coffee thought...

coffee thought...

I'm in dire need of some wonderfully good coffee. I need the warmth and comfort it continually gives me. I have come to expect that once I have my coffee my day gets exponentially better. It is fact.

So,

As I commute to work this fine day

After surviving another work out of my body

and another sleepless night of mind fuckery

Just get me to thee coffee and no one will get hurt.
that's all...

Honest words... Beau Taplin

I came across these random words

 in no particular order 

but somehow

 all have great meaning

 in my life

 at this particular time. 

(hell truthfully at many particular times)

And what is fascinating about these words

 is that they are there,

 mostly in black and white

 to see. 

And I read them aloud to hear, 

how they hit me. 

how they resonate with me 

how I want to deny them 

but hold them at the same time 

And how.. 

as I always say with words

They are completely fallible

and mischievous

and full of promise

at the same damn time.

many many more words that make much sense

coffee thought...

Wednesday
Middle of the week
Still nothing resolved with the brothers.
They are still in their respective hospitals.
I guess that's the best place for their recovery, right?
 I mean really
Work-
Endless streams of meetings and committees and
 I do not know at this time if this is moving me forward
 with all the things I think I want to do.
We shall see
we shall see
that's all...

Family

Family...Is the cause of joy and equal amounts of heartache and pain and my family in particular is one hell of a peoples.

For the past 2 weeks I have been dealing with my siblings in the hospital- one with congestive heart failure and one with the mental issues that have plagued him and I am trying trying trying to just breathe
I am trying (and feeling like I am failing) at being the good sister to them both because what does that even look like? I mean I am sympathetic and empathetic and am worrying about the well being of both of them and I am trying to coordinate care and information sharing between the two and don't even get me started on the 'fiancée ' or whatever that is because welcome- you want the title well here is the responsibility and all that comes along with that partnership. I mean some days I feel for her and wonder what she got herself into and other days I am like 6 years in hey step it up, right?
And the other one that wants what he wants (ex/ his apartment) and the detrimental issues that come along with that.
What is this sister to do?
I pray and call and visit (although truthful I have not been to the mental hospital because I may want to stay myself ) thru all I am going thru with work and friends and feelings and

EMOTIONS AND ALONENESS.

Yes. In all caps. Bold. 28 font. All that.

I selfishly want someone here for me to comfort me and support me thru these trials- hell I have been the major support for the majority of the folks in my life yet when it comes to me- here I am. I don't know how much longer I can do this - superwoman and strong blackwoman facade because talk about impostor syndrome.
And all I want to do is cry but physically I'm not able to do that because I can't
And I can't
And I can't have these thoughts of not getting up and just staying where I am and not doing
Cause I am not allowed to be the one that needs help and I am not the one who is allowed to ask for anything for me from anyone I am the one who has to figure it out- for myself and for everyone else around me and I am the one who has to be responsible and be... Together
But separate
Funny.
Family... The family that could or would be there to support or whatever thru this is no where to be found- at the first sign of disruption to the wonderful image presented dropped like flies. Which I mean is great since you get a sense of where people stand with you, right?
So, you also get a clear picture that the sacrifices and things you did for others is NOT anything that can be reciprocated for me.
Remember that
And you know at the time I was sacrificing my time and presence and things for folks I was not doing that for anyone or any thoughts or anything it was just something that needed to be done and I did it. Others was out and about living their life and I was there. I was present.
I
I was a damned fool.
But hey, one life to live and lesson learned.
Too bad tho
I would have enjoyed my life too ya know
But I digress
And here I stand- balancing precariously the health and decisions (the sisterly ones) I can make for one brother while doing the same for the other.
And I want my mother and father here- selfishly for me
Selfishness is a great trait of mine.
Because I tend to want what I want when I want it (of course working for it) and yet, always keeping in mind the fairness of it all
But selfishly wanting them to say

Hey, you doing alright baby

You are good (enough)

You are worthy of love even...

