Eye see you

This is me- today October 1, 2020. 

Just trying to live this LIFE thru this quarantine and be cute!

Quarantine Day #78 [COVID_19]

In case you were wondering what is happening in the world... we are still under quarantine especially in NYC where we are hard hit with this virus. Today, the US death toll due to the virus has topped 100,000 - which is a very tragic milestone. It has been 2 months and 17 days of indoors total for me. Not that I haven't been outside at all... but listen...I have been diligently #socialdistancing or #physicaldistancing for the most part. Been working from home every damn day and it is harder than it actually looks. Things that I have found out about myself while home:

• I have not bought another office chair, therefore my ass still hurts in this small assed one (pun intended). 
• I did purchase a new desk and played Bean the builder putting it together over 2 days and many curse words later. I mean the shit is snazzy now, but them 2 days of construction were about to be the downfall of me. Mama I made it! But dammit. 
  
• Because I got a bigger desk, I had to relocate my crafts. Moved everything over to the closet area.

• And because I am a glutton for punishment I then decided to purchase and put together a corner bookshelf. Yeah, I did that to myself, however that was a quick and easy job.

• One would think that without all the outsideness that I would be saving a shit-ton of money. LIES! Apparently, I have a new fascination with Amazon and eveything else that will deliver to my house. Go figure! #1 on my list is jewelry and I have been buying mad bracelets and necklaces in hopes I can be adorned when outside opens up again. 
• Speaking of outside not opening up, my trips this year are all cancelled. Meaning no Bermuda, no Nebraska (conference), no Florida to visit my good sis Sparkles & no Vegas! UGH do you know what a no blue water summer will do to me? I am not interested in finding out. 

I am trying to keep this part of my life together along with all the other things. 

Just keep a sis in your prayers and the world at large. 

that's all...

Quarantine Day #8- COVID_19

March 23rd, 2020
Monday

Major updates:  This world is under the massive throes of COVID_19 which is: 

COVID-19, 'CO' stands for 'corona,' 'VI' for 'virus,' and 'D' for disease. Formerly, this disease was referred to as “2019 novel coronavirus” or “2019-nCoV”. There are many types of human coronaviruses including some that commonly cause mild upper-respiratory tract illnesses. The most common symptoms are fever, cough, shortness of breath, and breathing difficulties. In more severe cases infection can cause pneumonia, severe acute respiratory syndrome, and even death. The period within which the symptoms would appear is 2-14 days.

So basically this has been wrecking havoc on the work from ~December 2019 first recognized in China and fastly infected the world. The US has been taking some precautions all over from grounding flights, mandatory testing of some groups, and closing off borders.

Basically my institution had to react fast from December when we had to move students from our various study away sights to safer locations, but as they moved so did the virus to Italy, Florence, and then came to the mainland US. First known case was Westchester in the Jewish Community on the east coast (it came to Washington State in a Senior home and took a lot of vulnerable folks out). Anywho, when things were looking like there was mandatory social distancing / about to be a quarantine in place and massive disruptions to regular life as one knows it shit started getting real. Like in the really everyone was panic buying toilet paper (like really toilet paper-- one of the symptoms is not excessive shitting but oh well) and then runs on food and all cleaning supplies and purell is hot on the black market.
So being the person I am, considering I get paid monthly, I tend to buy in bulk as needed cause that is how my paycheck allows. So I am swayZ on Toilet Paper!!! Come holla at your girl!
No, in all seriousness, I did have to check the bro as he prepared with 2 hero sandwiches and a soda (like this was some Weekend at Bernies or something!)

ANYWHO, my job allowed us to work from home starting  March 10 I was going in intermittently (as I am not a regular fan of Friday work OR MTA travel). The proverbial shit hit the fan on 3/11 and shut services down including my Game of Life...after NYU edition that I worked so hard on. Like prepared and was going to be a flagship event at my institution.
Like had 150 registered students.
Had a new way of providing information and great prizes.  Had food ordered.
Had 40+ volunteers.
Had good snacks!
Had laminated some posters! Like used a lamination machine and everything.
Eh, I guess will be prepared for next year.
But yeah, as of that 3/11 date, have not been allowed back in the offices. Luckily, I have a work computer that I can remote in from home and our IT people are excellent. So this is the dream, right?

