Coffee thoughts

Coffee thoughts

I thought I didn't have anything to say but that's a lie
You see, here we'd are say 2 of July in the year of 2019 and I am like what the perpetual fuck??? Is it so hard to find a decent man out here in these streets? For the life of me and about to be the death of me I am like sir, Sirs- can we talk?
For instance, I have dabbled here and there on this dating app as to put myself out there. As out there as I'm Going to be since I Am Done with the loud young clubs, blind dating, set ups, unrequited loves lost, married men, unsure of their sexual preference boys and the likes of the sort.
The truth is I'm just a simple woman. Who wants love. Period. I'm not asking for anything more than I care to give but then again what am
I willing to give? That's thought for another day
Anywho
I'm on this dating app trying to meet sane men. Apparently, this is the akin to the quest for the lost city of Atlantis or big foot (hey- maybe all the good men are in Atlantis? )
The randomness of the responses to my profile range from you too beautiful to not have a man hidden somewhere (thanks?) to I find you look just like my sister and that turns me on truly (no thank you).
And I am trying to figure out if this is what is left out there in the world.
Are these the 'lines' that are doing it for the ladies out there?
Are these the actual lines and intentions of Men that are attracting the coupling?
Lawd-- if those are the words that are supposed to be doing it [whatever it it] then I am not the one for it.
Keep me out of it
Keep it away from me
Like, No  for real.
Men out here cannot be saying this reckless shit and expecting seriousness of the responses, like really?

I'm at a loss.
And I lost at this Game of Love thing...




Sent from my iPhone

Reflections...

•Long Post•

Hanging out with the family & friends at the beach, enjoying my last day and the everything that is happening around me, loving the sun & saltwater on my skin- just being present. 

I took a walk because I found myself suddenly getting emotional thinking about LIFE...how precious IT is & how easily things can change • I started crying missing my Dad, wishing he could have been around to show me his island home; he could have shown me which rocks he used to climb/ jump off of, could have reminisced about his 9 siblings, Granny, and the days of his youth • I cried missing my Mom, thinking about how she met my father in Bermuda • I cried thinking about the brother • I cried thinking about my cousin who just passed • It was just a lot.
It is a lot.
Maybe I just needed to cry- for all the things that ain’t right right now and I guess for all the things that are. I’m alive right now and it was a different situation just 1 week ago. I know I’m extremely blessed & forever grateful. • I eventually got myself together, prayed, fixed my face and proceeded to continue living this gift of life. And getting in the water. And laughing at things including myself. And enjoying all of IT. .

coffee thought... Gemini horoscope for May 20 2019

You are on the precipice of a new beginning, dear Gemini. Although this implies that you will just jump right in, it does not actually mean that you have to rush. In fact, you don't have to accept the opportunity of a new beginning at all if you don't want to. You can stick with the same old thing, even though you may not be happy with the status quo. It really is your choice, of course. But if you are brave, you can take a leap of faith and find something much better waiting for you.

well, here is to something new..
oh and by the way only 3 days until my birthday!
gasp~ how is a girl gonna celebrate?
strippers? [no, too greasy...]
penis? [here's to hoping...]
a trip? [why not...]

We shall see...

Getting back to me...

Hello. 

How are you doing?

Nice to see you here. 

I hope you stuck around to see how this here life turned out--- cause I did. 

I mean

I am back

(sort of) 

I am coming back slowly to something of myself

Some semblance of... me 

or 

this new me

this new me that carries these scars

this new me that has this hurt

this new me that has this new pain 

this new me that has this new pain and no new ways of dealing. 

So

I am trying to come back to myself 

come back to the things that make me happy

like

blogging

writing about 

life

stuff

love

hope

dreams

accomplishments

family

just back to me

Yeah,

I thank you for sticking around

and being patient

cause 

GOD is not thru with me yet

and I am not thru yet

and 

I 

am 

coming back

that's all...

