coffee thought...

It's been great lately...
 And by great i mean insane as all it can get.
Imagine getting a call that your brother is missing. And that folks have not seen him in 2 days.
And that he has been speaking to himself and having conversations in his head about the validity is the thoughts in his head. And imagine you call his job and there is no one that saw him.
And so you work with the sibling and friends to do the things you need to do- like file a missing persons report.
 You call around to friends.
You are relentlessly annoyed by his ex-girlfriend because whatever I'm doing is not enough (to her).
I drive around to his known places maybe he would be there at all random hours.
 I go to work.
 I try not to (and fail) at thinking about the things that could be happening and the thoughts of how this world treats a six-foot black man, a six-foot 300+ lb black man, let alone a six-foot 300+ lb black man with a mental illness.
 And you call hospitals looking for John Does that could fit the description and pray none fit the description. Finally 4 days later, in recalling the hospitals they check the psych ward of a place and he may be there.
 So I leave work and head over there to meet the other sibling and it is him.
There. Again.
We chat about life and he has to get his medicines regulated (because he has been off for some time) but there is that mess. And the there is his ex who is the reason he is in here to begin with. And his constant choice to be with her- or have her in his life, or love??
But we live in a world of choice and free will. Remember that...
Not more than a week later bro #2 goes to the hospital on a Saturday with chest pains. Let's be clear this one just got thru admonishing the other for lack of taking care of himself. Well turns out homeboy ain't been taking blood pressure medicine and not been taking diabetes medicines and has early congestive heart failure and one of his kidneys is failing because of this- lack of being in good health and care for yourself.
Note this one has a live in lover/ girlfriend/ love of his life for over 6 years and all that and this so where you are? Who are you being? And then gots the unmitigated gall to be upset and the one visit I made to him in the hospital.
Dude, with these choices you made that directly affects the choice I made-
free will, remember.

So I am over hospitals and care and bothers and I am very very clear on why I am alone because there is no partner in this world that would be able to be with me all thru this and support me and not loose their mind and their non-family stuff.And I am very clear on the person that I am who gives and cares for them and honestly will always love and want to have them around and be the brothers/ family we are supposed to be but I cannot be this savior or this healthcare person nurse nancy or anything to anyone. I cannot dare have someone mistakenly love me and have to deal with my family stuff because I know that I have a lot of things going on and I know that me alone is enough of the bat-shit crazy that a multitude of people can handle, let alone one lucky ass person so I know that they would not be equipped to handle me and all that my family issues. 
So yeah. I am very very clear why my heart is what it is for love. 
I am not equipped to deal with this. 
But it is a good thing I do not have to worry about all that, now isn't it.
that's all...

You're all I need to get by...

Like sweet morning dew/
I took one look at you/
And it was plain to see/ 
That you are my destiny...

There is something about this song (Aretha Franklin version, thanks) that makes it easier to believe there is someone out there willing to love and support you and know that
you are my destiny.
It is a great great tune to like ascribe to someone who you does all these things for your love.
Stand by you like a tree...
And it is reciprocal because...
Darling in you I found...

Sigh...
It is something that I tend to think of describes my love with the man of my dreams--
the currently elusive man of my dreams
 but the myriad of love of and from the man of my dreams would kinda be set to the tune of this song.
Along with I want your sex..
And freak in you...
And 1/2 on a baby...and well you get the point.
Sorry I digressed...
that's all...

coffee thought...

Back to work after a lovely weekend trip. One of them 'escape the world' specials that i can do- drove to Canada to see Niagara Falls considering I have always wanted to see them and two I have never seen them it was my civic duty to drive up there and cross the border and take a look.


Day 1- My road buddy this time was TRS as she got the hotel room on lock. So I drove. And drive. And drives some more. We talked about a lot of things and when I say we talk about a lot of things specifically love and lost and the loves we lost and the crazy men that we loved who were really boys in men's suits it is really enlightened as to what we discover about the truths we are holding on to about love. Or love we thought we had. One of the pivotal thoughts that came across Is the love we thought we deserved (individual of the love we shared with these men- such as emotional, physical, spiritual and otherwise). At any point in the equation was that ever received or was that just perceived by what I thought I was getting- which I maintain is not love cause from what I heard love don't hurt you like that (also love don't cost a thing and love don't live here anymore but I digress).

somewhere over the double rainbow

As we (I) drove we stopped a couple of times at random NY rest stops and even saw a double rainbow so clear and pronounced. It was amazing.

