Doing work

evidence! 

Yay me! This here is a picture of accomplishment (all be it a small one) but a success nonetheless.
My baby car had a headlight missing.
What does that mean to me the non car/ non technical one of this equation? Going to some auto body shop to figure a replacement + time + labor costs.
Well Noc (Bro #3) said:
you can do this yourself
Really?  I am an accomplished female of sorts
Yeah man, just pop the trunk and...
You lost me.
Really?
uh yeah
Never been under the hood of your car?
Umm not so much seeing as how I pay people for that-
you suck T. You can change a light bulb I don't even think you need a degree for that. 
So I believed the hype and went to the auto store and purchased 2 headlights $10.00 each- why 2 you ask- cause technically you are supposed to replace them both at the same time lest one is brighter than the other- that was my PSA for the day [thanks mom]. Any who the polite saleslady asks would I like to have them installed, how much? $15.00 per bulb- are ya kidding me?
So I ride back to the block pull out the manual and watch him skim manual "to get the gist of it" and explain you gotta twist it counter clockwise then pull it out- disconnect and put in the new one. Easier said than done? No- it was easier done than said cause my side was finished in 2.5 seconds and I was jumping up and down like I was Rocky or I finished a marathon. Whoo hoo! Yay for small victories- next up changing an alternator or leaping tall buildings in a single bound.
OK maybe not-- but I will be able to see the light.

Three hundred 3 days

So it seems like I am on a spending spree--I mean I intend to save. I intend to be responsible. I intend not to blow thru all my cash like an obnoxious pimp in a stripper club on the first of the month. But people do say the road to hell is paved with good intentions...
let's do the math:
Wednesday- I took out $40.00 because we were having a final fare-the-well for a co-worker in the office and since she was a great worker I showed up for this. $40 later (mind you this is why I despise going in groups cause people all of a sudden cant count or don't remember that 'extra' margarita they had) I am $40 in the hole for a $10 meal. yes, I'm the sucker.

Thursday-- busy spending day. $5.00 coffee (morning indulgence)
 + $15.00 eyebrows and necessary de-fuzzing (this apparently is non- negotiable)
 + $12.00 Cosi (tea & sandwich lunch special)
+ $12.00 cab ride (since the temperature dropped & I was standing on the corner waiting for a bus dead of night I figure I should be able to take the cab, hell stop being so cheap!)
+ 50.00 hair (godchild washed, conditioned, re-cut & styled & I tipped her- yeah I know a bit much for short hair but trying to help the young-ins)
+ 3.00 late night tea & conversation run
so far $137  G O N E

Friday- was a happy day (since it is the end of the week) $7.00 breakfast + $7.00 crepe + $20.00 to give to the office because another co-worker is getting married and we all went in on a gift for her (and this person I have worked with for and is a good worker as well--->side note with all the birthday celebrations/ farewell shindigs/ wedding & baby showers we have in this office that I have contributed to AND AM STILL SINGLE therefore have no financial gain from them folks-->all I am saying is that I am gonna throw myself a party and register for gifts [ala sex and the city] cause really who celebrates the single gals??? i digress...)
+ $20.00 chicken dinner (with TD for some down home great conversation/ bonding catching up and relaxing after a looooong week. sometimes good convo+ a good chicken & homemade sweet tea is all you need)
Overall $191 G O N E

and all I  have left in my pocket is a mere $24.00

After careful consideration and calculation it seems I am missing 109 dollars. WTF could have happened in like 3 days to make me spend 300?? I need an intervention.

*Rechecking the bank statement I only took out 220 (smart)
that still doesn't excuse the spending but I guess i can re-title this entry as loosing my mind as well as my money...

Sent from my iPhone

coffee thought...

Shock
That is pretty much what I have been in/ be it emotional or mental or the one where your throat closes (physical)- for the past couple of days I have been functioning in shock. Let's start by last week Thursday- had an interesting therapy session where I focused on fear and the perception of my knowledge in comparison to my peers. [back story I am going to a college friends BBQ & she is in a different socioeconomic class than I am and her peers are too.] Because I live in something of a 'be prepared' state I was trying to be prepared for all of the possible outcomes. I did not want to be seen as less than that of my peers. or her peers. or less-than worthy of being peer like. After that session I was running back to my office to give an afternoon staff meeting & then go about the business of making my way home to beat the alternate side parking beast when I decided on a slice (ok 2) slices of pizza to chow on. Low and behold after scarfing down the slices my face started to itch and throat close- classic allergic reaction sign- but here is the kicker- I know my allergies- shell fish & nuts therefore stay the hell away from them. I had to leave the office to go to the doctor and sit there for 1.5 hours to give me benadryl & prednisone & some other drug to be on for 5 days and makes me sleepy to boot.  Beks searched for me in 3 doctors offices - something that means more to me than she will ever know- and we got some tea to sit and ponder life and the decisions we have made (inclusive of pizza)<-- more about that later.

