coffee thought...

coffee thought...



Interestingly enough I am focusing on some of the things about me that I love lately...
And I am very very happy with that.
With me.
Which is something that I sometimes feel like ohhhh I can't celebrate me cause that is boasting and that is like conceited and that is generally not what good catholic girls do. Be humble! Be virginal! Sacrifice! Repent!
Stuff like that...
Yeah that is the doctrine I was taught.
I didn't fully buy into it but I can truthfully admit I test drove the hell out of the humble part and the self sacrifice part and the... well you know part (no need to like, you know expose every everything)
And now- nearing this magical # in this world that some folks are sooooo ashamed of and some folks never get to see... I am amazed at
Me
Gasp!
Like I am amazed I made it this far given some circumstances... South Bronx bred
I am amazed at the things I have witnessed (poverty, war, triumph, terroristic attacks,) but also births, loves joined, weddings, life, loss..
I am amazed at the travels I have traveled (Ghana, Morocco, Canada, Bermuda, California, the list goes on)
I am amazed at the people who have choose to leave- for whatever reasons
I am amazed at family... However it is defined for you.
I am amazed at the people I have loved
I am amazed at my capacity for love even tho...
I am amazed at my friends and the eclectic wonderfulness that is them- individually and collectively
It is all amazing

Just thought I'd share that.

Complain Complaining Contemplating Complaints

Complain complaining contemplating Complaints
Some issues...As this is what seems to be my current occupation
As in lodge your complaints with me...
And expect me to what?
Handle it?
Nah, my name ain't Olivia.
But after the conversations with some folks today I need to take a page out her current book and BE SELFISH..
Period
So basically had a conference call with the brothers. There have been myriads of challenges- specifically this week one of them collapsed at the bus stop and had an ambulance called.
The other brothers precarious housing situation just got more unstable as his friend had a surprise visit from their social worker and now he has to be out pronto otherwise they are both on the street.
Great.
So, as I do, once you tell me this I am asking all these damn questions like where are you with your housing applications and where is your social worker and what's your next move. He has no response but rebuttals as in you don't know all I've been doing. Correct. As I have stated multiple times is that I am only capable of giving you information based on the factors you provide me.
Period.
And when the information is not complete and I am seeking answers and questions and you are getting upset then
again
what did you call me for? to complain? to listen? to unload all your baggage on me and expect me to carry this along with the other weights of my life and be happy and silent about it?
Same things for friends who call to verbally vomit their gripes and life issues on me and while I am happy to be a friend
and stand by you
and listen to you
and support you...
ya'll need to know that
I am not the one to
fix it
I am not the one to do the

• thinking
• planning
• rationalizing
• creative budgeting
• innovative wording
• or experimental loving

that may suit your emotional, spiritual, and physical needs
that would leave me in a place of utter dissatisfaction
just stop.
I am not the one
thanks...

This is... is this?

This is
Exactly why I do not go out... and by out I mean out to the club settings.
Most of the club settings I have recently been setting in involve me standing in heels
 (looking extra cute)
but painfully aware of the things that are going on around me.
Like for example the wonderful colors of the band launch
  and seeing all the colors of Bermuda
meeting NY people in a rooftop bar in NY.
And seeing the married man
 causally and not so subtly
checking out the other married man
who is standing with his wife at the bar.
His hand on her lower back.
She is chatting away with some girl there
and he is making sexy eyes at dude.
 Interesting.
And she is none the wiser.
More interesting
And the wedding ring is nice,
 but it is just an adornment
[kinda like their marriage I assume].
And I go to the bar.
Get me a cool drink.
Drink.

Repeat
Wait for Peachy to show up
Drink.
Watch another couple... couple
and decide to leave
Cause
I can not go out
and watch couples
couple
at home.

coffee thought...

