Recognition

So in the grand scheme of things, this is something that I have wanted for a while. On the bottom is the pic from our Enrollment Management Recognition Breakfast. I was recognized for my contribution to the work in the Financial Aid realm. I mean I guess this is a good thing, this lovely certificate.

The next pic is of my presentation at NASPA- specifically for their Symposium on Financial Literacy. Considering this is something I have been working on for over a year now- the Fin Ed work not the actual presentation, I think it rather cool to go to D.C. and present.

Moving on up in the world, I guess.

coffee thought...

3/15/16
Beware the idea of March? Maybe ? I don't know...
My Caesar is off.
Sooooo
What's been going on in my life?
I don't know where to begin with all the things that have been done in the past couple of weeks...
all I know is that
I.
Am
someone
who needs attention.
 And not in a bad way or anything but simple acknowledgement and being listened to and kindness will go a long way. like for real a long way...
I mean these are the simple things that a person requires in life, right??  
I do not think I am asking for too much- I mean maybe attention is not the right word to describe it but you get what I mean.
care
courtesy
kindness
thoughtfulness
responsiveness (all these things Webster's dictionary describe as synonyms for attention!)
So yeah, between family and friends one of my biggest pet peeves is their lack of attention.  And I mean at times when it is evident that attention is required
(maybe I should make a tee shirt...)
I mean when I am talking to you or telling you my issues or my day or whatever
and immediately it is recognized that you are not paying attention....
'your mind is elsewhere'
or you switch topics and change the subject or ask some random thing
that is further from what I am talking about-
and maybe it is relevant to you-
like you are walking across the street and a car out of no where is about to hit you-
by all means we need to discuss this matter.
But when I am speaking- to anyone-- be it at work or at home or on the damn subway it irks me to feel like I am not being heard.
Like my voice does not matter.
That whatever it is I am speaking about has no importance to you- at this moment- or in general
and that you could care less.
And me- being the only me I know how to be - stops.
As in of course I stop talking and listen to whatever it is you are saying.
Do I go back to what I had to say?
9/10 times no. Because why?
Obviously you don't want to hear it -- or let's just say it's not that-- but obviously you cannot set aside you and your issues (ego) to spare a moment for your sibling (me) or your friend (me).
Me.
At any rate.
This is what I have noticed lately.
And I call folks on it. They laugh it off
Somehow sometimes
I do not find it funny.
But them is the facts of life.
What am I gonna do?
Oh, I'm me. You know.
The me that is a closed book to the world.
It suits me for now.
Because apparently this story is above comprehension on some levels...
And this chapter is not for public consumption..
Who knows.
that's all...

Family

Family...Is the cause of joy and equal amounts of heartache and pain and my family in particular is one hell of a peoples.

For the past 2 weeks I have been dealing with my siblings in the hospital- one with congestive heart failure and one with the mental issues that have plagued him and I am trying trying trying to just breathe
I am trying (and feeling like I am failing) at being the good sister to them both because what does that even look like? I mean I am sympathetic and empathetic and am worrying about the well being of both of them and I am trying to coordinate care and information sharing between the two and don't even get me started on the 'fiancée ' or whatever that is because welcome- you want the title well here is the responsibility and all that comes along with that partnership. I mean some days I feel for her and wonder what she got herself into and other days I am like 6 years in hey step it up, right?
And the other one that wants what he wants (ex/ his apartment) and the detrimental issues that come along with that.
What is this sister to do?
I pray and call and visit (although truthful I have not been to the mental hospital because I may want to stay myself ) thru all I am going thru with work and friends and feelings and

EMOTIONS AND ALONENESS.

Yes. In all caps. Bold. 28 font. All that.

