After today, that is the truth.
What I do know is that
God is good
All the time
and
All the time
God is good.
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Monday, January 23, 2017
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
Thursday, September 08, 2016
I think I know where...
I think I know where I fucked up...
It would have to be karate kid part 2 theme song came out. The words happen to have something in there about
Now, taken individually out of context these are just words to support a kick ass storyline about this dude rescuing this girl and them falling in love innocently and stuff-- but when you put those words in the psyche of a ___ year old impressionable pre-teen whose hormones are raging and whose dream of love had yet to be fulfilled (in whatever way a teenager gets their dreams fulfilled) this thought process sticks with you as you get older.
And you are more aware
You are more aware of what you want in a man- not only for a man who will 'fight for your honor' (and I do not mean in some janky ancient Chinese ritual) but in the way they will fight to be with you- stand by you and with you when you are acting in a way that calls for less than a loving manner, and he will stand by you when you are excelling and accomplishing some real black-woman- magic shit, and he will stand by you when you are in danger and are falling. A man who will be proud to have you and know that YES you are worth IT. So, I assumed somewhere in my mind I equated this song to something of a great comparison to what I wanted to feel when I finally felt love.
These ideals kinda transpire in the way I evaluate a man to be able to be partnerable- because all of the things I wish a man to do for/with me I will be doing for/with him (like support and love and comfort and womanly stuff, ya know?)
And it stuck.
Funny thing about 90's music. It's old.
And in recognizing the age of the music and the movie soundtrack you also get to thinking these ideals of love and a man who will fight for your honor are just as old and antiquated and obsolete when unfortunately due to the rampant fragility of some black male ego these days, black men wont even claim you, stand up and fight for our equality and fight for our presence, safety, rights et. al...
but... it's good to know where I fucked up in the 'game' thinking that is truth...it is actually entertainment and a good movie.
It would have to be karate kid part 2 theme song came out. The words happen to have something in there about
I'll be the man
Who will fight for your honor
I'll be your hero
You've been dreaming of
We'll be together
Knowing forever
That we did it all
For the glory of love
Now, taken individually out of context these are just words to support a kick ass storyline about this dude rescuing this girl and them falling in love innocently and stuff-- but when you put those words in the psyche of a ___ year old impressionable pre-teen whose hormones are raging and whose dream of love had yet to be fulfilled (in whatever way a teenager gets their dreams fulfilled) this thought process sticks with you as you get older.
And you are more aware
You are more aware of what you want in a man- not only for a man who will 'fight for your honor' (and I do not mean in some janky ancient Chinese ritual) but in the way they will fight to be with you- stand by you and with you when you are acting in a way that calls for less than a loving manner, and he will stand by you when you are excelling and accomplishing some real black-woman- magic shit, and he will stand by you when you are in danger and are falling. A man who will be proud to have you and know that YES you are worth IT. So, I assumed somewhere in my mind I equated this song to something of a great comparison to what I wanted to feel when I finally felt love.
These ideals kinda transpire in the way I evaluate a man to be able to be partnerable- because all of the things I wish a man to do for/with me I will be doing for/with him (like support and love and comfort and womanly stuff, ya know?)
And it stuck.
Funny thing about 90's music. It's old.
And in recognizing the age of the music and the movie soundtrack you also get to thinking these ideals of love and a man who will fight for your honor are just as old and antiquated and obsolete when unfortunately due to the rampant fragility of some black male ego these days, black men wont even claim you, stand up and fight for our equality and fight for our presence, safety, rights et. al...
but... it's good to know where I fucked up in the 'game' thinking that is truth...it is actually entertainment and a good movie.
Monday, February 08, 2016
Family
Family...Is the cause of joy and equal amounts of heartache and pain and my family in particular is one hell of a peoples.