Friday I decided to stay home so my face swelling can go down and receive a call from Beks- the City school she decided to go to (read: being adult and considering costs etc etc) is being everything you could ever read about city employees-- non responsive. You think I am mad that people in my office not doing their job-- imagine how I feel about people abusing policy-- state/ federal/ etc-- and there is nothing I can do to solve or fix this situation with all the knowledge I have about fin aid and federal regulations. It it utterly frustrating and I feel really really bad. [Still working on it tho-never give up/ never surrender.]

Saturday I went to my friend's  BBQ and had a wonderful time- my fears about perception and what I do (continually am I good enough) were falsely based in my own psycho. Yay! But in discussing choices with many of the folks there- many were in this depth of career crisis - many many were utterly unsatisfied in their initial choice of life one chick left wall street and is becoming a teacher,  another chick just entered back to school to get her PT degree --It kind of validates my non-sense of balance with why I feel unsettled where i am at times-- Am I truly normal? Really? Time will tell.

Saturday evening I went to the twins birthday BBQ where I was a good 8 years older than the rest of the population -with exception of the golden child & her best friend & my brother. It was good seeing the dichotomy of the ages and what parting from my youth looks like in hindsight. It was also good to know that WOW I did all that back then and don't miss it at all one bit & knowing when to call it quits is a thing learned with maturity- not with throwing up at a BBQ (ha ha she will find out which friends of hers decided to leave parting gifts in the morning!)
Ahh such is life
Shocking. One moment I am trying to live, breathe- breathe for real and survive in this madness- the next moment I am being validated in my confusion to be back to the trying to breath thing... 
yeah such is life. 

oh...that's all...

9/11 ten years later

9/11 ten years later

Sunday was a difficult and emotional day.
It was the 10th anniversary of September 11th.
That day marked so many many meanings and to think 10 years ago would we be here?
Last year, Peanut was born. That was and continues to truly a blessing.
A few years back- Jacob was born- again another blessing on a day many many people remember tragedy. It seems out of tragedy there were indeed many things to be thankful of.
I clearly remember where I was that day- what I had to do to get home- what my good friend SS & I had to do to get home.
I remember smoking a cigarette on the corner of 14th & west 10th waiting for a bus--
watching the sky and listening to the silence of the air but still hearing the noise of the hearts of us as a people.
The many hours of worrying and travel and the sense of is this really happening here in NY? Worrying about my mother who was stuck in NJ cause they shut down the bridges- finally reaching her via phone and so thankful to hear from her.
I remember speaking to someone and they professed their love for me- funny how that didn't turn out- amazing what tragedy and liquor brings out.
Anyway- fast forward a decade-
Where am I now?
Where are we now?
Think who is not here to see how much I have accomplished or how much is left to accomplish.
Think of who is here...
I went to a brunch for my sister friend Sparkle- kind of bringing together all those who lost someone thru the years- not just on 9/11 but thru the years.
Honestly it was kinda hard - some things are kept repressed until brought to the forefront- but what was beautiful about the celebrate was the many faiths that were represented and the prayers that were said.
We recited the Surah Al-Fatiha, prayed bahai prayers, Christian prayers & buddhist chants for everyone and all of us.
I had a Good day.
Nevermind I found out some news about how someone passed on [it was not what was presented to me but then again I felt I knew all along that something was not right.]
This does not change the love I have continually for this person or who they were to me.
I guess the truth eventually sets you free- but why hide it?
What purpose did it serve?
Does it make anymore sense now than then?
Maybe now as an adult I have more wits about me and I am able to comprehend more- maybe I am finally able to realize truths I already knew when facts just did not add up.
This is why (I assume) I attempt to be authentic in all I do and am fiercely contemptuous of those who mis speak the truth.
Maybe it is all a rouse.

coffee thought...

This morning I am thinking thoughts of fall and the beginning of the school year... specifically the first day of school where I work. I remember the days of going back to school- reconnecting with friends you lost touch with over the summer, dreading the teachers you would/ could have for home room,  having a fresh/ dope outfit with some new sneakers to style in. Ahh back in the day September bought on the color palette of browns, Burgundy and oranges-- knits and sweaters to hug the body and keep in warmth. new ideas and promises for the year to come--- yeah fall.
now Fall brings on a crowded commute (back to school kids mean back to school backpacks in the way/ on the seats) and back to school alternate side parking on my block (which technically  means i need to leave work at a decent hour and  be home like  6 pm to guarantee a spot) and back to school brings on the search for knee high boots (literally on the search for flat ones, black + brown!) cool fall nail colors (dark colors & deep reds) knits/sweaters to forgive the food + drinks I indulged in these last couple of weeks (OMG I need to cover this gut) a search for a LONG WINTER COAT(!)  and being able to breathe the air (no more humidity stifling the lungs and making breathing- an everyday life requirement a struggle).

Looking forward to the change

and best of luck to those

 who are changing

with the colors of the leaves-

 it is all beautiful.

that's all

coffee thought...

The STD trich (trick) has similar symptoms if a yeast infection - things I think you should know as you drink your morning coffee.
(seeing as how this was on the radio ad as  I drank mine I figured I should share... and be pretty well pissed off as I do not want need or desire this kind of information at 8:57 am and while I am all about being informed PLEASE keep that shyt to yourself --LITERALLY- and if you can't go see a doctor or something)
SHEESH...
that's all...