Conversations... on Men aint shit

Back story:

Reading a q & A from an author we both follow and admire. 
Basically a woman writes in saying she is a fiance of a 7 yr relationship + is currently pregnant and taking care of him as he has cancer. Finds out he has a million dollar insurance policy and she is not listed (as they are not married- his mom and brother are). Add to this he is living in her place and she is stressed financially, emotionally and physically and he asked and she listed him on her insurance policy as she wanted the best for him. She is UPSET and wondering if she has the right (i mean she is baby momma + fiance and he is not looking out for spawns future and because she does not have the title of wife tho is doing wifey things he feels justified and she thinks he should be a decent human being considering she thought they were building a future together.)
SO me & my girls convo is OFF THE CHAIN cause as Aretha says (R.I.P.) Ain't no way...
I mean what say you?

coffee thought...

So I took this quiz and it is surprisingly accurate for 1:30 pm in the afternoon?
I guess I should find some other words to associate with...
that's all...

coffee thought...

Thinking and singing at work today as I work hard and drink the coffee

[but it is not hard work drinking this coffee here]

and I am

SINGING ALOUD

in my office.

who does that?

ME

as I am feeling this song and the potential for love just swept over me for

no particular reason,

but just FYI I love this song, and the words,

 and the sentiment of someone singing this to me.

One day, it will happen... I claim it!

Give it a listen-- lyrics below

Knocks Me Off My Feet

Stevie Wonder

I see us in the park
Strolling the summer days of imaginings in my head
And words from our hearts
Told only to the wind felt even without being said
I don't want to bore you with my trouble

But there's somethin 'bout your love
That makes me weak and
Knocks me off my feet
There's somethin 'bout your love
That makes me weak and
Knocks me off my feet
Oh baby, said knocks me off my feet

I don't want to bore you with it
Oh but I love you, I love you, I love you
And I don't want to bore you with it
Oh but I love you, I love you, I love you
More and more

We lay beneath the stars
Under a lover's tree that's seen through the eyes of my mind
I reach out for the part
Of me that lives in you baby, that only our two hearts can find
But I don't wanna bore you with my trouble
But there's somethin 'bout your love
That makes me weak and
Knocks me off my feet

There's somethin 'bout your love
That makes me weak and
Knocks me off my feet

Oh baby said you knock me off my feet
I don't want to bore you with it
Oh but I love you, I, ooh honey
I don't want to bore you with it
Oh but I love you, I love you, love you
And I don't want to bore you with it
Oh but I love you, I love you, I love you
More and more

Songwriters: STEVIE WONDER

© EMI Music Publishing, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Recognition

So in the grand scheme of things, this is something that I have wanted for a while. On the bottom is the pic from our Enrollment Management Recognition Breakfast. I was recognized for my contribution to the work in the Financial Aid realm. I mean I guess this is a good thing, this lovely certificate.

The next pic is of my presentation at NASPA- specifically for their Symposium on Financial Literacy. Considering this is something I have been working on for over a year now- the Fin Ed work not the actual presentation, I think it rather cool to go to D.C. and present.

Moving on up in the world, I guess.

visiting hours

Since I am on vacation, I decided to go visit my father's grave in the cemetery. I know i am the only one that come out here when i do because 1- the brothers do not have a car 2- it is not a priority to take public transportation for them ever so 3- if i do not drive them they do not come here. 

Anywho- life goes on and I do what I do. 

This headstone of my father which took 23 years to purchase after a few attempts and disagreements with the family is a sight. It is emotional for me to look at his name etched in stone, conspicuous hyphen in between birth and death date. 

It is heavy. 

Beautiful

but heavy.

The next tombstone visited is where Grandma lay.

Anderson. 

May she rest eternally there. 

It is too soon for the inscription to happen. 

But she is there. 

Mom...

There is not much to say

 because

I tend to miss your physical presence

 more than I can articulate.

And like I always say,

I know you are in a better place

with your mom

and peace

but selfishly I wish I could just be

your daughter- a child

safe

with my mom sitting next to me

or hugging me

or just being a mom to me

and I know that is it not possible

and I know it is not tangible

but I know it is just one wish of mine.

at any rate,

rest well

you are missed

and

always loved.

coffee thought...

A few things.

First I do not owe you shit.

Let's get that clear.

