Picking up the pieces

Today is June 20, 2018. 

A full 7 months later I am returning to writing.

 I stopped. 

Everything Stopped. 

My life as I knew it just stopped.

I guess I should explain...

A lot has happened. 

The day after I wrote that last blog (11/07/17) my younger brother died.

Michael S. Bean
July 26, 1977- November 8, 2017

Mike was in the hospital from June 30 from a having a stroke. The hospital took a few days in determining treatment and he had another massive stroke that took out his left side of his body and communication skills. He continued to fight and try to breathe and learn to communicate again and simple things like learning how to swallow again. His spouse was absolute trash and while I have sympathy and possibly empathy for loosing a spouse, there are some rather fucked up things she said and did thruout the whole damn process. I have text messages from him saying that she is trying to starve him and does not care about him and just things that contributed to this. Note: I cannot blame anyone for anything- his life choices (i.e spouse choices and health choices and etc) are/ were his and I own that. I had a different perception of what a loving partner brings to the table (inclusive of health insurance and common sense and food in the house or general partnership and caring for each other - maybe I'm way off which is why...) so with that being said in the hospital they amputated his left leg and he never recovered from alot of things (falling out the bed- some terrible health care and decision making- altho there were some angels in there and for that I am grateful.)

The call came at 5 am on that Wednesday morning and immediately I went into fixing it mode. What did I have to do to lay my brother to rest, to make sure his legacy and memory is honored and to just let him be at peace. This is the prayer and guiding principles to the actions I take- let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.. song from church. My friends/ family (TD, Sparkles, Sunshine, other brothers, Bermuda family) were phenomenal. I can't begin to say all the ways they supported Bro #1 & I but they did. We had a service for him the following week. His co-workers showed up for him- he touched so many people in life it is astonishing. I hope he knew how much he was loved. I wish he knew how much he is missed and how much of an impact he had and has on people. I still tear up thinking about my little brother (case in point as I type this) but I hope he know just how much he meant to me. He is brilliant. I read the eulogy. I made it thru without tears. And then, we pick up the pieces. 

We cleared his stuff out her apartment per her request in December and from that point on I have had 2 text messages from her. No, she is not getting his ashes- that is a blog for another day--- but all this was stressing and highly debilitating to me- a person who is functioning barely at a productive level. 

And this is topping off the passing of two of the matriarchs of my family:

Marie E. Tuzo Bean Lodge
June 2016

'Granny' as she was know to me all my damn life passed June 2016. She was in the hospital for what seemed like a chest cold, pneumonia or what turned out to be potentially lung cancer. She was vibrant and 'rude' until the end. I flew to Bermuda to see her off which was traumatic as I am in the country of my father's birth representing this extension of the family- alone- but surrounded by so much family. This woman was heroic and iconic in more ways than can be listed and I felt this was my connection to my Dad. The last. Luckily I have amazing cousins and 2 Aunties and an Uncle left (out of 10 children) that keep me in the loop. Her passing was really hard on me and just coping and living without her Bermudian accent and wise words that were imparted randomly truly affected me. Sorely missed always in my heart. 

Eleanor M. Anderson
May, 2017

Grandma Anderson passed May, 2017. Devastating. She fought a long battle with cancer and was not herself towards the end. She was having seizures and while her mind was amazingly sharper than anyone I know, her body just couldn't hold on any more. What gets me is that of course she planned her own funeral (years ago she was telling Eileen & I where important papers were and where things were and wrote her eulogy. Always prepared- I don't know if she was a girl scout). Her passing was disastrous in just so many ways. Yes as with everyone I am thankful she was not suffering but I know we (as in all of the people she touched) were not ready to let go. 

With all this, dealing with Bro#1 and his living situation and how this loss of his brother would affect his overall well being- I felt as if I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. He is currently in a shelter and this is in and of itself heartbreaking and what am I supposed to do? 

the last pic of the three

How can I just... I just don't know. We were 3. ALWAYS.  We legit balanced each other out with just the right amount of ratchet and educatedness. My two bothers literally are the angel/ devil of consciousness that guide me at times. How can a person just let that go? It is more than a loss... it is shattering to the soul. Something that I know is not repaired yet. 

Thru all this, I was navigating how to translate my work with Financial Education into something that was more fulfilling and an actual position and how I can solidify my next career moves. I presented at my jobs student affairs conference in February and then presented on Financial Education in June with my boss. That was something that was eye opening for me in the realm of possibilities for advancement and overall worth. 

So with all the things that happened to me (around me/ with me/ about me/ outside of me) the last 2 years, I feel that after a while I became numb to everything. Going thru the motions and just surviving. Not living altho I gave a great perception of 'living my best life' while trying to 'live my life like its golden' I was just there. 

Here. 

Not feeling anything but sadness. 

I could not write tho I had so many things to say. 

I could not believe because what is there to believe in - how and who do I ask this to?

Can I say Prayer helps. 

Breathing helps. 

And as of now, I am just finding my strength to be 

alive

again

picking up all the pieces 

and painstakingly putting them back into place. 

never to be the same again 

but tying to be beautiful

and whole

again. 

Step one:

GOD.

that's all