stranger things

stranger things have happened and continue to happen to me in this life...today is no exception. It starts out as a not so normal day in the neighborhood because it is a continuation from the drama on Monday. OH I didn't post that drama? remind me to fill you in... today I fuss on the commute with the MTA on the regular but I make it to work on-time.

we are in the midst of packaging students and making things work in the overall world of enrollment management. This morning my task was to rally the troops and to make sure we are all doing what we are supposed to be doing. sounds easy and most times it is. well, also i am in the midst of rewriting some text that people needed the url for and finally we worked it out. Went to therapy and THAT is always thought provoking and a learned experience...specifically i am learning to forgive. yeah, you would think all these years in the church and in the home that i grew up in and in this world and the way i live my life that I would be a big forgiver of folk. More often than not, I hold no grudges and hold no ill will. I can live and let live, let bygones be bygones and akunamatada.

cept of myself.

For some strange God-forsaken reason I cannot for the life of me allow myself to let go of some of the ideals i have set for myself that just did not come to pass for whatever reason. yes i am one who is continually trying to take responsibility for the actions and reactions of people places things in my life-- i am an active participant in my life living right?

Living right? Living right...

living RIGHT... that is my thing i am here trying to live RIGHT however right looks because i have a clear idea of right-- and if it is not right then what is it???
wrong? simple. if it is wrong then i am in the midst of soo much wrong (according to my theory) because i am not right where I want to be,

capiche?

so I wrap myself up in the notion that I should have had this....should have accomplished this.... could have done this...shouldn't have eaten this.... and then i forever beat myself up on some things in a warped attempt to 'accept responsibility' that i don't have/didn't do and ate _____. and i don't forgive myself for my transgressions or allow myself anything less than a perfection mode of being.

it is utterly tiring and utterly self sabotaging too, totally not a good look.
This is all part of what therapy laid out for me based on a simple question that I asked when I entered the room (which was in a nut-shell thanks to B. cause I was worried about how this is supposed to start/ what way things are supposed to go and the ability to even participate and benefit from therapy 'right') ....oh what a tangled web we weave. Well, as I leave the therapeutic place to be one with my thoughts about lack of life, love & pursuit of happiness & what I genuinely contributed to this of this and about this (remember I am still trying to rationalize things like why I couldn't control the outcome of mommy's death or my fathers murder or my brothers illness or my other brothers choice in girls or my friends choice in men, clothing and husbands) I get a call. From him. for dinner plans. GREAT
the Universe is soo flucking with me <- yes i gave up cursing for Lent and this is what you get->
One friend is like WTF are you serious you cannot go meet them (him & wifey) cause... myriad of reasons. Another friend is like do you & have a great meal. My conscience is like it is a freaking free meal for crickets sake... I am going. Trepidation. Anticipation.
what goes in my head? why now with these current revelations do I get to do dinner? remember last yr when I was in said city I mysteriously aint get no call back and this is how 'friends' treat each other.
Guess what? The universe has a way of giving you what you need exactly ON TIME, because I needed to see that. I needed to see two people in love and working it out as best they can and two people that belong together (yeah I have some good examples with T & G but somehow it is not the same) and it was a very decent evening, meal, conversation and night.
No regrets ever.
None.

I have taken away what I think I should have had and replaced it with what I need.
I know now what I am worth & am willing to be patient as God is still working on me to know that while I am not perfect I am pretty damned good.
And I know I deserve that at a bare minimum.
I know I am not going to settle (well I could have told you that before) just to say I have someone because some nights I think I want just that- someone rather than no one; but in my knowing that I want someone I know that I would rather be with no one until I am worthy and someone is worthy of me.

(Me with all the love and forgiveness and compassion and trust and love)

So to sum it up... stranger things have happened,
specifically my transformation has begun &
I don't love you anymore!

I am beginning to love me.
*side note, this song just cracks me up and makes me happy and

hey I do love me.