Coffee thought Tuesday

Tuesday

It's been a while since I was able to say I has some random thought while savoring my coffee considering most days I'm barely able to finish let alone enjoy the coffee.

...as you can see from this feeble attempt at a post I am barely able to finish that.

that's all...


Later in the evening:
Your energy level is high now, and you work very enthusiastically. You also are able to manage and motivate others very effectively, and you may find yourself involved in a successful and productive team effort.

Well that happened...

Rainy night thoughts

Is that thunder and lightening again? 

While the overall sounds of the rain generally soothe my soul 

It is the crackling of fhe lightening and the feriousious thunder that scare the crap outta me. 

I have come to a couple of conclusions:

This sleeping alone business (especially nights like these) is something I am not cut out for. 

I wish I could just find 'him' for me already because right about now I know what I want and I know who I am. 

I just...

that's all. 

Sometimes folks are just

Sometimes folks are just

More crazy than you anticipate (and in my lifetime I have accounted for and witnessed a ton of crazy).


Sent from my iPhone

Heartbroken...

I have been struggling to write for the past couple of evenings for a myriad of reasons- all of them outside forces threatening my inner peace (and granted no one can disrupt your peace unless you allow them) but the senseless killing of Michael Brown- an unarmed teen in Ferguson, Mo. is very upsetting and the actions by the authorities are deplorable. Another young black male whose life was deemed 'not valid enough' by some officer of the law. Another young black man whose potential and life will never be realized. Another young black man whose parents have to bury him and then seek answers & justice (Ha!) in a system that is designed for us never to prevail. Never to have a piece of peace. Why? I mean there is never an answer to this question or any of the other questions that I have so why bother....

Sigh

But I still pray. 

(Picture is of current protests in Times Sq, NY) 

Relationship woes (not it)

It is amazing the lengths
and depths
that people will go thru to say they are in a relationship.
I wonder if someone is continually treating you in a manner
that is not how you want to be treated
if that is something you continually put up with
just to say you have someone.
Like for example,
 you live and love with someone
and they are not the person you are use to.
Their moods and their care of thyself is severely lacking
and that is affecting y'all relationship.
Why stay?
Why put up with that?
What is love other than to continue to so the same things over and over?
What's love go todo with it?


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It's must be the way things are

Because I was speaking to a very intelligent friend of mine who happens to have some dating debacles of her own- but one common theme is that these men (when they do get up the courage to ask ya out or be out with ya) they want to turn all possessive on you like Daffy Duck and his 'mine mine mine' scenario. They want to wife you and make ya barefoot and pregnant within 3.8 seconds of meeting you.
And have the nerve to vocalize that complete with crazy stares and crazy creepy behavior. And while being a wife (yikes) and being a mother (double yikes) is something I want (one day) DUDE- can you not come on all crazy in the immediate meeting of you- I mean I appreciate your honesty but damn.
And this is why I am single-- cause settling for bullshit because society says I should (and crazy bullshit at that) ain't for me.
that's all...

fairy tales and fantasy...it seems

This is what i 'want' my journey in love to be like...

in some way shape or form

Man of my dreams will say...

 

and I will say to him...
 

...and man of my dreams will then reply to me...

and of course, i would feel/ say this to him

...and this will be my happy ending.


hey, some fantasies are better than fairy tales anyway.
at least mine are....
 

Work and then more work

Work and then more work

It is 8:31 pm on a Monday night. I am just leaving work- chipotle dinner in my hand and I may be too tired to even ingest it.
Today was busier than it needs be- as it was the day before bills were due- and the phone volume was beyond belief. Literally beyond belief.
I am more tired than I am regularly. (Physically) mentally my mind is restless and I am not settled.
I am thinking about what could have been done differently. What maybe would have prepared folks for the onslaught of the myriad of calls that are here.
Anywho- tomorrow is another day and another dollar.

It ain't me, it's you- no, really it's you.

So what is interesting is that it ain't me... No really it isn't me. Cause clearly if you are having issues figuring out #1- who you are #2 what you want and #3 who you are attracted to then: 
It.
Ain't.
Me.
And what is surprising and utterly validating about this revelation is that it kinda makes me OK about some choices that I have made- the stances I took/ take (strike a pose darling!) and the outcomes that have COME OUT of these situations.
I am sure by now you are utterly intrigued...
Case study #1: remember this New Year's Day past I had a date (set up from a co-worker) and hey what a way to bring in the new year with some possibilities possibly possible. <----- I like that it may be a title to my next poem
Anywho, I had chatted with dude for a couple of weeks sporadically (let's be clear he claimed to be pursuing me- based on what the coworker said and he saw my picture and made it clear how attractive and generally seemingly nice I seemed and considering she talked me up a bit how I seem like someone he wants to know--keep this in mind.) well he finally asked me to meet/ have some food drink some coffee tho he don't like coffee- strike #1- and not that you have to be a connoisseur of coffee or tea for that matter but know the audience. Anywho in determining when a time would be appropriate seemed to be something that we could not get together. And in the various conversations with him it was like pulling teeth with no Novocain. 