It takes two people to be in this friendship 

and when one person consistently feels they are 

'doing all the work' 

and wakes the hell up and

 CHOOSES 

not to anymore - 

please do not get your damn ass panties in a bunch 

because this is the way it is.

 It's called life and free will and choice

Rant over. So where did that come from?

I had the pleasant opportunity to have a text message conversation with someone whom I called a friend - hell even sister at one point this past weekend and she got upset that our friendship isn't the same and attributes that to Me choosing others over her. I simply explained that as I evaluated the past 2-3 immediate years of this friendship I recognized where the reciprocity was present. 
Simply put- how has she shown up in my life. 
Has she attended any of my functions- like a housewarming or anything?
No. 
Has she made time to celebrate my birthday at any time (let alone the surprise birthday party that was thrown for me)- nope. And let's be clear- I get that maybe a set time/ date may conflict with many of other life plans out there- it happens - but my birthday happened with not so much as a " hey let's get together this random day to acknowledge you". 
Nope. That would never cross their mind. Yet I made it a point to be there for many of her birthdays in different states nonetheless. I traveled across 5 states when the third child was born. I was there for the beginning, middle and witnessed the demise of the 1st marriage and the beginnings and thru the current marriage. 
Yet because she chooses to view the few pics of IG of my life and create her own story (fascinating I tell you) about whom I choose to spend my time with and call out specific people- it seems to me that because maybe you are lacking somewhere (in your life perhaps? In my life- yup because you are not In my pictures perhaps? ) that there is this ...: angst? Jealousy? Over concern about the wrong things- like how about you think about why I pulled away and your contributions to that.

Let's be perfectly clear- because I had to ask you for money that was owed you said I made a federal case- uh no. I asked a year later for money that was owed- hardly a federal case. I traveled up and down the east coast and across several state lines for many a kids birth/ birthday party/ your mothers party and because I am not part of your mommy club or second wives club or whatever and I am an afterthought? Well I'm saving you the time it takes to after- think about me and removing myself from the equation.

Choices

I choose to spend time with friends that listen to me check up on me and show up for me. I gladly and willingly do the same for them no questions asked. I have and used to do that for her. I got wise and checked the interactions and see the feeling was not mutual and I fell back. 
It's life- not rocket science.

Eh. Some people are in your life for a reason, a season, a lifetime, but most of all a lesson. I have learned many a lesson- specifically do not expect people to care as much as I do because not everyone will- and hell not everyone was raised like me. 
Thank you for that. 
As I mentioned... I wish no harm or illness on her and her family- just my time will be spent elsewhere.
Deuces.

Gemini horoscope for Jan 16 2017 (coffee thought...)

coffee thought...

Sometimes when you look really hard for something, you don't find it even if it's in plain sight. That's because - at that moment when we're in a panicked search - that thing we're searching for seems so elusive and so important that we think it will be impossible to find, or it will be in some unreachable place. You are looking for something now, Gemini. You are looking hard. Perhaps you've been looking for quite some time. But it is out there. You just need to relax - and instead of searching - beckon it to come to you.

look

just relax

look

just breathe

look

just be

Me this year

Pictured are 12 'ME's that capture who I was being this 2016. 

There is a story behind everything that happened here- 

alas some pictures are worth more than 1,000 words... 

we shall see what this next year brings, right? 

Be blessed... 

that's all...

Random...

Convo's @ work...

Sparkles:  what is wrong with people?

 me:  where shall i begin,,,

 me:  but good afternoon whats the issue?

 Sparkles:  :   :  oh yeah. good afternoon

 Sparkles:  :    the news talking about how they had to evacuate the met opera house cause somebody was sprinkling some white substance

how about it's his friend's ashes that he sprinkled in the orchestra pit during an intermission. exactly what made you think that was okay

in the orchestra pit? at the opera house?

during a performance

none of that made you give it a second thought

cause if that's okay somebody sprinkle me on michael ealy

shoot don't even wait for me to die. just lay me on top of him right now

 me:  AHAHAHAHAHAHah

wait

maam-- you are on time out

 Sparkles:     :  why? what did i do give me my flowers while I'm still alive

 me:  is that a flower?

  Sparkles:     a rose by any other name...

yay michael

 me:  smh smh smh