Working from home is my ultimate dream (so to speak). In the sense of being of great use and functional and efficient without getting on the MTA and the NYC elements is #winning.
Yes, there are certain aspects of my day-to-day when educating folkx needs some face-to-face time however, keeping up with the times allowed me to already have video coaching and phone coaching available (again #winning). ALL THIS AND NO BRA= JACKPOT!!!
I mean, that all sounds good, but I do like a structure now and again, I do like some parts of the outside world,  and my bras are cute so I like to wear them too. Working from home is definitely something I can rock with, but there are a few things I have learned about myself:

1. I need a new office chair as the cushion on my ass + the cushion on the seat are in constant battle and my flat ass ain't winning. Plus this office chair is 18 years old and for someone who was not this current wright. 
2. Speaking of weight, I am NOT trying to come out of this quarantine situation ANY pounds heavier (they closed the gyms) so I need to social distance from the fridge and every other quarantine snack that I bought. 
3. My office space (desk) is not as functional as I would like- and truthfully this is why I need a dedicated office to begin with. 
4. The real problems this is showing me is the inequalities of the world are exacerbated with the haves and the have nots and the essential workers (nurses, doctors, cashiers and some folks that don;t even get minimum wage). 
5. The way higher education + lower education is treating teachers and moving to virtual learning/ online learning shows who has viable access to internet, computers, and are competent with this learning style. Never mind the food insecurities and housing securities that are heightened this time.
6. Thinking about the abusers who have more access to their victims as folks are told to shelter in place. 

All of this is a lot. 

And my anxiety is acting up

And my asthma and Allergies (all A things) are making me think "OH God, is this The Rona???" every time I sneeze.

Just a lil update on life over here in the big city.

that's all...

Today

Today
I was getting frustrated about things I kept speaking on and seeking to change and it turns out I have no control over certain parts so I just had to stop giving that narrative power and speak on the other parts of life that bring me joy.
This coupling business is not in my lexicon and acceptance of what it is is becoming key to sanity.
I have been consumed for the better part of 30 years trying to be good enough for someone to love me in the relationship way. It has not happened. It is something that - because of my non couples status - has trivialized any of my other accomplishments and successes.
Thoughts like "if only I had a man to celebrate me getting my masters with'
Or if only I had a man we could vacation in Paris and kiss someone on the pink sand beaches of Bermuda
Or if only I had a man to help me carry these groceries, help me flip this mattress or comfort me in this moment.
There is also the "damn this cookery that I did is banging -if only I had a man/ partner to share this with' and YO walking this street is a bit precarious if only I could call my dude and he can meet me or just be on the phone as I navigate this world"
I pictured me sharing my life and love and trials and triumphs with a handsome loving dude and him sharing his world and all that with me too.
Life and more specifically GOD has other plans.
I know my life ain't over
But again certain things I wanted and thought I would have are out of the picture seriously.
This is a depressing thought.
Things like what?
I'm 43- not had any children. Not have had any acts that would lead to children but that's another conversation
All my peoples around me that are wanting kids have had 1,2,3 of them. I will not get to parent one.
Folks have continued to ask me why don't I adopt or do invitro fertilization and my answer is steady- I have no support to raise a child alone. It does take a village and mine is woefully lacking. It is no shade or disrespect on the people I choose to be in my life- but I can list the parents and the supports they have starting with and including their parents that are still alive.
Again- not my situation.
Just not my life...

