Towels...and the illusion of it all...

The thrill is gone the gig is up. 
The mystery has been solved. 
All pretense and performance can stop as there is nothing left. 

Take a look at this pic....

(This pic is courtesy of a random google search... Just random)The thing that shattered the perception of perfect is these here towels.

Normally towels are not something to destroy your perception but in this case they happen to be.
Towels just molded over this bulky foam thingy- just atrocious.  I used to think that in the store- people took time to actually fold the towels/ placed them expertly on the shelves and efficiently placed the lines together.

It makes me think of all the other perceived perfections of the world-

like snazzy red shoes would really take you very far- 

and maybe in some cases if you were someone who could actually wear those shoes and not feel like a fraud then probably you are going somewhere.

I'm not that person (all the time) tho I continually try to walk that walk...in heels.  Some days I can, I do. Others... not so much... Yet somehow, just like we were sold (and bought) the dream of work hard, don't be a burden to society, pay your bills on time and eventually you will have a house, car, man and 2.5 kids with a white picket fence and all the great sex you can handle (no one else was sold that????!) 

The reality is that is not the case. 

It is an illusion complete with disappointed, unfulfilled unions, balloon mortgages, looming foreclosure, hearty student loan payments for a degree you have not 'actually used' yet, mediocre if that sex with random strangers and the disenchantment if it all. 

You post on the wide world web your fabulous time had at some swanky NY hotspot but fail to mention the 2 hr line you waited in, the cheap off the rack shoes that pinch your toes, the dress (or mens items) that the tag is tucked into just so you can  return it to the store still maintaining that illusion. The standing at the bar hoping to bee seen and chatted to and even touched.

Yes. Touched- just to FEEL- yes, you forgot to mention that.

 Anywho may as well enjoy the illusion- whodunit and ran did say the freaks come out at night.

Also....this pic right here... Folks in denial about a drinking habit (not it!!)

BFTP: dreams and things...

Dreams & things
Current mood: froggy
Category: horny Dreams and the Supernatural

So I know I am going to open myself into a whole heap of questions/ trouble/ "looks of concern" by divulging this but…

Can I just say there is something inherently wrong with me??

Now I know I put on a good look and a great face, have magnificent shoes & and have a hell of a personality (I don't make this shyt up) but really there is something in truth wrong with me, I mean that is the only conclusion I can come up with why… (We will get into that later in) NO, don't get me wrong, I mean I am not talking about "wrong with me" like "oh my goodness, there is something sticking out your side" or, "oh my goodness, I am going to die"(no I don't wish that on anyone including myself) [unless one can die from loneliness and lack of sex ( I may have to google that)] but it is more like, wow tash, for more reasons than one, 1) you are lonely and THAT is blatant, palpable, and truly real…2) for all the morals and stuff I attempt to live by, why oh why are you having sexual dreams & escapades about HIM? (this leads me back to the prior notion that there is something wrong with me…)

I mean really of ALL the folks on this WWW & on Gods green earth WHY would my subconscious consciously wrap myself up with HIM? And not once, not twice, lets just say more than a few times come to mind (no pun intended). And the fact that it is HIM is just WRONG cause well WRONG WRONG WRONG. I mean is it possible that…I mean there are sooo many amazing men I ogle, drool over, fantasize about, and yes admittedly admire like Denzel Washington, Boris Kodjoe, Morris Chestnut, Nate Parker, Dwayne Johnson, Keston Karter and a few Michaels to boot like Michael Jordan, Michael Jai White, and Michael Ealy to name a fair few.  So why does me + rolling around with HIM in bed *multiplied by a number of acrobatic & compromising positi.. shame shame shame…. Oh and another thought, what does that say about me? What does that say about my morals and values? What does this say about my sexuality? What are my dreams/visions trying to tell me that is not coming thru in the daytime? I am so confused and so not in the know. And then who does one ask about this type of thing? All these thoughts and emotions are running thru my head on a nightly basis, which wakes me up as an emotionally drained, tired and horny woman. I am in desperate need some chocolate, and more coffee, hell and some sex…

Currently listening :  I wanna sex you up    Color Me Badd Release date: 17 April, 1991

Shoes...yay

I found the ever elusive shoes! Whoo hoo-- these are going to the wedding in St. Thomas with me...
It saves me from purchasing these...

 

and the thriftyness continues...

$12.00 shoe

Cute find for the summer commute.
$12.00 and comfortable.
Love a bargain ;)

that's all...

Coordinated

I found shoes to match my nails.
Now all I need is a place to go
 (and a lesson in walking like a girl ;)

this signifies the end of summer...

this signifies the end of the summer...i am retireing these sandals

Name: Steve Madden Cost: about $29.00

Type: gladiator/ ankley flat sandals

I wore these babies OUT. These puppies took me thru various task here in the big Apple & abroad (St. Thomas anyone?) I loved the way they were beaded and jewely which went with just about any outfit (so long as one had a cute pedicure in any of the lucious candy colors summer brings about)

Ahh the memories... but alas since the weather has changed to the cooler (hello fall boots!) and the toes need to be covered (cause this lil' piggy does NOT need to go to the Dr. on some cold shit) we have to say farewell to the lovely sandals.

