In the train gathering my train of thoughts
This past weekend we celebrated the birthday of TD on a lil lunch cruise around NYC. Of course we took pics & talked crap about life, politics & the world. It was a fabulous time as we chatted, danced a bit & ate. Imagine this- 35 and you are a first-time mother. Wow. Definitely different from last year this time. Anywho, she does the damned thing & was extremely happy. After the lunch, we did a lil karaoke & then to her home for a surprise party. All in all a nice day. Sunday ushered in the first day of spring so spring has sprung but it is like 40 out there so no time to put away your winter coats just yet.
I have been thinking about my life (wow really) and how I think I am fairing with the passing of my mother and the tumultuous relations I have with my emotions and such. I believe thru time, prayer, friendship & therapy things are beginning to look OK. Not bad for 3 yrs. Is everything perfect? far from it. will it get better, one can only hope.
Speaking of hope, it seems that it is "OK" to not be all "someday my prince will come"optimistic about relationships/love and the prospects of it all simply because of my experiences+ my current happenstances+ the current state of affairs= making it hard to "just grin and bear it". Sometimes you (I) just want to be pissed off at the fact that here I am __<-- (insert an age here) years old and this is your life (in Ralph Edwards voice- no I am not that old). Is this what you imagined while you (I) was up many a night studying hard on them tests that we (I) needed to pass just to get into a 'good' HS in NYC to graduate with a good g.p.a. so that you can get accepted into a 'good' college and get a 'good' job. All of that was supposed to flow so seamlessly and everything was supposed to be all good. Like Theo said in the Cosby show, "No Problem", right? Oh how very wrong. And let's be realistic, who flows thru life with no problems? We (I) got that-- as well as got problems but we (I) figure with a modicum of perseverance in place progress to the pinnacle point would be achieved. I mean I never ever blemished my permanent record {wherever that is} & I did as much as I could possibly do without falling out.
Which makes me really kinda upset cause I was supposed to be over there... you know where there is. There is the place with the 2.5 kids & a yard & a stable job & a committed loving husband & a shared goals (or 3) & a sense of being in and of the world & giving back and you know all them things. I know I wanted them back then and thought that (just like everything else we work hard at) it will 'soon come'.
Well soon is passing me by and tomorrow is another day for another dollar and another promise.
So yeah, it is OK for me to have a bitter day, week, moment so long as I am not curled up in a ball on 14th street.
(maybe on 86th, they got $$ up there and maybe a rich dr would take me home...LMAO)
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