A we approached the Canadian border it was time for the passports to be produced and I was like ok no prob- we Americans so yay! Dude was all about to shoot me down like where you going and how long you staying and why you staying so far from the falls and do you have any firearms, knives, mace, pepper spray or other contraband? I was like shoot should I, it's just Canada? After all the questioning, I was sweating and felt like I done stole something. Sheesh. But then the real fun began as the speed limit immediately turned into kilometers and motherf* I can't read kilometers and I am horrible in math. Brief panic set full fledged panic set in as I am driving cause who trying to get a speeding or non speeding ticket and how much is that in American dollars?   Anywho, we made it (cause I had to pull over, call AT&T and inform them I am abroad and please don't shut off my phone) for the GPS to continue to work and then kept a driving. We found the hotel and then went out for the evening. FYI Canada is cold as fluck. Overall. Really cold as we are north. 

me+drink=happy place

We ate some fine food and then had a drink or two and headed back to the hotel room.

Day 2- we get up to a continental breakfast and successfully found other black people to chat briefly to. We knew our plan was to head to Niagara Falls and figured have GPS will travel. We did ask them for directions and found it was like 49 minutes away (back towards NY) but hey we go where the cheap rates are. We drove and found parking in a lot and walked around. Got a ticket to see the view of the falls from a space needle vantage point and the amazing GOD beauty that was the colors of the leaves was truly awesome. There are no other words for that.

view from the top

We also took a few pictures cause you know your girl had to and even saw some glass blowing (reminiscent of Chiully). Then we walked thru this part where we saw some Canadian geese (or are they just geese since we are already in Canada??) and some maple leaves which were cool.

duck duck duck Canadian goose?

We ran across some dinosaurs (no lie!) and thoroughly looked at the souvenirs- you know I have a magnet collection going.



Jurassic Park- not

Anywho the beauty of nature and the falls had me (a simple island Bronx girl) in awe of God's awesome wondererousness (my word).

Canadian Selfie!

As we approached the falls and you hear the loudness of them and the mist from the falls is rising to the sky I am transported back to before this was a populated tourist attraction and thinking about what the original inhabitants must have thought- to harness this power? To respect and cherish this natural resource? Just beauty. And then I think about natural erosion and how things happen in the world. Crazy. 

#lifeofabean

So we stop and get another good Canadian meal and throughly enjoy the day. Taking with TRS about life and decisions and choices and what's next and lives lost and loves lost- you know my mind was racing. And then, just thinking about the things I thought I would be doing approaching my fourth decade on this earth, and not entirely unaccomplished and not entirely accomplished in everything that I wanted to do (and every person I wanted to do... but I'll save that for the not PG version) and I am like well damn, isn't this something. And as my impulsive nature can get to me I decide to sign up for the GRE so I can apply for the EdD and then possibly make this thing (career) a bigger thing (vocation? extremely profitable career? opportunity for growth and movement in my career? movement to another location in the lower states career?) I dunno...but $175 USD is off the credit card and there is no turning back (application due by 12/1)...so what did I learn? Internationally my insomnia takes on a Canadian accent just FYI...

We even ordered Canadian Chinese food- and mental note I happen to love my hood spots.

Day 3-  When it was time to leave the next day, we enjoyed continental breakfast again (yay!) and headed home. 

legit snow. no thank you

Now, as we were driving and before we crossed into the upstate NY area the skies got hella gray and would you believe it started snowing! Like legit snow flakes. Yes it is Canada. Yes it is north. Yes it is anytime after June 1- but dammit I was so not ready for snow. And the folks on the road weren't ready as well. There was a bunch of sliding things happening that made me slightly afraid. But the Lord (and his gift of superior driving skills)...

Anywho We stopped in duty free and believe you me I almost lost my damn mind. Crossing the border and going thru customs was an experience. Welcome to NY with that attitude as well.