For the past 2 weeks I have been dealing with my siblings in the hospital- one with congestive heart failure and one with the mental issues that have plagued him and I am trying trying trying to just breathe
I am trying (and feeling like I am failing) at being the good sister to them both because what does that even look like? I mean I am sympathetic and empathetic and am worrying about the well being of both of them and I am trying to coordinate care and information sharing between the two and don't even get me started on the 'fiancée ' or whatever that is because welcome- you want the title well here is the responsibility and all that comes along with that partnership. I mean some days I feel for her and wonder what she got herself into and other days I am like 6 years in hey step it up, right?
And the other one that wants what he wants (ex/ his apartment) and the detrimental issues that come along with that.
What is this sister to do?
I pray and call and visit (although truthful I have not been to the mental hospital because I may want to stay myself ) thru all I am going thru with work and friends and feelings and
And all I want to do is cry but physically I'm not able to do that because I can't
And I can't
And I can't have these thoughts of not getting up and just staying where I am and not doing
Cause I am not allowed to be the one that needs help and I am not the one who is allowed to ask for anything for me from anyone I am the one who has to figure it out- for myself and for everyone else around me and I am the one who has to be responsible and be... Together
But separate
Funny.
Family... The family that could or would be there to support or whatever thru this is no where to be found- at the first sign of disruption to the wonderful image presented dropped like flies. Which I mean is great since you get a sense of where people stand with you, right?
So, you also get a clear picture that the sacrifices and things you did for others is NOT anything that can be reciprocated for me.
Remember that
And you know at the time I was sacrificing my time and presence and things for folks I was not doing that for anyone or any thoughts or anything it was just something that needed to be done and I did it. Others was out and about living their life and I was there. I was present.
I
I was a damned fool.
But hey, one life to live and lesson learned.
Too bad tho
I would have enjoyed my life too ya know
But I digress
And here I stand- balancing precariously the health and decisions (the sisterly ones) I can make for one brother while doing the same for the other.
And I want my mother and father here- selfishly for me
Selfishness is a great trait of mine.
Because I tend to want what I want when I want it (of course working for it) and yet, always keeping in mind the fairness of it all
But selfishly wanting them to say
Those are words I will never hear from their lips again
And my solace (like a broken record) is the fact that she is no longer in pain
And my strength is (was) the things I thought I could do
But realizing
I am not special
And I am not capable
And I am just faking the funk
Just waking up
Here
Not even present
Just here
Again
For the past 2 weeks I have been dealing with my siblings in the hospital- one with congestive heart failure and one with the mental issues that have plagued him and I am trying trying trying to just breathe
I am trying (and feeling like I am failing) at being the good sister to them both because what does that even look like? I mean I am sympathetic and empathetic and am worrying about the well being of both of them and I am trying to coordinate care and information sharing between the two and don't even get me started on the 'fiancée ' or whatever that is because welcome- you want the title well here is the responsibility and all that comes along with that partnership. I mean some days I feel for her and wonder what she got herself into and other days I am like 6 years in hey step it up, right?
And the other one that wants what he wants (ex/ his apartment) and the detrimental issues that come along with that.
What is this sister to do?
I pray and call and visit (although truthful I have not been to the mental hospital because I may want to stay myself ) thru all I am going thru with work and friends and feelings and
EMOTIONS AND ALONENESS.
Yes. In all caps. Bold. 28 font. All that.
I selfishly want someone here for me to comfort me and support me thru these trials- hell I have been the major support for the majority of the folks in my life yet when it comes to me- here I am. I don't know how much longer I can do this - superwoman and strong blackwoman facade because talk about impostor syndrome.
And all I want to do is cry but physically I'm not able to do that because I can't
And I can't
And I can't have these thoughts of not getting up and just staying where I am and not doing
Cause I am not allowed to be the one that needs help and I am not the one who is allowed to ask for anything for me from anyone I am the one who has to figure it out- for myself and for everyone else around me and I am the one who has to be responsible and be... Together
But separate
Funny.
