Grandma...

Is gone. 

I am at a loss

and 

while i can say there is no more pain

this hurts.

Trying to Understand...

So I was having a conversation with 2 coworkers today and apparently my face and demeanor and body language said some things that were not understood- or maybe understood but ignored.

Basically, one was comparing the mundane activities of the job to showing up everyday and shoveling sh*t from behind an elephant. there is no thought to it, just do it. you ca vary your way (over the left shoulder or over the right) or you can vary techniques (like using right versus left hands) but basically there is no thought to it and you are not an integral part of the overall operation- just shovel the sh*t and keep it moving.

Now, while I appreciate some sh*t sometimes, and try not to actively get myself into sh*t at times, trust and believe that my presence on this GOD's good green earth is not here to shovel sh*t [however fabulously I will do it]

so I had questions- such as, "Oh, so you believe your job is shoveling dung?"

Answer: "Yes, but here's why...insert feigned attempt at humor and complementary accolades at times"

me: So you a sh*t shoveler?"

Answer: no, but yes

me: Oh, so you full of sh*t- as in you a connoisseur of ...

Answer: Really...?

me: I mean, I am just trying to understand..

[after a few minutes of me not being amused this ended as I was beginning to get thoroughly amused to be honest]

and then I get this text message:

So I mean, yes I am just trying to save my good good words for those that I need to use them on, and give the shitty words to those that need to be spoken to on that level.

yet they say im hard on folks?

really?

that's all...

Today's touches

As I was missing mom in the way home guess who is outside? <no- that would be fucking scary>
The coco icee lady!
It's the little things.
❤

Mom...

There is not much to say

 because

I tend to miss your physical presence

 more than I can articulate.

And like I always say,

I know you are in a better place

with your mom

and peace

but selfishly I wish I could just be

your daughter- a child

safe

with my mom sitting next to me

or hugging me

or just being a mom to me

and I know that is it not possible

and I know it is not tangible

but I know it is just one wish of mine.

at any rate,

rest well

you are missed

and

always loved.

Becoming

Just wrong...

So, as I am scrolling thru the wonderful world of social media (full sarcasm in effect here) I come across HGTV. No, when I paid for cable, my TV gladly stayed on HGTV with all of the wonderful offerings (such as House Hunters, House Hunters International, Property Brothers, and every other decorative house buying creative design-on-a-dime show you can handle). I loved watching some of their things and really inspired me (at times) to create, reuse, paint outside the lines etc.
Well, the lovely folks for the HGTV web presence have lost their ever loving mind-- as they made lovely stalks of cotton to decorate your home with-- as in these bunion lickers ass wipes actually took cotton balls and stuck them on God-damned branches to recreate the 'good ole southern décor' and you too can have real lives cotton as decoration in your house.
pause.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
Someone needs to get fired- matter of fact the whole Goddamned design team needs a permanent vacation.
Hell, I get a little twinge every time I use cotton balls in the house for my makeup and manicures
I screen captured some of the 'wonderful comments' and visuals that I could before logging off and trying to get some sleep-- this is why my ass should not be social media-ing while trying to go to sleep.
But I assure you this should not be where the world is headed
and it is all ya'lls  presidents fault. [the Orange one...not my Barak]
And on another note...
when is symbols of oppression decorative art? Confederate flag? Mammy dolls? Cotton picking cotton?
I know I will have to revisit this more to understand the symbolism of some of the items out there (like the mammy doll or the lawn jockey) but until then I wish someone would be like oooh let's make some cotton for decorative purposes...

lately

Painting while confused

This evening I spent some time with my lil nephew and we were in our creative mode---

 aka painting.

Some days it is a masterpiece and some days it is confusion with a paint brush--

always amusing tho.

 His talents truly run the range of

 'lets mix as much paint as possible to make the perfect brown"

 to

 "ughhh my red disrespected my purple"

-- so the lesson of the day [still] is

 never let your red disrespect your purple

and

use as much paint as you can in life

 because

you only get one canvas

[metaphorically speaking]

small miracles...

Tiny miracles are great- don't get me wrong- I mean a miracle is a miracle... it just may not be enough to save us

- grey's anatomy 

Today is a day I feel that this is more true than not. I am looking for a miracle <tries not to break out into song ala SASA days> and so far I can't see one happening. I am sure opening my eyes, taking a breath, getting up out of bed all counts and I should be more than thankful I can even accomplish those traits on a daily basis. I am thankful. I am grateful. I am... also very aware that sometimes it is a miracle I am here- still. And not the alternate in the depth of darkness that I feel on days. 

So

I appreciate the miracles all around me- I thank GOD daily for the colors of the trees and the presence of my mind and I thank GOD for just being random some days. 

So I appreciate the miracles- small that I am. 

But, as that saying goes

It may not be enough

that's all...

coffee thought...

hmmm

Friendly conversations...

Sunshine:  excuse you

who told you you could get to work at 11?

i thought you had a meeting or something this morning

 Sent at 2:11 PM on Wednesday

 Sunshine:  *wondering if this is people ignoring me again. hmmmm...

 Sent at 2:15 PM on Wednesday

 Sunshine:  UGGHHHHHHHHHGHGHHGHGHGHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Sent at 2:41 PM on Wednesday

 me:  really

hahahahaah

well

since i was up at 2

and was getting sleepy at 5

i sent an email to the boss saying look i cant

i will try to be there at 11

and re-arranged my morning to fit into lunch time this afternoon

 Sunshine:  WHAT WAS you doing up at 2? didn't you hang up on me to go to sleep? oh my goodness you late night cheating on me

 me:  YESSS

No

iwent to sleep at 1

woke up @ 2:10 choking

ever happen to you

 Sunshine:  dick in the mouth?

 me:  like i swallowed or somethign

REALLY

REALLY?

shit if only

i would be choking then

THAT i am sure of

 Sunshine:  better start practicing then

 me:  that i want to do

 Sunshine:  choking is frowned upon

 me:  alas no willing participants

 Sunshine:  ask a cucumber. they seldom tell you no

 me:  but seeing as how i am like samantha from sex in the city and can swallow a lot of things with no lube

LOLOL

 Sunshine:  goodbye

 me:  i despise cucumbers

and really

 Sunshine:  i don't think someone who works with children should be having this conversation

 me:  you saying by to me ?\

 Sunshine:  well trick you aint eating it

 me:  exactly ms CEO

 Sunshine:  that's frowned upon too

 me:  isnt that what people supposed to do?

eat the booty like groceries

 Sunshine:  eat the dick?

 me:  HAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAAHAHAH

OMG

i am leaving this coversation

 Sunshine:  lmao

you said it

well you made me say it

anyway

 me:  smh smh

 Sunshine:  well as long as you not shaking your ass

 me:  not today

Horoscope: Gemini: March 21st, 2017

There is optimism, there is faith, and there is a tendency to take chances at the deepest emotional levels. This is a time of exploring your feelings, a kind of restlessness for new emotional experience.A feeling that anything is possible if you set your sights high enough characterizes mood today.

There is so much to be said about this statement of truths here.

I am feeling that everything and anything inclusive of nothing is possible today.

And I have been trying to make this happen longer than not.

I am feeling beyond restless- because I rest less than normal

and I am trying not to take a crazy chance based on fear

or jump out of the fire and into the depths of hell.

Sigh

that's all..

5 things 2.20.17

5 things

1. Own your own happiness
2. Challenge your own story
3. Enjoy the journey not the destination
4. Make relationships count
5. Balance work and play