coffee thought...

coffee thought...

Here I am again.
Both brothers in the hospital dealing with amputation and sanity in their forms of illnesses that have been manifesting over the years
and
here I am trying not to be the visiting nurse service because my mentals cannot take this.
My sanity cannot handle this.
I seriously think they coordinate this bi-monthly series of visits and short to long stays in the hospitals and mental institutions respectively out of a lack of anything else to do
or
 just cause it's Tuesday
or
just cause some days they may be bored.
I know that sounds cruel and i am quite possibly writing this out of some anger or upsetness or some not right thinking in my head.
But- as of right now,  I am seriously not this strong black woman that I have been for upwards of three decades now.
It is tiresome-
And I am tired. I am exhausted. I am beat.
I am also just not sure how much more I am supposed to give when I legitimately have nothing left. Maybe if I had a stronger heart or stronger soul or a stronger mind I could do this.
Alone.
 Like I have been.
And in all my aloneness I have dealt with many an issue.
But now, at this time. I can not. I will not. I shall not.
I have to take care of me right this minute because my care of me cannot be entrusted to anyone else- I mean who else is there for me?
And if I do not choose me, then why on earth would...
At any rate, I know my faith in the Lord has carried me and will continue to do so.
That is all I got.
But even the Lord got a day of rest.
Even the Lord wants us to take care of ourselves and all that jazz. 

Cause I am not the one for this foolishness.

And call me selfish.
Call me making this about me.
Call me not being a good sister, friend, granddaughter, whatever.
Call me anything anyone wants to call me.
But don't call me for that shit.
that's all...

Horoscope: Gemini: September 14th, 2016

An inclination to delve beneath the surface of matters to get to the bottom of them. Research uncovers new evidence that allows you to develop a better overall picture of any dramas that have been going on around you or with you involved.Try to work them out now as they have a better chance of finally having closure and resolution.
Well ain't that the cotton picking truth!

Horoscope: Gemini: September 13th, 2016

You may be wearing your heart on your sleeve and everyone is out to abuse your resources-both mental and material. Don't be an easy target today when friends attempt take advantage of your good nature and push it beyond what can reasonably be expected of you. Sometimes you simply have to say no.

Remember, No is a complete sentence- Anon

coffee thought...

coffee thought...
Something about a Tuesday is very hopeful in my spirit and you know when You feel utterly blessed and can't articulate it? That is how I feel this morning. And I know I should feel that everyday but today of all days positivity ruminates from me.
Be blessed all!
that's all...

How I spent my summer (the short version)

This summer was filled with many things I did. I went to Bear Mountain a few times with the fam and thoroughly enjoyed the craziness. I had a few good nights out with some co-workers and some friends. Love the NYC nightlife ya know!!! AndI had the opportunity it's to reflect of the many blessings that are in and around the city of NY.
Was able to see Mozart at Lincoln center

listening to the orchestra

although it was a tragic occasion I ended up having to go to Bermuda to handle some family business and I did get to go to the beach. I definitely shed some tears there because of all the lives lost and the mortality of....us all. I didn't get lost in the triangle...although sometimes my mind...

Also, got a little creative with myself with some painting and re-decorating my home (home pics not avail but here is the start of a structured project. I promise it is a masterpiece.)

And finally had some time to work on some writing! Now, the subject matter is jarring but what about life is not? I mean there is more, more, more-- but i understand in time all things will come... and with that, we are about to fall into fall literally!

Something happened...

That fateful day 15 years ago
something utterly tragic
happened.
And we were witness.
Everyone has a story.
Never forget- they say...
No one can forget.
But throughout the days that followed
the images that permanently scar our memory
And the terror that is ever present
We have to acknowledge
the way the world changed.
We changed
Every single one of us
For generations to come
Has been changed by this day
Forever in our hearts
Our minds
Our words
And CG was born
To my family
My fellow wordsmiths
keep using your voice
Keep Tasting the ketchup
And Spitting venom
While Lost in Mental Fornication
Just keep being...
CG..

