Horoscope: Gemini: July 31st, 2018

Release from restrictive circumstances and pressures is the key issue of this time period. 

Obligations and responsibilities are not so demanding now, 

and you are able to enjoy a greater level of freedom in your daily life.

Peeves... not the ghost

If you have ever wondered what one of the things that grinds my gears and really really pisses me off would be- either to avoid doing it or to testing the theory-- it is while I am on the phone with you in full fledged conversation. I am speaking. I am making a point (most likely there is a story involved)
and what do you do?
One of two things:

• YOU COMPLETELY IGNORE ME and START TALKING OVER ME WITH SOME COMPLETELY UNRELATED TOPIC- like if I am stating my feeling about my day or what is going on and you then decide to be like oh, have you seen the new Childish Gambino/Beyoncé video? Uhhh, sir/ madame are you fucking kidding me? We were not even talking about  Donald Glover or Beyoncé and why is that what you are switching the conversation to?
• YOU START TALKING TO SOMEONE ELSE IN FULL FLEDGED CONVERSATION WHILE I AM TALKING AS IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PHONE TO YOUR EAR TALKING TO ME (I am not talking about if people start talking to you because that sometimes happens- but if you proceed to hold a damn conversation with them- I ain't En Vogue, I do not Hold On')

Is my issue/ voice/ concerns not important enough for you? Does my voice annoy you?
I am positive we have had enough of the counseling-of-you-time on this call and now I would like the balance of friendship to tilt in my favor during this conversation and NO- this is too hard for you to handle.
 Legit I do two things:

• I go silent
• I get off the phone

It is obvi that my presence is not needed in this one sided friendship so let me excuse myself politely (cause manners still count) and be on my way. I will talk to myself in the damn mirror before I begin to have a conversation of any depth with you again, thanks!
Old habits die hard- so I give people more chances than they deserve, but once I get the hint- boy oh boy.
Message received.
Case closed.
Not to be continued.

that's all...

oh, don't try this at home. with me. ever.
thanks.

Are you kidding

This Presidency is a mockery of justice and equity and all the progress that has been made thru the years. Because with the craziness of the world we need this too? Absurdity at it's core. This administration needs to focus on it's efforts of progressing the nation as a whole. 

Pray for us. 

that's all...

Random...

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

Here I am again.
Both brothers in the hospital dealing with amputation and sanity in their forms of illnesses that have been manifesting over the years
and
here I am trying not to be the visiting nurse service because my mentals cannot take this.
My sanity cannot handle this.
I seriously think they coordinate this bi-monthly series of visits and short to long stays in the hospitals and mental institutions respectively out of a lack of anything else to do
or
 just cause it's Tuesday
or
just cause some days they may be bored.
I know that sounds cruel and i am quite possibly writing this out of some anger or upsetness or some not right thinking in my head.
But- as of right now,  I am seriously not this strong black woman that I have been for upwards of three decades now.
It is tiresome-
And I am tired. I am exhausted. I am beat.
I am also just not sure how much more I am supposed to give when I legitimately have nothing left. Maybe if I had a stronger heart or stronger soul or a stronger mind I could do this.
Alone.
 Like I have been.
And in all my aloneness I have dealt with many an issue.
But now, at this time. I can not. I will not. I shall not.
I have to take care of me right this minute because my care of me cannot be entrusted to anyone else- I mean who else is there for me?
And if I do not choose me, then why on earth would...
At any rate, I know my faith in the Lord has carried me and will continue to do so.
That is all I got.
But even the Lord got a day of rest.
Even the Lord wants us to take care of ourselves and all that jazz. 

Cause I am not the one for this foolishness.

And call me selfish.
Call me making this about me.
Call me not being a good sister, friend, granddaughter, whatever.
Call me anything anyone wants to call me.
But don't call me for that shit.
that's all...

And at some point

I am loosing it

And by it I mean any semblance of 'good' that I thought I was
Am
Are
Like for example,
here i am in this world living and working and going about my daily life.
I pray. Do good. Exercise more often than not. I consider myself kind, caring, etc (just so we are clear that does not mean if you are not these things as well you aren't as good and don't deserve) but basically all that stuff has lead me to this place of unsatisfactory being.
And in case you think I am magically praying for and waiting for a companion to 'save' me, complete me or whatever me you are beyond utterly mistaken about me and should cease immediately reading this blog.
No, here is what it is-
At some point there has to be an it's your turn- you get to go, you get to try this out (relationship/ male companionship/ possibly cohabitation/ lest we go into the realm of physical touch)
And at some point there has got to be an enough is enough of this singled life that you are living and working at.
And at some point you think wow, you could possibly be loved cause you certainly do love
and at some point you are entirely mistaken with that whole thing- but because you have some semblance of faith you preserver really well and even live and happen to enjoy most of the life you are building...
And at some point you look around at your family and friends and peers and thank god for them and think at some point you can too have something/ someone to share them with.
And at some point you don't know what point you get real good at not expecting it for you- whatever it is- cause that point you can't recognize at all.
And at some point you think about the things you are not- specifically someones choice. Someones reciprocal love. Someones risk. Someones heart.
And at some point you believe the things that society is saying about women like you- unattached, unwanted, undesirable and hell maybe even undeserved.
And at some point you kind of hope for the end to be nearer than the beginning cause this story can not fathom a happy ending.
At some point you stop feeling
And at some point you ask God to remove those desires from your wants because if it is not meant for you (children/ companionship, etc) then remove those wants from your heart and soul and you can refocus on other things that matter to other folks and leave those matters of the heart for those that need use of their heart.
at some point....

you sound stupid....

