it isn't
And
I guess
You'll never know
How much I
Wanted to tell you
Wanted to
You
...
But
Like I mentioned
It isn't about me
It's
You
And I guess...

I wanted... {30 for 30~ day 3}

I wanted
To be beauty in your eyes
I wanted
To be passion in your thighs
I wanted
To be eloquence on your tongue
I wanted
To be intelligence and the one.
I wanted to be desired by your lips
I wanted
To be inspired by your quips
I wanted
To be amazed by your Hips
I wanted
to be and loved
I wanted
To be mattered and deserved
Above all I wanted to be heard.
I wanted
To care
I wanted
you to dare
I wanted
You

Finding love at 115

Finding love at 115



Watching THE REAL (a crazy talk show) at 1:19am and they are chatting about this 115 year old woman who says the reason she has lasted this long alive is because she has avoided men. Say what? Is it like as in she ain't never had a man! No, she was married and then once he died she was thru with them- apparently they are more trouble than they are worth. It cracks me up to think that even at that age men (having them and being with them and etc) and then not having someone in her life romantically is  something she attributed to her longevity.
Now the ladies on the real (with exception to the 40 plus black lady) are married/ engaged and happily in love in some various form or another of love. So their view of the possibility of living this long without a partner or without love is something they (all the partnered people) could not fathom. The single lady pretty much let them all chat about the heartaches their men cause and the OMG can he just ______  [insert mundane task like pick up his socks or buy me more gifts or something trite and ridiculous that folks in relationships take for granted... Like the sole purpose of the male is to purchase her gifts is the one thing I am harping on... And the single gal says that sounds all great but do you hear what you sound like?]
 She made some silly joke and everyone haha'd but it left me thinking not everyone has the opportunity to have those moments. Not everyone has had the opportunity to have a person significant or otherwise in their lives for that reason. They looked like they pitied her (the 40 plus lady) and she (visibly upset by this) kept joking along.
What is the saying: laugh at my pain???
Anywho, thy were saying about the 115 year old who lived that long she must be sad and alone as maybe all her friends have died out or who can she talk to at 115 with no one to love? I found the conversation really one sided (relationship centered) as if a person (who has made it to 115 - lived, survived) could not be happy because there is none one to love her.
Really?
What about all her accomplishments? All her successes?
Apparently even at 115 they mean nothing if no man is attached to you...
Such is life...
but hey-- I can look forward to ~76 more years here at that rate...

Afternoon- random dreams

I write down my random dreams just to see where my mind is that day/night/season. Good thing I don't always put too much thought into it (cause a dream is something I cannot control with as much control I am trying to have in my daily life) Both dreams are just odd in the sense that some things I feel I know I feel (like a sense of not being heard) and some things I think I know I just don't know, and some folks in my dream I am wondering why they are there? Like who do they represent?
Eh...I'll leave it for the true dream interpreters to figure out. 


Afternoon
Woke up 3 pm
Dreamt that I was in VS and was looking for a tan waffle shirt long sleeve with pink writing. There was some other Caucasian girl there that was looking at the same thing but her small size was not there. HE appeared on my right side (headphones in) and I was like oh do you like this shirt? HE was like it's aight- but the random white chick asks the same thing and you go its looks sexy. I get annoyed but accepted it as 'whatever' because it's HE.
We walk to the back of the store and see a bunch of females running (in my hand I have picked up a cobalt blue hard makeup case) and we see this security guard (that is my Ex) chase this black girl into the bathroom. We are moving towards the registers and there are a few heavyset black women as cashiers (which does not fit the stereotypical VS mode). I go up to one to check the price of the case and before I can speak the Ex comes out with the female thief and is like are you going to pay for that (I mean I am at the register) and I am like what do you think (cause I am annoyed at his presence and that he is arresting this girl even tho she is obviously stealing) and he says, I was not talking to you I was talking to Him. So HE is apparently are stuffing female undergarments into a bag (black plastic garbage bag) and HE looks annoyed at him and say 'what do you think' . Ex says, well by putting it into a plastic bag, it looks like you are stealing it, I am about to intervene (I don't really know how or what to do) and before I turn towards HE the sales lady says to me 'do you have someone to talk to? You look like there is a lot going on and make sure you talk to that someone. ' let me give you my card' and she reaches for her card to give me (she is a psychic reader/medium etc) I am still waiting for the price and HE having heard all this go up next to me on the left and looks at her (so she can read Him) and she says you know you got a strong woman here (HE says I know) and she says and you tell her/ give her a lot to handle (HE says yes I do) she says make sure you know that (and implies that you make sure to tell her and show her you love her) I am like shaking my head and HE goes 'it just happened that way, but I get it. I will.
I am like what? What just happened? What HE get/ got? What should I know?
The Ex looks dejected and continues to arrest the poor girl, and continues to look at me disgusted (what did I do?) She gave the blue case to me HE puts His arm thru mine and we start walking out. I am confused, and HE says to me don't worry, we'll talk. HE walks out with the garbage bag full of ladies underwear (odd) but we get right outside the door of the VS store and HE turns to me and looks at me. I stop and stare at him like, Ok what? (and because it is a dream I put my right hand on my hip like do something/ say something). HE proceeds to put his srm around my waist and pulls me in to kiss him (which seems natural in the grand scheme of things) and I apparently do not resist. We (after a kiss or 12 lol) are standing in a room (not my room) and HE hands me the garbage bag of undies and says put this on- so I take the bag and look inside and it is something very risque in there that I am supposed to put on. As I leave to do what I am told these thoughts in my dream head are:
Wait- so I just am gonna go with this? And don't feel no way about it? And I am gonna just act like this is normal (us) and everyone is cool with this?
I woke up before I left the room to change clothes because even in my dreams....

