simple prayer

Didn't you know what my love would do?

Out of the shadows and out of the rain.

Out of the sin & shame

It appears that you have never experienced

Anything like this before

My love

True love

So gratifying and freeing

I am your comfort

Your support

I know you had trouble believing.

Have faith

You'll see

Just believe in me

I will protect you from all harm

And carry you when you fall

I will walk with you always

Because I have seen it all

All I ask for in return

Is your faithful love

And you will earn

That chance to dwell in paradise

Now and forever

With free will my will be done.

Amen

things we lost in the fire (part II)

last night another fire happened upon Jackson Ave. this time 2 doors down (Mrs. Braithwaite's house) from Grandma's house. flames and fire shooting out the building and while she was getting out her building some debris was falling and got her on the arm. she is currently in the hospital recovering; hopefully not hurt too bad. this fire was a 3 alarm fire that took over 130 firefighters & took almost 2 hours to put out. the building is completely gutted & the 2 buildings attached were compromised via the roof.
See link: http://abclocal.go.com/wabc/story?section=news/local&id=6628146

we were out there in the cold, my car being blocked by the truck for a bit so we (meaning grandma) could at least sit and be in warmth.
i am fascinated by the where with all & actions of some things:

• i am skeptical about the origins of this fire and our safety.
• this makes me question what are the motives of other folks out there? safety of others?the elderly who all live around there? the kids that go there...
• grandma was out there with her slippers & coat and refusing to take a scarf or a blanket to keep warm (and it was cold)- when she does this and refuses any assistance from me it makes me feel inadequate as a human being & to unable to care for her or whatever for anyone else.
• i got reprimanded for the order of calls made to family. hello i was getting people out, sorry!!!- this also made me feel like hey there cant you do anything right?
• the grab & go case that i have that i didn't even think to grab & go. I just went. no important papers, no nothing other than myself & family. at least mike had the good sense to grab his clean laundry.
  

after an hour outside we got to go back in... back to a smoke smelling filled house to resume our normal lives. is anything every really normal again?

Jackson Pollock Bitches!!

thanks Google!

Everyone yell "Jackson Pollock Bitches"
--thanks Mike!!!

coffee thought...

have you seen furry earlobes? yeah i have and pre-coffee this early in the am is NOT the move.
that's all

coffee thought

in my search for java today i have decided i want to take an African dance class

coffee thought

i have a desk in my kitchen.
with a non working computer on it blocking access to the fridge.
this is my new and improved weight loss method.
that's all...

clean house or not...

so i was cleaning up/ re-arranging/ straightening up/ trying to get stuff out of my abode so i can put up my new cafe table from ikea when i have come to the conclusion that i have too much stuff...aka junk.
i need professional help.

coffee thought...

i have finally almost perfected the good cup of coffee made by moi in me casa... (notice the tri-language use here... snazzy)
that's all...

poem of the day

I am about to embark on my journey
I see a road ahead
Let’s take a walk
A path we may have been down before
a pair of hand me down shoes is all I can afford.
Is this the cost of freedom?
I can’t imagine what I will endure.
I have only heard about history,
Never being able to be a part of the story,
Not sure where I stand
Just an observer to the struggles and
An outsider within our color lines.
Liberty be it civil or not
Does exist
Truth?
But not as I walk along
This same path
Taken many years ago
With these same shoes
Walking over the same sh*t
On a different day
Poverty, suffering, exploitation, degradation, humiliation
The journey begins
I am trying to change directions
To go along a different way
is it my choice
Or my destiny?
My journey on the road ahead
Let it be peaceful
The path of least resistance
The path to a better fortune
The path to a new light
One foot in front of the other
Slowly I begin
Walk with me.

poem of the day

no one to tell about this forbidden love.
no one to know about the feelings i feel
no one to hear the love songs my heart sings
no one to tell the joy your love brings
no one to hear my heart shatter
no one to know it didn't really matter
no one to tell about unrequited love
there is no one

poem of the day

21
This girl child on the #21 bus not more than 10 years old is grown beyond her years…yet still a quiet child remains. At first glance there is nothing really remarkable about her, child that she is. She is seemingly lost and silent—needing to find her voice and express herself…to be heard before that voice gets lost; before she gets lost to this life that we are living. Slowly she takes out her composition book to begin to compose. Here begins the expressions of her world (silently) the words just flow. Some of the grown emotions she does not understand; but she knows.
Like how to say no. (but she doesn’t)
how she does not like that. (And she doesn’t)
Just to stop, (but they never do)
She imagines ‘I am more intelligent than that.’ (But questions really am I?)
That is not my name & no you don’t know me.
Hey, another thought, “I can be more than you ever think of me if only you would think of me.” (Why doesn’t anyone think of me?)
I want to tell her precious we are watching you.

