...to you...

for more reasons than I could tell you

is exactly why I couldn't tell you

random words of yesternight and scrutiny

Yesternight

Soul searching seemed to stop me dead still.
I know what I want to do
 (you)
You know where you ought to be 
(here)
So if I try to ignore the deeds done in the dark
Of yesternights of long ago
Will you appear?
I wonder...
Where does that leave us?
What do we have?
It seems all we have is memories
Moments mired in misery and regret...
and yet
These fond memories
The carnal pleasures past
Left my soul in shambles
And my body longing for
So subtly
I say
I know what I want to do you know where you ought to be here?

Scrutiny/ scrutinitious

8:52

Somehow someway

'Just the way you look tonight'

Is off

It is 98.4 degrees in here 

and you have on a long sleeve turtleneck 

down to your knees. 

Now,

Not meaning to look at you scrutinitiously

But

There is something 'off' 

about wearing your 

Dior glasses in the dead of night.

So tell me something good

"Do you believe in the power of love"

Some feelings of late...

Just randomly reading words and feeling some kind of way.

Maybe it is based on the moon phase or something. 

Well that is what the moon phase said...

And these are the thoughts I felt 

And this sums up the framework of my life...

Sigh. Tomorrow is another day. 

coffee thought...

Baby I love you

(baby baby)

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

Baby I love you

In an Aretha mood 

on the train today

Baby I love you

Baby I need you

Baby I want you

All of them things 

huh

and in that order 

please

Thank you in advance to 

the Man of my dreams.

that's all...

coffee thought...

May the 4th be with you..

Which is a silly as joke but considering today is May 4 I guess it is fitting.

What is not fitting are my clothes after this cruise I went on with my friends. Leading up to this vacation that was being planned over a year ago has been one of the most stressful times of my life- particularly dealing with work, family, friends, me (and in no particular order)

Figuring out how to get oneself to the airport via the MTA that don't ever want to go your way on a regular basis is a feat. Coupled with the fact I had a houseguest for 3 weeks prior to my leaving with left me with only 2 days to get my sh*t together so that I can vacate is stressful- you would think vacationing is not (yes 1st world problems)

Anywho, once I got to Florida, relaxation was able to commence and whatever I didn't have someone had. And let me tell you the amount of drinks alone on that cruise would have equaled a plane ticket to Bermuda and back. Trust me.

Yay unlimited drink package. And yay for NCL on getting their sh*t together- because this boat was not leaving Miami unless they did have it together. 

But utterly fascinating was the sisterhood that was felt during that trip. Missing from the photo below is Steph. 

I mean considering I do not have actual sisters (tho I have adopted TD & others along the way) it was great to be like in a great mix of supporting and hilarious and smart and caring and understanding and intelligent and dynamic women. Truly. We checked in on each other and made sure everyone was having fun. We covered each other with no one stealing from the other and I got some much needed sun and sand and sleep which is a rare 3 combination. 

 I missed some peoples presence but such is life.

I loved hanging out with my nephew and his foolishness- watching him daily interact with his mom and the rest of the folks is pure genius. 

He is truly a blessed heart and his mom is a saint! Kids are great! 

There was a moment on this trip where I was being someone's social worker or counselor so to speak and this person was born on Mom's birthday but having difficulties with his family and his elder moms care and basically I was like pray and understand you did/ doing the best you can. I guess that is what has to or needs to be said and heard at times (even on vacation). Funny enough the gang was like he needs his own friends and you good to chat with him for like 1/2 HR. It was riotous. But, all in all was able to sleep, pray, think, talk and generally overall just disconnect from some of the stressors of my life. I did not check emails or log on the computer (cause I was not getting charged erroneously for nothing nor anyone's issues since I do not got it like that). Now, my itsy bitsy tiny issue that happened at the end of the trip came in the way of getting from the airport- but you know once again I figured it out.

that's the way life goes, no?

5 things

5 things

1. Own your own happiness
2. Challenge your own story
3. Enjoy the journey not the destination
4. Make relationships count
5. Balance work and play

coffee thought...

coffee thought...



