Horoscope: Gemini: July 31st, 2018

Release from restrictive circumstances and pressures is the key issue of this time period. 

Obligations and responsibilities are not so demanding now, 

and you are able to enjoy a greater level of freedom in your daily life.

Saw this

Saw this today as I was 

thinking

about my mommy 

and all the things i wished i can say

tell her

just receive love from her

and

i realize

physically

she is not here

 but always 

in my heart. 

It's these little messages that i get from the universe

that keeps me going. 

that's all...

So been thinking

So been thinking
like what a difference a year makes.
Last year, this time- so much was going on.
At this point- Bro #2 Mike was hospitalized with the stroke that put him in Jamaica hospital. I went to visit him and while he was there he was able to be coherent, he laughed joked but was not 100% but he was not gravely in dire straights. About 2 days later so possibly July 2 he had a massive seizure and stroke that completely took out the left side of his being, and his ability to breathe, swallow, communicate and was in a coma.
To hear it being told and to witness it-  Basically he was not put on anti stroke medications until it was too late. I checked in with my friend's hubby who is a brain surgeon who stated it was imperative for this to happen within the first 12-24 hours until they know. It is something that unfortunately we (I specifically) can do nothing about as it does not change the outcome.
Questions: Why the stroke to begin with? He did not have his blood pressure medication and did not have his diabetic medications because my brothers' other [aka the wife] would not pick them up for him since he didn't have the money to pay [he was unemployed and attempting to get disability or some compensation] although she was working full time and he was covered under her insurance. These are things it took her forever to find out and do [cover him under insurance, and even realize he was covered under her medication plan] She didn't know.  I call it negligence.
What other factors contributed to the stroke? Poor eating habits- let me be clear that did not start recently- but no food in the house at all- there was times he was literally eating one package of spinach [the frozen brick] because she was not bringing food home since she was eating at work and out because this is how she runs her household. I know they fought over this. Her marital household. The person you love. Right.
I failed to mention the nasty negative things her sister said about my brother and family and me just last year because what good does that do? Does not change the outcome.
What now? Nothing but healing. Trying not to fall into depression of unimaginable depths. Aloneness. Wishing folks were present. Just yeah.
I haven't deleted his number from my phone. That's rough.
So many people I've already removed :
Granny.
Grandma Anderson
People I want to talk to and ask advice of.
People who I figured would just be...
eh.
Just keep moving.
that's all..

[trying to heal this shit is a bitch. I am just saying I am trying... my heart is trying. but this really shook me to my being. made me question GOD- all of the God's and the Angels & the Devil. It is real, man- it is very real]

Peeves... not the ghost

If you have ever wondered what one of the things that grinds my gears and really really pisses me off would be- either to avoid doing it or to testing the theory-- it is while I am on the phone with you in full fledged conversation. I am speaking. I am making a point (most likely there is a story involved)
and what do you do?
One of two things:

• YOU COMPLETELY IGNORE ME and START TALKING OVER ME WITH SOME COMPLETELY UNRELATED TOPIC- like if I am stating my feeling about my day or what is going on and you then decide to be like oh, have you seen the new Childish Gambino/Beyoncé video? Uhhh, sir/ madame are you fucking kidding me? We were not even talking about  Donald Glover or Beyoncé and why is that what you are switching the conversation to?
• YOU START TALKING TO SOMEONE ELSE IN FULL FLEDGED CONVERSATION WHILE I AM TALKING AS IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PHONE TO YOUR EAR TALKING TO ME (I am not talking about if people start talking to you because that sometimes happens- but if you proceed to hold a damn conversation with them- I ain't En Vogue, I do not Hold On')

Is my issue/ voice/ concerns not important enough for you? Does my voice annoy you?
I am positive we have had enough of the counseling-of-you-time on this call and now I would like the balance of friendship to tilt in my favor during this conversation and NO- this is too hard for you to handle.
 Legit I do two things:

• I go silent
• I get off the phone

It is obvi that my presence is not needed in this one sided friendship so let me excuse myself politely (cause manners still count) and be on my way. I will talk to myself in the damn mirror before I begin to have a conversation of any depth with you again, thanks!
Old habits die hard- so I give people more chances than they deserve, but once I get the hint- boy oh boy.
Message received.
Case closed.
Not to be continued.

that's all...

oh, don't try this at home. with me. ever.
thanks.

Horoscope: Gemini: June 26th, 2018

The past and the future intermingle, and the barriers between people dissolve. This marks a time of considerable inner emotional and spiritual inspiration, which will rejuvenate and redevelop your personal ideals. Your life takes on a kind of mystical quality at the emotional and instinctive levels now. There is the key to the greater psychic and spiritual sensitivity you feel now.


So I figure that today I have a greater connection to the feelings that I am feeling and the trusting of my instincts should be paramount.

Picking up the pieces

Today is June 20, 2018. 

A full 7 months later I am returning to writing.

 I stopped. 