Family... The family that could or would be there to support or whatever thru this is no where to be found- at the first sign of disruption to the wonderful image presented dropped like flies. Which I mean is great since you get a sense of where people stand with you, right?
So, you also get a clear picture that the sacrifices and things you did for others is NOT anything that can be reciprocated for me.
Remember that
And you know at the time I was sacrificing my time and presence and things for folks I was not doing that for anyone or any thoughts or anything it was just something that needed to be done and I did it. Others was out and about living their life and I was there. I was present.
I
I was a damned fool.
But hey, one life to live and lesson learned.
Too bad tho
I would have enjoyed my life too ya know
But I digress
And here I stand- balancing precariously the health and decisions (the sisterly ones) I can make for one brother while doing the same for the other.
And I want my mother and father here- selfishly for me
Selfishness is a great trait of mine.
Because I tend to want what I want when I want it (of course working for it) and yet, always keeping in mind the fairness of it all
But selfishly wanting them to say
Hey, you doing alright baby
You are good (enough)
You are worthy of love even...
You are beautiful
And you are ... Ok
But
Those are words I will never hear from their lips again
And my solace (like a broken record) is the fact that she is no longer in pain
And my strength is (was) the things I thought I could do
But realizing
I am not special
And I am not capable
And I am just faking the funk
Just waking up
Here
Not even present
Just here
Again
Monday, June 15, 2015
I done said
I done said
all
I can say
about the subject matter
and there is
nothing more
I can say
But I will
Cause
I am me
and
I have to say it
I am like
I'm good and I notice something(s) about my friends
and then when I tell them
(the folks that say they can handle my thoughts and worlds
and let's wrap that all up into the random musings of me)
oh hell.
It's like wow.
And it's like clearly
I have a problem
so let's just shut you up
and change the nature of this relationship
and move from there.
I am like what?
So I give you what I notice-
not that I asked you for anything
and this is like nope- shift.
Well damn.
but I done
said
all that I was gone say
all
I can say
about the subject matter
and there is
nothing more
I can say
But I will
Cause
I am me
and
I have to say it
I am like
I'm good and I notice something(s) about my friends
and then when I tell them
(the folks that say they can handle my thoughts and worlds
and let's wrap that all up into the random musings of me)
oh hell.
It's like wow.
And it's like clearly
I have a problem
so let's just shut you up
and change the nature of this relationship
and move from there.
I am like what?
So I give you what I notice-
not that I asked you for anything
and this is like nope- shift.
Well damn.
but I done
said
all that I was gone say
Monday, June 01, 2015
Secrets
The thing about secrets is
The only way to keep a secret is to keep it-
as in not share it
and
just deal with it.
Especially if it is yours...
I was in the car with my cuz and we were discussing
[all that jazz]
and
I was like
it's not like I... well it's...
And she was like
what are you saying???
Now, I interpreted the horrified look on her face as
a horrified look
and
quickly astutely changed the subject.
because burdened be or not,
since this secret is yours (mine) you (I) need not worry
if it will come out if you (I) don't share it.
sounds simple.
so simple
"it could all be so simple... but you'd rather make it hard... loving you is like a battle... and we both end up with scars..." thank you Lauryn Hill
I mean, sometimes I want to tell- tell those that don't know... tell those who i think would care...
And just be the "__________" blank woman that they think is associated with IT.
I mean insert any adjective you may think as IT
but IT is what it is.
So for a person like me, who loves to communicate and am stifled by this thing
who do I tell?
Tuesday, April 07, 2015
Something {30 for 30- day 7}
Was it something
That was done or
was it something I said?
Your actions
My reactions
The silence
The anger
The thoughts of what we had
Not what we have
Maybe it was because
I no longer accepted the lies
And maybe it was because
You didn't even try
But
Definitely because You know
I knew
That I am not the only one
loving you
So
Maybe it was because
It was something I done did
Guess that's this life
And this choice I will no longer have to live.
That was done or
was it something I said?
