Here's a Bible passage I'd like to share with you...

"Behold, God is my salvation;

 I will trust, and not be afraid:

for the Lord Jehovah is my strength

and my song;

 he also is become my salvation."

 

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭12:2‬ ‭KJV‬‬

http://bible.com/1/isa.12.2.kjv

needed this today

Saw this

Saw this today as I was 

thinking

about my mommy 

and all the things i wished i can say

tell her

just receive love from her

and

i realize

physically

she is not here

 but always 

in my heart. 

It's these little messages that i get from the universe

that keeps me going. 

that's all...

Today's touches

As I was missing mom in the way home guess who is outside? <no- that would be fucking scary>
The coco icee lady!
It's the little things.
❤

Mom...

There is not much to say

 because

I tend to miss your physical presence

 more than I can articulate.

And like I always say,

I know you are in a better place

with your mom

and peace

but selfishly I wish I could just be

your daughter- a child

safe

with my mom sitting next to me

or hugging me

or just being a mom to me

and I know that is it not possible

and I know it is not tangible

but I know it is just one wish of mine.

at any rate,

rest well

you are missed

and

always loved.

sometimes....

Sometimes 

you need the wisdom 

of someone elses mother 

to tell you the things 

that you kinda already know 

but needed to hear out loud anyway. 

Thanks Mom.. 

I still hear you. 

that's all..

Family

Family...Is the cause of joy and equal amounts of heartache and pain and my family in particular is one hell of a peoples.

For the past 2 weeks I have been dealing with my siblings in the hospital- one with congestive heart failure and one with the mental issues that have plagued him and I am trying trying trying to just breathe
I am trying (and feeling like I am failing) at being the good sister to them both because what does that even look like? I mean I am sympathetic and empathetic and am worrying about the well being of both of them and I am trying to coordinate care and information sharing between the two and don't even get me started on the 'fiancée ' or whatever that is because welcome- you want the title well here is the responsibility and all that comes along with that partnership. I mean some days I feel for her and wonder what she got herself into and other days I am like 6 years in hey step it up, right?
And the other one that wants what he wants (ex/ his apartment) and the detrimental issues that come along with that.
What is this sister to do?
I pray and call and visit (although truthful I have not been to the mental hospital because I may want to stay myself ) thru all I am going thru with work and friends and feelings and

EMOTIONS AND ALONENESS.

Yes. In all caps. Bold. 28 font. All that.

I selfishly want someone here for me to comfort me and support me thru these trials- hell I have been the major support for the majority of the folks in my life yet when it comes to me- here I am. I don't know how much longer I can do this - superwoman and strong blackwoman facade because talk about impostor syndrome.
And all I want to do is cry but physically I'm not able to do that because I can't
And I can't
And I can't have these thoughts of not getting up and just staying where I am and not doing
Cause I am not allowed to be the one that needs help and I am not the one who is allowed to ask for anything for me from anyone I am the one who has to figure it out- for myself and for everyone else around me and I am the one who has to be responsible and be... Together
But separate
Funny.
Family... The family that could or would be there to support or whatever thru this is no where to be found- at the first sign of disruption to the wonderful image presented dropped like flies. Which I mean is great since you get a sense of where people stand with you, right?
So, you also get a clear picture that the sacrifices and things you did for others is NOT anything that can be reciprocated for me.
Remember that
And you know at the time I was sacrificing my time and presence and things for folks I was not doing that for anyone or any thoughts or anything it was just something that needed to be done and I did it. Others was out and about living their life and I was there. I was present.
I
I was a damned fool.
But hey, one life to live and lesson learned.
Too bad tho
I would have enjoyed my life too ya know
But I digress
And here I stand- balancing precariously the health and decisions (the sisterly ones) I can make for one brother while doing the same for the other.
And I want my mother and father here- selfishly for me
Selfishness is a great trait of mine.
Because I tend to want what I want when I want it (of course working for it) and yet, always keeping in mind the fairness of it all
But selfishly wanting them to say

Hey, you doing alright baby

You are good (enough)

You are worthy of love even...

You are beautiful

And you are ... Ok

But
Those are words I will never hear from their lips again
And my solace (like a broken record) is the fact that she is no longer in pain
And my strength is (was) the things I thought I could do
But realizing
I am not special
And I am not capable
And I am just faking the funk
Just waking up
Here
Not even present
Just here
Again

Sometimes I feel...

So today is 'daughters day' and people over Facebook are wishing other people on Facebook Happy Daughters Day. And that's great and all if you have a daughter.  And it is equally great and all if you have a parent that recognized such things. But what if you are a daughter who unfortunately has no one to wish you a happy daughters day-  then what does that make you?

