I hate...poem of the evening

I hate

How I give you pieces of me

And watch you fumble

to hold them all

Unsure of where to put them

Unaware of where I belong 

Because

I am heavy

And

Messy

And

A lot

And

Too much

And

Imperfect

And

Complicated

And

Scared

And so I give you

Pieces of me

And watch you as you

Attempt to

See me

And understand me

And are possibly ashamed

To touch

But you never touch

And feel

And I am left in pieces

Right here

So after I give you pieces of me

And I see you

Struggle

To

Just

Have

A

Piece

Of

Me

I

I want them back

I want me back

I try to take them back

I want me back

I want to

To lessen the burden

Of me 

And I

Hope

Truly hope

you won't fail

Me

And I

hope I don't fall

Cause look at me... 

Trying to put all my pieces

Back into their

convenient hiding places

Because

Exposed

I am vulnerable

Exposed

I am liable

Exposed

I am hurt

Exposed

I am not what you want

Exposed

I am not what you can handle

But a part

In part

I love those pieces of me

Word

Word

I may be invisible but I am invaluable

Today is not just another day

I mean as in it is a Tuesday. It is a work day. It is a day. It is also a date I remember to have changed my life- literally 29 years ago. I don't know how appropriate it is to celebrate a death or passing-- more so I want to acknowledge that it happened
What type of person would i have become?
What kind of person am I? I like to hold on to these ideals and memories that were my daddy- the things I can plainly remember. I kind of think of the things that I possibly made up in my head- was there really a Heineken incident? the thoughts I have of my father and his love or his presence is ever present and I guess a part of me. But are you sure?
Long ago, people used to say I reminded them of my dad- I guess facial features or complexion or just demeanor? I took pride in that - that i was/ am a part of something. It made me feel less like someone who has nothing or no one in this world. I know my mom said some things sometime- that voice silenced by cancer 7 years ago.
What am I trying to say here?
That who I am apparently is tied to what happened this day and while I can say this does not define me it is a part of me- not apart of me.
Anyway, what one thing has one definition?

On another note, one of my friends is going thru something difficult with their parent at this juncture and it is amazing to see what children will do for their parents. I tell you love is definitely something.

verse on Bible.com

‭Isaiah‬ ‭43‬:‭19‬ KJV

"Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it?

 I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert."

new things...

Starting the year: Horoscope: Gemini: January 1st, 2015

I figure i should have a few different horoscopes here for the start of the year and see where it takes me.HOROSCOPES

Overview

Double hurray, all of that diligence and handwork is totally paying off in 2015, Gemini. You've fought your way through enough bumps and bruises on the road to success over the past few years, and now you're ready to truly claim your foothold and take your vision to the next level. The cosmic taskmaster is finally taking a break from your work and health zone and will only come back for brief audit and finalization this summer (June-September). So go ahead and spend the first half of the year pursuing excellent collaborations and stellar people to partner with. The other sweet news is that life isn't going to be more of that all work and no play non-sense. Relationships of the romantic variety will take priority in 2015 as well. You're learning and re-learning the art of partnering. This requires quality-time and attention, good boundaries, reciprocity and the ever-elusive balance of self and other.

One of your strongest assets in 2015 (if not always) is your mind. The difference this year is your knack for large-scale dreaming. You're totally a creative visionary as the New Year begins and that powerful and exuberant influence will push you to new heights for the first half of 2015. Ju-piter, the planet of luck, abundance and the big picture continues to light up the zone of your horoscope ruling your mind, communication, siblings and daily interactions. This makes life more playful and joyful with childlike enthusiasm all around. The only caveat is that Jupiter will be retrograde until April, so you may want to wait until spring to launch your biggest-of-the-big-shot projects, Gemini.

If you've had home improvement dreams or the fantasy of a total change of residence in your brain, the second half of the year could bring tremendous opportunity for expanding your domes-tic horizons. Lucky Jupiter will move into the base of your horoscope in August bringing a strong urge to spread out and take over more living space and land. You're ready to live large in whatever context that best supports your fabulous dreams of the moment. Mars and Jupiter will tag-team it in late September and October, so mark your calendars for your new home or biggest renovation project during that time. Don't worry dear; you should be making enough cash to support some pimped out, extravagant living. Dreamy Neptune continues to bring the glamour to your career zone for the fourth year in a row. You're starting to get the hang of feeling and living like the rockstar you are, Gem!