Everything Stopped. 

My life as I knew it just stopped.

I guess I should explain...

A lot has happened. 

The day after I wrote that last blog (11/07/17) my younger brother died.

Michael S. Bean
July 26, 1977- November 8, 2017

Mike was in the hospital from June 30 from a having a stroke. The hospital took a few days in determining treatment and he had another massive stroke that took out his left side of his body and communication skills. He continued to fight and try to breathe and learn to communicate again and simple things like learning how to swallow again. His spouse was absolute trash and while I have sympathy and possibly empathy for loosing a spouse, there are some rather fucked up things she said and did thruout the whole damn process. I have text messages from him saying that she is trying to starve him and does not care about him and just things that contributed to this. Note: I cannot blame anyone for anything- his life choices (i.e spouse choices and health choices and etc) are/ were his and I own that. I had a different perception of what a loving partner brings to the table (inclusive of health insurance and common sense and food in the house or general partnership and caring for each other - maybe I'm way off which is why...) so with that being said in the hospital they amputated his left leg and he never recovered from alot of things (falling out the bed- some terrible health care and decision making- altho there were some angels in there and for that I am grateful.)

The call came at 5 am on that Wednesday morning and immediately I went into fixing it mode. What did I have to do to lay my brother to rest, to make sure his legacy and memory is honored and to just let him be at peace. This is the prayer and guiding principles to the actions I take- let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.. song from church. My friends/ family (TD, Sparkles, Sunshine, other brothers, Bermuda family) were phenomenal. I can't begin to say all the ways they supported Bro #1 & I but they did. We had a service for him the following week. His co-workers showed up for him- he touched so many people in life it is astonishing. I hope he knew how much he was loved. I wish he knew how much he is missed and how much of an impact he had and has on people. I still tear up thinking about my little brother (case in point as I type this) but I hope he know just how much he meant to me. He is brilliant. I read the eulogy. I made it thru without tears. And then, we pick up the pieces. 

We cleared his stuff out her apartment per her request in December and from that point on I have had 2 text messages from her. No, she is not getting his ashes- that is a blog for another day--- but all this was stressing and highly debilitating to me- a person who is functioning barely at a productive level. 

And this is topping off the passing of two of the matriarchs of my family:

Marie E. Tuzo Bean Lodge
June 2016

'Granny' as she was know to me all my damn life passed June 2016. She was in the hospital for what seemed like a chest cold, pneumonia or what turned out to be potentially lung cancer. She was vibrant and 'rude' until the end. I flew to Bermuda to see her off which was traumatic as I am in the country of my father's birth representing this extension of the family- alone- but surrounded by so much family. This woman was heroic and iconic in more ways than can be listed and I felt this was my connection to my Dad. The last. Luckily I have amazing cousins and 2 Aunties and an Uncle left (out of 10 children) that keep me in the loop. Her passing was really hard on me and just coping and living without her Bermudian accent and wise words that were imparted randomly truly affected me. Sorely missed always in my heart. 

Eleanor M. Anderson
May, 2017

Grandma Anderson passed May, 2017. Devastating. She fought a long battle with cancer and was not herself towards the end. She was having seizures and while her mind was amazingly sharper than anyone I know, her body just couldn't hold on any more. What gets me is that of course she planned her own funeral (years ago she was telling Eileen & I where important papers were and where things were and wrote her eulogy. Always prepared- I don't know if she was a girl scout). Her passing was disastrous in just so many ways. Yes as with everyone I am thankful she was not suffering but I know we (as in all of the people she touched) were not ready to let go. 

With all this, dealing with Bro#1 and his living situation and how this loss of his brother would affect his overall well being- I felt as if I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. He is currently in a shelter and this is in and of itself heartbreaking and what am I supposed to do? 

the last pic of the three

How can I just... I just don't know. We were 3. ALWAYS.  We legit balanced each other out with just the right amount of ratchet and educatedness. My two bothers literally are the angel/ devil of consciousness that guide me at times. How can a person just let that go? It is more than a loss... it is shattering to the soul. Something that I know is not repaired yet. 

Thru all this, I was navigating how to translate my work with Financial Education into something that was more fulfilling and an actual position and how I can solidify my next career moves. I presented at my jobs student affairs conference in February and then presented on Financial Education in June with my boss. That was something that was eye opening for me in the realm of possibilities for advancement and overall worth. 

So with all the things that happened to me (around me/ with me/ about me/ outside of me) the last 2 years, I feel that after a while I became numb to everything. Going thru the motions and just surviving. Not living altho I gave a great perception of 'living my best life' while trying to 'live my life like its golden' I was just there. 

Here. 

Not feeling anything but sadness. 

I could not write tho I had so many things to say. 

I could not believe because what is there to believe in - how and who do I ask this to?

Can I say Prayer helps. 

Breathing helps. 

And as of now, I am just finding my strength to be 

alive

again

picking up all the pieces 

and painstakingly putting them back into place. 

never to be the same again 

but tying to be beautiful

and whole

again. 

