It.
Ain't.
Me.
And what is surprising and utterly validating about this revelation is that it kinda makes me OK about some choices that I have made- the stances I took/ take (strike a pose darling!) and the outcomes that have COME OUT of these situations.
I am sure by now you are utterly intrigued...
Case study #1: remember this New Year's Day past I had a date (set up from a co-worker) and hey what a way to bring in the new year with some possibilities possibly possible. <----- I like that it may be a title to my next poem
Anywho, I had chatted with dude for a couple of weeks sporadically (let's be clear he claimed to be pursuing me- based on what the coworker said and he saw my picture and made it clear how attractive and generally seemingly nice I seemed and considering she talked me up a bit how I seem like someone he wants to know--keep this in mind.) well he finally asked me to meet/ have some food drink some coffee tho he don't like coffee- strike #1- and not that you have to be a connoisseur of coffee or tea for that matter but know the audience. Anywho in determining when a time would be appropriate seemed to be something that we could not get together. And in the various conversations with him it was like pulling teeth with no Novocain.
Utterly painful.
Coupled with the fact he would repeat my name three times anytime he said my name (someone please shoot me shoot me shoot me). Annoying. And in the conversation- this was me not being my wittiest. Because I read the crowd and figured out he could not handle all of my sarcasm and wit. Which is strike #2 because if I have to diminish myself just to get a date then I am doing all of us an injustice. And he could not suggest or pick a place. Strike #3 or #4 because I would like you to be a man about it- polite and considerate of what I would be allergic to or something is wonderful but all in all decide.
Please. Please. Please.
Well, I picked a place and figured let's try this. On New Year's Day. Yay. Suffice it to say, I was the aggressor in the conversation and in this whole interaction (I.e. I was carrying the date). I was trying my best to be demure (no really) and lady-like and not the being that I am (but that ain't last too long). #1- he was late. Ok. #2- he was rude to the server (for no reason) and #3- he was short and not my type. Period. {save the short comments because really ok}. So that ain't work out. And no, I didn't kiss him - tho to be quite honest I was glad but then feeling like hey buddy you ain't even try for a kiss what does that say about me? I quickly let that pass and figure that was for the best. Quickly.
Well, come to find out he is engaged to be married this October. From a chick who needs her papers (which is not relevant because he loves her). And I am like whoa. Yay. Good on you, right? Cause that is what you wanted- someone to love you and let you take care of them and have them need you. Well there she is- Ms. Not-American (but no judgement cause love comes from all over the globe- cause remember even I was proposed to by a 'Prince'). Any who that is that...
Case study #2- think back- waaayyyy back to a few years ago when I was a bridesmaid one of my friends weddings. And there was this dude and were chatting and all that. And we went on a date or two. And laughed. And talked about A LOT of things. And remember I was considering 'laying some morals down by the wayside' and considering some of the outrageous things he was saying [like he didn't need to meet my family/ friends because the relationship is with him+me not them] and [he would have me loving him and married in 6-7 months HA] and [he wanted to make me cum a minimum of 6-7 times or something to that effect] and he didn't think I needed to hang out so much with so & so or didn't ask about my day too much or any of them things but that's ok as long as I was available for his needs and whims and etc etc]... You get the point. And remember how abruptly the conversations ended once I wouldn't give up the goods (hey, I got some restraint and moral fiber) and remember how all I could do/ say was "what is wrong with me because I am the only common denominator in this equation of my non romantical relationship life".
And remember how all my friends were like you ain't need him anyway, he wasn't attractive enough for you and he was living with a woman anyway (in my semi-defense he said they were broken up and you know the rent in NYC is too damn high) and all them things friends say to make you feel better about yourself but don't believe 1/2 the time because you (me) is wrapped up in the pity party for one?
Turns out it wasn't me.
It was he.
Specifically, it was another HE.
As in HE turned out to fancy He's not this she.
Gasp!
Like, really really really????
Like OMG really? Talk about a down low undercover brother.
Well he is happy and in a relationship at this time with a man and is utterly happy to no longer live a lie.
Now, let me be clear I am beyond the moon ecstatic that love has found a way [for someone because it ain't me] and I am truly happy that the truth has set him free. I am also utterly thrilled I dodged a slew of bullets with that one {CAN YOU IMAGINE???!?!?!!!!} and I don't care if you love women, men, rat-tailed squirrels or Shetland Ponies- be honest and truthful in all your dealings [especially with me thank you very much] because only with honesty will you be able to have the truth. I mean I am always truthful (to a fault...) and my reactions directly correlates to the acting you gave me.
So my truth at the time was that I was attracted to him. A man in flux about his sexuality and experimenting with it while fighting to be with what "society" deems best (and his church- did I mention his church?). Oh by the way, a 'safe black girl' was my role in that scenario.
Anywho suffice it to say, of some of the interesting offers I have had- these are some of the outcomes.
And it ain't me.
On to the next one(s)...
that's all...
Sent from my iPhone
Well, come to find out he is engaged to be married this October. From a chick who needs her papers (which is not relevant because he loves her). And I am like whoa. Yay. Good on you, right? Cause that is what you wanted- someone to love you and let you take care of them and have them need you. Well there she is- Ms. Not-American (but no judgement cause love comes from all over the globe- cause remember even I was proposed to by a 'Prince'). Any who that is that...
Case study #2- think back- waaayyyy back to a few years ago when I was a bridesmaid one of my friends weddings. And there was this dude and were chatting and all that. And we went on a date or two. And laughed. And talked about A LOT of things. And remember I was considering 'laying some morals down by the wayside' and considering some of the outrageous things he was saying [like he didn't need to meet my family/ friends because the relationship is with him+me not them] and [he would have me loving him and married in 6-7 months HA] and [he wanted to make me cum a minimum of 6-7 times or something to that effect] and he didn't think I needed to hang out so much with so & so or didn't ask about my day too much or any of them things but that's ok as long as I was available for his needs and whims and etc etc]... You get the point. And remember how abruptly the conversations ended once I wouldn't give up the goods (hey, I got some restraint and moral fiber) and remember how all I could do/ say was "what is wrong with me because I am the only common denominator in this equation of my non romantical relationship life".
And remember how all my friends were like you ain't need him anyway, he wasn't attractive enough for you and he was living with a woman anyway (in my semi-defense he said they were broken up and you know the rent in NYC is too damn high) and all them things friends say to make you feel better about yourself but don't believe 1/2 the time because you (me) is wrapped up in the pity party for one?
Turns out it wasn't me.
It was he.
Specifically, it was another HE.
As in HE turned out to fancy He's not this she.
Gasp!
Like, really really really????
Like OMG really? Talk about a down low undercover brother.
Well he is happy and in a relationship at this time with a man and is utterly happy to no longer live a lie.
Now, let me be clear I am beyond the moon ecstatic that love has found a way [for someone because it ain't me] and I am truly happy that the truth has set him free. I am also utterly thrilled I dodged a slew of bullets with that one {CAN YOU IMAGINE???!?!?!!!!} and I don't care if you love women, men, rat-tailed squirrels or Shetland Ponies- be honest and truthful in all your dealings [especially with me thank you very much] because only with honesty will you be able to have the truth. I mean I am always truthful (to a fault...) and my reactions directly correlates to the acting you gave me.
So my truth at the time was that I was attracted to him. A man in flux about his sexuality and experimenting with it while fighting to be with what "society" deems best (and his church- did I mention his church?). Oh by the way, a 'safe black girl' was my role in that scenario.
Anywho suffice it to say, of some of the interesting offers I have had- these are some of the outcomes.
And it ain't me.
On to the next one(s)...
that's all...
Sent from my iPhone
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