when i dream

When I dream I dream in color..
I want a love, not just a lover…
For some reason this song is in my head at this particular moment in time (sung by Regina Belle) and I feel it.

(here are the lyrics to the song in case you haven't heard it)
Tired of living life in black and white
There’s so much in between
Like a rainbow in the sky
Crying to be seen
When I open my eyes to find inspiration
I search for the best I can see
If I settle for less
I won’t be the best I can be
When I dream, I dream in color
I want a love, not just a lover
I’ll give you so many good reasons
To capture a dream…
Life is short, and can’t be bought,
Time is a very precious thing
I want to go to where I’ve never been
See what’s never been seen
In the midst of the morning
I won’t take for granted
There’ll always be another new day
Got to live for each moment
Never let time slip away
When I dream, I dream in color
I want a love, not just a lover
I’ll give you so many good reasons
To capture a dream…
If I was unaware, if I didn’t care
About people and places and things
How could I live a life full and satisfied
Not knowing how to dream
When I dream,I dream in color
I want a love, not just a lover
Show me a child who never has seen
A vision that shows what his life really means
I’ll give you so many good reasons
To capture a dream
A dream

O, I am feeling the fact that I sure am tired of living life in black and white.
I am tired of the shades of grey that I see daily and tread thru and still call it living.

I feel like I am crying to be seen…

I am tired of just existing and not feeling like I am living, where I can look back on my life and say, “see there, you did it <--whatever IT is. You did SOMETHING that made a difference that counts, that…”

Yeah I am tired of just being..

I don’t know, maybe it is just that time of the time of the month where I doubt, wonder and worry about every choice I have ever made and decide whether it was all even worth it.
Maybe because this past Friday I interviewed for this manager’s position here at my current place of employment and I wonder if I am good enough.
Now, if I wonder if I am good enough, how am I convincing someone that I am capable and qualified for the job and to hire me?
Am I am fulfilling my own self fulfilling prophecy- that I am not good enough so I am afraid to try because I think people can sense me not feeling good enough and then beating myself up for something I am doing to myself and the vicious cycle then repeats itself?
Am I that person?
Most days I am not, or I would like to think I am not.
Most days I am that person who rationalizes everything and still makes it work within the everyday living, and still manages to have fun doing all of it.
Most days I enjoy.
I used to enjoy.

I‘ll give you so many good reasons to capture a dream

I have so many dreams
I have so many dreams
I have so many dreams in so many colors…
I have so many dreams in so many colors that my brain is overflowing with thoughts

thoughts on how to make my dreams come true.

Presidential address on the state of the Economy...

I don’t take kindly to threats

And the president starts his spiel:

“If we don’t do this (Economic rescue package)” and use SO much of the taxpayers $$ for this economy we could end up in a long and painful recession.
The president went on to say "Not passing a bill now would cost these Americans much more later & there would be a long and painful recession"(as if we are not CURRENTLY in a recession) & once Congress passes this bill that would use $700 BILLION of the taxpayers dollars this would "Remove risk on troubled assets" (like the mortgage crisis & banks issuing credit to folks whom credit score would not equal a perfect bowling score) & this would allow the banks to "Resume the flow of credit" <--newsflash this is partially what GOT them into trouble Oh, he now said this plan would “Protect taxpayers” and & "to try not give Failed execs a windfall…”
Hmmm, "700 billon taxpayers’ dollars would help our economy grow”

How?

The government can buy these assets & "hold them"(calling the failed mortgages & botched lending practices an asset is like putting lipstick on a pig) because our government has the foresight and patience to wait it out. <-IT being this correction in the US market. Figuring most Americans want to pay their debt & once it is paid off funds will be funneled back to the treasury and this would “Safeguard the financial security”

Hmmm…

The FDIC has been in existence for 75 yrs (according to the Prez) and our banking institutions are stable...meanwhile the great Lehman Brothers one of the largetst financial services investment bank crashed after 100 + yrs (158 to be exact) due to all of this mishandlings of $$...Following the downfall of bear sterns and government bailout of AIG I cant take it...