I thought

I thought
I thought I saw u
In the train going uptown
Must have been a figment of my imagination/ something that I thought I wanted to see.
But despite the perceived trepidation--
the thoughts of oh my goodness what am I going to say if and when I see you again-
there was nothing.
Not a hint of regret
Not a slight of remorse
Not even a whisper of care
It is like you were not even there.
Invisible
And all the while trying to capture my attention.
You could not help the amazement in your eyes- that gave you away.
You looked me over not once not twice but 5 individual times-
trying to remember the girl you left
cause she is not the woman you see.
You notice my hair-
don't recall it falling that way.
I sit with a smile from my soul -
not just my mouth and that is foreign to you.
Other men notice too what I am to be seen.
And all the while you try to remain hidden
too ashamed to look me in the eye.
Something about that makes me laugh even more at the comedy of errors
of you.
It is your stop - I remember it well.
You rush to get off the train - debating to speak or pretend this never happened.
Trust me there was a time I wished you never happened.
But I smile in your direction - hell even give a wink with my right eye/
This happened and the proof just stared you back in the face.
More assured you were the best thing I never had.

Sent from my iPhone

Hurricane Irene

Hurricane Irene
Impending storm update: I figure I should shave a leg and underarm lest we loose electricity and the waves come and I'm in need of rescue--would not want a woolly mammoth status stop me from being saved by sexy rescue man.
Also shaving by candlelight is trickier than need be.

be safe...

such a paradox:

Sitting on this #2 train and there seemed to be two Caucasian fellows looking like two regular dudes. Next thing you know they break out into Shakespeare on the train and do a scene from Romeo and Juliet complete with killing, laying on the floor, fight scene and poison (in the form of a water bottle--fitting). It was utterly cool and I was impressed (they earned my dollar), stated where you can see further performances (in some little theater off off off off Broadway) & got off train at 96 street. But who gets on next-- a Hispanic dude who is asking for some change and anything we can do to help him out. No song no dance no prose, no nothing. After the performance of the other folks, this dude is getting nothing and I think to myself -such a paradox--how some people 'work' for theirs and some people just ask.

coffee thought...horoscope

because i am just seeing this now... I will take it for today...
good morning all!
Gemini Horoscope for August 14, 2011

Okay, so you might not exactly be in love with your career right now, but there is a very bright light shining in your professional future. You are paying into an account of goodwill that will start to show handsome returns very soon, so just keep plugging away. You will get what you deserve. It's important for you to keep thinking about your goals, and not to get too emotional about your current situation. There's no reason to feel hopeless -- in fact, you have every reason to feel hopeful!

that's all...

coffee thought...

i think i am back on my grind--- the coffee grind today. I don't know something made me get up today and thank the Lord I am able to keep it moving... today may not be perfect but I am here to make it happen.

"Don't carry what happened yesterday to what you bring with you today. Move forward...start new each day beacuse each day is a new journey"

that's all...

All about crabs...?

In the world of relationships I will admit (experientially) I am a bit of a novice but in theory i am actually an expert at matters of the heart (hey aren't we all?) so when someone seeks my advice I feel I come from a place that can truly help them- unbiased and fair and equitable (hell, my dream job from when I was a little girl was I wanted to be a judge back in the day but my law track got derailed) I digress. Bro #2 is having girl issues : what say u?2 years in a committed relationship all is 'we'll' well as in nothing life shattering thank god. A few absentee moments and mis-communications abound but they are trudging along towards... Bliss?  Love? Marriage? kids? all of the above? I guess...
well- a trip came up that she wanted to go on--it was a trip someone from her job was planning to crab fest. Now, it was themed up as a either a singles thing OR something where the girls can go on and have a good time (clubbing/ dancing/ etc). She invited her boyfriend and he really don't have it in his budget + he mentioned that he was not too keen on her going (there was mention of debauchery etc etc) well OK. She put it aside and they planned a trip together (Aww) well fast forward 2 months and lo and behold she 'forgets' to mention that she in fact paid for crab fest and fully intends to go crab feasting and deal with that. The brother was pissed -- not cause of the issue of crabfesting but the general 'perceived' lack of care of his feelings in the matter.
What say me?
i was all well, she paid for it and wants to go and this is not something she has done/ experienced before so why not'? cause i mean really no man (my man or not) is gonna say who what when where and why i can go somewhere or not. yes, I will ask your opinion and take that into consideration- then of course like life I will do the hell WHAT I WANT.
that opinion didn't go over too well- but it is what it is.
what say you?

*update, she didn't go-they continues to argue about the perceived cheating and lack of information sharing and if this is what relationships are-- i don't need em. I still want one.**

coworkers...

Coworkers are a mess….

System down all morning and we are about to get a barrage of phone calls regarding the particular things we do.

Co-worker: well I am glad the system is coming back up; I'd rather have it working than not when I am answering the [stupid] phone calls.

Me: well yeah- that is helpful.

Co-worker: ...otherwise I would start having an existential crisis: why am I here? ...what am I doing with my life? …that sort of thing?

Me: you need help.

Co-worker:...am I making a difference? does my life have purpose...? 

Me: answer the phones.