I selfishly want someone here for me to comfort me and support me thru these trials- hell I have been the major support for the majority of the folks in my life yet when it comes to me- here I am. I don't know how much longer I can do this - superwoman and strong blackwoman facade because talk about impostor syndrome.
And all I want to do is cry but physically I'm not able to do that because I can't
And I can't
And I can't have these thoughts of not getting up and just staying where I am and not doing
Cause I am not allowed to be the one that needs help and I am not the one who is allowed to ask for anything for me from anyone I am the one who has to figure it out- for myself and for everyone else around me and I am the one who has to be responsible and be... Together
But separate
Funny.
Family... The family that could or would be there to support or whatever thru this is no where to be found- at the first sign of disruption to the wonderful image presented dropped like flies. Which I mean is great since you get a sense of where people stand with you, right?
So, you also get a clear picture that the sacrifices and things you did for others is NOT anything that can be reciprocated for me.
Remember that
And you know at the time I was sacrificing my time and presence and things for folks I was not doing that for anyone or any thoughts or anything it was just something that needed to be done and I did it. Others was out and about living their life and I was there. I was present.
I
I was a damned fool.
But hey, one life to live and lesson learned.
Too bad tho
I would have enjoyed my life too ya know
But I digress
And here I stand- balancing precariously the health and decisions (the sisterly ones) I can make for one brother while doing the same for the other.
And I want my mother and father here- selfishly for me
Selfishness is a great trait of mine.
Because I tend to want what I want when I want it (of course working for it) and yet, always keeping in mind the fairness of it all
But selfishly wanting them to say

Hey, you doing alright baby

You are good (enough)

You are worthy of love even...

You are beautiful

And you are ... Ok

But
Those are words I will never hear from their lips again
And my solace (like a broken record) is the fact that she is no longer in pain
And my strength is (was) the things I thought I could do
But realizing
I am not special
And I am not capable
And I am just faking the funk
Just waking up
Here
Not even present
Just here
Again

Sometimes...

Sometimes

I just love it when a friend actually recognizes when life is getting me down and takes the time out to just send a little reminder ...
And I remember, and I am thankful for the blessing that they are.
❤️
that's all...

coffee thought ...

Thinking about numbers in life- today being 9/11 and all.

This number is etched permanently in my brain- 

just like some of the other numbers of importance in my life:

5/23

16

4/08

1/13

8/25

4/05

10/23

3

0

These numbers do not mean anything to most people

 but have very significant meanings to me.

 But back to the original number I am mentioning today-

 many years ago

 people's lives were changed drastically on this date. 

Everyone remembers where they were

 and what they were doing 

and who they were living with 

and who they were loving with

and when the Towers fell

everyone remembered how they were getting home

and who they were looking for 

and what emotions were being felt

and who was missing

and who was never found

and what was never said

 and many things like that. 

Many people made dramatic choices as a result of that day- 

there were a few weddings and life changing plans because of it all--

 and this is not to say that these events would not have eventually happened- 

it is just that when you see destruction and tragedy at hand

one tends to revis their own mortality and place in the world.

So with all that being said...

 What have we accomplished since then?

 Individually

 and as a whole nation

 what has been done to uplift and advance this society? 

What have we done to bring us all together

 in a way that was prevalent that day

 (and yes people tend to bond over tragedies...

and there were a fair few directives and initiatives made

 and some resolute actions are decided on

 because of the emotions of the time...)

What have we gained since then? 

Not only physically

 but spiritually and emotionally

 and just what are we doing?

As a whole, I have no clue anymore

 I used to have a fuller broader and wider breath of emotions to spare for the world 

for all humanity 

however when I have nothing left for me

 I have nothing left to give.

All those number mean something to me.

 Important.

Of Importance.

but what do they add up to?

that's all...

note to self... words I found

"It's easy to feel uncared for when people 

aren't able to communicate and connect with you 

in the way you need.

 And it's so hard 

not to internalize that silence 

as a reflection on your worth. 

But the truth is 

that the way other people operate 

is not about you. 

Most people are so caught up 

in their own responsibilities, struggles, and anxiety 

that the thought of asking someone else 

how they're doing doesn't even cross their mind.

 They aren't inherently bad 

or uncaring—they're just busy and self-focused.

 And that's okay.

 It's not evidence of some fundamental failing on your part. 

It doesn't make you unloveable or invisible. 

It just means that those people 

aren't very good 

at looking beyond their own world. 

