Father's Day

this day has mixed emotions for me, every year it does (as does this google image)
First, in case you wanted to know of didn't know or never knew I was a daddy's girl- the only daughter born to my parents & the middle child. I definitely think I required extra attention or at least by my actions as a kid I merited it (good actions, nothing too crazy) SO it is safe to say that since the death of my dad (Jan 13, 1986) things in my life are extremely different. Not that I know or knew what my life would have been like with him alive but I have a few thoughts...

1. I don't think my mother would have worked herself to death. I mean becoming a single parent of 3 kids at 36 is not something someone willingly signs up for. I think if he was here (then during that time) she may have not had to work 24/7.
2. I think my brothers would be different people. I don't know if that is a good or bad thing, but I can truly tell you the influence of a male role model is definitely necessary for little boys and little girls. which brings me to..
3. I think I would have had a different view of men. I mean I am sure that my relationship with men would have been different. I am sure of that...
4. I don't know if I mentioned it but Daddy hails from the island of Bermuda and that is still where my Granny lives with some Aunts & plenty cousins. I feel if he was still alive I would have a closer connection to that place and not feel like an outsider looking in...

which is why this image kinda gets me (kid with dad on the sand together). I am remembering the time daddy & mommy took us to Jones beach up here in L.I. He held me and swam way out in the water. Then he put me ashore and continued to swim way way out there, like was a tiny speck in the ocean. He would never swim anywhere else but the true ocean (like if we ventured to Orchard Beach in the Bronx or Rye Playland or Coney Island he would not set foot in that sloppy mess and who would blame him...have you seen the turquoise waters of the island compared to the water up here???)

I imagine that image above could be us, on the sands of Bermuda or somewhere playing, building and creating a masterpiece of sand and then just laughing. I imagine I would be a better swimmer (since I can swim mostly to keep myself from drowning but would not be able to rescue someone).
Yeah I have all these grand ideas of how life would have been or could have been had he not been taken way back when. Who knows what the future would have held. Eh who knows...

Fast forward all them years since his passing and trust me my mother did her absolute best to compensate for the non father influence in our lives (her having lost her dad when she was a little girl too) she knew what it would be like, or what it could be like and did the best she could.
So on this Father's day, I thank always both my mom & dad for everything they did to make me me!

Happy Father's Day!