Yeah, I can see where this is going, as if my job being in service to others while paying off $700 a month student loan debt that paid for undergraduate & graduate degrees while living in one of the most expensive cities in the world while not living a lavish lifestyle (but not living like a pauper cause quite frankly I am not sure how a pauper lives) while paying my taxes on April 15 of each entire year & gas prices up the whoha AND you want to tax me more to bail out the multimillion dollar wall street industry that still holds a glass ceiling and foot over women and African American women in this society??? RIGHT
Yeah, I am not buying into it, and am thinking about which country I am going to defect to.
Counting the days till November 4…

Must Take Another route

So as i sit on the #6 train going uptown to the BX it is at this time that my evening commute is not so politely interrupted...

and it is precisely at this time it is decided that I should not ride the subway ever again.

WHY you ask?

Oh you are dying to know...

well, always in NYC you will find various forms of entertainment wherever you go even if you are not looking but on this particular train on this particular night

there is a midget or short person or vertically challenged person shucking and jiving for the allmighty dolla.

he is about knee high to a grasshopper and rolling on the NASTY subway floor

(to his credit he does not have far to go)

while is partner hold his hoodie and sewaty Yankee hat.

i sooo need to find another route home...

karma will get you back

or does karma have your back?
that thought i am mulling over in my head currently as i sit in front of Tavern on the Green.
yeah i am sitting in front of totg waiting for my good friend michelle as we are about to head into some food thingy...anywho today i am a bit confused (who isn't??)
but I am confused about choices in life and specifically if these choices are helping or hindering the progress of the person at hand.
case in point as i sit here this well to do lady is waiting for the M10 bus. she is well to do cause of her big orange marc jacobs bag, blatant jewelery and overall air of entitlement as she sits on a freakin park bench.
she is late for whatever and this bus is late too.
a woman in wheelchair come up to board the bus.
Two men are standing here, late as well (according to their convo) but are patiently waiting for mass transit.
well bus comes up and instead of letting said wheelchair lady on the trio hops on the bus (woman stopping to give bus driver piece of her well to do mind)
Now i blame this partially on the bus driver as he should have said something or motioned to the other passengers to hold up wait a minute
well the ramp comes down, wheels tries to go on up & gets stuck. yes progress is stopped on central park ave.
she is trying to backup get off, agitation ensues.
NO ONE TRIES TO HELP HER not the driver, not the folks that jumped on clearly in a hurry no one. 7 whole minutes pass. Another bus comes. people who refuse to give up their seat to get on a slightly more crowded MOVING bus still sit and watch wheels try to back up & get back on the bus (problem is electronic wheelchair base is wider than the ramp making the wheels skid over the outer edges and her get stuck, then have to try to power the wheelchair using back wheels only back off the ramp to try it again)
this dad and kid got off the bus, kid about 10.
dad asks woman does she need help- rather than assume she is less than handicapable,
wheels replies yes and dude and kid assist with the wheelchair.
kid asks dad "why doesn't no one else help?" dad says "i don't know...but don't ever wait for someone else to help if you can".
overall i interpreted that as take the lead, be the role model; don't wait for permission to BE
kid replies,"wow OK, but think about all them peoples karma and how fucked up they are."
dad doesn't blink at the kids usage of the work fuck.
i bust out laughing.
Karma is a bitch..
oh here is a pic from the night...

coffee thought...

I am sitting here drinking my average cup of joe from the campus thievery next door hoping and wishing for more than this average cup of joe when

"AHHHHH"<--- that is the sound of happiness...

co-worker comes in to say they are opening up a DunkinDonuts literally 2 blocks away!! 2 blocks?? normally, i try to avoid excess walking as not to ruin the perfect shape of round i got going on (ok, ok, i do walk ALOT but not for excercise reasons--a sista gots to go where i go..) but walking these pitiful 2 blocks for the ooh-sooo-coffee goodness would totally make it worthwhile. YAY coffee... now i have to get my funds in order to make it work!

that's all...