Killin em today

With the shoes!
IF i showed the whole outfit
I would be fierce
(not exactly sasha fierce but close enough)
got a few compliments ;0
Anywho...
more on life later!

Lunch...

this is my lunch for today
because
i have acquired a few other tasty morsels
to satisfy my appetite....
enjoy!


:)

looking for the money tree

or at least the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow...
cause right now it is kind of nearing the end of the month & my bank account is hanging on by a wing and a prayer that my student loan payment coming out on 2/28 does not put me into the deep blood red of overdraftiness...
I vowed to be more fiscally responsible and trying to stop charging with the credit cards so that I may be free (financially) from the pits of hell and subjugation of the credit card companies each month--think of how much free money I would have in my paycheck? maybe not too too much seeing as how I am making minimum payments on most of them-- but someday I wish to own a home where I can roll around in a full or *gasp* queen bed of my choice. Have ample closet space for a variety of sensuous shoes and sensible ones to boot-but not too many cause waste not want not. I don't know what it will take for me to want that more than I want whatever it is I purchase on a monthly/weekly basis to fill the missing pieces of my current life BUT I have to figure it our before I am really in over my head.

********************EDIT*******************************
so i just visited suze orman's page for helpful hints to get on track and know where i am in the grand scheme of things and know what I have to do to make debt free a reality...
Well where did I think I was? I thought I was about $10,000 in credit-card debt
Where am I? I owe exactly $5,572 (check that out...)
What does that mean? well I owe LB $188.20 & kohls $136.26 (which both could be paid off by April cause they both carry a 23% interest rate! conveniently issued by the same bank)
Then I owe Visa $1473.12 which carries a 21.24% interest rate & then capital one ($2898.68/ 18% interest) & finally Chase (876.15/ 17% interest)...
What gets me (besides putting this out here) is that why am I carrying such HIGH interest rates? well because I ignored the 'warnings' . Yes there were signs, last year Obama signed into law this credit card reform where Banks had to disclose all the terms on each card and banks cannot erroneously raise fees for no reason. SO before this stuff went into law today banks on the sly were raising fees and beginning to charge higher fees & annual cardholder fees etc.
My bad, I didn't pay attention to that and all the disclosures in the mail that preceded today but
WATCH me now.. I will be debt free and still be able to LIVE.

coffee thought...

It is Friday the beginning of the long weekend (because it happens to be Presidents day holiday on Monday so we are off from work.) It also happens to be Valentines day this weekend so basically if you have a love, you have a longer time to celebrate with said love.
Of course this means if you don't have a lover, you have a longer time to sulk about it...
or in my case shop for more shoes...

that's all...

Oh wait that is not all....
another Google doodle!! Tonight is the start of the Winter Olympics in Canada... Go Team USA in whatever sport we play!
OK that's all... for now....

Addiction is...

look at the shoes....

I think I am an addict, and admitting it would be the first step…

Definition: Addict noun a person who is addicted to an activity, habit, substance, or compulsive activity<---I imagine I am that 3rd one; but let me explain why and how…

So in an ongoing attempt to organize my life, and thus in the organization of the creative chaos called my existence; I will achieve some clarity and gain the divine vision that is the purpose of my being enabling me to effectively take over the world…

(Translation: yeah I am trying to straighten up) AGAIN.
At the suggestion of Tanya, she said I could utilize my closet space better by putting some or most of my shoes in these great clear shoe boxes from this place called the container store.

You can see their site at (http://www.containerstore.com/).

With this help even I could get my organization on…
Well as I purchased a case of 20 shoe boxes ($34.00) and thought hmmm is this going to be enough? I mean surely as a woman of a certain age, I have a number of shoes but favor a fair few + as a African-American woman + native New Yorker my MTA commute means I wear sneakers because you never know when you will have to stop, drop and roll, or run to the Bronx as one escapes out of dodge.

just like the boy scouts, I am always prepared, so I could not possibly have that many shoes...
And as I delve deep into the depths of my closet to stopover some of my secrets (oooh who knew that was in here) and visit some of my skeletons (hey how ya'll doing? Long time no see) I seem to have some "choice" footwear that should definitely be retired (is that a penny loafer?), and some others that I truly didn't know I had (hello red ankle strap heels!)

Now as I organize the shoes shoes shoes and take pics of them

(for insurance purposes of course)

I wonder…

at what point is this above and beyond a slight addiction to a full blown problem?

When I had to go back to the container store on Sunday to get another 20 boxes? Or now, when I am contemplating purchasing the boot boxes at $8.00 a box (cause they so pretty)

…hmmm...

I can certainly relate to MY inner Carrie Bradshaw, but my outer Diva is like, "Look trick, the boots can stand all by themselves in the closet" and think about it; the approximately $72 I would save on not purchasing the boot boxes could go towards another shoe. Of course this would then just put me into a vicious circle of going out to procure more shoe boxes (though I could acquire just one at a time…but why?) oh what a tangled web we weave…

To Whom It May Concern:
Two things as I set forth this (_____)THIS ALL into the universe
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
1) Send me some clarity in this existence called life (cause I figure if I straightened up my life a bit, life would open up room for more...)
2) send me a man who will love me for me (and my shoesJ)
just love…