Your actions
My reactions
The silence
The anger
The thoughts of what we had
Not what we have
Maybe it was because
I no longer accepted the lies
And maybe it was because
You didn't even try
But
Definitely because You know
I knew
That I am not the only one
loving you
So
Maybe it was because
It was something I done did
Guess that's this life
And this choice I will no longer have to live.
Friday, March 20, 2015
Afternoon- random dreams
I write down my random dreams just to see where my mind is that day/night/season. Good thing I don't always put too much thought into it (cause a dream is something I cannot control with as much control I am trying to have in my daily life) Both dreams are just odd in the sense that some things I feel I know I feel (like a sense of not being heard) and some things I think I know I just don't know, and some folks in my dream I am wondering why they are there? Like who do they represent?
Eh...I'll leave it for the true dream interpreters to figure out.
Afternoon
Woke up 3 pm
Dreamt that I was in VS and was looking for a tan waffle shirt long sleeve with pink writing. There was some other Caucasian girl there that was looking at the same thing but her small size was not there. HE appeared on my right side (headphones in) and I was like oh do you like this shirt? HE was like it's aight- but the random white chick asks the same thing and you go its looks sexy. I get annoyed but accepted it as 'whatever' because it's HE.
We walk to the back of the store and see a bunch of females running (in my hand I have picked up a cobalt blue hard makeup case) and we see this security guard (that is my Ex) chase this black girl into the bathroom. We are moving towards the registers and there are a few heavyset black women as cashiers (which does not fit the stereotypical VS mode). I go up to one to check the price of the case and before I can speak the Ex comes out with the female thief and is like are you going to pay for that (I mean I am at the register) and I am like what do you think (cause I am annoyed at his presence and that he is arresting this girl even tho she is obviously stealing) and he says, I was not talking to you I was talking to Him. So HE is apparently are stuffing female undergarments into a bag (black plastic garbage bag) and HE looks annoyed at him and say 'what do you think' . Ex says, well by putting it into a plastic bag, it looks like you are stealing it, I am about to intervene (I don't really know how or what to do) and before I turn towards HE the sales lady says to me 'do you have someone to talk to? You look like there is a lot going on and make sure you talk to that someone. ' let me give you my card' and she reaches for her card to give me (she is a psychic reader/medium etc) I am still waiting for the price and HE having heard all this go up next to me on the left and looks at her (so she can read Him) and she says you know you got a strong woman here (HE says I know) and she says and you tell her/ give her a lot to handle (HE says yes I do) she says make sure you know that (and implies that you make sure to tell her and show her you love her) I am like shaking my head and HE goes 'it just happened that way, but I get it. I will.
I am like what? What just happened? What HE get/ got? What should I know?
The Ex looks dejected and continues to arrest the poor girl, and continues to look at me disgusted (what did I do?) She gave the blue case to me HE puts His arm thru mine and we start walking out. I am confused, and HE says to me don't worry, we'll talk. HE walks out with the garbage bag full of ladies underwear (odd) but we get right outside the door of the VS store and HE turns to me and looks at me. I stop and stare at him like, Ok what? (and because it is a dream I put my right hand on my hip like do something/ say something). HE proceeds to put his srm around my waist and pulls me in to kiss him (which seems natural in the grand scheme of things) and I apparently do not resist. We (after a kiss or 12 lol) are standing in a room (not my room) and HE hands me the garbage bag of undies and says put this on- so I take the bag and look inside and it is something very risque in there that I am supposed to put on. As I leave to do what I am told these thoughts in my dream head are:
Wait- so I just am gonna go with this? And don't feel no way about it? And I am gonna just act like this is normal (us) and everyone is cool with this?
I woke up before I left the room to change clothes because even in my dreams....