Got home and all in all spontaneous road trips are all thumbs up for me!

Next time my visit will include getting on the boat (maiden of the mist) and even walking under the falls! Maybe even a male partner of mine so there can be some International love (cause I am all about the international relations) I crack me up!

that's all...

coffee thought...

The thing about people is
They want to be respected
 but do not respect others.
This older woman is all up on
 this younger woman who is sitting down
 and the older chick has the nerve to be annoyed.
The younger woman was like (to the older woman)
you are annoying
and it is truth
 cause she is
but at the end of the day
she (older chick) didn't touch her or anything.
Older woman is just one of them folks who will do ad be as she pleases
which is just not a considerate person.
Yet she wants to be treated like she isn't annoying.
 It is utterly ridiculous.
and while this is none of my business
it is annoying as fuck to me
that's all...

Sometimes...

Sometimes

I just love it when a friend actually recognizes when life is getting me down and takes the time out to just send a little reminder ...
And I remember, and I am thankful for the blessing that they are.
❤️
that's all...

coffee thought...

Just been going thru a lot of emotions these past few days.
 Trying to find my peace of mind and my direction...
 Not that I'm lost cause I am still going forward
(I think)
but just a clearer road.
Today's coffee-less thought involves this commute
 (a follow up for yesterday)
and the lack of service the MTA truly gives.
 And the lack of flying fucks they give as we'll as you are literally trapped at their will
(and train traffic ahead when there is nothing ahead)
unless they count the rats crossing the subway rails as traffic which would be utterly humane of them.
Anywho...
Still trying to make it to work and ur is 8:57 and I am still in Manhattan.
Good thing I stayed until 9 last night.
 Whoo hoo.
that's all...

coffee thought...

This commute is beyond the commute from hell.

 I left my house early.

Like before 7:30.

It is now 9:12

and

I am still not in Brooklyn.

 Whatever happened on 14th street:

#1 - hopefully no one died

#2- better be good to delay trains downtown and uptown

#3- someone better get me some coffee

that's all...

I am not immune

I am not immune

Considering I had an allergic reaction to life (or oatmeal or salad or strawberry shortcake) a few weeks ago and had to go get some steroids to help a sista out I felt it time to get an allergy test. Had to wait for the referral from my PCP but got that and went to this place on union square. This first 2 hour visit was 'interesting' and by interesting I was like WTF! To do a test or to test what you are allergic to they put random sample of things on your skin (the simple little needle prick) and 1/2 hour later if there are raised marks on the skin then I am allergic and the severity is from 1-5(?) anywho in this day and age their ain't no better way than this?


(This is both arms all marked up with a pen. Real sophisticated stuff. )
Well obviously not, as this first go round was the environmental tests for dust, tree pollens, molds, general things. And rodents. And rats. And roaches.
Say what?
Yes, in NYC they test for all them things considering NYC has all them things. Who knew!
And apparently I am allergic to German roaches as well as standard American roaches. So even my allergies are bougie. Great.
But also aside from that she prescribed be a crapload of prescriptions cause maybe my immune system and ph is off (according to the doctor). One of the scripts is an epi pen which I didn't get from my regular doc cause of the $159 price tag. For a one time use. Just in case. Uh no- but I think she gave me a coupon so maybe- cause I would have to remember to carry it..
But interesting to note I am also allergic to tobacco. Good thing I don't smoke but I have to stay away from all that.
So now I have to go back for the blood tests for the real stuff (nuts and bolts and oats and wine) could you imaging me allergic to wine? I'm about to go wine tasting on Saturday and that would truly be sad.
Oh on another note, leave it to the random questionnaire to actively point out how pitiful the nonexistent sex life really is.



I mean unless I can be allergic to the penis or the balls or the... Then why are you asking that question? And on top of that (no pun intended) since I wasn't in here because of an allergic reaction to sex why is that on the questionnaire? Why is that on my questionnaire? Are you mocking me random form? Does that happen in real life? Is this something else I now need be concerned about? Allergic reaction to the D. Great. For that, I'll get the epi pen.
HashtagPriorities.

Prayers 9.25.15

God, come to my assistance.
Lord make haste to help me.
Glory be to the Father,
and to the Son,
and the Holy Spirit;
as it was in the beginning,
is now and ever shall be,
world without end.