You are beautiful

And you are ... Ok

But
Those are words I will never hear from their lips again
And my solace (like a broken record) is the fact that she is no longer in pain
And my strength is (was) the things I thought I could do
But realizing
I am not special
And I am not capable
And I am just faking the funk
Just waking up
Here
Not even present
Just here
Again

coffee thought...

Too much on my mind
When I wake up I am in disbelief that I am here.
Alive
Having to struggle to do this all again
Having to fight thru the day to get to the other side of pain and move forward. Recognizing that I have limitations.
I have severe doubts of what is possible and I am utterly human with emotions that are unchecked and recklessly running rampant thru my heart. Causing havoc and pain and hurt and wow
But I'm here
I wish I could lie to myself and others and be like
I'm fine
All is well
But it's not
And I am not
But I don't matter
Not in that way to anyone anyway
And so I go on
Another day
Breathing
that's all...

black women

It is our burden and our responsibility

And at some point

I am loosing it

And by it I mean any semblance of 'good' that I thought I was
Am
Are
Like for example,
here i am in this world living and working and going about my daily life.
I pray. Do good. Exercise more often than not. I consider myself kind, caring, etc (just so we are clear that does not mean if you are not these things as well you aren't as good and don't deserve) but basically all that stuff has lead me to this place of unsatisfactory being.
And in case you think I am magically praying for and waiting for a companion to 'save' me, complete me or whatever me you are beyond utterly mistaken about me and should cease immediately reading this blog.
No, here is what it is-
At some point there has to be an it's your turn- you get to go, you get to try this out (relationship/ male companionship/ possibly cohabitation/ lest we go into the realm of physical touch)
And at some point there has got to be an enough is enough of this singled life that you are living and working at.
And at some point you think wow, you could possibly be loved cause you certainly do love
and at some point you are entirely mistaken with that whole thing- but because you have some semblance of faith you preserver really well and even live and happen to enjoy most of the life you are building...
And at some point you look around at your family and friends and peers and thank god for them and think at some point you can too have something/ someone to share them with.
And at some point you don't know what point you get real good at not expecting it for you- whatever it is- cause that point you can't recognize at all.
And at some point you think about the things you are not- specifically someones choice. Someones reciprocal love. Someones risk. Someones heart.
And at some point you believe the things that society is saying about women like you- unattached, unwanted, undesirable and hell maybe even undeserved.
And at some point you kind of hope for the end to be nearer than the beginning cause this story can not fathom a happy ending.
At some point you stop feeling
And at some point you ask God to remove those desires from your wants because if it is not meant for you (children/ companionship, etc) then remove those wants from your heart and soul and you can refocus on other things that matter to other folks and leave those matters of the heart for those that need use of their heart.
at some point....

coffee thought...

This is the 12th day of January in the year of 2016.

2016. 

That is a scary thought. 

There is something about the beginning of the year 

that gives me so much hope and promise

 for all of the goals that I may have 

and 

all of the obstacles 

that I feel I can accomplish.

It's the beginning

So on this Tuesday morning train ride what have I accomplished thus far?

Waking up,

 bathing

 and putting on a matching outfit 

to head to work and be productive.

Those are all tasks to be proud of.

 Cause getting out of a bed daily some folks can't do

 so kudos to you (me)

Don't go overachieving and hurt yourself.

Pace yourself.

Baby steps

Breathe.

And drink the coffee

that's all...

Coffee thought two

Coffee thought two...

There are some times that I think I was not meant to be
Here
Cause some of the realities of these everyday situations just baffle me.

coffee thought...