But the fact that you are—

that despite the darkness you feel,

 you have the ability to share your love 

and light with others—

is a strength. 

Your work isn't to change who you are;

 it's to find people who are able to give you 

the connection you need. 

Because despite what you feel, 

you are not too much. 

You are not too sensitive or too needy. 

You are thoughtful and empathetic.

 You are compassionate and kind. 

And with or without anyone's acknowledgement or affection, 

you are enough."

I wanted... {30 for 30~ day 3}

I wanted
To be beauty in your eyes
I wanted
To be passion in your thighs
I wanted
To be eloquence on your tongue
I wanted
To be intelligence and the one.
I wanted to be desired by your lips
I wanted
To be inspired by your quips
I wanted
To be amazed by your Hips
I wanted
to be and loved
I wanted
To be mattered and deserved
Above all I wanted to be heard.
I wanted
To care
I wanted
you to dare
I wanted
You

coffee thought...

coffee thought...
Back from the NASPA conference in New Orleans, Louisiana. While the
conference was intriguing and informative and really made me think
about the possibilities of a terminal degree for me (paging Dr. Bean
anyone?) it also made me examine some of the biases and expectations
of this Student Affairs field that I am in.
The other night when I couldn't sleep or really speak to anyone about
my issues (any of the 1,023 of em)- it really made me wonder if I
wonder too much or if I over think things pertaining to the many things beyond
my control.
So I think about my journey/ path into higher education and how I got
here. Some know my story, most don't. Cool. But now that I am here- 15 years later- where am I? Am I where I thought I could be? Am I where I wanted to be? Am I where I am going to end up? Or am I just here?
So examination and reflection periodically is key to constant forward motion. ( I mean you have to know where you are to know how to move from there, right? This is precisely why on a map there is a you are here marker) and with that being said, I think of a bow and arrow- to properly shoot a bow and arrow you have to take aim, position yourself- retract the arrow and release. Did you hear me? You pull the arrow back to go forward. SO where do I go back (as in go back to school?/ do I take a lesser position somewhere else with a pay cut?) to go forward?? And what does forward look like?

Hell, where am I and are we there yet at the same damn time??

that's all...

Whose left...?

Whose Left to Love the Black Woman?

This is a line from being Mary Jane that is resonating with me at this moment (getting caught up on all the craziness that is this show about a 38 yr old successful African-American woman who cannot find love/ man/ kids to complete   love her & make up the perfect picture of her life that she dreamed of - and the life that folks think makes you complete with all them things because if you do not have all them things you are not enough)
Anywho... this statement is because she was chatting with a very successful African-American male and he said something to the effect that African American men are targeted in this society (true) and it is more so than the women which is why they choose white women because they show them love (something asinine came out his mouth in this show) and she said while ya'll men running around being victims and choosing the white women who (some) helped create and foster the threatening stereotype of the African- American man who is left to love the Black Woman?
Considering she has to be all things to everyone (strong, intelligent, resilient, caring, nurturing, amazing, powerful, educated, sexy & chaste at the same time) who is left to handle all that?
I found that to be a good question (not that I agree all black males are running to white women) but I agree that with the perceived or real lack of good qualified men out there 
where does that leave me? whose left?
and just like the last piece of random food on a plate (already picked over and passed over and not wanted) does that mean I take 'what's left'? Are we (I) running out of options and should I be looking into a new kind of meal?
Hmmm... i believe i have lost my appetite...

that's all...

Crusin..

I'm in that kind of mood where I want to be 

Crusin with my love, 

carefree and in love, 

just being cool..

enjoying each other

even in the silence...

Baby let's cruise away from here
Don't be confused baby, the way is clear
And if you want it you got it forever
Oh, this is not a one night stand baby

Let the music take your mind
And just release and you will find, baby

We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Baby, tonight belongs to us
Everything's right, do what you must, baby
And inch by inch we get closer and closer
Every little part of each other ooh, baby, baby

Let the music take your mind
Just release and you will find, baby

We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together

We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together

Cruise with me baby, baby
Oh baby

Oh baby let's cruise, let's flow
Let's glide, let's open up and go inside
And if you want it you got it forever
I can just stay there inside you and love you, baby

Let the music take your mind
And just release and you will find

We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together

We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together

We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together

We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together

coffee thought...