Sent from my iPhone

Toni Morrison

Toni Morrison



Sadly we lost an icon of an amazing writer and a Black woman who wrote of the experience of Black people- spoke for Black Woman and just eloquently opened my mind up to the ways I can be allowed to express myself.
The fact that I feel allowed to express myself in the manner I do- sometimes fully, Sometimes not at all, sometimes too much sometimes not enough - the fact I can write all those things is a testimony to her paving the way and being.
I am eternally grateful for all the Black women writers who kicked down doors and showed us the way to go.
Thank you

Friday Feelings

🤖

Friday tends to get a better rap than it deserves.
I mean just because it is at the end of the work week and generally has 2 days of either rest and relaxation or debauchery following (depending on your mood) is probably why.
Truthfully one of them days should be dedicated to the LORD but hey, he knows your heart, no?
Anywho- I enjoy each day individually and as a collective particularly when surrounded by vacation and blue water.
I enjoy any day above ground so there's that.
But today, spoke to brother 1 and he is depressed.
Life is definitely trying him.
I mean life is trying us all- but when mental illness is mixed into the realities of life it is something that can be trying moreso than for regular folks.
He is about to move to a closer place (shelter/ rooming housing assignment) in the Bronx rather than at the bottom of the Jackie Robinson in Brooklyn.
I'm pleased as this will mean he is a bit closer than the long travel and potentially we can visit more.
I don't know what this will do to his stability struggle but there is that.
Small steps towards good news is a thing. So I'm pleased.
He on the other hand is meh.
I mean looking at it from his perspective I am not sure what he is actually looking for but yeah he is not all together excited but not upset.
A muted happiness? That could be a good book title
Anywho
Life is just going along doing its thing.
I'm trying to do my part in the participatory parts of it
We shall see how they all collide.
To be continued...

that's all...

Getting some

Getting some

Thoughts out there in the universe

First of all today is July 13th 2019

Saturday

Not sure that means anything to anybody in this world but that's the current date.

I'm sitting on an airplane headed to Chicago for a quick layover and then flight to Bloomington Indiana. Never been to Chicago or Indiana, so this will get checked off my bucket list for sure.

I am eternally grateful for the flights and the ability to travel for work- headed to a conference on financial wellness. Hopefully I learn new and exciting things that I can implement to my current program. Speaking of the current program

We (NYU Financial Education) are prominently listed at #15 on this list that came out of the top 50 financial literacy programs. Now, #15 may be like eh to some but realistically it is like oh shit for me.

1- I started this program a year ago

2- It is a one woman shop * I do have 2 Graduate interns that are amazing. I had to hire and train them up in financial aid, then get them comfortable with financial literacy terms and processes, and then get them certified as well as train them on how to counsel students, make presentations and put on workshops ALL WHILE MEETING WITH AND COUNSELING STUDENTS MYSELF AND SETTING PILLARS AND PARAMETERS FOR THIS PROGRAM AND CREATING VISION.

3- we serve a vast number of students and alumni and families with excellent service

4- I want to grow this to something even greater

5- I need an assistant

6- I am currently studying for my certification via a nationally recognized organization.

7- partnering with financial aid and other campus partners and growing relationships

So yeah- I am fully embracing this role and making strides. I am feeling damn near fulfilled but also in want of more and it is an interesting place to be. Career wise, I am growing and utilizing my talents.

On the EdD front, I did apply to NYU and was rejected. Definitely an ego blow as I think I am good enough and thought I was doing good enough work to be admitted and make a difference. I have good folks around me telling me and encouraging me to re-apply. To find out specifically why I was not admitted and to not give up. I am thinking on it. Seriously.

On the life, love, living front- relationship is still non existent and it is still something that is utterly frustrating to me. Like WTF man (man being man and also in this case being GOD). Again I ask am I not good enough, not worthy? As the common denominator in this equation it makes me wonder. Like am I truly a zero? Remembering the math skills that I do know, anything multiplied by 0=0. Am I that zero?

Random.

that's all...

Horoscope: Gemini: July 3rd, 2019

You've got extra support if you look for it. 

It's a good time to crank up your creativity 

and give birth to something new and exciting. 

You can do it by yourself, 

but you might find you get further

 if you draw other people into your plans

 and use their willing help

 to propel your propositions forward.

here is to hoping this Mercury in retrograde don't fuck up my shit. 

that's all...