Counting down to the end of the work year for me...
and almost the start of the new year.
I am oh so tired. 
Work and the current work I am doing is very draining 
and this is something I can truly say
I need a mental break from

Family-
they are always a challenge. 
One brother is trying to go back to the situation that made him 'loose it' this time around because his mind (something that can't be trusted all the time) is telling him to do so. So when you call me 3-4 times in one evening because you can not quiet them thoughts that are telling you some things because your frustrated and trying to figure out how to get back to what that was - which I maintain is not love because love doesn't manipulate and degrade you like that.  But I mean apparently love makes you crazy in more senses than one - but ultimately come on. But here are your choices- to be alone in a world that does not respect you or love you like you need or to settle and accept a shadow version of some type of love (again I maintain it is not love) in order to have some companionship.
Eh. To each his own, right?
I can say no judgement here however I am fully aware that this is judgmental as hell because I am a judgey person. 
Sir, so sue me.
that's all...

coffee thought...

It's been great lately...
 And by great i mean insane as all it can get.
Imagine getting a call that your brother is missing. And that folks have not seen him in 2 days.
And that he has been speaking to himself and having conversations in his head about the validity is the thoughts in his head. And imagine you call his job and there is no one that saw him.
And so you work with the sibling and friends to do the things you need to do- like file a missing persons report.
 You call around to friends.
You are relentlessly annoyed by his ex-girlfriend because whatever I'm doing is not enough (to her).
I drive around to his known places maybe he would be there at all random hours.
 I go to work.
 I try not to (and fail) at thinking about the things that could be happening and the thoughts of how this world treats a six-foot black man, a six-foot 300+ lb black man, let alone a six-foot 300+ lb black man with a mental illness.
 And you call hospitals looking for John Does that could fit the description and pray none fit the description. Finally 4 days later, in recalling the hospitals they check the psych ward of a place and he may be there.
 So I leave work and head over there to meet the other sibling and it is him.
There. Again.
We chat about life and he has to get his medicines regulated (because he has been off for some time) but there is that mess. And the there is his ex who is the reason he is in here to begin with. And his constant choice to be with her- or have her in his life, or love??
But we live in a world of choice and free will. Remember that...
Not more than a week later bro #2 goes to the hospital on a Saturday with chest pains. Let's be clear this one just got thru admonishing the other for lack of taking care of himself. Well turns out homeboy ain't been taking blood pressure medicine and not been taking diabetes medicines and has early congestive heart failure and one of his kidneys is failing because of this- lack of being in good health and care for yourself.
Note this one has a live in lover/ girlfriend/ love of his life for over 6 years and all that and this so where you are? Who are you being? And then gots the unmitigated gall to be upset and the one visit I made to him in the hospital.
Dude, with these choices you made that directly affects the choice I made-
free will, remember.

So I am over hospitals and care and bothers and I am very very clear on why I am alone because there is no partner in this world that would be able to be with me all thru this and support me and not loose their mind and their non-family stuff.And I am very clear on the person that I am who gives and cares for them and honestly will always love and want to have them around and be the brothers/ family we are supposed to be but I cannot be this savior or this healthcare person nurse nancy or anything to anyone. I cannot dare have someone mistakenly love me and have to deal with my family stuff because I know that I have a lot of things going on and I know that me alone is enough of the bat-shit crazy that a multitude of people can handle, let alone one lucky ass person so I know that they would not be equipped to handle me and all that my family issues. 
So yeah. I am very very clear why my heart is what it is for love. 
I am not equipped to deal with this. 
But it is a good thing I do not have to worry about all that, now isn't it.
that's all...

You're all I need to get by...

Like sweet morning dew/
I took one look at you/
And it was plain to see/ 
That you are my destiny...

There is something about this song (Aretha Franklin version, thanks) that makes it easier to believe there is someone out there willing to love and support you and know that
you are my destiny.
It is a great great tune to like ascribe to someone who you does all these things for your love.
Stand by you like a tree...
And it is reciprocal because...
Darling in you I found...

Sigh...
It is something that I tend to think of describes my love with the man of my dreams--
the currently elusive man of my dreams
 but the myriad of love of and from the man of my dreams would kinda be set to the tune of this song.
Along with I want your sex..
And freak in you...
And 1/2 on a baby...and well you get the point.
Sorry I digressed...
that's all...