At the end of the day

At the end of the day
I just want someone to say
Hey
Good job.
You did well.
Or try again tomorrow
I love you
I support you
You matter to me

that's all...

Peeves... not the ghost

If you have ever wondered what one of the things that grinds my gears and really really pisses me off would be- either to avoid doing it or to testing the theory-- it is while I am on the phone with you in full fledged conversation. I am speaking. I am making a point (most likely there is a story involved)
and what do you do?
One of two things:

• YOU COMPLETELY IGNORE ME and START TALKING OVER ME WITH SOME COMPLETELY UNRELATED TOPIC- like if I am stating my feeling about my day or what is going on and you then decide to be like oh, have you seen the new Childish Gambino/Beyoncé video? Uhhh, sir/ madame are you fucking kidding me? We were not even talking about  Donald Glover or Beyoncé and why is that what you are switching the conversation to?
• YOU START TALKING TO SOMEONE ELSE IN FULL FLEDGED CONVERSATION WHILE I AM TALKING AS IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PHONE TO YOUR EAR TALKING TO ME (I am not talking about if people start talking to you because that sometimes happens- but if you proceed to hold a damn conversation with them- I ain't En Vogue, I do not Hold On')

Is my issue/ voice/ concerns not important enough for you? Does my voice annoy you?
I am positive we have had enough of the counseling-of-you-time on this call and now I would like the balance of friendship to tilt in my favor during this conversation and NO- this is too hard for you to handle.
 Legit I do two things:

• I go silent
• I get off the phone

It is obvi that my presence is not needed in this one sided friendship so let me excuse myself politely (cause manners still count) and be on my way. I will talk to myself in the damn mirror before I begin to have a conversation of any depth with you again, thanks!
Old habits die hard- so I give people more chances than they deserve, but once I get the hint- boy oh boy.
Message received.
Case closed.
Not to be continued.

that's all...

oh, don't try this at home. with me. ever.
thanks.

monday woes

how you like i got up

went to the gym 

worked out

sweated 

got home 

showered

left 

EARLY

apparently you diddn't work out hard enough cause you is too much right now

took the train-- gave my seat to a pregnant dude

took the train all the way to BK 

got out and got damn breakfast 

entered my office at 8:24

sat

turned on computer preparing to eat food. 

looked at the calendar0

i belong in manhattan since i switched with virginia

tsk tsk tsk

exactly

sooo packed up 

and was then 14 minutes late for work 

it is a no win situation 

Just wrong...

So, as I am scrolling thru the wonderful world of social media (full sarcasm in effect here) I come across HGTV. No, when I paid for cable, my TV gladly stayed on HGTV with all of the wonderful offerings (such as House Hunters, House Hunters International, Property Brothers, and every other decorative house buying creative design-on-a-dime show you can handle). I loved watching some of their things and really inspired me (at times) to create, reuse, paint outside the lines etc.
Well, the lovely folks for the HGTV web presence have lost their ever loving mind-- as they made lovely stalks of cotton to decorate your home with-- as in these bunion lickers ass wipes actually took cotton balls and stuck them on God-damned branches to recreate the 'good ole southern décor' and you too can have real lives cotton as decoration in your house.
pause.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
Someone needs to get fired- matter of fact the whole Goddamned design team needs a permanent vacation.
Hell, I get a little twinge every time I use cotton balls in the house for my makeup and manicures
I screen captured some of the 'wonderful comments' and visuals that I could before logging off and trying to get some sleep-- this is why my ass should not be social media-ing while trying to go to sleep.
But I assure you this should not be where the world is headed
and it is all ya'lls  presidents fault. [the Orange one...not my Barak]
And on another note...
when is symbols of oppression decorative art? Confederate flag? Mammy dolls? Cotton picking cotton?
I know I will have to revisit this more to understand the symbolism of some of the items out there (like the mammy doll or the lawn jockey) but until then I wish someone would be like oooh let's make some cotton for decorative purposes...

5 things 2.20.17

5 things

1. Own your own happiness
2. Challenge your own story
3. Enjoy the journey not the destination
4. Make relationships count
5. Balance work and play

Try

At this point in my life, 

and at this particular evening 

how about someone 

"try a little tenderness"

with me 

as in 

just try

really try

really just attempt

any tenderness 

with me

because 

i am afraid

that this
old heart of mine 

is failing 

at the lack of

love

and tenderness

in life.

that's all...

coffee thought...

May the 4th be with you..

Which is a silly as joke but considering today is May 4 I guess it is fitting.

