Happy New Year--kinda late...

Happy New year!
I mean I am 7 days into 2014 and 2 days back to work so that is a plus.
A plus because work was closed due to the ridiculous amounts of snow experienced in the NYC area...
(sigh)
I need to move to Bermuda stat...
anywho
What has happened in the previous days of my non blogging self?
Well, mostly just figuring out some things about myself for myself AND watching a bunch of movies (crash, a wonderful life, Mandela, horror stuff) had a great time at a NYE party at TD house (#nobehaviorcrew) and then a good chill session.
Today.
It seems like chef has had a relapse and has checked himself into 'the place'. What is troubling  (not only about 'the place') is that we (his other sibling + me + his other aka girlfriend) had a real conversation session on Sunday about their relationship and the parameters in which they show love.

Side note:

why is it folks come to me with their relationship issues?

me the currently non relationship having one?

me, also the one who is looking for love but coming up empty.

me, the one who also know what is not acceptable/

what is a deal breaker

and what is not tolerable.

eh.

I guess it's me.

It wasn't working (the conversation and space between them) and proceeded to make everyone involved some tea (hey, I'm part British and it soothes the soul) I chatted with them some more and tried to determine their intentions--- hell, everyones intentions for that matter---and clarify those intentions and actions toward each other that they do to get to their love.
Also wanted them to communicate better and make things work (that's just me, but that aint my business)...but at that time , could tell bro had checked out of this part of reality and was entering his world.
What does this mean?
Well, being back in the hospital means he has access to folks he can talk to to probably help better get situated to the things that are going on.
It also means he recognizes when he is in need and that is better than being forceably placed.
He also said that they appreciated the chat with me and I know what I am doing.
I guess...
I hope.

Update 1/21/14: bro is out and doing fine. a little reset button never hurt no one.

coffee thought...

my throat hurts.. 
I think I will have some tea today.
thinking about fall allergies...
considering I have allergies all damned year long,
am I just an allergic person?
is it my environment that is slowly draining my sinus'
and causing my eyes to water
and my skin to be parched?
is it just that time of year?
is it all of the above...
and I am just that sensitive?

that's all...

Monday breakfast

it is the little things like waffles & dinges that make my morning happy (and i really only like strawberries & powdered suga on it suga!)

*things i do when i can't have coffee*

coffee thought...

3/22/11 8:41 am

In the train gathering my train of thoughts
This past weekend we celebrated the birthday of TD on a lil lunch cruise around NYC. Of course we took pics & talked crap about life, politics & the world. It was a fabulous time as we chatted, danced a bit & ate. Imagine this- 35 and you are a first-time mother. Wow. Definitely different from last year this time. Anywho, she does the damned thing & was extremely happy. After the lunch, we did a lil karaoke & then to her home for a surprise party. All in all a nice day. Sunday ushered in the first day of spring so spring has sprung but it is like 40 out there so no time to put away your winter coats just yet.

I have been thinking about my life (wow really) and how I think I am fairing with the passing of my mother and the tumultuous relations I have with my emotions and such. I believe thru time, prayer, friendship & therapy things are beginning to look OK. Not bad for 3 yrs. Is everything perfect? far from it. will it get better, one can only hope.

Speaking of hope, it seems that it is "OK" to not be all "someday my prince will come"optimistic about relationships/love and the prospects of it all simply because of my experiences+ my current happenstances+ the current state of affairs= making it hard to "just grin and bear it". Sometimes you (I) just want to be pissed off at the fact that here I am __<-- (insert an age here) years old and this is your life (in Ralph Edwards voice- no I am not that old). Is this what you imagined while you (I) was up many a night studying hard on them tests that we (I) needed to pass just to get into a 'good' HS in NYC to graduate with a good g.p.a. so that you can get accepted into a 'good' college and get a 'good' job. All of that was supposed to flow so seamlessly and everything was supposed to be all good. Like Theo said in the Cosby show, "No Problem", right? Oh how very wrong. And let's be realistic, who flows thru life with no problems? We (I) got that-- as well as got problems but we (I) figure with a modicum of perseverance in place progress to the pinnacle point would be achieved. I mean I never ever blemished my permanent record {wherever that is} & I did as much as I could possibly do without falling out.

Yet I am here.

Which makes me really kinda upset cause I was supposed to be over there... you know where there is. There is the place with the 2.5 kids & a yard & a stable job & a committed loving husband & a shared goals (or 3) & a sense of being in and of the world & giving back and you know all them things. I know I wanted them back then and thought that (just like everything else we work hard at) it will 'soon come'.
Well soon is passing me by and tomorrow is another day for another dollar and another promise.
So yeah, it is OK for me to have a bitter day, week, moment so long as I am not curled up in a ball on 14th street.

(maybe on 86th, they got $$ up there and maybe a rich dr would take me home...LMAO)

coffee thought...

i am staring at this tea cup willing it to be coffee...
PLEASE BE COFFEE...
apparently my Jedi mind tricks are not working...

that's all...

coffee thought...

well actually tea thoughts as i have given up coffee for lent this year. this is definitely an experiment of the mind, body & soul...or just another insanity test that i like to put myself thru. eh, we will see. we will also see what affect/ effect this has on my interactions with the world around me seeing as how i generally rely on the soothing effects of caffeine to start, continue & end my days.

such is life.

speaking of life, thoughts & prayers to those affected by the earthquake in Japan & the subsequent tsunami's out there- it is amazing and a bit scary what this world is capable of.

that's all...

coffee thought...

or tea time?
yeah i feeling a little down so i decided to have some good ole' Lipton Tea.
It soothes the soul..


that's all...

mood swings

Like the title says, mood swings happen faster than I can even fathom because one moment I am focused, working here and attempting to make a difference. The next minute I am in tears about some mundane piece of skin on my hand that can kind of sort of make me think about my mom and Jesus why am I crying yet again. I need a pill or something.

Update:

• NO, I still have not found counseling & at this point (about to be a year later what's the point?) what's done is done, what's not done is not done and move along.
• Still 'fighting' -the weight of myself is heavy (physically & mentally). I am trying to raise myself to some level of peace...this is a heavy load to bear that is not getting any easier or lighter to carry.
  
• This debt of mine is crushing me. Actually debt from every decision of my life is crushing me (good or bad decisions, how ironic the debt has to be paid at some point) whether it be the choice i made to go to school & get a degree= now I have to pay for it monthly to the tune of $700 to Mrs. Sallie Mae or the choice I make to drink tea & coffee each day= the non-white teeth I possess. Yes there is a price to be paid.

now all I have to do is just breathe.

coffee thought...

today it is tea time...

not as in high tea with the queen...

but more like

"oh-goodness-i-am-trying-to-not-to-get-sick-tea"

that's all...