Utterly painful.

Coupled with the fact he would repeat my name three times anytime he said my name (someone please shoot me shoot me shoot me). Annoying. And in the conversation- this was me not being my wittiest. Because I read the crowd and figured out he could not handle all of my sarcasm and wit. Which is strike #2 because if I have to diminish myself just to get a date then I am doing all of us an injustice. And he could not suggest or pick a place. Strike #3 or #4 because I would like you to be a man about it- polite and considerate of what I would be allergic to or something is wonderful but all in all decide. 

Please. Please. Please.

Well, I picked a place and figured let's try this. On New Year's Day. Yay. Suffice it to say, I was the aggressor in the conversation and in this whole interaction (I.e. I was carrying the date). I was trying my best to be demure (no really) and lady-like and not the being that I am (but that ain't last too long). #1- he was late. Ok. #2- he was rude to the server (for no reason) and #3- he was short and not my type. Period. {save the short comments because really ok}. So that ain't work out. And no, I didn't kiss him - tho to be quite honest I was glad but then feeling like hey buddy you ain't even try for a kiss what does that say about me? I quickly let that pass and figure that was for the best. Quickly.
Well, come to find out he is engaged to be married this October. From a chick who needs her papers (which is not relevant because he loves her). And I am like whoa. Yay. Good on you, right? Cause that is what you wanted- someone to love you and let you take care of them and have them need you. Well there she is- Ms. Not-American (but no judgement cause love comes from all over the globe- cause remember even I was proposed to by a 'Prince'). Any who that is that...

Case study #2- think back- waaayyyy back to a few years ago when I was a bridesmaid one of my friends weddings. And there was this dude and were chatting and all that. And we went on a date or two. And laughed. And talked about A LOT of things. And remember I was considering 'laying some morals down by the wayside' and considering some of the outrageous things he was saying [like he didn't need to meet my family/ friends because the relationship is with him+me not them] and [he would have me loving him and married in 6-7 months HA] and [he wanted to make me cum a minimum of 6-7 times or something to that effect] and he didn't think I needed to hang out so much with so & so or didn't ask about my day too much or any of them things but that's ok as long as I was available for his needs and whims and etc etc]... You get the point. And remember how abruptly the conversations ended once I wouldn't give up the goods (hey, I got some restraint and moral fiber) and remember how all I could do/ say was "what is wrong with me because I am the only common denominator in this equation of my non romantical relationship life".
And remember how all my friends were like you ain't need him anyway, he wasn't attractive enough for you and he was living with a woman anyway (in my semi-defense he said they were broken up and you know the rent in NYC is too damn high) and all them things friends say to make you feel better about yourself but don't believe 1/2 the time because you (me) is wrapped up in the pity party for one?
Turns out it wasn't me.
It was he.
Specifically, it was another HE.
As in HE turned out to fancy He's not this she.
Gasp!
Like, really really really????
Like OMG really? Talk about a down low undercover brother.
Well he is happy and in a relationship at this time with a man and is utterly happy to no longer live a lie.
Now, let me be clear I am beyond the moon ecstatic that love has found a way [for someone because it ain't me] and I am truly happy that the truth has set him free. I am also utterly thrilled I dodged a slew of bullets with that one {CAN YOU IMAGINE???!?!?!!!!} and I don't care if you love women, men, rat-tailed squirrels or Shetland Ponies- be honest and truthful in all your dealings [especially with me thank you very much] because only with honesty will you be able to have the truth. I mean I am always truthful (to a fault...) and my reactions directly correlates to the acting you gave me.
So my truth at the time was that I was attracted to him. A man in flux about his sexuality and experimenting with it while fighting to be with what "society" deems best (and his church- did I mention his church?). Oh by the way, a 'safe black girl' was my role in that scenario.
Anywho suffice it to say, of some of the interesting offers I have had- these are some of the outcomes.
And it ain't me.

On to the next one(s)...
that's all...