Escape

I think i am trying my hardest to stay present and not escape from the random thoughts in my head that occur on a daily basis. I mean i get distracted easily, my house is a mess (but that isn't anything new) and my finances, well i have worked damned hard to get them in order just to be scraping by at this moment. and what do i want to do?

Escape.

Preferably on some island with a nice beach. Is it natural to want to run away from reality all the time?

I don't know..

coffee thought...

that's all...

9/11

I am watching and I remember
I remember the pain
The planes
The smoke
The fear
The uncertainty
The flames

I remember the sounds
The sirens
The struggle to make it out
The prejudice
The people
The people

Running
The towers falling
Scattered lives
One by one
People jumping
The ashes

I remember the feelings of how
Why
Who?
Who could do this to us?
To US
USA

The heroism
The fight
The bravery
The tears
The remembrances
The prayers
The hope for us all
For US All

Now
America
Changes…

things we lost in the fire...

Last night as I was on the train reading this book motherless daughters by Hope Edelman and feeling all sorts of ways continually going thru this grieving process, in the midst of trying to figure out what to have for dinner and hoping that my car is on the right side of the street for NY alternate side parking rules, I get this phone call as I get out the subway station:

“Tash, there is a fire at the neighbors house, it is everywhere!!!
The neighbor’s house is completely gone!!!
They have evacuated the buildings grandma is outside here, everyone is outside, and no one is allowed back inside.
They have 3 trucks battling the blaze so I just wanted to let you know”

Yes this is the message I get from the brother as I get off the train already an emotional wreck (in his defense I am sure he didn’t know I was an emotional wreck already)

As my heart is racing and my eyesight is blurry and my hands are shaking and various crazy thoughts are racing thru my head (see: panic attacks) and I just had to pray.
As I got on the MTA (that is never going my way) it seemed as everything was moving in extra slow motion.
Like I know it typically takes 20 minutes to get home from train to door- but it seemed like an eternity and we appeared to catch every red light.
The bus was unusually cold, but I felt nothing (I know it was cold due to the complaints of the passengers on the bus).
Got off the bus to the throngs of people, mass of fire trucks (at least 12) and just the craziness of seeing it all were truly frightening.

Just thinking about the possibility of being without a place to live…

Everyone in that building is OK. Very distraught about the loss of everything, but thankfully their lives were ok.

I watched the end result of this:

• The news camera trying to get a glimpse of the persons who were clearly upset about their homes, possessions, safety and security all gone. The foolish kids being kids trying to get on camera, jumping around and thinking it is cool.
• My grandmother, who was born in Chicago, has this great fear/respect for fire sneaking back into the house, her comfort zone.
• People who lived on this block for 2 or more years finally being neighborly with each other.
• A few firefighters injured due to the breaking out of windows and smoke inhalation, but thankfully they will be ok.
• Weary firefighters doing a job they love to benefit and save others, I thanked them in person while I could think about it.

and thru all this

I thank God.

coffee thought...

Given enough coffee, I could rule the world. ~Author Unknown

innovative...?

so as part of my job, i assist students in their pursuit of Higher Education, which is a very interesting form of employment in itself.. but what is innovative about today is there is an article in the NY Times about this student and his need for $$ to go to school. Yes, it is an actual solicitation for $$ for school, while innovative and bears in mind the ask and you shall receive mantra..
ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
This is almost right up there with the all too familiar "you need to help me since i am an African prince and need you to hold $20 million dollars. just send me your bank account info, etc etc..."
i am not to sure how to feel about this.
On the one hand, University is expensive. Plain and simple, it costs alot of money to attend a great institution of Higher Education. I truly believe in the value of a great education, and that cannot be replaced by anything.
On the other hand, cost of education and affordability is a reality. This is something that is not hidden during the application process at all. I mean one truly knows on the outset (when purchasing a car) that it costs upwards of $50,000 for a Lexus and deciding to get into one is YOUR CHOICE... Just like there are other schools/vehicles that will get you to your destination in life, there are other ways of making it work.
I also believe that while you get what you pay for, the cost doesn't make it everything. Just cause you pay $50 for a piece of chocolate, does not make it any better than a Hershey's Kiss.
I dunno, maybe I am biased because I worked DAMNED hard for my education and am STILL paying for it while i am in service to others...
Something has got to give...

coffee thought...

no coffee today.

you can imagine the reactions of the persons around me...

that's all...