I

am

so

sick and tired of folks 

and 

their dumbass attempts 

at news 

on the backs of really 

culturally

APPROPRIATING BLACK PEOPLE

and their accomplishments

or hairstyles 

or features 

or music

or anything for that matter

and calling it theirs

and

profiting 

and everything

just stop. 

Thanks, 

Management

thinking thoughts about things i tend to think about

thinking thoughts about things i tend to think about

and that is a lot of things to say the least

but right now, 

this current date, 5/20/15 

i am thinking about

me

i try not to think about me

 (at all) 

because at a young age

 i was told that thinking about yourself 

leads to narcissism 

and i didn't want to become someone 

that no one could love (except for herself).

and I know that it is interesting 

because 

i try to be someone that promotes 

love of self

 and acceptance

 and acceptance of ourselves

 and others

 yet i definitely leave me out of the equation 

how's that for simply complicated math?

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

Sigh. Incomprehensible
It is not like I can follow instructions such as
Backup
Update
Sync
Presto change-o
You should have a new phone all shiny and new and synced with all your
loverly conversations and pictures and life.
Welp
That has not gone as planned after 4 days of trying to get this dammed
gold phone and then an hour in the Apple Store.
Now, as it stands I can only make 911 calls (which in the grand scheme
of things ain't all that bad) and possibly a FaceTime or 2. Texting.
Nope. Who knows if this blog will go thru
that's all...


Sent from my iPhone

{30 for 30 ~ day 8}

There are

Some days

Where I

Wish my

Silence was

Visible for

You to

See

Because

On those

Days I

Tend to

Speak louder

Than I

Need to

So that

I can

Confuse you

And then

You won't

Hear my

Deafening cries

so sorry

So sorry to have intruded on your life. 

Won't happen again.

Sent from my iPhone

coffee thought...

Coffee thought

I sit and wonder is it worth it?

I am trying to be

The best person I can be

I am helpful

Sympathetic

Empathetic

I am funny

Sarcastic

Intelligent

Hell, I'm a charming motherfucker.

But I am just

Not

Enough

Black Heirlooms- short doc

So tonight I sat on a panel discussing wealth and the African American community- specifically how first year college students identify and can access and utilize it. What are these conversations like and how do we all bridge the gap (economically and socially etc). We screened a film called 'black heirlooms' and it was a great conversation starting point about how you begin to discuss intergenerational wealth and passing that (well, defining that and then understanding what it is then passing it down) and having them talks. You be surprised (and the again maybe not) about the lack of knowledge and thought that we as a people culture and race do pass down (intentionally) and the things that we pass down unintentionally. Consciousness is key with these actions. Speaking about estate planning and have talks about what your wishes are- with yourself as well as with your possessions are important. I was very very happy to be asked to contribute to the conversation- I thought I did well.
Well, what am I feeling now? I am feeling a bit of relief that I did that and a bit of accomplishment and yeah. Proud moment.
Then again (on the other side of me) I am feeling
A little sad that no one cared to come see me speak (there goes that support I be looking for) and no one was there to encourage me or critique me or applaud for me or anything (for me)
BUT
I know that God sees me thru and watched over me. I also know my parents witnessed this and were present in their own way. Such is life. Even in a happy point I look for the other shoe to drop.

What is really ridiculous

What is really ridiculous

is the actions of my family

and the unmitigated gall

they have for their actions.

So bro #1 didn't show up to to help me move.

He blatantly didn't show up.

Ignored the calls/ email / text and voicemail.

And didn't call to say nothing for a week.

Really.

 Like that's OK.

 Really I don't ask for nothing from them.

I don't trouble them for anything

(and get called on it)

yet when I talk about this move

and schedule time

and inform people etc

this is who you are.

I see you.

 I acknowledge you.

 Now watch my reaction to you.

Done.

Day 11- 30 for 30 [National Poetry Month]

I am not a fan
Of manipulative behaviors

I do not like
That you say what you want
To get what you want
Just because you want
It

I am not a fan
Of your dishonesty

It is easier to lie
For your pleasure
Than to tell the truth
For me

I am not a fan
Of your presence

Your character is flawed
Your actions are weak
Your existence is worthless
To me

I am not a fan
Of you
Anymore