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Today's Gemini Extended Horoscope

Gemini, Daily Extended Horoscope, Thursday, July 31st:

You're full of groundbreaking ideas right now. And they're not selfish -- you're all about contributing to humanity and establishing a niche on this crazy planet. Even if you can only improve your small corner of the world, you'll consider it a success. So what if people call you idealistic or a bleeding heart? You know what you're all about and you know what makes you tick. Let the naysayers spew their negativity. Your karma is as shiny as gold.

Yeah baby, I am all about that life...
karma, she ain't that b*tch today (or maybe she is dressed impeccably that i cant recognize her)
but I am establishing my niche in this crazy planet by clearing the boxes out my rooms in my apartment little by little and letting go of things I thought were important...
funny, how the things we hold on to and end up moving sometimes don't matter anymore.
well, maybe they matter but I guess if it serves no purpose (no improvements or anything happening because of said object) then what am i holding on to it for?

that's all...

F*ckin Ni&&as...

It is Eid (for the Muslim friends who celebrate it). 

It is Sunday evening. 

It is me leaving my 89 year old grandmothers house after a quick 20 minute visit in my old neighborhood. 

What do I come out to? 

A motherfuckin scratched car- literally like someone keyed my car. 

REALLY? 

#1- I ain't fuckin no one else's man. Shit, I ain't fuckin any man at the moment. 

#2- It is a motherfuckin almost 10 year old corolla. 

#3- are people still doing that these days? Like for why? What purpose does that serve? To piss someone off- well it worked but

#4- ya Ni&&as may want to get the correct car because really keying my shit ain't causing the proper effect- unless it is to piss me the hell off in which case I would have to wonder 

#5- What the hell I do to you, Ni&&a??

So basically, I gets to deal with this nonsense bulkshit. 

Universe... You definitely have some explaining to do. 

Some people (me) never change

As in 
My conscious still carries me thru the random acts of un-kindness I try to pull. Remember how bro#1 ain't show up- and how mad I was (am) about that- yes still am mad at that. To be clear, I am over the whole move thing cause whatever I am moved in- there ain't no changing that. Those that were there were there (in whatever way they could and in whatever capacity they could). I am still mad- no really hurt- by his actions toward me making me feel insignificant and not worth it (his time I guess or his presence). And I ultimately allowed my value or my perception of my value and worth be diminished because of this action. So to be honest I am mad at me for feeling. Period. But anywho, skipping over all that, homeboy is in the hospital (since Wednesday) and #1 I haven't gone to see him. And #2 part of me is like "oh, so now you need ME, huh? So Now you would like someone to show up for you, huh? How does it feel to expect that of your sibling and..." You get the point. Well, my conscious is like "bitch please act like you were raised better than to be a petty ass person and be who you are- someone who still shows up irregardless of what the next persons actions or motives are."

You. Are. Better. Than. That. 

Yeah yeah my conscious needs to go to hell sometimes...
But she has a way of annoying me, so I asked this person I have grown to trust their opinion (not that I have to follow said opinion it is just good to have other opinions- is what I told myself) turns out they kinda intelligent and kinda said they would show up and stay for like 10-15 minutes and move on their way-- by doing this they would be doing 'the right thing by family and all and still keeping my word to myself as who I claim to be (the person who is not like the others and is caring and stuff) and I can go about my business with a clean conscious.
And so, I am.
I did.
I showed up.
We chatted. His girl was there. We all chatted. I guess he was happy to see me. I stayed for an hour. I left. I guess people don't change, no matter how mad and evil and unkind I was trying to be to prove a point and whatnot.
To top it off it is bro #2 birthday. He is out with one of his partners in crime. Yay.
Smh.
I do hope I learn my lesson.

Today's Gemini Extended Horoscope

Gemini, Daily Extended Horoscope, Friday, July 25th:

You are feeling especially grounded and stable right now --

much more so than usual --

and you are unwilling to take any guff from anyone.

Your self-confidence is the result of something you did recently that proved to others and,

more importantly,

to yourself,

that you're a serious force to be reckoned with at work or in the community.

When you set your mind to something,

anything is possible.

---

 It is funny how this horoscope is 'telling me about myself' and the way I am feeling- which is especially grounded and stable. you think?  Because at what point in my life do I feel stable- I mean at what point have I felt stable-- I mean stability is something that I am consistently trying to achieve stability in my mind, stability in my actions, stability in my heart, thoughts, stability in the consistency of my friends and stability of my giving and my support and things like that. It is interesting that  consistency and stability is just something that i want. Anywho, yes, my self-confidence is something that has actually increased this week because things that have happened at work have actually been for my benefit.. I have learned a lot about myself and my management style and my personality.

Anyway,

anything is possible.