What is not fitting are my clothes after this cruise I went on with my friends. Leading up to this vacation that was being planned over a year ago has been one of the most stressful times of my life- particularly dealing with work, family, friends, me (and in no particular order)

Figuring out how to get oneself to the airport via the MTA that don't ever want to go your way on a regular basis is a feat. Coupled with the fact I had a houseguest for 3 weeks prior to my leaving with left me with only 2 days to get my sh*t together so that I can vacate is stressful- you would think vacationing is not (yes 1st world problems)

Anywho, once I got to Florida, relaxation was able to commence and whatever I didn't have someone had. And let me tell you the amount of drinks alone on that cruise would have equaled a plane ticket to Bermuda and back. Trust me.

Yay unlimited drink package. And yay for NCL on getting their sh*t together- because this boat was not leaving Miami unless they did have it together. 

But utterly fascinating was the sisterhood that was felt during that trip. Missing from the photo below is Steph. 

I mean considering I do not have actual sisters (tho I have adopted TD & others along the way) it was great to be like in a great mix of supporting and hilarious and smart and caring and understanding and intelligent and dynamic women. Truly. We checked in on each other and made sure everyone was having fun. We covered each other with no one stealing from the other and I got some much needed sun and sand and sleep which is a rare 3 combination. 

 I missed some peoples presence but such is life.

I loved hanging out with my nephew and his foolishness- watching him daily interact with his mom and the rest of the folks is pure genius. 

He is truly a blessed heart and his mom is a saint! Kids are great! 

There was a moment on this trip where I was being someone's social worker or counselor so to speak and this person was born on Mom's birthday but having difficulties with his family and his elder moms care and basically I was like pray and understand you did/ doing the best you can. I guess that is what has to or needs to be said and heard at times (even on vacation). Funny enough the gang was like he needs his own friends and you good to chat with him for like 1/2 HR. It was riotous. But, all in all was able to sleep, pray, think, talk and generally overall just disconnect from some of the stressors of my life. I did not check emails or log on the computer (cause I was not getting charged erroneously for nothing nor anyone's issues since I do not got it like that). Now, my itsy bitsy tiny issue that happened at the end of the trip came in the way of getting from the airport- but you know once again I figured it out.

that's the way life goes, no?

coffee thought...

The thought of the truths that were not told to me

is something that is unnerving to the basis of this here relationship.

 I can only operate with the information that is given to me

and

 when you start out with lies then everything else is built upon that shaken and unsteady ground.

 It is something that can rarely be stable and trusted-

 you know that solid ground that people claim to want to be in at all times.

 It is not that hard IF we all speak the

Truth.

The mother fucking truth.

I mean.

just because I demand the truth in my actions and being

 does not mean folks can exist in this space

clearly people go about a whole lot to keep the truth hidden

but then again is it still the truth even in the dark?

I dare say it is and has to be reckoned with on any level...

So,

in acknowledging the things that you believe about your relationships

and the truths you tell yourself about your current state of affairs

I wonder

Do you even know

 the things

 that were lied about anymore

 and

 how that effects the space

 we operate in?

Do you even care?

Hmmm. I wonder.

because they say the truth can set you free

or the truth has a way of coming to light.

eh

some people thrive on darkness

I myself sleep with a mask

but in truth

don't we all?

that's all...

Family

Family...Is the cause of joy and equal amounts of heartache and pain and my family in particular is one hell of a peoples.

For the past 2 weeks I have been dealing with my siblings in the hospital- one with congestive heart failure and one with the mental issues that have plagued him and I am trying trying trying to just breathe
I am trying (and feeling like I am failing) at being the good sister to them both because what does that even look like? I mean I am sympathetic and empathetic and am worrying about the well being of both of them and I am trying to coordinate care and information sharing between the two and don't even get me started on the 'fiancée ' or whatever that is because welcome- you want the title well here is the responsibility and all that comes along with that partnership. I mean some days I feel for her and wonder what she got herself into and other days I am like 6 years in hey step it up, right?
And the other one that wants what he wants (ex/ his apartment) and the detrimental issues that come along with that.
What is this sister to do?
I pray and call and visit (although truthful I have not been to the mental hospital because I may want to stay myself ) thru all I am going thru with work and friends and feelings and

EMOTIONS AND ALONENESS.

Yes. In all caps. Bold. 28 font. All that.

I selfishly want someone here for me to comfort me and support me thru these trials- hell I have been the major support for the majority of the folks in my life yet when it comes to me- here I am. I don't know how much longer I can do this - superwoman and strong blackwoman facade because talk about impostor syndrome.
And all I want to do is cry but physically I'm not able to do that because I can't
And I can't
And I can't have these thoughts of not getting up and just staying where I am and not doing
Cause I am not allowed to be the one that needs help and I am not the one who is allowed to ask for anything for me from anyone I am the one who has to figure it out- for myself and for everyone else around me and I am the one who has to be responsible and be... Together
But separate
Funny.
Family... The family that could or would be there to support or whatever thru this is no where to be found- at the first sign of disruption to the wonderful image presented dropped like flies. Which I mean is great since you get a sense of where people stand with you, right?
So, you also get a clear picture that the sacrifices and things you did for others is NOT anything that can be reciprocated for me.
Remember that
And you know at the time I was sacrificing my time and presence and things for folks I was not doing that for anyone or any thoughts or anything it was just something that needed to be done and I did it. Others was out and about living their life and I was there. I was present.
I
I was a damned fool.
But hey, one life to live and lesson learned.
Too bad tho
I would have enjoyed my life too ya know
But I digress
And here I stand- balancing precariously the health and decisions (the sisterly ones) I can make for one brother while doing the same for the other.
And I want my mother and father here- selfishly for me
Selfishness is a great trait of mine.
Because I tend to want what I want when I want it (of course working for it) and yet, always keeping in mind the fairness of it all
But selfishly wanting them to say