Also had a second dream that we (the brothers and I) owned a white pedophile van, and it was burning (for some reason) and all our equipment was in there and I was trying to get bro #1's attention so that we can all move from the van and be safe before it blew up. No one was listening to me, and I am watching the gas burn more, trying to calculate exactly how long before this entire thing goes up in smoke and then I die. I truly felt scared and had to wake myself up because I felt that if the car exploded in this dream, I would really not make it.
Eh...I'll leave it for the true dream interpreters to figure out.
Afternoon
Woke up 3 pm
Dreamt that I was in VS and was looking for a tan waffle shirt long sleeve with pink writing. There was some other Caucasian girl there that was looking at the same thing but her small size was not there. HE appeared on my right side (headphones in) and I was like oh do you like this shirt? HE was like it's aight- but the random white chick asks the same thing and you go its looks sexy. I get annoyed but accepted it as 'whatever' because it's HE.
We walk to the back of the store and see a bunch of females running (in my hand I have picked up a cobalt blue hard makeup case) and we see this security guard (that is my Ex) chase this black girl into the bathroom. We are moving towards the registers and there are a few heavyset black women as cashiers (which does not fit the stereotypical VS mode). I go up to one to check the price of the case and before I can speak the Ex comes out with the female thief and is like are you going to pay for that (I mean I am at the register) and I am like what do you think (cause I am annoyed at his presence and that he is arresting this girl even tho she is obviously stealing) and he says, I was not talking to you I was talking to Him. So HE is apparently are stuffing female undergarments into a bag (black plastic garbage bag) and HE looks annoyed at him and say 'what do you think' . Ex says, well by putting it into a plastic bag, it looks like you are stealing it, I am about to intervene (I don't really know how or what to do) and before I turn towards HE the sales lady says to me 'do you have someone to talk to? You look like there is a lot going on and make sure you talk to that someone. ' let me give you my card' and she reaches for her card to give me (she is a psychic reader/medium etc) I am still waiting for the price and HE having heard all this go up next to me on the left and looks at her (so she can read Him) and she says you know you got a strong woman here (HE says I know) and she says and you tell her/ give her a lot to handle (HE says yes I do) she says make sure you know that (and implies that you make sure to tell her and show her you love her) I am like shaking my head and HE goes 'it just happened that way, but I get it. I will.
I am like what? What just happened? What HE get/ got? What should I know?
The Ex looks dejected and continues to arrest the poor girl, and continues to look at me disgusted (what did I do?) She gave the blue case to me HE puts His arm thru mine and we start walking out. I am confused, and HE says to me don't worry, we'll talk. HE walks out with the garbage bag full of ladies underwear (odd) but we get right outside the door of the VS store and HE turns to me and looks at me. I stop and stare at him like, Ok what? (and because it is a dream I put my right hand on my hip like do something/ say something). HE proceeds to put his srm around my waist and pulls me in to kiss him (which seems natural in the grand scheme of things) and I apparently do not resist. We (after a kiss or 12 lol) are standing in a room (not my room) and HE hands me the garbage bag of undies and says put this on- so I take the bag and look inside and it is something very risque in there that I am supposed to put on. As I leave to do what I am told these thoughts in my dream head are:
Wait- so I just am gonna go with this? And don't feel no way about it? And I am gonna just act like this is normal (us) and everyone is cool with this?
I woke up before I left the room to change clothes because even in my dreams....
Also had a second dream that we (the brothers and I) owned a white pedophile van, and it was burning (for some reason) and all our equipment was in there and I was trying to get bro #1's attention so that we can all move from the van and be safe before it blew up. No one was listening to me, and I am watching the gas burn more, trying to calculate exactly how long before this entire thing goes up in smoke and then I die. I truly felt scared and had to wake myself up because I felt that if the car exploded in this dream, I would really not make it.
Sunday, February 15, 2015
coffee thought... Horoscope: Gemini: February 15th, 2015
You can afford to be avant-garde today-
let the progressive revolutionary in you roam at will.
Today is filled with thought-provoking discussions about controversial topics,
unusual or offbeat ideas, or "whacky" concepts.
