November 2 8:34 am

The thing about your past is that is has passed. Some things have passed for a reason- others have passed because it was just their time. The past is the past so either we learn from it or we are destined to wallow in it or perpetually repeat it. Some things in our past we want again (or more specifically we want to do again) I mean this is why we have a favorite movie (to experience again) or a favorite food (cause we want to chow down on that again and again and again). This is why we have favorite people, places and things- we are trying to re-experience or re-create or reinvent the prior times we had (with a meal, with a man etc) sometimes we are smart enough to know when to leave the past in the past (sometimes) and other times we do not learn . Or rather we want to learn the hard way. It is amazing that thru all my past experiences it makes me. ME. and some of them I would not want to trade in the world whereas others I can surely do without.

This brings me to my statement
Why is the past so intriguing?

I mean we have a world of folks just digging up dead folks (in Egypt & hell other places to boot) to figure out how they lived, how they died and the impact that was had. We take history and social studies in school to kinda have a frame of reference for our current states and then hopefully we use/ learn not to repeat the mistakes and do better.
Funny that is always one of my prayers to the Lord it is for me to just be better/ do better than before and make a difference<--I digress.

Anyway my past is creeping up in my mind these days more often than not and I am thinking of the things i did in the past (not necessarily sins of the past but definitely misgivings in some cases/ transgressions in others).

I am trying to see where I should have turned left instead of being right.

I am trying to understand why I over-stood my stance and my position.

I am wondering if my dreams are crazy which is why they are dreams.

I am wondering if I am confusing my goals with dreams or vice versa?

I am trying to figure out if I will ever have love.

I am wondering if I ever knew love or did I mistake infatuation and intrigue for some kind of crazy love?

I am hoping I am deserved of love (I believe I am) but yet that eludes me and so it becomes one of the things that I think I am crazy for wanting... (lovely huh?)

At any rate these thought keep me moving towards my goals/ dreams as absurd as they may be and as unrealistic as I make them so that I can feel I have accomplished something in my life/anything.

I need tangible results- like a reason why I am this way.

can I blame it on my past? or on my family? or on my ancestors? or my genetic predisposition to being the person I am (weight/ height/ color/ hair/ brain functions/ emotional instability etc etc you get the pic?)

eh, more to follow soon...but this too shall pass