Step one:

GOD.

that's all

coffee thought...

hmmm

coffee thought...

So I took this quiz and it is surprisingly accurate for 1:30 pm in the afternoon?
I guess I should find some other words to associate with...
that's all...

coffee thought...

Thinking and singing at work today as I work hard and drink the coffee

[but it is not hard work drinking this coffee here]

and I am

SINGING ALOUD

in my office.

who does that?

ME

as I am feeling this song and the potential for love just swept over me for

no particular reason,

but just FYI I love this song, and the words,

 and the sentiment of someone singing this to me.

One day, it will happen... I claim it!

Give it a listen-- lyrics below

Knocks Me Off My Feet

Stevie Wonder

I see us in the park
Strolling the summer days of imaginings in my head
And words from our hearts
Told only to the wind felt even without being said
I don't want to bore you with my trouble

But there's somethin 'bout your love
That makes me weak and
Knocks me off my feet
There's somethin 'bout your love
That makes me weak and
Knocks me off my feet
Oh baby, said knocks me off my feet

I don't want to bore you with it
Oh but I love you, I love you, I love you
And I don't want to bore you with it
Oh but I love you, I love you, I love you
More and more

We lay beneath the stars
Under a lover's tree that's seen through the eyes of my mind
I reach out for the part
Of me that lives in you baby, that only our two hearts can find
But I don't wanna bore you with my trouble
But there's somethin 'bout your love
That makes me weak and
Knocks me off my feet

There's somethin 'bout your love
That makes me weak and
Knocks me off my feet

Oh baby said you knock me off my feet
I don't want to bore you with it
Oh but I love you, I, ooh honey
I don't want to bore you with it
Oh but I love you, I love you, love you
And I don't want to bore you with it
Oh but I love you, I love you, I love you
More and more

Songwriters: STEVIE WONDER

© EMI Music Publishing, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown - Sally's Rant (YOU BLOCKHEAD!)

I have got to say as I sit here and watch the annual viewing of 

The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown... 

it dawns on me about all the wonderful gems in it. 

it is lifes' true lesson!!!

check it- Sally here is infatuated with Linus- a co-dependent blanket loving boy. 

He has a great heart, and is waiting in the 'most sincere' pumpkin patch. 

Now- where this notion of the Great Pumpkin came from- dunno, but he believes this pumpkin dude is supposed to bring toys and whatnot to the children's. 

Anywho, his sis Lucy thinks he is crazy- 

for sticking to his beliefs of this pumpkin patch...

and she tells him in a sisterly way. 

Charlie Brown, 

as good as a friend would do, 

tells him too, but lets him go about his business- cause men. 

SO basically it is Sally- 

the love-struck lil sister of Charlie Brown 

who volunteers to forgo trick-or-treating 

[henceforth acquiring her own sweets & treats] 

to 'stand by and support her man' in his dream. 

Suffice it to say, when no great pumpkin shows up- 

she is highly upset, and unleashes a rant on him 

which includes a demand for reparations

I HOLLERED!

why, at this age is this such a true life/love/relationship advice?

well a few things

1- there was no proof of the pumpkin- only his belief & his words. Now, facts have proven that for several years there is no pumpkin- but she foolishly believes him.

2- baby girl while she wanted to be there with the dude, but she also wanted her own. So she forgoes her needs and sacrifices for him. 

3- when it turns out that ain't nothing happen- as in there is no great pumpkin, she wasted her time, she could have been enjoying herself with what she wanted to do

Life lesson- don't follow a man for your happiness- you have to get that yourself. 

Let's not even go about the life lesson Lucy taught Charlie Brown about contracts and notaries! 

Again, I hollered!

that's all...

Working hard...

Conversations with the brother...

Some days

Some days

It is harder than others

to accept the reality

that

This is actually happening.

This is actually real.

And as heartbreaking this is-

the amount of faith I have in your journey you have no idea.

I pray daily and nightly for your recovery.

I pray for the other brothers safety and peace of mind.

I pray for the children in the world and the state of the world.

And I pray for me-

for my sanity.

For a piece of peace.

For comfort.

For reasons why

For the way

I just continue to pray

And believe there is a reason for this.

This trial

This struggle

This outcome

What is the reason- why is this happening ? What more can I do?

Just why

how I spent part of the summer

What I did on [part] of my summer vacation...

What do you do when you live in the greatest city in the world?

Well, how I spent my summer vacation was enjoying New York via a staycation.

New York is the place to be, with the food, culture, sights, and  did I mention food- 

there are numerous opportunities to enjoy the vast offerings of New York, 

and of course the amazing views!

Georgetown cupcakes! yummy and delicious ;)

Hanging at Lincoln Center Jazz listening to live Jazz Music

Views on the Hudson

Freedom Tower

Sunset- God's Beauty

Times Square- a NYC must do!

I love NY