Day 8- 30 for 30 [National Poetry Month]

I want to be human

I want to be human
I want to feel that deep inside
I want to know them thoughts
I need to enjoy this ride

I want to be human
To taste the taste of me
To be your antidote baby
To make a case of me

I want to be human
To explore the reality
Fuck your fantasy bitches
Give me it all phallicly...

I want to be human
In Coltrane's sentimental mood
Igniting passions play purposely
Compromising positions in the nude

I want to be human
To rejoice in your glory
Intimately, sinfully
Our bodies will tell the story

I want to be human
Minds blown as I suck
Arched backs scratched
Pinned down hands when we fuck

I want to be human
To be touched and tasted
Nipples licked to tongue hip tricks
Our time is now - not wasted

I want to be human
Angelic fallen from grace
Devious images conjured between us
You will forever remember my taste

I am human.

challenges...accepted

So
I am sore today from the challenges of yesterday, and that is a very good thing.
Last week, the conversation with Beks went something like this:
B: Let's hang out
Me: Ok what we wanna do?
B: I dunno brunch/ drinks?
Me: Always good, how about a walk?
B: Ohh nice, maybe the park?
Me: Ohhh how about a hike?
B:Sounds good lets check on a nature hike
(Later) how about ziplining?
Me: Uhhh sure.. #yolo + #insurance = why not..wait...what's the weight limit?
(a few hours drive & a safety harness & explanation ropes course)
B: totally didn't read the fine print
Me: and here I was just coming out for the mimosas
...suffice it to say fun times and crazy business!

The thing about this experience is that the challenge to complete it (and what I can stand/ what I wont do/ what I think my limitations are) are always with us. I mean I am not the greatest fan of heights (or really falling from them) and I am not a fan of having to exude super super balance and cognitive thinking skills while defying death.. but i mean it was fun.

Something I remembered from a previous ropes course is that

#1- If I stop shaking (regain my balance) then yes, the apparatus will regain its balance as well

#2- Trust yourself that I. Can. Do. This

#3- It is OK to be scared, just keep going

#4- Remember to breathe.

 

 

feeling like a rock star (haha)

 

Morale of the story:

"Don't limit your challenges..Challenge your limits"

Day 7- 30 for 30 [National Poetry Month]

He said
One day you're going to love me
And you knew
That it was true

He said
One day you're going to believe me
And you knew
That this was true

He said
One day you're going to want me
And you knew
That this was true

He said
One day you're going to miss me
And you now know
This is true



Sent from my iPhone

Horoscope: Gemini: April 7th, 2014

Unless other conditions are prevailing in your life, this should be a happy, relaxed, and successful period -- one in which you should take advantage of all opportunities for social advancements. Do what you can to make yourself available for new contacts that can lead to successful linking of associations.

So this is what my horoscope is telling me on my day off today. Be happy. Be relaxed. Be successful.
These are my plans...let's see how far this takes me.

Day 6- 30 for 30 [National Poetry Month]

You’ve changed
And the feelings that you once had
Are no longer present
Towards me

You’ve changed…

Something about the conversations

We have been having
Leads me to believe

You’ve changed
And
While change isn’t always bad

This. Cant. Be. Good.

You see
I notice the non-questions asked
But always there
To get rid of me
I notice
The impatience of your
Touch
To get rid of me
I notice the rushed tones
In your voice
To get rid of me
I notice the sighs
To get rid of me
I notice the rolled eyes
To get rid of me
When I think
When I speak
When I breathe
When I …
I notice

You’ve changed

And. This. Cant. Be. Good,

For Me

Day 5- 30 for 30 [National Poetry Month]

Saving you
I thought I could save you
That if I believed hard enough and
Prayed even harder
You would be here.
I sometimes thought that you thought I didn't care.
I thought You would survive
Hell, I thought you would even thrive
I guess...that was a thought wasted.

I thought that any treatment that was done
was for the betterment of you
And that given enough time everything would return to normal.
I guess that was another thought wasted... Whatever that is...

I thought that it was unfair all that was asked of me- and why it was not asked of the rest of the three?
I guess that was another thought wasted

I thought that since God felt fit to take my father away,
he would leave me with a mother/ daughter dance.
I thought that if I made more money and could have gotten you to a better place
maybe there could have been another chance

Well
Your saving grace was never me (how foolish to think i could ever be)
And I know God had different plans
After all
She is the wo-man
I know I'm not supposed to be sad
Hey when you get a moment say hello to dad
I'll try to stop beating myself up
Cause I mean really what the fuck?
That thru all the things what I can truly say
Yes, I made it thru another fateful day
But I guess there were some thoughts wasted.

Day 4~ 30 for 30 [National Poetry Month]

What love is...