Hey, you doing alright baby

You are good (enough)

You are worthy of love even...

You are beautiful

And you are ... Ok

But
Those are words I will never hear from their lips again
And my solace (like a broken record) is the fact that she is no longer in pain
And my strength is (was) the things I thought I could do
But realizing
I am not special
And I am not capable
And I am just faking the funk
Just waking up
Here
Not even present
Just here
Again

And at some point

I am loosing it

And by it I mean any semblance of 'good' that I thought I was
Am
Are
Like for example,
here i am in this world living and working and going about my daily life.
I pray. Do good. Exercise more often than not. I consider myself kind, caring, etc (just so we are clear that does not mean if you are not these things as well you aren't as good and don't deserve) but basically all that stuff has lead me to this place of unsatisfactory being.
And in case you think I am magically praying for and waiting for a companion to 'save' me, complete me or whatever me you are beyond utterly mistaken about me and should cease immediately reading this blog.
No, here is what it is-
At some point there has to be an it's your turn- you get to go, you get to try this out (relationship/ male companionship/ possibly cohabitation/ lest we go into the realm of physical touch)
And at some point there has got to be an enough is enough of this singled life that you are living and working at.
And at some point you think wow, you could possibly be loved cause you certainly do love
and at some point you are entirely mistaken with that whole thing- but because you have some semblance of faith you preserver really well and even live and happen to enjoy most of the life you are building...
And at some point you look around at your family and friends and peers and thank god for them and think at some point you can too have something/ someone to share them with.
And at some point you don't know what point you get real good at not expecting it for you- whatever it is- cause that point you can't recognize at all.
And at some point you think about the things you are not- specifically someones choice. Someones reciprocal love. Someones risk. Someones heart.
And at some point you believe the things that society is saying about women like you- unattached, unwanted, undesirable and hell maybe even undeserved.
And at some point you kind of hope for the end to be nearer than the beginning cause this story can not fathom a happy ending.
At some point you stop feeling
And at some point you ask God to remove those desires from your wants because if it is not meant for you (children/ companionship, etc) then remove those wants from your heart and soul and you can refocus on other things that matter to other folks and leave those matters of the heart for those that need use of their heart.
at some point....

Sometimes I feel...

So today is 'daughters day' and people over Facebook are wishing other people on Facebook Happy Daughters Day. And that's great and all if you have a daughter.  And it is equally great and all if you have a parent that recognized such things. But what if you are a daughter who unfortunately has no one to wish you a happy daughters day-  then what does that make you?

What does that make me?

And not for nothing, these contrived pseudo days we celebrate that are put into the psyche of society really do more harm than good [I'm looking at you specifically Valentine's Day] causing a whole heap of negative emotions and wild thoughts of worthiness and worthlessness at the same damn time. Them some two bad bitches.

Anywho...
Just thought I put it out there
Happy Daughters Day to the daughter I don't have (...)
and happy daughters day to the daughter I hope I was.

coffee thought...

Coffee thought...

Commuting in to work today and there are a bunch of traffic disruptions.

Today, the Pope is headed to NYC and the world is up in arms and disarray trying to prepare and accommodate his visit. 

While he is supposed to be the leader of the Catholic Church and the closest representative to GOD I am feeling very annoyed by this visit. And no offense to the man personally or professionally- cause he and this visit did not do nothing to me- not even change my MTA commute. This disruption and annoyance I feel in my spirit is reminding me of the last time a papal visit happened- specifically April 2008. While all the hoopla that was surrounding the then Pope and him coming to the Bronx to say mass at Yankee Stadium and all the things that were going on.  On the day he came to the Bronx, that was the day we had my mothers funeral. And in meeting the priest prior to having mass arrangements he made a comment that having mass that day was inconvenient/ or getting back from that mass at the stadium was an inconvenience. I remember saying to myself damn sorry my mothers death is an inconvenience to you. And from that point on I have been utterly unfazed by anything St. Augustine or Catholic church wise. I know the Lord thru my upbringing and I have faith and I pray. But I cannot feel reverence for man (priest/ pope) anything because of simple empathy that was not shown. And why how many years later do I bring this up? Because I feel crazy resentment at all that. I feel stupidly angry at something that I cannot change or control. And I feel utterly lost without the guidance and words of my mom and dad. It's stupid cause I am an adult. I think. I mean my bills say I am. But dammit apparently I am no ones child anymore. 