Amen.



O my God, I thank you for having preserved me today
and for having given me so many blessings and graces.
I renew my dedication to you and ask your pardon for
all my sins.




Hail Holy Queen

Hail, holy Queen, Mother of Mercy!
Our life, our sweetness, and our hope!
To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve;
to thee do we send up our sighs, mourning and weeping in this valley of tears.
Turn, then, most gracious Advocate, thine eyes of mercy toward us;
and after this our exile show unto us the blessed fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
O clement, O loving, O sweet Virgin Mary.

Coffee thought...bears

Coffee thought...

I have not been writing lately.. Squat been trying to make it day by day. I have been on a few trips and gotten some sun and fun and rest and relaxation. Which is very good for my body and soul. I went to the beach in Sandy Hook and that was such a lovely day. I also went to the water win TD and peanut. They are fun.
This past weekend hung out with the family at bear mountain and we bbq'd abs drank. And laughed a lot at the craziness of everything. It was a great day. Got in the pool there and I was like oh wow haven't been here since I was a little person (still have memories in the back of my mind of being there at the pool). I was happy the brothers could make it (yes I drove them) but it still was cool. Also happy that the former intern/ AD could come out and relax a bit cause this dude does not know work life balance. At all. Eh.



Sent from my iPhone

Sometimes I feel...

So today is 'daughters day' and people over Facebook are wishing other people on Facebook Happy Daughters Day. And that's great and all if you have a daughter.  And it is equally great and all if you have a parent that recognized such things. But what if you are a daughter who unfortunately has no one to wish you a happy daughters day-  then what does that make you?

What does that make me?

And not for nothing, these contrived pseudo days we celebrate that are put into the psyche of society really do more harm than good [I'm looking at you specifically Valentine's Day] causing a whole heap of negative emotions and wild thoughts of worthiness and worthlessness at the same damn time. Them some two bad bitches.

Anywho...
Just thought I put it out there
Happy Daughters Day to the daughter I don't have (...)
and happy daughters day to the daughter I hope I was.

coffee thought...

Coffee thought...

Commuting in to work today and there are a bunch of traffic disruptions.

Today, the Pope is headed to NYC and the world is up in arms and disarray trying to prepare and accommodate his visit. 

While he is supposed to be the leader of the Catholic Church and the closest representative to GOD I am feeling very annoyed by this visit. And no offense to the man personally or professionally- cause he and this visit did not do nothing to me- not even change my MTA commute. This disruption and annoyance I feel in my spirit is reminding me of the last time a papal visit happened- specifically April 2008. While all the hoopla that was surrounding the then Pope and him coming to the Bronx to say mass at Yankee Stadium and all the things that were going on.  On the day he came to the Bronx, that was the day we had my mothers funeral. And in meeting the priest prior to having mass arrangements he made a comment that having mass that day was inconvenient/ or getting back from that mass at the stadium was an inconvenience. I remember saying to myself damn sorry my mothers death is an inconvenience to you. And from that point on I have been utterly unfazed by anything St. Augustine or Catholic church wise. I know the Lord thru my upbringing and I have faith and I pray. But I cannot feel reverence for man (priest/ pope) anything because of simple empathy that was not shown. And why how many years later do I bring this up? Because I feel crazy resentment at all that. I feel stupidly angry at something that I cannot change or control. And I feel utterly lost without the guidance and words of my mom and dad. It's stupid cause I am an adult. I think. I mean my bills say I am. But dammit apparently I am no ones child anymore. 

That hurts. 

that's all... 

Pots & kettles & all the blackness

It's Tuesday 

So this is my day of meetings galore and just loads of running around to do. Part of me needs to have a better system of maintaining balance with everything I am trying to do- and part of me is doing just fine with the balance I am achieving. 

But I always strive for better. 

But yeah, to the title of this blog- when you are in recognition of things that are happening to you and are choosing not to have that be the norm you accept but then turn around and do that to others you may want to check your blackness at the door  and your relation to calling someone on what you actively do to others. 

I'm just saying I see a spade and we ain't playing cards. 

that's all...