This I know
because your example
Of love
is severed into my memory
My memory of
who you are being
With me

Trusting that what you gave me would be returned by the universe you completely and utterly entrusted your universe of your love
to me

And while I tried everything in my power to love you
The way I wanted
to love you
i
failed to see
How you needed to be loved
by me.

I would apologize profusely
And try to not be me
In order to have just a piece (peace) more of you
And I would haunt your mind
intrude your thoughts
Just trying to prove
See... I can be loved too
By you...For me

But
Seeing as how i failed to acknowledge
Who I am
(This person who cannot stand to be loved, have love, give love, wants love)
Has learned
That
I can not love you
And be still me.

( Gone )

As I make love to various men
Trying to obtain a semblance of me
Thru sighs and sweaty thighs
I figure,
Hey they love me
just like I love me
Cold
Ruthless
Impersonal
Hurtful
Intimate

And I remember in the throes of night
With random man substituting sincerity

With me
You are being
My memory
Of love
Now...
This is what love is


Sent from my iPhone

Day 3~ 30 for 30 (National Poetry Month)

[standing in the sun while it's dark inside]

I wish you stood in the sun with me

I wish you could hold my hand

I wish you could talk to me in the light

Not just the stolen minutes at night

I wish the truth was real

I wish this rain could heal

I wish you knew how I feel

Not just the lies we tell to just deal

I wish you could acknowledge this

I wish you could feel us

I wish I could feel you

Not just my imagined pieces will do

I wish I could change the start

I wish you didn’t steal away my heart

I wish I didn’t fall apart

Damn, and here I thought I was so smart

 

I wish I was not your secret

I wish I was your visible honor

I wish you choose me

Not just the surreptitious shame we happen to be

Oh

How I just wish you stood in the sun with me

coffee thought...

sigh

something told me

to speak my truth

today

and i did

and with that truth

i think

no-

i know

i may have

opened up

more

than even

i

was ready for.

the funny thing

about

the truth

is that

it is the truth

even if it is not

spoken into

existence

sigh...

 

that's all...

Day 2- 30 for 30 (National Poetry Month)

2:34 am Insomniac moments



Blindly

I listen to the conversations in my head

Loudly they scream

Silently they say

It is all an illusion

A façade of false

A pretense of pretend

A lot like love…

But I know that

Or at least I thought I knew that

Because



Blindly

I listen to the conversations in my head

The louder they scream

The more my conscious hears

This is the truth

Wrapped up in the words

That are the reality

Of this heart...

But I know that

Or at least I thought I knew that

Because



Blindly

I listen to the conversations in my head

That are guiding my heart

Into this dangerous place

That I can’t trust or fathom...

And I can’t concede or believe

Deliberately…

But I know that

Or at least I thought I knew that

Because



Blindly

I listen to the conversations in my head

Battling for control of my mind

Leaving my thoughts tainted

This spirit be damned

My soul shattered

My core corrupted

Peace will never be with me

And I can see that…

Because...

coffee thought...Horoscope: Gemini: April 2nd, 2014

Your health may be like a rollercoaster ride over the next couple of days if you take on too many tasks. Postpone additional projects until you've got existing ones finished.You can reserve alot energy like this.

Apparently, my health is putting me out for the count today (woman issues) and while "I am woman hear me roar" and all that jazz sometimes cramps are just a pain in the uterus and a monthly reminder that I have a womb without use.

Sigh...
that's all...

also ps... i can also reserve alot of energy by no moving from my couch for 4 hour stretches.
check!

30 for 30- National Poetry Month

I
am
not
someone who is strong enough...
I
am
not
someone who is strong enough
to hear
All those things you say
To me
I
am
not
someone who is strong enough
to hear
the things you say
to me
so carelessly
so callously
so untruthfully
I
am
not
Someone who is strong enough
To discern
These lies
From those truths
At times
When it is convenient for you
I
am
not
someone who is strong enough
To discern
Who you are to me
Why do you say this to me
when you want something from me
I
Am
Not
Someone who is strong enough
To hold
my heart
And shield it from
these words
your words
Because I hear you
my heart hears you
I see you
And
I
know
You
Are
Not
Strong enough
To know
What you are doing
to me

coffee thought...Horoscope: Gemini: April 1st, 2014

Sometimes I should really really really read and LISTEN to my horoscope.  Let's take todays' stance:

"Resist the temptation to overdo, physically or emotionally, to the point of diminishing returns. It's easy to trip over too large an ambition, so if you're not realistic early on try and wait to proceed until you've got the time and energy to really follow through with your plans."

Hmmm of course (given the propensity I have for emotionally overdoing it with folks to the point I extend further into my heart than I previously intended to do) and typically I am unsatisfied with the diminished or most times negative returns.  What's a business woman supposed to do? I mean I am aware of the time value of money vs. my hourly worth (in the non-prostitute way) altho some days I feel I would probably get better returns if I sell myself minus my soul to the highest bidder...But still when can a girl get a break?

that's all...