What does that make me?

And not for nothing, these contrived pseudo days we celebrate that are put into the psyche of society really do more harm than good [I'm looking at you specifically Valentine's Day] causing a whole heap of negative emotions and wild thoughts of worthiness and worthlessness at the same damn time. Them some two bad bitches.

Anywho...
Just thought I put it out there
Happy Daughters Day to the daughter I don't have (...)
and happy daughters day to the daughter I hope I was.

coffee thought...

Coffee thought...

Commuting in to work today and there are a bunch of traffic disruptions.

Today, the Pope is headed to NYC and the world is up in arms and disarray trying to prepare and accommodate his visit. 

While he is supposed to be the leader of the Catholic Church and the closest representative to GOD I am feeling very annoyed by this visit. And no offense to the man personally or professionally- cause he and this visit did not do nothing to me- not even change my MTA commute. This disruption and annoyance I feel in my spirit is reminding me of the last time a papal visit happened- specifically April 2008. While all the hoopla that was surrounding the then Pope and him coming to the Bronx to say mass at Yankee Stadium and all the things that were going on.  On the day he came to the Bronx, that was the day we had my mothers funeral. And in meeting the priest prior to having mass arrangements he made a comment that having mass that day was inconvenient/ or getting back from that mass at the stadium was an inconvenience. I remember saying to myself damn sorry my mothers death is an inconvenience to you. And from that point on I have been utterly unfazed by anything St. Augustine or Catholic church wise. I know the Lord thru my upbringing and I have faith and I pray. But I cannot feel reverence for man (priest/ pope) anything because of simple empathy that was not shown. And why how many years later do I bring this up? Because I feel crazy resentment at all that. I feel stupidly angry at something that I cannot change or control. And I feel utterly lost without the guidance and words of my mom and dad. It's stupid cause I am an adult. I think. I mean my bills say I am. But dammit apparently I am no ones child anymore. 

That hurts. 

that's all... 

I thought it would get easier {30 for 30- day 5}

I thought it would get easier
You know 7 years is a long time
But I can truly say
It is never easy
And this is not just another day
Of course the rational me
Rationalizes.
You are in a better place
You are no longer in pain
You are free
You are..
But the irrational me
The one that I am forever keeping in check
Irrationally
Wants more time
Wants a simple conversation
Wants to hold your hand
Wants to not feel hurt
And I know, rationally and irrationality that
It is not possible
That
I have to get over it- this-
I have to let it go
I have to not -
Not think about it
Not think about all of the things that happened
Not think about all the things that didn't happen
Not want what I can never have
And just stop feeling
Because
I thought that with time
My wounds would heal
And it would get easier
But it's not true
Because My wounds
Apparently Left untreated
Refuse to heal
And are
A daily reminder
Of the battle that was loss
Maybe this time
When my pain is palpable
And my heart won't stop hurting



For mom.

coffee thought...

Coffee thought...

So Mother's Day came.
Thoughts of the inspiration my mom is IS something I love to do (although I still get sad it is not something that is completely unbearable). I think about her singing as she drove (which is something I know I do myself) and I think about her laughter and smile and how her eyes crinkled and twinkled when she spoke of her love- and her children - when she was not calling us crazy in a good way.
I remember some of her favorite songs- specifically she liked Whitney Houston and Celine Dion- oh my let us not forget Ms. Tina Turner. She was an icon to mommy.
Mommy was an icon to me, and someone that I am truly happy that God felt fit to have as my mom.
And you know what else? I am so thankful that others experiences mom in all of her mom-ness:
She frequently took in kids/ cooked for folks/ traveled them around places/ generally cared for everyone including the stranger on the street.
I wish and hoped that my mother would have gotten to meet the love of my life, and gotten to know and approve of my choice, and guided me as only a mother could.
I kinda wish that she would have laughed at his jokes and being the mom that he would have to impress (cause he would be such a gentleman and generally a great person) and they would laugh at me and stuff and we would have an all around great relationship.
I kinda wish..
But, I am not all together sad, because I cannot wish for the randomness that I didn't have. I did have the great times with mom, so I am very thankful for that...
yes, happy mothers day to all the mommas!

the thing about cake...

the thing about cake is that it is definitely something
I love to love to have
and will seek to have cake for numerous of reasons-
or no reasons at all.
Well, today would be a reason to have cake-
celebrating the birth of my daddy (April 8)
and he would have been 70 years old today.
I know he had a thing for chocolate
(or maybe had that thing cause I used to want chocolate- some things never change)
and I remember just daddy.
He was the epitome of man for me
(no there are no daddy issues here, thanks)
but what I was explaining this weekend was that
witnessing the love between my mom and dad
(and the arguments, and the care, and the struggle, and the fun times, and the laughter, and the togetherness, and the love, and the love, and the love)
makes me think:

WOW. This happened.
Love happened.
Love is real.
Love is possible.
Love is work.
Love is authentic.
Love is consistent.
Love is constant.
Love is amazing.
Love is just...
Love is something that I want.

