Jewels and gems along the way

Jewels and gems along the way

Right now I am waiting in the terminal for a flight enroute to NYC from Ft. Lauderdale. I didn't mention the flight from NYC to FLA because there was no flight. It was basically 20 hours of a power drive- but not straight thru.
My sister friend Gem was moving from NYC to fla. There were things she needed to take down personally including the car. Well, we figured we would leave Friday after work and arrive sometime Saturday evening. Have a good few days of Florida sun and go back to work rested. Not the case as we didn't leave until Sunday morning. Well I can completely say that i am blessed because by the grace of God we were protected thru the whole trip. All day on Saturday I was home. Doing things like cleaning and fixing up the place. Tried to get some rest but when you are expected to up and go at any moment it is not a place you can get totally rested at all. But somehow, between all the antics that did happen for her to be delayed in getting from her house to my house- again u can only say blessed.
Got to the Restaurant and why does a glass completely shatter in my hands. Like really. Is that a sign or something? Anyway before we even left the parking lot she was sleep and I was in my thoughts (along with traffic). She slept for s good 3 hours in the beginning and in that time I had a great run on thinking and thoughts. Part of my thoughts usually revolve around love and life and friends and movement and growth and alone and God and father and family and mommy and just...stuff.
When she woke up our great conversation started. I mean what I love about sisterhood is the truth and honesty. And the best thoughts and hopes and wishes we have for each other.
One of the major concerns in my life is the 'when will my love come along' thought process and when will I have ___ <~~ insert child, love, man, comfort, security. All of those things. All of em.
We laughed about the randomness of everything and the lives we have had this far. I dunno.
Some of the things she said- like love is out there for me and I need to just believe. And pray. And have faith.
I do.
During the ride we stopped for gas in a few places and stopped overnight in Wilson, NC. Had bojangles for the first time in my life. We had a suite it was interesting.
Time for rest. Monday rolls around and we have complementary breakfast and then gonna hit the road for the rest of the way. Road map says 10 hours. I think I can do the whole drive - considering she wasn't feeling well and considering it is what I could contribute. There are many many times in this world where I think I am not enough- not smart enough, not tall enough, not pretty enough, just not enough to be picked to be loved or wanted or...just enough.
(Mind you this is coupled with the random times that I am more than enough and am actually just enough but I digress)
And then it became a personal goal. Can I drive the whole way to Florida? Why would I?
What would that accomplish?
I don't know.
But I did it.

Rainy night thoughts

Is that thunder and lightening again? 

While the overall sounds of the rain generally soothe my soul 

It is the crackling of fhe lightening and the feriousious thunder that scare the crap outta me. 

I have come to a couple of conclusions:

This sleeping alone business (especially nights like these) is something I am not cut out for. 

I wish I could just find 'him' for me already because right about now I know what I want and I know who I am. 

I just...

that's all. 

Day 3~ 30 for 30 (National Poetry Month)

[standing in the sun while it's dark inside]

I wish you stood in the sun with me

I wish you could hold my hand

I wish you could talk to me in the light

Not just the stolen minutes at night

I wish the truth was real

I wish this rain could heal

I wish you knew how I feel

Not just the lies we tell to just deal

I wish you could acknowledge this

I wish you could feel us

I wish I could feel you

Not just my imagined pieces will do

I wish I could change the start

I wish you didn’t steal away my heart

I wish I didn’t fall apart

Damn, and here I thought I was so smart

 

I wish I was not your secret

I wish I was your visible honor

I wish you choose me

Not just the surreptitious shame we happen to be

Oh

How I just wish you stood in the sun with me

What is that saying about...

What is that saying about opening a can of worms or not wanting to open the can of worms because once it is opened you have to deal with all the worms that come spilling out?

Imagine that.

Imagine everytime you think you have one little worm back in the can (cause we all carry our worms in a can, right?) that another little worm comes slythering out.

That is exactly what therapy is like only bigger, badder, and better complete with actual feelings emotions and consequences.

I can partially deal with feelings (i feel) and quite frankly deal with emotions (keep em' hidden) but give me consequence and give me death.

Perilous is the nature of the line of questioning for the day.

See I thought I could just let it be-
it be what it is and never visit it
or touch it
or react to it-
just let it be.
Make no sudden movements around it
Hell not even acknowledge it
and just let it be.
Fortunately I was able to live for a long time like that-
I mean life keeps ya busy when you need to be...
and I never did take the time to look for it again
cause I figure when it was ready it will come.
Like rain to the desert
or solace for a sinner
IT will come.
Unfortunately
sometimes it is too late
and after periods of drought
and stages of perpetual sin
it doesn't come for you like you want it-
doesn't even feel like it used to-
it just doesn't satisfy what it needs to
it just isn't enough.
If the garden isnt watered
the flowers no longer bloom.
If the sunlight never nourishes
this world does not grow.
If you don't get it in time
there is no substitute-
if you miss it
it will hurt you.
If you don't see it
you may not know it anymore
Now I can't say when exactly
I realized it wasn't here no more...
again I say life keeps you busy when it needs you...
but please
Remember it
Acknowledge it
Cherish it
Hold it
fuck it

It's crazy..
I am too.

coffee thought...

today in the pouring yet soothing rain
i think about these past few days
of sweltering heat
and random randumb thoughts
I am amused.
amused at the things I take so seriously
and the things that just are what they are
sorta like it is what it is
this iced coffee is oh so lovely.

that's all...

Walking in the rain

there is this water feature I pass on my commute that is rarely on..

but today in the rain they turn it on.

it is pretty

raindrops

Distort that which i see
The visions of the world
are sprinkled with rain
Making everything all jeweled & sparkly.
Can you see the beauty in this?

thinking...

that my current favorite quote of the moment is from Quincy Jones...

"when it rains, just get wet"

i approve, not only for the simplicity of the statement, but for the profoundness of it.
think about it (yes it is raining outside currently)it is rain, water, nourishing, life-sustaining. While being prepared is definitely a plus (kudos for those of you who have cute rain boots + Paddington Bear-like rain slicker complete w/ red hat) sometimes there are showers and wind that come along and tend to wash away the grit that life is currently dishing up. It (to me) serves as a lesson and chance to renew (or my favorite saying...Relax, Relate, Release!)
so just don't be alive, taking up space...

go out and live your Life

and in the meantime smile...

be thankful...

and take a walk in the rain.

rainy day thoughts

rumblings of thunder followed by the raindrops on the ground...
today is such a lazy & rainy day.
it makes me wish i had a clean apartment & a glass of rum cream

to just chill out and meditate...

while i dont have the clean apartment, i will enjoy this rum cream. todays choice..cruzan rum cream. YUM

coffee thought...

today i didn't have any coffee.

there were thunderstorms & lightening and major malfunctions today.

I wonder if there is a connection.

that's all...