The tempo of your life is increasing and
may leave you feeling frazzled today however,
because you are quite restless at present,
you may say things which leave others stunned.
This means as usual I will find a way to put my foot in my mouth
concerning matters of the heart...
specifically matters of my heart
but hey,
why not feel frazzled and be restless...
it beats the alternative
(calm and bored).
anywho...that's all...
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Crusin..
I'm in that kind of mood where I want to be
Crusin with my love,
carefree and in love,
just being cool..
enjoying each other
even in the silence...
Baby let's cruise away from here
Don't be confused baby, the way is clear
And if you want it you got it forever
Oh, this is not a one night stand baby
Let the music take your mind
And just release and you will find, baby
We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together
Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love it when we're cruisin' together
Baby, tonight belongs to us
Everything's right, do what you must, baby
And inch by inch we get closer and closer
Every little part of each other ooh, baby, baby
Let the music take your mind
Just release and you will find, baby
We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together
Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together
We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together
Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together
Cruise with me baby, baby
Oh baby
Oh baby let's cruise, let's flow
Let's glide, let's open up and go inside
And if you want it you got it forever
I can just stay there inside you and love you, baby
Let the music take your mind
And just release and you will find
We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together
Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together
We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together
Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together
We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together
Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together
We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together
Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together
Don't be confused baby, the way is clear
And if you want it you got it forever
Oh, this is not a one night stand baby
Let the music take your mind
And just release and you will find, baby
We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together
Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love it when we're cruisin' together
Baby, tonight belongs to us
Everything's right, do what you must, baby
And inch by inch we get closer and closer
Every little part of each other ooh, baby, baby
Let the music take your mind
Just release and you will find, baby
We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together
Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together
We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together
Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together
Cruise with me baby, baby
Oh baby
Oh baby let's cruise, let's flow
Let's glide, let's open up and go inside
And if you want it you got it forever
I can just stay there inside you and love you, baby
Let the music take your mind
And just release and you will find
We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together
Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together
We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together
Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together
We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together
Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together
We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together
Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together
Friday, January 23, 2015
I hate...poem of the evening
I hate
How I give you pieces of me
And watch you fumble
to hold them all
Unsure of where to put them
Unaware of where I belong
Because
I am heavy
And
Messy
And
A lot
And
Too much
And
Imperfect
And
Complicated
And
Scared
And so I give you
Pieces of me
And watch you as you
Attempt to
See me
And understand me
And are possibly ashamed
To touch
But you never touch
And feel
And I am left in pieces
Right here
So after I give you pieces of me
And I see you
Struggle
To
Just
Have
A
Piece
Of
Me
I
I want them back
I want me back
I try to take them back
I want me back
I want to
To lessen the burden
Of me
And I
Hope
Truly hope
you won't fail
Me
And I
hope I don't fall
Cause look at me...
Trying to put all my pieces
Back into their
convenient hiding places
Because
Exposed
I am vulnerable
Exposed
I am liable
Exposed
I am hurt
Exposed
I am not what you want
Exposed
I am not what you can handle
But a part
In part
I love those pieces of me
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
I am really really quite upset right now
I am really really quite upset right now
I mean there is no other way to put it.
I find out things that
#1 I am supposed to keep secret and
#2 I am supposed to be happy about and
#3 while I can say I am very happy for said people and
#4 I am reassured it is not me by said person but i
#5 Can't help but to think -- is it really me? no, really...
Wow.
I guess that's the best thing for all parties involved?
And why (if youa re a friend/ colleague/ etc) then you feel the need not to tell me considering you say you know without doubt that I have your best interest in mind... guess them the lies you be telling so you can sleep at night.
Welp
good luck.
Sent from my iPhone
I mean there is no other way to put it.
I find out things that
#1 I am supposed to keep secret and
#2 I am supposed to be happy about and
#3 while I can say I am very happy for said people and
#4 I am reassured it is not me by said person but i
#5 Can't help but to think -- is it really me? no, really...