Also had a second dream that we (the brothers and I) owned a white pedophile van, and it was burning (for some reason)  and all our equipment was in there and I was trying to get bro #1's attention so that we can all move from the van and be safe before it blew up. No one was listening to me, and I am watching the gas burn more, trying to calculate exactly how long before this entire thing goes up in smoke and then I die. I truly felt scared and had to wake myself up because I felt that if the car exploded in this dream, I would really not make it.

coffee thought...

Maybe it's a skittle...

(Or lack of coffee thoughts)
I got nothings- which is 50% true and 50% false cause I have 100% issues that are streaming in my head but 0% interest in spelling them out right on this train ride here... So first and foremost in my head is securing something warm so that I can focus on what's really important...

Oh, and someone lost their 'blue pill' on the train today... Hopefully it's just a temporary misplacement in the Matrix of it all... Hopefully it is not one of them 'other blue pills' because it is way too early in the morning to think about all that...

that's all...

Someday...

my love will say

and I will know

and trust

and love 

until then

i cry to the stars

and let the moonlight 

dance on my tears

that's all...

Trust

umm hmmm hmmm

right about now

i'm gonna need you to trust

trust what is happening between us

and

right about now

i'm gonna need you to feel

feel these emotions that fill the silence

and

right about now

i'm gonna need you to love

love every bit of me

and

right about know

i'm gonna need you to know

know that this is right

and

right about now

i'm gonna need you to taste

taste every piece of me like sin

and

right about now

i'm gonna need you

you

inside me

you

next to me

you

over me

you

behind me

you

holding me

you

touching me

you

licking me

you

sucking me

you

stroking me

you

fucking me

you

kissing me

you

loving me

and

right about now

i'm gonna need

ummm hmmm hmmm

being honest...

today, i have done nothing remotely productive and it is almost noon.
well...
i did wake up.
i did wash dishes.
i did make an egg white omelette
i did make coffee.
i didn't wash those dishes yet.
but i mean i have been sitting on my couch for the past hour or so thinking about
motherhood.
that (motherhood) is apparently one hood I am not invited to.
oh yeah, i have heard more times than i can remember that i would make a great mother someday and i am a fabulous aunty/ godmother/ motherfigure etc etc but the reality is
it is something that i am actively sad about (really) as i sit here and read these wonderful posts about babys' first steps
being a momma to a little boy
being a momma to a little girl
feeling kicks in the belly for the first time
the joys (and pains) of labor
baby kisses
random songs about sheep
random hugs because you a momma
bedtime prayers with the little one
legacy
love
just stuff...
so as i sit here thinking about all that stuff (and reading about it/ seeing it on my timeline & newsfeed/ getting texts about it from friends & family) i wonder
why not me?
what does God have in store for me?
of course i am not supposed to question Gods will (or can i considering he gave us free will)
but then why give me all these life skills and anatomical 'things' complete with monthly reminders that "you too could be a mother but you have not had sex or gotten pregnant this month therefore we are going to cause you the utmost amount of pain humanly tolerable complete with vomiting, nausea, soreness, dizziness, cramps and moodiness as a reminder of what you are not"
i guess this is what it is supposed to be (for right now)
maybe i have a bigger purpose (maybe..but specifically what?)
maybe...
that's all...

What gets me

Is that you are currently
the last one I speak to at night
and
the first one I talk to in the morning.
You randomly sing songs
of love
to me...
Yet I cannot love you.
When I am next to you
I cannot touch you.
I cannot reach you.
You are so far away
from what I need
Or what I thought I need
I need...
I want...
What do I want?
You are...

What gets me
But can never get me
You