That hurts. 

that's all... 

coffee thought...

Coffee thought...

It is well passed the time for me to have some coffee 

but 

considering I have a ton of things to do

when I get home

and

 (considering it is already 11:06 pm on a Tuesday night) 

and

my day is sooo not over yet 

I may need to indulge 

in

 some...

sigh...

that's all...

coffee thought...

I made it to the gym. (5:06am)

I didn't die (5:55am)

Yay Monday (6:00am)

I need coffee (6:00:01am)

that's all...

coffee thought...

Trying to tie up the loose ends before I go on vacation...

Thinking about all the relaxation I want to do 

and all the sleep I have not been getting and needing to get...

At this point I am trying to see what my mind is trying to tell me

 since it is keeping me up at night with the worst of dreams about violation

 and trauma and death 

and life lost and hate 

and oh my goodness just things that u can't even imagine.

 I wonder what my subconscious wants me to know

 and can it please try a more affected

 and  affectionate way of telling me 

during normal business hours? 

Thanks...

Dreams {30 for 30- day15}

Dreams

My body is tired
my mind is weary
From worry
worrying
about the
Things I want

Like I still want you
And as Sade said
I want you
to want me too

But I have learned
that
my dreams betray me
I can no longer
sleep at nights.
I seek solace
and comfort
yet all I encounter
are rest less nights.
restless nights.

And the terrors
I have
At night
Trembling
Tears
Trying
to understand

How my dreams
Have turned to
Nightmares
And how my
Mindless behavior
Subconsciously
Sabotages my soul
Spoiling my Spirit

My body is tired
my mind is weary
From worrying
about my dreams
Coming true

Horoscope: Gemini: March 28th, 2015

You take life very seriously now. 

You question major commitments and decisions

 you have made in the past,

 such as career choices, 

place of residence, 

marriage and other major relationships. 

This is a time of self-analysis

 and questioning 

about the direction 

you have taken in your life.

Well isn't this the sh*t that keeps me up at night every damned night and twice on Sundays too?
I mean, while I live in contribution and do 'right' as defined by Websters et. al... I am often in wonderment of this direction of life... this path I am on... this choice that the universe says I am choosing? Like really? Like I am actively choosing to be single and live without companionship and without love or without having that relationship I desire or family and children that I dreamt about. 
The universe is saying this is my choice?
I need to see the receipts on that one, because this is not what I signed up for. 
I rebuke that sh*t.. 
But, 
until I get the proof that THAT is what it is, 
I feel like young Natalie Wood in the end of Miracle on 34th street
reciting
'I believe, I believe, I know it is silly but I believe"
and magically (via Santa, right?) her 'dreams' came true. 

I believe...
I believe...
I believe...

that's all..

I would be

I would be

Remiss if I didn't mention

The things that have happened this January

Lost keys in elevator shaft that ultimately tested my patience and strength. It also forced me to focus on my vision board and make that a reality.

The following week lost my parking cars and had to get a new one wit borrowed money from bro #3 as that was a severely unexpected expense. Did end up going to the gym.

Ended up in jury duty and then end the emergency room with horrific muscle spasms. 

Incredible. Bad. Pain killers needed.

Working thru some things that make me challenged. 

And then ... 

Challenges that make me me.

Such was January.

Fwd: Dance

As I sit here listening to this song-

Dance with My Father (Luther Vandross) and I think about dancing- wheather it is doing the wobble or some other break it down move that comes out this day and age, I also think back (or forward) to the more acceptable dances that we as a society perform out there...and dancing with my father.

I am random in the thoughts that plague me at random times- mother thoughts some nights, father thoughts other night, random other folks thought random other nights, and i think (HA!) have I ever danced with my father? Is this something that ever happened in my lifetime? Is this something that I remember (or should remember?) Is this some fantasy that I dreamt? Is this something that daughters & sons should do- regularly- and dance with their parents because...
So every time I hear this song, from when it came out I always identified with the 'I would do anything to dance with my father again' sentiment because, let's face it, there are things that I wish I could do (or did) and having a silly little dance seems like one of them.
I think i remember that we kinda sorta danced in the street one time *or maybe this is some damned wishful thinking I have* and remembering that he held my hand...maybe...

fairy tales and fantasy...it seems

This is what i 'want' my journey in love to be like...

in some way shape or form

Man of my dreams will say...

 

and I will say to him...
 

...and man of my dreams will then reply to me...

and of course, i would feel/ say this to him

...and this will be my happy ending.


hey, some fantasies are better than fairy tales anyway.
at least mine are....