coffee thought...

Shock
That is pretty much what I have been in/ be it emotional or mental or the one where your throat closes (physical)- for the past couple of days I have been functioning in shock. Let's start by last week Thursday- had an interesting therapy session where I focused on fear and the perception of my knowledge in comparison to my peers. [back story I am going to a college friends BBQ & she is in a different socioeconomic class than I am and her peers are too.] Because I live in something of a 'be prepared' state I was trying to be prepared for all of the possible outcomes. I did not want to be seen as less than that of my peers. or her peers. or less-than worthy of being peer like. After that session I was running back to my office to give an afternoon staff meeting & then go about the business of making my way home to beat the alternate side parking beast when I decided on a slice (ok 2) slices of pizza to chow on. Low and behold after scarfing down the slices my face started to itch and throat close- classic allergic reaction sign- but here is the kicker- I know my allergies- shell fish & nuts therefore stay the hell away from them. I had to leave the office to go to the doctor and sit there for 1.5 hours to give me benadryl & prednisone & some other drug to be on for 5 days and makes me sleepy to boot.  Beks searched for me in 3 doctors offices - something that means more to me than she will ever know- and we got some tea to sit and ponder life and the decisions we have made (inclusive of pizza)<-- more about that later.

Friday I decided to stay home so my face swelling can go down and receive a call from Beks- the City school she decided to go to (read: being adult and considering costs etc etc) is being everything you could ever read about city employees-- non responsive. You think I am mad that people in my office not doing their job-- imagine how I feel about people abusing policy-- state/ federal/ etc-- and there is nothing I can do to solve or fix this situation with all the knowledge I have about fin aid and federal regulations. It it utterly frustrating and I feel really really bad. [Still working on it tho-never give up/ never surrender.]

Saturday I went to my friend's  BBQ and had a wonderful time- my fears about perception and what I do (continually am I good enough) were falsely based in my own psycho. Yay! But in discussing choices with many of the folks there- many were in this depth of career crisis - many many were utterly unsatisfied in their initial choice of life one chick left wall street and is becoming a teacher,  another chick just entered back to school to get her PT degree --It kind of validates my non-sense of balance with why I feel unsettled where i am at times-- Am I truly normal? Really? Time will tell.

Saturday evening I went to the twins birthday BBQ where I was a good 8 years older than the rest of the population -with exception of the golden child & her best friend & my brother. It was good seeing the dichotomy of the ages and what parting from my youth looks like in hindsight. It was also good to know that WOW I did all that back then and don't miss it at all one bit & knowing when to call it quits is a thing learned with maturity- not with throwing up at a BBQ (ha ha she will find out which friends of hers decided to leave parting gifts in the morning!)
Ahh such is life
Shocking. One moment I am trying to live, breathe- breathe for real and survive in this madness- the next moment I am being validated in my confusion to be back to the trying to breath thing... 
yeah such is life. 

oh...that's all...