Interestingly enough I am focusing on some of the things about me that I love lately...
And I am very very happy with that.
With me.
Which is something that I sometimes feel like ohhhh I can't celebrate me cause that is boasting and that is like conceited and that is generally not what good catholic girls do. Be humble! Be virginal! Sacrifice! Repent!
Stuff like that...
Yeah that is the doctrine I was taught.
I didn't fully buy into it but I can truthfully admit I test drove the hell out of the humble part and the self sacrifice part and the... well you know part (no need to like, you know expose every everything)
And now- nearing this magical # in this world that some folks are sooooo ashamed of and some folks never get to see... I am amazed at
Me
Gasp!
Like I am amazed I made it this far given some circumstances... South Bronx bred
I am amazed at the things I have witnessed (poverty, war, triumph, terroristic attacks,) but also births, loves joined, weddings, life, loss..
I am amazed at the travels I have traveled (Ghana, Morocco, Canada, Bermuda, California, the list goes on)
I am amazed at the people who have choose to leave- for whatever reasons
I am amazed at family... However it is defined for you.
I am amazed at the people I have loved
I am amazed at my capacity for love even tho...
I am amazed at my friends and the eclectic wonderfulness that is them- individually and collectively
It is all amazing

Just thought I'd share that.

Complain Complaining Contemplating Complaints

Complain complaining contemplating Complaints
Some issues...As this is what seems to be my current occupation
As in lodge your complaints with me...
And expect me to what?
Handle it?
Nah, my name ain't Olivia.
But after the conversations with some folks today I need to take a page out her current book and BE SELFISH..
Period
So basically had a conference call with the brothers. There have been myriads of challenges- specifically this week one of them collapsed at the bus stop and had an ambulance called.
The other brothers precarious housing situation just got more unstable as his friend had a surprise visit from their social worker and now he has to be out pronto otherwise they are both on the street.
Great.
So, as I do, once you tell me this I am asking all these damn questions like where are you with your housing applications and where is your social worker and what's your next move. He has no response but rebuttals as in you don't know all I've been doing. Correct. As I have stated multiple times is that I am only capable of giving you information based on the factors you provide me.
Period.
And when the information is not complete and I am seeking answers and questions and you are getting upset then
again
what did you call me for? to complain? to listen? to unload all your baggage on me and expect me to carry this along with the other weights of my life and be happy and silent about it?
Same things for friends who call to verbally vomit their gripes and life issues on me and while I am happy to be a friend
and stand by you
and listen to you
and support you...
ya'll need to know that
I am not the one to
fix it
I am not the one to do the

• thinking
• planning
• rationalizing
• creative budgeting
• innovative wording
• or experimental loving

that may suit your emotional, spiritual, and physical needs
that would leave me in a place of utter dissatisfaction
just stop.
I am not the one
thanks...

This is... is this?

This is
Exactly why I do not go out... and by out I mean out to the club settings.
Most of the club settings I have recently been setting in involve me standing in heels
 (looking extra cute)
but painfully aware of the things that are going on around me.
Like for example the wonderful colors of the band launch
  and seeing all the colors of Bermuda
meeting NY people in a rooftop bar in NY.
And seeing the married man
 causally and not so subtly
checking out the other married man
who is standing with his wife at the bar.
His hand on her lower back.
She is chatting away with some girl there
and he is making sexy eyes at dude.
 Interesting.
And she is none the wiser.
More interesting
And the wedding ring is nice,
 but it is just an adornment
[kinda like their marriage I assume].
And I go to the bar.
Get me a cool drink.
Drink.

Repeat
Wait for Peachy to show up
Drink.
Watch another couple... couple
and decide to leave
Cause
I can not go out
and watch couples
couple
at home.

coffee thought...

