night thoughts

as i lay here trying hard to figure out why i am so very tired but cannot go to sleep these random ran dumb thoughts keep shuffling thru like a deck of cards on an electronic shuffler in Vegas... moving very fast and precise so that i can visualize each card/ thought individually in my mind but not too much to grab an idea or fully form an issue ...

case in point for the last month the elder bro has been in the hospital for various reasons surrounding breathing, weight, thoughts, moving to a nursing home and ultimately needing to have an oxygen tank 24/7. he is currently still in the nursing home & called me because needs me to request a day pass for him, come pick him up, take him to his former apartment (which he has been un-ceremoniously removed from) so he can pack & find storage for his stuff until he gets a new place. he didn't ask, just told me what he needed.

now i feel like i am falling into the position of 'do-everything' woman that me+therapy been trying to cope with & i also feel like i am falling into this me taking my mom's place in the family with one major difference--- it is soooo wrapped up in resentment & like questions it is crazy! like i would do anything for my family (right & this extends to friends) but because this request is just assumed & it is who i am i am supposed to continue with my lot and mosey on.
i don't know... & that is only issue one.
on a lesser but still annoying scale is the current over eating i indulged in today which is wrecking havoc on the digestion. soooo not gonn happen again...

and then we have therapy...yes i am in. it is an interesting thing to talk about yourself with someone who is entirely there for you (even at $30/ hour). what have i learned 6 weeks in???? soooo many issues (and i am the sane/ responsible one, go figure)
but we are tackling issues about mom (am normal in my grieving still), work ( why don't people do their job?) weight ( breathing/exercise et al), love ( hahahaha) and sex (""") oooh more to come...