coffee thought...

Monday 8:12 am journey on the way to work
We (NYC) are in preparation for this big blizzard snowstorm thing that is approaching. Everyone obviously did a run on groceries. Not I. I mean I have canned goods and veggies and a few hot dogs that should suffice. I have water and juice and the essentials of them all- coffee and liquor (not that I will mixing them but hey you never know).
My mind these past few days has been healing along with my body and soul because of the things I have been thru. Starting with last weeks episode of muscle spasms that landed me in the emergency room to the jury duty I am currently serving (civic duty never ceases) as well the talks and truths(?) I have been spilling. I am just so very tired and drained.
I desperately need to be felt.
To be held.
To honestly be loved.
My soul needs that... That which I cannot describe except as simple as my soul needs a place where she is able to freely be uninhabited and definitely supported and nourished and loved.
I haven't had that type of freedom- I have not actually experienced that romantic love to unearth my fears and shake them out the crevices of my soul. I just know that carrying all of this is heavy--- desperately and despairingly heavy. Searching for that safe haven is exhausting.
But- as I move on in this being- my existence I just keep swimming/ keep moving / keep striving because if I stop- if I stop loving, caring, supporting others then where or who would I be? And I know I need that love care respect myself but it seems no one speaks my language.
Like I am speaking English in a deafening silence.
Eh
I need coffee.
that's all...