I am praying for you.
I am rooting for you.
I am an example for you.
Though you are not my child I love you.
I want you to succeed in all your aspirations.
I will hold you in the highest regard and I charge you to hold me accountable too.
I wanted to reach out to guide her to show her she is not alone, to share a common song and to lift my voice with her its just
I cannot speak
because I can't find MY voice.
My stop comes and it's time for me to go.
We share a knowing glance.
I say nothing but ‘Pardon me’ as I move to exit the 21.
I walk away hoping to be pardoned.

space

some days it is harder for me to go to sleep at night... which would make that sentence read some nights it is harder to go to sleep than others. i often say the thoughts in my head are competing with my mind and all that activity surely keeps a sista up. i thought consciously i should take up drinking so i can put myself into an alcoholic stupor and get some Zzzz's but then dismissed the idea because i don't want the remote possibility of a hangover the next day. i also think about reading a book (cant find one i like at the moment) or writing in my journal (nah) or typing up parts of the fiction i am working on (seriously someone needs to invest in a voice activated typing machine for me) cause i cant get comfortable enough to write/type.
what i am trying to say is that i am BORED with it all and it all is keeping me up at night!!! i am so pissed at everything and overly emotional at all things too. i need some space from this all to think where i belong in life. do i? i mean what is my next move, hell what am i currently moving? what am i doing?
why why why why why why why why why?
always why never ex. remember that...never an ex is the answer...

i'm sick today

not feeling well at all
there are no coffee thoughts
no thoughts of anything really
other than
cramps
pain
WTF for?

tangent (love)

tangent...

for some reason as Mr. President had his first dance

with Mrs. First Lady

to 'at last' by Etta James sung by beyonce

(initial reservations still withstanding) some thoughts & emotions...

to see this man and wife as

such a powerful couple,

in such a powerful position,

in a such a loving pose,

and expressing such emotions towards eachother

I cried.

I truly got emotional...

it definitely raises

the expectation of support

and black love out there.

changes of the DAY

Something about today got me very emotional and all choked up.

I listened to Mr. President, our president

Mr. Barack H. Obama

take the oath into office from my car.

(it was weird and kind of fitting that i was alone in the car..

most times some important and pivital moments come in my car...

more on that later).

It was also kind of crazy as I has a dentist appointment

basically drove upstate to Rockland County, got teeth filled & did a lil shopping.

I couldn’t make it to a place with a TV but while listening to AM radio

I heard IT.

I heard the shift from

'yes we can'

to

now we have to.

There has never been any excuse not to

but in case you were wondering

guess what

there is again

no excuse

not to

BE

the best version of yourself

representing all our people.

We are the US of A,

act like you know.

coffee thought...

(will get back to you after i see the bottom)

i think it is a sign

that SOMEONE has a sense of humor & chooses to reveal it via my ipod.
is it me or does your ipod send you cute meaningful messages too??
as i try not to think of love and all its non-glory (over here...maybe out there love is working for you) my ipod decides to send me:

emotional- carl thomas

the sweetest love- robin thicke

share my world- rihanna

i care for you- aaliyah

like a lover- will downing

i want you- floetry

tell me something good- chaka

loving arms- etta james

you think there is a message??

23 years and counting...

My father...
there is a certain relationship that little girls develop with their 'Daddy'...
honestly truth be told it is the first true love of a man in their life; and the kindness and unconditional love and unbiased support from this man truly can shape/ have influence on what type of woman you turn out to be (NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY TO IGNORE IT) *sidebar we are talking about the fathers that DO for their daughters, that parent and care and shield and protect*
so no matter how hard you try to ignore it; to ignore them and to be like 'i don't care, i don't have to listen to him, or he just doesn't understand me or he is just an asshole' in any of the interactions you have with your father... funny enough it was those interactions that may have helped you, molded you and made you the brilliant woman you are today... (everyone take a great laugh!)

NOW how am I going to spin that for a woman who lived 2/3 of her life up until now with out that love of a father?

there is nothing to spin there...
most of the times i feel as if i am 'lacking' in some aspect...
as in... i constantly feel that i do not know how to properly deal with a man because i was never taught how... that is not to say i will accept any ole' shit out there because i do remember... I DO REMEMBER
and i so much am trying to hold on to the memories of my young girls heart...
memories of being daddy's little girl

a friend asked me today how do i feel... like am i sad or such?
honestly... i feel like it is a fact (how does one feel about facts these days?) like the sky is blue. the grass is sometimes green. we are in a recession. there is no arguing a fact no matter how i feel. it just is. that is how i feel today (just is...)
i do miss him.
wonder what type of woman i would be today if he were presently present in my life?? scary...
(i do understand those that love us never leave us and are always in our heart)
but i wonder...

to my father:
Melvin Sinclair Bean, Sr.
April 8, 1945--January 13, 1986
gone but never truly gone
i love you

coffee thought...

from the top of the cup to the bottom...
just get me to the bottom so I can be human...
java is the key of life!

that's all...

coffee thought...

the howling train conductor...

someone who is either happy @ their job or

should not be allowed to operate heavy machineary

as this morning's dude literally howled after he closed the door

at every stop.

definitely not a person to have to contend with pre coffee.

thats all

It's a New Year

Apparently 2009 is upon us and this year is significant to the theme of change, not only for the fact that we have a new president who is African-American which means the First family is reflective of a married African American man, woman and 2 sassy daughters, but there is change on the many levels of this world.

the US is in a recession... everything is more expensive. unemployment is high and people are loosing there jobs + homes at more than an alarming rate. I am thankful to be employed and slightly still ok with my job...currently dont own a home and hope to afford one some day...but it is sad for the folks who are loosing their dream now... i remember when mom lost our home to forclosure...

i mean this year of 2009 started differently...mommy was not here to toast with us and bring a smile to our faces. Why i am struggling with coping and grieving is no mystery to me, catholic guilt is a dominant theme in my life.

i actually made NO resolutions..save for the one of me 'being better' in all that i strive to do... which can run the gamet from health to men/ relationships/ work etc...

i plan to write more when i have more fascinating facets of life to cover...right now i am dull

BUT google has not let me down with another smashing pic on their page...

so with that... happy new year!