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July 24, 2006 - Monday tears+ fears - love= reality
Current mood: crushed
Category: Romance and Relationships
i just watched the end of an episode of "sex in the city". Charlotte is getting married to the impotent dude. Carrie voiced over something about "she is a 34 yr old single woman determined to get married, nothing was going to stop her" & "we are all just looking for love" something along them lines & something about that struck me.
is that the theme for the evening?
the neverending quest for love?
i feel like crying...
i don’t know why. could it be that time of the month...
who the hell knows, i have never been good at tracking/ predicting/keeping up with my moods...i just know that crying seems like something that i should do right about now.
what now? why come?
life...just plain simple life...i am tired of it all.
i know something is missing (lots of things are missing, truthfully) but first and foremost in my mind what i am missing is just plain love.
feeling loved, being loved, having love, just simple love.
i feel incomplete, less of a person,
even less of a woman (which is another topic all together) but just less than equal.
--->[now let me put this in perspective, i know i am blessed to be living, walking upright, relatively good health, stuff like that. i am thankful. ALWAYS.]
BUT even with all that, i am terribly saddened by life,
(correction my life),
saddened by love
(or my lifes' lack thereof)
and yeah, i am just altogether sad.
which is why i think i should cry. But i cant. i am really just rambling now because i cant sleep,
and i don’t have any more tears left to cry, which is not good.
reminds me of that Cosby episode where they say Claire's (Mrs. huxtable's) tear ducts will dry up because she is going thru "the change".
great, not only do i feel crappy, but then i have no more tears to cry (not like i cry often at all) but this one time i could use a good cry, i cant & not like i am going thru that change, but a change nonetheless..
my reality: 30 yr old single black woman (black in terms of island flavor, not black in that if reparations were to happen, i would get my 40 acres and a mule) lacking love.
NOT a pretty picture... it gets better.
terribly stressed about family, friends, love, job, money, school, education, the world, war, peace et. al....then we add love of job (or not on some days), friends loves (and friends losses, marriages and divorces), families loves/hates, etc, and that is a lot going on... and you know what..
That is my fear.
I fear that this is it for me...THIS...IT....yeah scary...imagine being in it....
i came to the realization this evening on the train that wow, i am alive, but am i living?
*not in the living la vida loca life or the bling bling lifestyle, just plain living????*
i don’t know. what i do know is this, i am surviving.
unadorned surviving
...plain and simple. not terribly happy, not necessarily too unhappy, some days better than others, others worse than some before. today is one of them worse days.
Possibly worser than worse (that is not English, forgive me) i went for a drive when i got home from work. i tend to drive to run away, tried to clear my mind, clear my thoughts, tried to be open and receptive to the messages left by life and this day. Anything. I tried to feel something, because i feel i am missing something entirely, and possibly by being aware of something, i can find what is missing... it didn’t come. nothing happened. just wasted some gas in my car. that’s it!!! now i really feel like crying over gas prices.
i'll reserve that cry for another day.
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is that the theme for the evening?
the neverending quest for love?
i feel like crying...
i don’t know why. could it be that time of the month...
who the hell knows, i have never been good at tracking/ predicting/keeping up with my moods...i just know that crying seems like something that i should do right about now.
what now? why come?
life...just plain simple life...i am tired of it all.
i know something is missing (lots of things are missing, truthfully) but first and foremost in my mind what i am missing is just plain love.
feeling loved, being loved, having love, just simple love.
i feel incomplete, less of a person,
even less of a woman (which is another topic all together) but just less than equal.
--->[now let me put this in perspective, i know i am blessed to be living, walking upright, relatively good health, stuff like that. i am thankful. ALWAYS.]
BUT even with all that, i am terribly saddened by life,
(correction my life),
saddened by love
(or my lifes' lack thereof)
and yeah, i am just altogether sad.
which is why i think i should cry. But i cant. i am really just rambling now because i cant sleep,
and i don’t have any more tears left to cry, which is not good.
reminds me of that Cosby episode where they say Claire's (Mrs. huxtable's) tear ducts will dry up because she is going thru "the change".
great, not only do i feel crappy, but then i have no more tears to cry (not like i cry often at all) but this one time i could use a good cry, i cant & not like i am going thru that change, but a change nonetheless..
my reality: 30 yr old single black woman (black in terms of island flavor, not black in that if reparations were to happen, i would get my 40 acres and a mule) lacking love.
NOT a pretty picture... it gets better.
terribly stressed about family, friends, love, job, money, school, education, the world, war, peace et. al....then we add love of job (or not on some days), friends loves (and friends losses, marriages and divorces), families loves/hates, etc, and that is a lot going on... and you know what..
That is my fear.
I fear that this is it for me...THIS...IT....yeah scary...imagine being in it....
i came to the realization this evening on the train that wow, i am alive, but am i living?
*not in the living la vida loca life or the bling bling lifestyle, just plain living????*
i don’t know. what i do know is this, i am surviving.
unadorned surviving
...plain and simple. not terribly happy, not necessarily too unhappy, some days better than others, others worse than some before. today is one of them worse days.
Possibly worser than worse (that is not English, forgive me) i went for a drive when i got home from work. i tend to drive to run away, tried to clear my mind, clear my thoughts, tried to be open and receptive to the messages left by life and this day. Anything. I tried to feel something, because i feel i am missing something entirely, and possibly by being aware of something, i can find what is missing... it didn’t come. nothing happened. just wasted some gas in my car. that’s it!!! now i really feel like crying over gas prices.
i'll reserve that cry for another day.
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just FYI-
i am good! it is just a note on how I was feeling at the time and how much i think i put pressure on myself for why i don't know!
i am good! it is just a note on how I was feeling at the time and how much i think i put pressure on myself for why i don't know!
2 comments:
:(
awww, but i am good- it was just a note on how I felt then & some days how I feel now(specifically a few days ago) :)
:):):):):):):):)):):):):):):):)
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