3/15/16
Beware the idea of March? Maybe ? I don't know...
My Caesar is off.
Sooooo
What's been going on in my life?
I don't know where to begin with all the things that have been done in the past couple of weeks...
all I know is that
I.
Am
someone
who needs attention.
 And not in a bad way or anything but simple acknowledgement and being listened to and kindness will go a long way. like for real a long way...
I mean these are the simple things that a person requires in life, right??  
I do not think I am asking for too much- I mean maybe attention is not the right word to describe it but you get what I mean.
care
courtesy
kindness
thoughtfulness
responsiveness (all these things Webster's dictionary describe as synonyms for attention!)
So yeah, between family and friends one of my biggest pet peeves is their lack of attention.  And I mean at times when it is evident that attention is required
(maybe I should make a tee shirt...)
I mean when I am talking to you or telling you my issues or my day or whatever
and immediately it is recognized that you are not paying attention....
'your mind is elsewhere'
or you switch topics and change the subject or ask some random thing
that is further from what I am talking about-
and maybe it is relevant to you-
like you are walking across the street and a car out of no where is about to hit you-
by all means we need to discuss this matter.
But when I am speaking- to anyone-- be it at work or at home or on the damn subway it irks me to feel like I am not being heard.
Like my voice does not matter.
That whatever it is I am speaking about has no importance to you- at this moment- or in general
and that you could care less.
And me- being the only me I know how to be - stops.
As in of course I stop talking and listen to whatever it is you are saying.
Do I go back to what I had to say?
9/10 times no. Because why?
Obviously you don't want to hear it -- or let's just say it's not that-- but obviously you cannot set aside you and your issues (ego) to spare a moment for your sibling (me) or your friend (me).
Me.
At any rate.
This is what I have noticed lately.
And I call folks on it. They laugh it off
Somehow sometimes
I do not find it funny.
But them is the facts of life.
What am I gonna do?
Oh, I'm me. You know.
The me that is a closed book to the world.
It suits me for now.
Because apparently this story is above comprehension on some levels...
And this chapter is not for public consumption..
Who knows.
that's all...

4:15 am

Still...

that's all...

(Patience/ Risk/ Why/ Handsome)

Patience / Risk/ Why/  handsome 

There are some things worth waiting for 

And they also say

Some things worth risking it all for

And 

There are some questions that are never answered 

By you 

So

...something that I have never had much of 

Is Patience 

they say patience is a virtue

And because there are other virtues that are move valued- 

Such as drive / ambition/ success/ accomplishments

Patience is one I  have never had a use for...

It is something that just didn't suit me 

at times

But now, 

I am lost 

Trying to figure out how to feel

Trying to patiently wait

Trying to understand how you feel

Wait

Do you feel?

This?

After all I am preparing to risk 

Why am I so...

Crazy

Unhinged 

Mad

Raving

About the thoughts that I thought of you 

And the thoughts that I thought that you thought

And the thoughts that you thought 

Are keeping me up

Lessening the sleep that I already don't get

To mere minutes spent wondering 

Thinking 

Contemplating 

Conspiring

Listening... 

To these thoughts 

In my minds eye 

the most perfect way 

this could be 

would end these doubts and misery- sometimes my mind goes

 to this perfect place 

where 

we 

choose

Us

and are handsomely rewarded 

With love like air

easy and freeing

palpable 

tangible

Real

Here 

But 

since this is reality 

and my patience 

is wearing thin 

to nonexistent 

and my heart 

is asking why 

and my body 

is shouting 

take the risk 

and my mind 

is saying, 

slow down handsome... 

Time will tell

Time does tell 

on you

And 

This time has come 

To set my heart free

I choose

And this is how it has to be

Mainly for my sanity

Waiting Patiently for my freedoms 

For my breath to come back

Again

For my nights to be mine again

For my heart

To beat

Again

Patiently...

Waiting...

For...

coffee thought...

The thought of the truths that were not told to me

is something that is unnerving to the basis of this here relationship.

 I can only operate with the information that is given to me

and

 when you start out with lies then everything else is built upon that shaken and unsteady ground.

 It is something that can rarely be stable and trusted-

 you know that solid ground that people claim to want to be in at all times.

 It is not that hard IF we all speak the

Truth.

The mother fucking truth.

I mean.

just because I demand the truth in my actions and being

 does not mean folks can exist in this space

clearly people go about a whole lot to keep the truth hidden

but then again is it still the truth even in the dark?

I dare say it is and has to be reckoned with on any level...

So,

in acknowledging the things that you believe about your relationships

and the truths you tell yourself about your current state of affairs

I wonder

Do you even know

 the things

 that were lied about anymore

 and

 how that effects the space

 we operate in?

Do you even care?

Hmmm. I wonder.

because they say the truth can set you free

or the truth has a way of coming to light.

eh

some people thrive on darkness

I myself sleep with a mask

but in truth

don't we all?

that's all...

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

I'm in dire need of some wonderfully good coffee. I need the warmth and comfort it continually gives me. I have come to expect that once I have my coffee my day gets exponentially better. It is fact.

So,

As I commute to work this fine day

After surviving another work out of my body

and another sleepless night of mind fuckery

Just get me to thee coffee and no one will get hurt.
that's all...