Coffee thought

I sit and wonder is it worth it?

I am trying to be

The best person I can be

I am helpful

Sympathetic

Empathetic

I am funny

Sarcastic

Intelligent

Hell, I'm a charming motherfucker.

But I am just

Not

Enough

Black Heirlooms- short doc

So tonight I sat on a panel discussing wealth and the African American community- specifically how first year college students identify and can access and utilize it. What are these conversations like and how do we all bridge the gap (economically and socially etc). We screened a film called 'black heirlooms' and it was a great conversation starting point about how you begin to discuss intergenerational wealth and passing that (well, defining that and then understanding what it is then passing it down) and having them talks. You be surprised (and the again maybe not) about the lack of knowledge and thought that we as a people culture and race do pass down (intentionally) and the things that we pass down unintentionally. Consciousness is key with these actions. Speaking about estate planning and have talks about what your wishes are- with yourself as well as with your possessions are important. I was very very happy to be asked to contribute to the conversation- I thought I did well.
Well, what am I feeling now? I am feeling a bit of relief that I did that and a bit of accomplishment and yeah. Proud moment.
Then again (on the other side of me) I am feeling
A little sad that no one cared to come see me speak (there goes that support I be looking for) and no one was there to encourage me or critique me or applaud for me or anything (for me)
BUT
I know that God sees me thru and watched over me. I also know my parents witnessed this and were present in their own way. Such is life. Even in a happy point I look for the other shoe to drop.

I won't

I won't
Relive the day
or the tragedies that followed
Because I would have done that
over and over again
for the many years to follow
Still...
I won't relive the hurt
and the sorrow that occurred
Because those things never truly go away,
now do they?
I won't relive the heroism
because in direct relation to that heroism
is the constant threat and fear
we stay in.
Orange level alerts and
high terror threats
are no way
to live life.
I won't relive the promises made
Because even those
were buried away
when the dust that settled
Never spoken of again
Mysterious.
I will remember
I won't
ever forget.

9/11

Some people (me) never change

As in 
My conscious still carries me thru the random acts of un-kindness I try to pull. Remember how bro#1 ain't show up- and how mad I was (am) about that- yes still am mad at that. To be clear, I am over the whole move thing cause whatever I am moved in- there ain't no changing that. Those that were there were there (in whatever way they could and in whatever capacity they could). I am still mad- no really hurt- by his actions toward me making me feel insignificant and not worth it (his time I guess or his presence). And I ultimately allowed my value or my perception of my value and worth be diminished because of this action. So to be honest I am mad at me for feeling. Period. But anywho, skipping over all that, homeboy is in the hospital (since Wednesday) and #1 I haven't gone to see him. And #2 part of me is like "oh, so now you need ME, huh? So Now you would like someone to show up for you, huh? How does it feel to expect that of your sibling and..." You get the point. Well, my conscious is like "bitch please act like you were raised better than to be a petty ass person and be who you are- someone who still shows up irregardless of what the next persons actions or motives are."

You. Are. Better. Than. That. 

Yeah yeah my conscious needs to go to hell sometimes...
But she has a way of annoying me, so I asked this person I have grown to trust their opinion (not that I have to follow said opinion it is just good to have other opinions- is what I told myself) turns out they kinda intelligent and kinda said they would show up and stay for like 10-15 minutes and move on their way-- by doing this they would be doing 'the right thing by family and all and still keeping my word to myself as who I claim to be (the person who is not like the others and is caring and stuff) and I can go about my business with a clean conscious.
And so, I am.
I did.
I showed up.
We chatted. His girl was there. We all chatted. I guess he was happy to see me. I stayed for an hour. I left. I guess people don't change, no matter how mad and evil and unkind I was trying to be to prove a point and whatnot.
To top it off it is bro #2 birthday. He is out with one of his partners in crime. Yay.
Smh.
I do hope I learn my lesson.