3/15/16
Beware the idea of March? Maybe ? I don't know...
My Caesar is off.
Sooooo
What's been going on in my life?
I don't know where to begin with all the things that have been done in the past couple of weeks...
all I know is that
I.
Am
someone
who needs attention.
 And not in a bad way or anything but simple acknowledgement and being listened to and kindness will go a long way. like for real a long way...
I mean these are the simple things that a person requires in life, right??  
I do not think I am asking for too much- I mean maybe attention is not the right word to describe it but you get what I mean.
care
courtesy
kindness
thoughtfulness
responsiveness (all these things Webster's dictionary describe as synonyms for attention!)
So yeah, between family and friends one of my biggest pet peeves is their lack of attention.  And I mean at times when it is evident that attention is required
(maybe I should make a tee shirt...)
I mean when I am talking to you or telling you my issues or my day or whatever
and immediately it is recognized that you are not paying attention....
'your mind is elsewhere'
or you switch topics and change the subject or ask some random thing
that is further from what I am talking about-
and maybe it is relevant to you-
like you are walking across the street and a car out of no where is about to hit you-
by all means we need to discuss this matter.
But when I am speaking- to anyone-- be it at work or at home or on the damn subway it irks me to feel like I am not being heard.
Like my voice does not matter.
That whatever it is I am speaking about has no importance to you- at this moment- or in general
and that you could care less.
And me- being the only me I know how to be - stops.
As in of course I stop talking and listen to whatever it is you are saying.
Do I go back to what I had to say?
9/10 times no. Because why?
Obviously you don't want to hear it -- or let's just say it's not that-- but obviously you cannot set aside you and your issues (ego) to spare a moment for your sibling (me) or your friend (me).
Me.
At any rate.
This is what I have noticed lately.
And I call folks on it. They laugh it off
Somehow sometimes
I do not find it funny.
But them is the facts of life.
What am I gonna do?
Oh, I'm me. You know.
The me that is a closed book to the world.
It suits me for now.
Because apparently this story is above comprehension on some levels...
And this chapter is not for public consumption..
Who knows.
that's all...

4:15 am

Still...

that's all...

(Patience/ Risk/ Why/ Handsome)

Patience / Risk/ Why/  handsome 

There are some things worth waiting for 

And they also say

Some things worth risking it all for

And 

There are some questions that are never answered 

By you 

So

...something that I have never had much of 

Is Patience 

they say patience is a virtue

And because there are other virtues that are move valued- 

Such as drive / ambition/ success/ accomplishments

Patience is one I  have never had a use for...

It is something that just didn't suit me 

at times

But now, 

I am lost 

Trying to figure out how to feel

Trying to patiently wait

Trying to understand how you feel

Wait

Do you feel?

This?

After all I am preparing to risk 

Why am I so...

Crazy

Unhinged 

Mad

Raving

About the thoughts that I thought of you 

And the thoughts that I thought that you thought

And the thoughts that you thought 

Are keeping me up

Lessening the sleep that I already don't get

To mere minutes spent wondering 

Thinking 

Contemplating 

Conspiring

Listening... 

To these thoughts 

In my minds eye 

the most perfect way 

this could be 

would end these doubts and misery- sometimes my mind goes

 to this perfect place 

where 

we 

choose

Us

and are handsomely rewarded 

With love like air

easy and freeing

palpable 

tangible

Real

Here 

But 

since this is reality 

and my patience 

is wearing thin 

to nonexistent 

and my heart 

is asking why 

and my body 

is shouting 

take the risk 

and my mind 

is saying, 

slow down handsome... 

Time will tell

Time does tell 

on you

And 

This time has come 

To set my heart free

I choose

And this is how it has to be

Mainly for my sanity

Waiting Patiently for my freedoms 

For my breath to come back

Again

For my nights to be mine again

For my heart

To beat

Again

Patiently...

Waiting...

For...

coffee thought...

The thought of the truths that were not told to me

is something that is unnerving to the basis of this here relationship.

 I can only operate with the information that is given to me

and

 when you start out with lies then everything else is built upon that shaken and unsteady ground.

 It is something that can rarely be stable and trusted-

 you know that solid ground that people claim to want to be in at all times.

 It is not that hard IF we all speak the

Truth.

The mother fucking truth.

I mean.

just because I demand the truth in my actions and being

 does not mean folks can exist in this space

clearly people go about a whole lot to keep the truth hidden

but then again is it still the truth even in the dark?

I dare say it is and has to be reckoned with on any level...

So,

in acknowledging the things that you believe about your relationships

and the truths you tell yourself about your current state of affairs

I wonder

Do you even know

 the things

 that were lied about anymore

 and

 how that effects the space

 we operate in?

Do you even care?

Hmmm. I wonder.

because they say the truth can set you free

or the truth has a way of coming to light.

eh

some people thrive on darkness

I myself sleep with a mask

but in truth

don't we all?

that's all...