So yeah, with that held firmly in my heart, I kind of know what love is (and then the experiences I have experienced) that were nearly love- more like eh-this-is-something kind of way.
And I have faith...in love.

Thanks Dad, Happy Birthday. R.I.P

Day 5- 30 for 30 [National Poetry Month]

Saving you
I thought I could save you
That if I believed hard enough and
Prayed even harder
You would be here.
I sometimes thought that you thought I didn't care.
I thought You would survive
Hell, I thought you would even thrive
I guess...that was a thought wasted.

I thought that any treatment that was done
was for the betterment of you
And that given enough time everything would return to normal.
I guess that was another thought wasted... Whatever that is...

I thought that it was unfair all that was asked of me- and why it was not asked of the rest of the three?
I guess that was another thought wasted

I thought that since God felt fit to take my father away,
he would leave me with a mother/ daughter dance.
I thought that if I made more money and could have gotten you to a better place
maybe there could have been another chance

Well
Your saving grace was never me (how foolish to think i could ever be)
And I know God had different plans
After all
She is the wo-man
I know I'm not supposed to be sad
Hey when you get a moment say hello to dad
I'll try to stop beating myself up
Cause I mean really what the fuck?
That thru all the things what I can truly say
Yes, I made it thru another fateful day
But I guess there were some thoughts wasted.

Are you...

Are you still a daughter a daughter even tho you don't have a mother or father anymore?

Random questions asked of myself...

Sent from my iPhone

I happen

I happen to hate these cancer commercials.
You know the ones where there is someone who is magically (or medically) cured of cancer...because here they are- a testimony to this wonderful doctor or hospital  or treatment.
I really happen to hate these commercials...  
I mean hate with an unnatural,
seething,
vehement anger
and prolonged hatred.
(I have since determined that this is borderline not OK.)
I don't want to do harm to anyone (per se)
BUT...
I mean there is something about them THAT makes me feel like because I couldn't fly to Atlanta or get the 'right' doctors to diagnose (early) and provide the 'right' treatment then I failed my mother in the cancer process. I hear (via them commercials) of those who had advanced staged __ cancer and viola they are cured because of whomever caught it.
They were saved.
Whomever was able to work it out and give then a life beyond this cancer thing.
Give them more time with the ones they love.
Give them one more laugh, kiss, cry, etc
Yippie for them.
I just hate them commercials.

Watching

This movie one true thing...
And it is about a career NY'er who cuts back/ gives up her career to come home to take care of her cancer stricken mother played by Meryl Streep. One of the prevalent scenes is when the mother is in pain and the daughter finds the heating pad for her. It is a scene that bothers me because the mother does not want to bother the daughter and does not want to share the issues with her. Also the daughter is doing the best that she can with not knowing how to properly care for her cancer stricken mother.
I can relate.
It is still heartbreaking the 'end' is always what sticks out to me and the way things happened- the way they felt- how I was unable to fix it.
And how I felt like (feel like) a failure because of it (while realizing I am not GOD in any way shape or form).
I don't know.
Some days I still think
If things were different
If things were different
If things were different

Coffee thought...

Been on a morning music kick that has truly helped me cope with the commute.
Today's songs include a gospel medley and one of moms favorite songs 'you raise me up' which makes me think about her all the time because truly (as a wonderful mother does) she raises you up to be the best you can be and makes sure you are aware if you potential and makes sure if she don't know she tried...
I am glad I had MY MOTHER.
I got tearey eyed but no tears fell....
Is this progress or is this just the way things are nowadays?

that's all...

Everything

Everything.
Happens.
It is surprising (still) to see how the universe brings people together and how small the actual world is.
What brings folks together is shared experiences and life in general and sometimes I am amazed at how random it is and not random at all this all is.
So if you remember last year this time I was preparing to go to St. Thomas USVI to go witness the lovely wedding of my two friends. Well, i mentioned the experience I had flying out from Miami and how there was a service for this fallen police officer. Moving experience.
Fast forward to me training/ part of the expanded role of what I am doing (waiting for the expanded $$ but then I would be waiting forever) and we have interns- one of which I interviewed in March at our higher ed recruitment day. Here we are: 3 weeks into training and he tells me a story about this is coming up on the one year anniversary of his fathers death [no, I don't know how we got on that and no I don't know what it is about that moment that made him share] but he mentioned that his fathers body had to be flown back from Florida to St. Thomas for the funeral. I was like literally getting chills because what a stranger coincidence, right?