I think I know where...

I think I know where I fucked up...

It would have to be karate kid part 2 theme song came out. The words happen to have something in there about

I'll be the man

Who will fight for your honor

I'll be your hero

You've been dreaming of

We'll be together

Knowing forever

That we did it all

For the glory of love

Now, taken individually out of context these are just words to support a kick ass storyline about this dude rescuing this girl and them falling in love innocently and stuff-- but when you put those words in the psyche of a ___ year old impressionable pre-teen whose hormones are raging and whose dream of love had yet to be fulfilled (in whatever way a teenager gets their dreams fulfilled) this thought process sticks with you as you get older.
And you are more aware
You are more aware of what you want in a man- not only for a man who will 'fight for your honor' (and I do not mean in some janky ancient Chinese ritual) but in the way they will fight to be with you- stand by you and with you when you are acting in a way that calls for less than a loving manner, and he will stand by you when you are excelling and accomplishing some real black-woman- magic shit, and he will stand by you when you are in danger and are falling. A man who will be proud to have you and know that YES you are worth IT. So, I assumed somewhere in my mind I equated this song to something of a great comparison to what I wanted to feel when I finally felt love.
These ideals kinda transpire in the way I evaluate a man to be able to be partnerable- because all of the things I wish a man to do for/with me I will be doing for/with him (like support and love and comfort and womanly stuff, ya know?) 
And it stuck.
Funny thing about 90's music. It's old.
And in recognizing the age of the music and the movie soundtrack you also get to thinking these ideals of  love and a man who will fight for your honor are just as old and antiquated and obsolete when unfortunately due to the rampant fragility of some black male ego these days, black men wont even claim you, stand up and fight for our equality and fight for our presence, safety, rights et. al...
but... it's good to know where I fucked up in the 'game' thinking that is truth...it is actually entertainment and a good movie.

Here's a Bible passage I'd like to share with you...

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭11:28‬ ‭KJV‬‬

 

One of my favorite verses in the Bible... give me rest dear Lord.

Amen.

Tears in my eyes burn

Tears in my eyes burn

Because apparently prayer
repentance
remorseful feelings
past and
hurt
sorrow
future and
shortness of breath
migraines
ache
And physical pain
is not enough.
I'm not enough.

It is thru tears
I seek to find
clarity
in the prayers I cry at night.

I pray for my sanity
Because my thoughts of this life
Are crazy
And not in the ha-ha-you-so-crazy-girl
Kind of crazy way
But in the oh-there-are-people-locked-up-in-institutions-with-that-line-of-thought
kind of crazy
And
As someone who is conscientious about being conscious about my thoughts
And how they effect me
Affect others
And how I am trying to be sane
And safe
And satisfied
Everyday it is a struggle to remember
Who I am
And not question
Why
Am I
Because the hugest why is always looming over my thoughts
Actions
In- actions
Why God why

I pray for my health
Because
There are things that are there
but you know
just there and
I am supposed to remain calm and
keep going
as if things are not there
because you know
No.
Just keep going.
And because if I am healthy then I live.
Ironic
And
Alive.

I pray for companionship
And not in the platonic way
But then again
How dare I
Want
Need
Desire
Stop.

Then I pray for
less aloneness
For comfort in the noise
And for uncomfortable in the silence
Because
one can become accustomed
To
comfort in silence
And
uncomfortable noise.

So I pray for discernment
Absolution
Continued integrity
Courageously Authentically Responsibly
Wholly
Holy
While tears in my eyes burn
Salt streaking my skin
Following the tracks of
The last set of
Prayers I cried

And maybe someday
One day
In faith
My prayers will be answered
Hands cupping my face
Lips pressed to mine
Eyes seeking searching
For me
One day
Some day
The tears in my eyes
Won't burn
Anymore