Romantic

Neither you nor your twin take kindly to being backed into a corner, Gemini. When it comes love, you like to keep it light and the commitment as open and flexible as possible, for as long as possible. The only problem with that is when you find a total catch and the clock is ticking in the 'maybe' zone. This year the stakes are sky-high. If you haven't already landed your dream twin, you will. And if you're still hemming and hawing with the one that arrived in 2014, expect to go committed or go home (alone). The pressure is totally on because Saturn is taking residence in your partner zone for the next few years, Gemini. The cosmic taskmaster doesn't mess around with the superficial and requires the long-haul dedication. You're being tested on your commit-ment level and ability to define the boundaries and structures around relationships. If you abso-lutely don't want or feel ready to settle down, you'll have to define some seriously integrated single-hood for yourself in a way that feels steady and grounded. The point is not to waver or sit on the fence. Try that, and Saturn will most definitely bring you to your knees before the year is finished.

To double-up on this love theme (and you're all about the doubles, twinstar), the North Node of Fate will continue to bless your house of romance again this year. The magic and (possibly ob-session) that began last year could easily go to the next level. If you're not in love with a human, this could be your love of a creative project or child. If you're in the market for making babies, you have the support of destiny to help you bring a new child into this world, even if only a crea-tive baby or adoption of a new pet. The choice is always yours, Gemini. The only caveat in the love department is not to lose touch with your friends by putting all of your eggs in the love bas-ket. Your social circle is starting to miss you and your buddies could totally use some quality time before another year goes by. Finding the balance is never easy or fun, but friends are every-thing.

Career

You're finally feeling unfettered and fancy free in the work department, Gemini. All of the pressure and obstacles you encountered in 2014 should now be put to rest. The only exception comes between late June and September when Saturn backs up into your work zone to help you tie up any loose ends or unfinished business. Be sure you have your daily schedule running like a well-oiled machine by then. That gives you the first half of the year to get your act in tiptop shape, Twinstar. Your creativity is totally off the charts between the ongoing presence of the North Node of Fate amping up your playful side and Jupiter amping up your mental sector with big ideas. Oh, and add the ongoing Neptune brilliance lighting up the top of your chart in the most visionary and inspired way possible. It's nearly impossible for you not to create something gorgeous, glamorous and innovative. You've also got the breakthrough energy of Uranus in your sector of friends and collaborators to assure that you attract some radical thinkers to keep your career path fresh and ahead of the curve. The more you're willing to take risks with your long-term goals and dreams in 2015, the more generous the payback.

June (your birthday season) jumpstarts a crazy productive spell for you, Gemini. You'll have Mars powering up your stars and then Jupiter moving to the base of your chart in August to give you another dose of inspiration and luck. Late September is definitely a total work surge for you when Mars and Jupiter join forces to turn you into nothing short of a creative factory. If you've gotten a bit ahead of yourself, you can use the Venus Retrograde phase to slow down and catch up with your soul. That sweet slowdown comes just in time for summer. If you have failed to take a proper summer vacay in years (which is most likely the naughty case), no more excuses, Twins. This is your year to mix the business with the pleasure for a change. You'll have enough success to finance a killer vacation. What are you waiting for? Get on the horn and put some se-rious leisure time on the 2015 calendar before all of the space gets filled up. You know that when you blink, you're fully booked.

GEMINI (MAY 22 - JUNE 21)

For nine months of this year, the intense presence of Saturn will be moving through your sector of relationships.

With a potent Solar Return at the start of the year in your sector of possessions, you can find yourself being uncharacteristically much more focused on any commitments you have or taking new romantic opportunities more seriously.

Understanding what you really need in relationships is key to this but also of being conscious of what other people require from you.

Professional hopes are boosted from March 20 for the following six months and you will have an opportunity to demonstrate your flair and creativity and make an impact on decision makers.

Work pressures can be greater across the summer months, but if you adapt your fitness regime and diet you can cope with this well. You could also find yourself more serious about your resources all through this year. You can do very well in any business or enterprise where you use your communicational skills well or through involvement with technology.

As Jupiter moves in August, more homely considerations can occupy your thinking. This can spur you to grow your family, or bring news of a happy celebration from someone else in your clan.

You might even find yourself looking for a new home with a possibility of moving before the year comes to a close, and this can be aided by the Solar Eclipse of October, and Jupiter’s transforming angle to the planet of change, Pluto.