 I dig back on my blog and I happened to name the fallen officer-

and sitting right in front of me is his namesake son.

Talk about wow.
Talk about WOW.
So is it a coincidence that I saw that last year and prayed for them all in the way I pray for all those who loose someone (cause I know about that specific loss of a father and a mother first hand)
Is it a coincidence that he applied to NYU and was interviewed and hired by me and now I am training him?

Eh, life has not many coincidences

and is full of happenstance.

This is just one.

Sent from my iPhone

green things...

green cookies- the devil in disguise

Have I every told you about the story of the green cookies?? (The cookies pictured here were undoubtedly part of some professionally baked platter delivered to my office for the triage folks- folks here to help with the summer doings in the place of employment) Well, I will not- under any circumstances- eat a green cookie.
Why you may ask? When there is a chocolate center involved you may ask?
Well... it all started with a Betty Crocker Cooky Bookl I got when I was a little gal. This book (red cover, loads of cookies on the front) was like manna from heaven- I was able to read thru it and recognizing I had most if not all of the ingredients at home deceived to try to bake something.
My specialty was a Bon-bon cookie. with some glaze thing on the top.
The brother ironically the chef- decided to make a green cookie (cause you can add food coloring to anything according to my mother) and we were gonna surprise her. Well, we were measuring everything up & baking up a storm and using every pan in tarnation.  (I believe the other brother's job was to wash the dishes and taste test-- considering he was too young to do anything.)
My bon- bons came out smashing and delectable. and a tannish color. prize winning.
Chef's cookies-- well apparently the tablespoon was used instead of a teaspoon when measuring the salt and these green cookies were the horrible-est tasting things on the planet. I mean wretched. And because we were so proud of them that we presented them to Mommy (so this was after '86) and she lovingly took a bite of each. I think I visibly witnessed her bold pressure rise as she ate the green cookie. The things she did for us children. She politely questioned how much salt did we actually put in the cookie and when chef explained that to her, she was like um baby, that was supposed to be a teaspoon, not tablespoon (and I am sure we didn't even use a tablespoon we just winged it- probably used a serving spoon which is worse).
I believe we all collectively tried to eat another cookie and this is where I think I developed high-blood pressure OK maybe not but ever since then... I refuse to eat any green cookie since my taste buds are still scarred. Then when I learned that green on things typically signify mold-- no thank you.
It is a good thing the chef was not 'disheartened' by this experience... as he continued (and continues) to experiment in the kitchen and come up with crazy culinary concoctions..
but did I tell you about the time he made us all hot tea and put lemon and milk in each cup?
(no one told him it was one or the other and not both)...
there was a line for the bathroom that night...
sigh... the good old days.

Mother's Day 2013

Mother's Day

Something about Mother's Day makes me think about the days I no longer have
physically with my mother. 
What is sad is that I do tend to focus on what I don't got
versus what I do got
and this makes me sad.
I know I have been blessed to have had a mom like mine.
I know for the short time I was raised by her
and lived with her
and loved with her
I was truly a blessed person but yea-
in a world where everyone is out to get theirs
and they must get there's before you get yours otherwise it ain't worth getting-
it makes me think of scarcity
and how for some strange reason I think of 'enough'.
Is it enough?
Is there enough?
Specifically in relation to Mother's Day...
My mothers love - Did I get enough?
Parenting- was there enough? [between both parents that I had and lost]-- was there enough parenting of myself and my siblings on the goings on of being a great woman (me), being a great man (for the brothers), recognizing a great man (for me), etc etc...
Discipline
life lessons
bonding
mother- daughter time
laughter
tears
quiet time
appreciation
gratitude
was there enough?
Is it ever enough?
Well, sometimes yes, sometimes no, but I know you can never get enough of your mothers love.
Period.
So, since it was determined that my physical time with her was ended, the love (I gather) is eternal and that will just have to be enough.

Happy Mothers Day to all.

google doodle courtesy of google.

Blanket thoughts

This is my blanket that I have been trying to make for like 10 years. Now I pull it out to continue my crochet pursuit and there is no needle.
Is this a metaphor for my life: specifically when I am "ready" to use it/ complete something - the essential tools will be gone?
How sad is that...