Coffee thoughts

Coffee thoughts

I thought I didn't have anything to say but that's a lie
You see, here we'd are say 2 of July in the year of 2019 and I am like what the perpetual fuck??? Is it so hard to find a decent man out here in these streets? For the life of me and about to be the death of me I am like sir, Sirs- can we talk?
For instance, I have dabbled here and there on this dating app as to put myself out there. As out there as I'm Going to be since I Am Done with the loud young clubs, blind dating, set ups, unrequited loves lost, married men, unsure of their sexual preference boys and the likes of the sort.
The truth is I'm just a simple woman. Who wants love. Period. I'm not asking for anything more than I care to give but then again what am
I willing to give? That's thought for another day
Anywho
I'm on this dating app trying to meet sane men. Apparently, this is the akin to the quest for the lost city of Atlantis or big foot (hey- maybe all the good men are in Atlantis? )
The randomness of the responses to my profile range from you too beautiful to not have a man hidden somewhere (thanks?) to I find you look just like my sister and that turns me on truly (no thank you).
And I am trying to figure out if this is what is left out there in the world.
Are these the 'lines' that are doing it for the ladies out there?
Are these the actual lines and intentions of Men that are attracting the coupling?
Lawd-- if those are the words that are supposed to be doing it [whatever it it] then I am not the one for it.
Keep me out of it
Keep it away from me
Like, No  for real.
Men out here cannot be saying this reckless shit and expecting seriousness of the responses, like really?

I'm at a loss.
And I lost at this Game of Love thing...




Sent from my iPhone

Reflections...

•Long Post•

Hanging out with the family & friends at the beach, enjoying my last day and the everything that is happening around me, loving the sun & saltwater on my skin- just being present. 

I took a walk because I found myself suddenly getting emotional thinking about LIFE...how precious IT is & how easily things can change • I started crying missing my Dad, wishing he could have been around to show me his island home; he could have shown me which rocks he used to climb/ jump off of, could have reminisced about his 9 siblings, Granny, and the days of his youth • I cried missing my Mom, thinking about how she met my father in Bermuda • I cried thinking about the brother • I cried thinking about my cousin who just passed • It was just a lot.
It is a lot.
Maybe I just needed to cry- for all the things that ain’t right right now and I guess for all the things that are. I’m alive right now and it was a different situation just 1 week ago. I know I’m extremely blessed & forever grateful. • I eventually got myself together, prayed, fixed my face and proceeded to continue living this gift of life. And getting in the water. And laughing at things including myself. And enjoying all of IT. .

coffee thought... Gemini horoscope for May 20 2019

You are on the precipice of a new beginning, dear Gemini. Although this implies that you will just jump right in, it does not actually mean that you have to rush. In fact, you don't have to accept the opportunity of a new beginning at all if you don't want to. You can stick with the same old thing, even though you may not be happy with the status quo. It really is your choice, of course. But if you are brave, you can take a leap of faith and find something much better waiting for you.

well, here is to something new..
oh and by the way only 3 days until my birthday!
gasp~ how is a girl gonna celebrate?
strippers? [no, too greasy...]
penis? [here's to hoping...]
a trip? [why not...]

We shall see...

Getting back to me...

Hello. 

How are you doing?

Nice to see you here. 

I hope you stuck around to see how this here life turned out--- cause I did. 

I mean

I am back

(sort of) 

I am coming back slowly to something of myself

Some semblance of... me 

or 

this new me

this new me that carries these scars

this new me that has this hurt

this new me that has this new pain 

this new me that has this new pain and no new ways of dealing. 

So

I am trying to come back to myself 

come back to the things that make me happy

like

blogging

writing about 

life

stuff

love

hope

dreams

accomplishments

family

just back to me

Yeah,

I thank you for sticking around

and being patient

cause 

GOD is not thru with me yet

and I am not thru yet

and 

I 

am 

coming back

that's all...

christmastime

yall know how happy this makes me! 

I love Christmas music 

and 

when this station play it nonstop 

until 12/26 

it makes my heart sing. 

of course, 

I try to sing with it as well, 

but you know

Have a merry merry happy happy 

that's all...