Wow.
I guess that's the best thing for all parties involved?
And why (if youa re a friend/ colleague/ etc) then you feel the need not to tell me considering you say you know without doubt that I have your best interest in mind... guess them the lies you be telling so you can sleep at night.
Welp
good luck.
Sent from my iPhone
coffee thought...
Coffee thought
I sit and wonder is it worth it?
I am trying to be
The best person I can be
I am helpful
Sympathetic
Empathetic
I am funny
Sarcastic
Intelligent
Hell, I'm a charming motherfucker.
But I am just
Not
Enough
Wednesday, October 08, 2014
Leela James - Fall For You
such a great song that totally captures falling...
Here we are, together
And everything between us is good
I'm right here in this cloud, baby
Ready to fly but before I take
Another step
Would you catch me if I fall for you?
'cause I'm falling
I'm falling, I'm falling
I'm so used to standing
So used to being on my own
But this thing is new, baby
It feels like I'm losing control
I'll take another step
If you catch me when I fall for you
'cause I'm falling
I'm falling, I'm falling
Will you promise to be there?
Stay by my side always?
Whenever I need you
Don't let me down, no, no
If I give you my all, don't let me fall
Would you do that for me, hold me?
Will you love, will you love me?
My heart is ready
For love and to be loved
And I chose you, baby
That's the one thing I'm sure of
So I will take this one last step
So catch me, I'm falling for you
I'm falling
I'm falling, I'm falling
I'm falling
I'm falling, I'm falling
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Some people (me) never change
As in
My conscious still carries me thru the random acts of un-kindness I try to pull. Remember how bro#1 ain't show up- and how mad I was (am) about that- yes still am mad at that. To be clear, I am over the whole move thing cause whatever I am moved in- there ain't no changing that. Those that were there were there (in whatever way they could and in whatever capacity they could). I am still mad- no really hurt- by his actions toward me making me feel insignificant and not worth it (his time I guess or his presence). And I ultimately allowed my value or my perception of my value and worth be diminished because of this action. So to be honest I am mad at me for feeling. Period. But anywho, skipping over all that, homeboy is in the hospital (since Wednesday) and #1 I haven't gone to see him. And #2 part of me is like "oh, so now you need ME, huh? So Now you would like someone to show up for you, huh? How does it feel to expect that of your sibling and..." You get the point. Well, my conscious is like "bitch please act like you were raised better than to be a petty ass person and be who you are- someone who still shows up irregardless of what the next persons actions or motives are."
My conscious still carries me thru the random acts of un-kindness I try to pull. Remember how bro#1 ain't show up- and how mad I was (am) about that- yes still am mad at that. To be clear, I am over the whole move thing cause whatever I am moved in- there ain't no changing that. Those that were there were there (in whatever way they could and in whatever capacity they could). I am still mad- no really hurt- by his actions toward me making me feel insignificant and not worth it (his time I guess or his presence). And I ultimately allowed my value or my perception of my value and worth be diminished because of this action. So to be honest I am mad at me for feeling. Period. But anywho, skipping over all that, homeboy is in the hospital (since Wednesday) and #1 I haven't gone to see him. And #2 part of me is like "oh, so now you need ME, huh? So Now you would like someone to show up for you, huh? How does it feel to expect that of your sibling and..." You get the point. Well, my conscious is like "bitch please act like you were raised better than to be a petty ass person and be who you are- someone who still shows up irregardless of what the next persons actions or motives are."
You. Are. Better. Than. That.
Yeah yeah my conscious needs to go to hell sometimes...
But she has a way of annoying me, so I asked this person I have grown to trust their opinion (not that I have to follow said opinion it is just good to have other opinions- is what I told myself) turns out they kinda intelligent and kinda said they would show up and stay for like 10-15 minutes and move on their way-- by doing this they would be doing 'the right thing by family and all and still keeping my word to myself as who I claim to be (the person who is not like the others and is caring and stuff) and I can go about my business with a clean conscious.
