Tears in my eyes burn

Tears in my eyes burn

Because apparently prayer
repentance
remorseful feelings
past and
hurt
sorrow
future and
shortness of breath
migraines
ache
And physical pain
is not enough.
I'm not enough.

It is thru tears
I seek to find
clarity
in the prayers I cry at night.

I pray for my sanity
Because my thoughts of this life
Are crazy
And not in the ha-ha-you-so-crazy-girl
Kind of crazy way
But in the oh-there-are-people-locked-up-in-institutions-with-that-line-of-thought
kind of crazy
And
As someone who is conscientious about being conscious about my thoughts
And how they effect me
Affect others
And how I am trying to be sane
And safe
And satisfied
Everyday it is a struggle to remember
Who I am
And not question
Why
Am I
Because the hugest why is always looming over my thoughts
Actions
In- actions
Why God why

I pray for my health
Because
There are things that are there
but you know
just there and
I am supposed to remain calm and
keep going
as if things are not there
because you know
No.
Just keep going.
And because if I am healthy then I live.
Ironic
And
Alive.

I pray for companionship
And not in the platonic way
But then again
How dare I
Want
Need
Desire
Stop.

Then I pray for
less aloneness
For comfort in the noise
And for uncomfortable in the silence
Because
one can become accustomed
To
comfort in silence
And
uncomfortable noise.

So I pray for discernment
Absolution
Continued integrity
Courageously Authentically Responsibly
Wholly
Holy
While tears in my eyes burn
Salt streaking my skin
Following the tracks of
The last set of
Prayers I cried

And maybe someday
One day
In faith
My prayers will be answered
Hands cupping my face
Lips pressed to mine
Eyes seeking searching
For me
One day
Some day
The tears in my eyes
Won't burn
Anymore