& the winner is...

5 months to the day of Mom's passing...

I went with the Lotus flower cause it seems fitting.

possible tattoos...

yeah i have 4 main pics i am working with

<-- Lotus flower

Indian lotus flowerAccording to the Indian culture the lotus flower denotes prosperity knowledge and learning, fruitfulness and illumination. According to the Hindu mythology, the lotus flower is associated with Goddess Lakshmi, the goddess of wisdom and generosity. She is often portrayed as sitting on a completely blossomed lotus that gives a sense of purity to her form.

Eastern lotus flowerThe Lotus flower is viewed as a representation of spirituality according to the eastern culture. The lotus flower is often viewed as a symbol of aspirations to rise towards the light as the roots of the lotus flower has its roots in the mud but it grows in the upward direction.

Egyptian lotus flowerAccording to the Egyptian culture the lotus flower symbol was known by the name of 'Sesan'. As per the mythology of Egypt the lotus flower symbolized the sun as well as formation and revival.

Christian lotus flowerThe lotus flower is a representation of piousness and fertility. The lily flower in the Christian culture basically replaces the lotus flower. The lily flower according to the Christian culture is associated with Mary who is known as the queen of heaven. The lotus flower basically represents holiness, good wishes, purity and positive energy.

The Lotus flower basically symbolizes the clarity of heart as well as the mind. In other words the Lotus flower represents strength, good luck, long life as well as honor and respect. Some scholars have even talked of the lotus flower being a universal representation of the spiritual presence in human lives.

As the lotus flower grows up from the mud into a object of great beauty people also grow and change into something more beautiful (hopefully!). So the symbol represent the struggle of life at its most basic form.

<--Ohm

The three "mantras" of A, U, M (pronounced Ohm)also represent the outer, the inner and the superconscient states of consciousness and the waking, dream and deep sleep states respectively. And beyond these is the modeless fourth state (a-matra), which is the Self, according to Advaiata. Another way of saying this is that Om is immortal and inexhaustible. It is the symbolic expression of the creative spirit, the Word (with reference to the three component sounds), the three human conditions (waking, dreaming, and deep sleep), the three times of day (morning, midday, evening), and the three faculties (action, cognition, volition

<---Gerber Daisy

The meanings of gerbera daisies stem from those attributed to the general daisy family. These meanings include innocence and purity, and daisies are also a classic symbol of beauty. However, the gerbera variety holds an added meaning of cheerfulness

what do you think???

poem of the day...

HAPLOLOGY

Us
Through it all
I listened when you called
And once in a while
I made you smile
I probably even made you cry
By telling you them little white lies
But hey, that's what made my days worthwhile
And
I probably would not be saying this
Had it not been true
But you'll probably call her baby
Once we are done and through…

coffee thought...

America... listen up.

Do something about it.

It is time for CHANGE.

W cannot wait...

that's all...

sometimes it isn't enough

sometimes it isn't enough to want to do something bad enough, and crave that something bad enough, and think about it, and try for it, and just...
sometimes even though i am willingly willing to just let this world, this being, this whatever take on this natural undefined indefined course i just...
sometimes it is just not enough
i am just not enough

Labor Day 2008

HEYYYY!!!

today we celebrated Labor Day 2008- a day off (according to Wiki) for working class citizens....

well in addittion to that, today is the Labor Day West Indian Parade in Brooklyn NY, one of the largest most colorful and amazing parades to witness. Trust me, this rivals any other NYC parade or carinival in the caribbean.

Here are some pics for your viewing pleasure...