And so, I am.
I did.
I showed up.
We chatted. His girl was there. We all chatted. I guess he was happy to see me. I stayed for an hour. I left. I guess people don't change, no matter how mad and evil and unkind I was trying to be to prove a point and whatnot.
To top it off it is bro #2 birthday. He is out with one of his partners in crime. Yay.
Smh.
I do hope I learn my lesson.
But she has a way of annoying me, so I asked this person I have grown to trust their opinion (not that I have to follow said opinion it is just good to have other opinions- is what I told myself) turns out they kinda intelligent and kinda said they would show up and stay for like 10-15 minutes and move on their way-- by doing this they would be doing 'the right thing by family and all and still keeping my word to myself as who I claim to be (the person who is not like the others and is caring and stuff) and I can go about my business with a clean conscious.
And so, I am.
I did.
I showed up.
We chatted. His girl was there. We all chatted. I guess he was happy to see me. I stayed for an hour. I left. I guess people don't change, no matter how mad and evil and unkind I was trying to be to prove a point and whatnot.
To top it off it is bro #2 birthday. He is out with one of his partners in crime. Yay.
Smh.
I do hope I learn my lesson.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Um yeah Integrity, honesty, and things of the sort
Things that are not at all common among dealings with human beings
in this world today nor are they common character traits now a days.
It seems people are definitely lacking basic character to begin with.
Wait... let me specify good character.
It seems that peoples morals, values, memories, truths and convictions bend with the time of day
or
the way the breeze flows and/ or depending on the feelings of the moment.
I say this because increasingly family and friends
are steadily chipping away at their integrity every time they choose not to:
ACT as virtuous as they claim they are.
Speak: as honestly and/ or kindly as they can be.
Stand up and
Hell,
BE a person true to the morals and values they spouted they were-
not some assigned stereotype or prototype.
At this point only the stereotypical labeling of the marginalized group is the thing you seem to be able to relate to-
and yet it is a shocker that I am amazed that
You
Are
Not
To
Be
Believed
Or
Trusted
In the many
Actions and thoughts and words that have spewed from your face.
And
Many wonder why the truth trust issues I have
prevail over the relations and relationships I have.
Interesting.
And I hate to say this but my reaction is in direct relation to your cause because it--
this affects me
And the reality is as much as I would like for this not to change me--
because I strive to remain
who
I
am
essentially
and not change my core actions and values and beliefs like the wind while staying open and malleable to positive change-
I have to now
shift.
And refocus
And understand
Who
am
I
being
in relation to who/ what has become.
Interesting
in this world today nor are they common character traits now a days.
It seems people are definitely lacking basic character to begin with.
Wait... let me specify good character.
It seems that peoples morals, values, memories, truths and convictions bend with the time of day
or
the way the breeze flows and/ or depending on the feelings of the moment.
I say this because increasingly family and friends
are steadily chipping away at their integrity every time they choose not to:
ACT as virtuous as they claim they are.
Speak: as honestly and/ or kindly as they can be.
Stand up and
Hell,
BE a person true to the morals and values they spouted they were-
not some assigned stereotype or prototype.
At this point only the stereotypical labeling of the marginalized group is the thing you seem to be able to relate to-
and yet it is a shocker that I am amazed that
You
Are
Not
To
Be
Believed
Or
Trusted
In the many
Actions and thoughts and words that have spewed from your face.
And
Many wonder why the truth trust issues I have
prevail over the relations and relationships I have.
Interesting.
And I hate to say this but my reaction is in direct relation to your cause because it--
this affects me
And the reality is as much as I would like for this not to change me--
because I strive to remain
who
I
am
essentially
and not change my core actions and values and beliefs like the wind while staying open and malleable to positive change-
I have to now
shift.
And refocus
And understand
Who
am
I
being
in relation to who/ what has become.
Interesting
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