Emotions, prejudices, or unresolved issues from the past come up in your interactions with others now, and you may not be very objective. This is a good time to speak up and clear the air of any grievances you have been holding on to for some time. Personal subjects are the topic of discussion now. Reminiscing, remembering, daydreaming about and reflecting on the past is likely.

coffee thought: Horoscope: Gemini: December 31st, 2014

Well, what a way to end the year with this kind of horoscope...

 

This can be a very upsetting and confusing time, when you do not know exactly what you want or you do not feel strong, capable, or effective. Physically, you need to be gentle with yourself and take care not to burn up your energy reserves.

 

So basically, do not try to think about making major life decisions (today) and/ or endeavor into rock-climbing/ tough-mudder activities today. Got it. Will drink champange and watch mindless TV prattle until the new year/ new things. Oh, and I will be gentle...

this is all... that's all...

 

 

Happy End of the year folks!

Someday...

my love will say

and I will know

and trust

and love 

until then

i cry to the stars

and let the moonlight 

dance on my tears

that's all...

to the man that hit my car

I do not know what made you do it,
I do not know why you decided to come off the highway and stop irrationally close to my car.
And as I notice you in my rear view mirror, you then proceed to hit my car.
And as I get out the car I can see the choice you have, which is to swing your car around mine and attempt to get away
or sit there as me, a black female approaches you, a white male in the car.
And you have a firefighter plaquard in the window.,
And you put the phone down as I approach.
And your eyes are glazed over from what seems to be a night of inebriation
And you look at me as if I am the crazy irrational black woman who walks up to you and says
Are you fucking kidding me?
Why the fuck did you hit my car?
And as you hold your hand up as if I am going to do something I realize that
you have no clue
you don't know what you just did
and
I ask you if you are alright
and luckily you had on your seat belt
and I say you know drinking and driving kills
as well as you should fucking know better
and I have a cousin who is a firefighter and how dare you
and take your ass home before this gets ugly
and drive your car in front of me so that I don't get hit again.

My cousins are alight. I am alright.
But I am not OK

I know

I know

You have a master plan

But sometimes you are just a little hard to figure.

 

quote from the Preacher's Wife

which I am currently indulging in

and throughly relating with and enjoying

at the same time.

 

Oh Lord, please show me.

 

I am really really quite upset right now

I am really really quite upset right now
I mean there is no other way to put it.
I find out things that
#1 I am supposed to keep secret and
#2 I am supposed to be happy about and
#3 while I can say I am very happy for said people and
#4 I am reassured it is not me by said person but i
#5 Can't help but to think -- is it really me? no, really...
Wow.
I guess that's the best thing for all parties involved?
And why (if youa re a friend/ colleague/ etc) then you feel the need not to tell me considering you say you know without doubt that I have your best interest in mind... guess them the lies you be telling so you can sleep at night.
Welp
good luck.

Sent from my iPhone

coffee thought...

Coffee thought

I sit and wonder is it worth it?

I am trying to be

The best person I can be

I am helpful

Sympathetic

Empathetic

I am funny

Sarcastic

Intelligent

Hell, I'm a charming motherfucker.

But I am just

Not

Enough

expectation(s)

"When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny." ― Paulo Coelho

Coffee thought...

Coffee thought...

Traveling thru the MTA subway system on this morning going towards work I have to acknowledge I am blessed. I am awake. I am alive. I am here. That is definitely a start.
I am currently thinking about love (of course) and what it means to love someone. What it means to really love them. Are there different levels to love (like friendship versus romantic) and can these levels ever get confuddled? Like can friends become lovers and are you really lovers if you were never friends? It is an interesting concept being in love and actively loving someone. I mean I know I love folks- primarily family and friends. I know I have loved a man or two. Have I been loved back? Somehow I do not think so ( because my concept and experience of love has not been successful and/ or fulfilling). Does that mean I am incapable of being loved? Am i unlovable? On my dark days, I do think so (that I am unlovable) simply because I have not had that (love). However, I maintain HOPE that someone I do love will acknowledge the potential love inside- that someone mirrors what GOD has made me capable of (loving) and is made for me to love (and love me back). It is a definite belief I have that my man is out there. I definitely believe that. I am actively seeking that. I am aware of myself and realize no one can complete me (in the I am not broke and don't need fixing like a damn clock or something way) and I am aware that if I don't love myself, hell, how can anyone else know how to love me if I treat myself like crap ( interesting, right?!) and I know how I need to be loved (wholly. Completely. Actively. Every damned day) so yeah. Maybe my dude ain't ready for all that yet. I get it. Maybe I ain't ready for all that yet. I get it. Maybe.
that's all...


Sent from my iPhone