Honest words... Beau Taplin

I came across these random words

 in no particular order 

but somehow

 all have great meaning

 in my life

 at this particular time. 

(hell truthfully at many particular times)

And what is fascinating about these words

 is that they are there,

 mostly in black and white

 to see. 

And I read them aloud to hear, 

how they hit me. 

how they resonate with me 

how I want to deny them 

but hold them at the same time 

And how.. 

as I always say with words

They are completely fallible

and mischievous

and full of promise

at the same damn time.

many many more words that make much sense

coffee thought...

Wednesday
Middle of the week
Still nothing resolved with the brothers.
They are still in their respective hospitals.
I guess that's the best place for their recovery, right?
 I mean really
Work-
Endless streams of meetings and committees and
 I do not know at this time if this is moving me forward
 with all the things I think I want to do.
We shall see
we shall see
that's all...

Family

Family...Is the cause of joy and equal amounts of heartache and pain and my family in particular is one hell of a peoples.

For the past 2 weeks I have been dealing with my siblings in the hospital- one with congestive heart failure and one with the mental issues that have plagued him and I am trying trying trying to just breathe
I am trying (and feeling like I am failing) at being the good sister to them both because what does that even look like? I mean I am sympathetic and empathetic and am worrying about the well being of both of them and I am trying to coordinate care and information sharing between the two and don't even get me started on the 'fiancée ' or whatever that is because welcome- you want the title well here is the responsibility and all that comes along with that partnership. I mean some days I feel for her and wonder what she got herself into and other days I am like 6 years in hey step it up, right?
And the other one that wants what he wants (ex/ his apartment) and the detrimental issues that come along with that.
What is this sister to do?
I pray and call and visit (although truthful I have not been to the mental hospital because I may want to stay myself ) thru all I am going thru with work and friends and feelings and

EMOTIONS AND ALONENESS.

Yes. In all caps. Bold. 28 font. All that.

I selfishly want someone here for me to comfort me and support me thru these trials- hell I have been the major support for the majority of the folks in my life yet when it comes to me- here I am. I don't know how much longer I can do this - superwoman and strong blackwoman facade because talk about impostor syndrome.
And all I want to do is cry but physically I'm not able to do that because I can't
And I can't
And I can't have these thoughts of not getting up and just staying where I am and not doing
Cause I am not allowed to be the one that needs help and I am not the one who is allowed to ask for anything for me from anyone I am the one who has to figure it out- for myself and for everyone else around me and I am the one who has to be responsible and be... Together
But separate
Funny.
Family... The family that could or would be there to support or whatever thru this is no where to be found- at the first sign of disruption to the wonderful image presented dropped like flies. Which I mean is great since you get a sense of where people stand with you, right?
So, you also get a clear picture that the sacrifices and things you did for others is NOT anything that can be reciprocated for me.
Remember that
And you know at the time I was sacrificing my time and presence and things for folks I was not doing that for anyone or any thoughts or anything it was just something that needed to be done and I did it. Others was out and about living their life and I was there. I was present.
I
I was a damned fool.
But hey, one life to live and lesson learned.
Too bad tho
I would have enjoyed my life too ya know
But I digress
And here I stand- balancing precariously the health and decisions (the sisterly ones) I can make for one brother while doing the same for the other.
And I want my mother and father here- selfishly for me
Selfishness is a great trait of mine.
Because I tend to want what I want when I want it (of course working for it) and yet, always keeping in mind the fairness of it all
But selfishly wanting them to say

Hey, you doing alright baby

You are good (enough)

You are worthy of love even...

You are beautiful

And you are ... Ok

But
Those are words I will never hear from their lips again
And my solace (like a broken record) is the fact that she is no longer in pain
And my strength is (was) the things I thought I could do
But realizing
I am not special
And I am not capable
And I am just faking the funk
Just waking up
Here
Not even present
Just here
Again

coffee thought...

Too much on my mind
When I wake up I am in disbelief that I am here.
Alive
Having to struggle to do this all again
Having to fight thru the day to get to the other side of pain and move forward. Recognizing that I have limitations.
I have severe doubts of what is possible and I am utterly human with emotions that are unchecked and recklessly running rampant thru my heart. Causing havoc and pain and hurt and wow
But I'm here
I wish I could lie to myself and others and be like
I'm fine
All is well
But it's not
And I am not
But I don't matter
Not in that way to anyone anyway
And so I go on
Another day
Breathing
that's all...